Baseball

“I wrote 63 songs this year. They’re all about Jeter.” Just kidding. The game we love, the players we hate, and more.

Culture and Criticism

From Norman Mailer to Wendy Pepper — everything on film, TV, books, music, and snacks (shut up, raisins), plus the Girls’ Bike Club.

Donors Choose and Contests

Helping public schools, winning prizes, sending a crazy lady in a tomato costume out in public.

Stories, True and Otherwise

Monologues, travelogues, fiction, and fart humor. And hens. Don’t forget the hens.

The Vine

The Tomato Nation advice column addresses your questions on etiquette, grammar, romance, and pet misbehavior. Ask The Readers about books or fashion today!

Legalize It
October 16, 1998 · One Comment

The United States government needs to legalize marijuana for recreational use, and they need to do so as soon as possible. For those of you who might have trouble reconciling this statement with my snippy …

Todd Solondz Scares Me
October 16, 1998 · No Comment

Last night, I went to see Todd Solondz’s new film Happiness. When it ended, I strode purposefully out of the theater and down the stairs to the ladies’ room, locked myself into a stall, and …

Brady: The Lost World
October 11, 1998 · No Comment

EPISODE 3b: FLUFFY’S FAREWELL
Audiences learn what really happened to the Brady girls’ marmalade cat when a Buick Skylark flattens the hapless feline during the Bradys’ honeymoon. Everyone learns a valuable lesson about not getting too …

Trick Or Treat
October 11, 1998 · No Comment

Every morning since October began, I have gotten to work and braced myself before opening the door to my department, not because I hate my job or anything, but because everyone in the office has …

In Defense Of Bill
September 16, 1998 · No Comment

I voted for Bill Clinton twice. Well, actually, I voted against his opponents. George Bush seemed like a nice enough guy, but he used to run the CIA, and also he lied about the whole …

Behind The Scenes
September 16, 1998 · No Comment

Okay, people, can we get started? Okay. I hope someone remembered to get me some cigarettes – okay, thank god. Pass that ashtray down here and let’s get this over with.
The first order of business …

The “Great” Outdoors
August 16, 1998 · No Comment

In my youth – before I discovered challenging intellectual pursuits like General Hospital and lying on my back with my feet up on the wall talking on the telephone until I lost circulation in my …

Parental Supervision
August 16, 1998 · No Comment

I don’t like kids. I have never liked kids. Even as a kid, I didn’t like kids. Okay, certain children can give my heartstrings a tug sometimes. One time I went browsing in a home …

Stop The Killing
August 16, 1998 · No Comment

It probably hasn’t escaped the notice of even the most casual Tomato Nation reader that I have a lot of hostility. I get annoyed easily; in fact, I get really annoyed really easily. But when …

Keeping It Clean
July 16, 1998 · 3 Comments

This morning, as I stood in front of my closet and pondered what to wear, I felt something fuzzy brush against my legs. Assuming that the cat had wandered over to help me select an …