On my block, there is a deli.It is not a good deli; the coffee is awful, the ice-cream “selection” is buried in a grimy chunk of Hoth, and between the lottery people, the OCD bacon-sandwich people, and the people who think that paying twenty-five cents for a tabloid newspaper is akin to paying rent, it’s not ideal.But it’s right downstairs, and if you run out of coffee and don’t feel like changing out of your pajamas to go get more, you don’t stand on principle.

Unless, of course, you find yourself with a front-row seat to…Deli Face-Off.

See, in addition to the deli right downstairs, I could also go to the deli on the corner — a superior outfit in every way, with better coffee, fancier chips, and a less irritating clientele overall — but to go to the corner, I have to put on shoes.

Not anymore.The corner deli is still there, but the guy who owns the corner deli also now owns the space that used to house the spoken-word place, and instead of keeping it a spoken-word place, he turned it into…another deli!And that deli, I can’t even tell you.Amazing.Choirs of angels.Objectively speaking, it’s nothing that special, and it’s laid out just as kookily as Downstairs Deli; the floor plan looks like a thermometer, so the main aisle is teensy, and getting past a lady ordering half a pound of smoked turkey so I can get to the cold drinks forces me, as I always do because: nerd, to make the “shall we dance” joke.But at Middle Of The Block Deli, people actually chuckle at that joke!Tired as it is, they agree to acknowledge the effort.Middle Of The Block Deli is, in the end, just a deli in the middle of the block, but it’s got spiffy new shelving, it’s neat and clean-floored, the stacks of tabloids don’t have weird bites taken out of them, the sandwich guy is the dude from the Associated who gives me a couple of slices of provolone to snack on while I wait, and most importantly, it isn’t Downstairs Deli.

Downstairs Deli clearly senses that the fight is on.I know this for two reasons: 1) the DD regulars reassuring the counter guys that people will check out Middle Of The Block Deli, not like it, and come back, and 2) Downstairs Deli management in its infinite wisdom decides to install new fixtures, including a new coffee “desk,” which is a definite improvement, and a new main counter, which isn’t, because it is way too tall.I’m five ten and I’m eye-level with the Halvah, so Lord knows how the shorter customers manage it.Who ordered that beast, the director of Brazil?It’s like The Ministry Of Swisher Sweets in there.This is fairly typical of Downstairs Deli — they try not to suck, but then sometimes, if you want a breakfast sandwich, you have to supply your own roll.This actually happened.

Then the whole block went through the looking glass with the signage.

First day of business, Middle Of The Block Deli puts out a signboard — grand opening, egg and cheese 99 cents, the usz.Nothing fancy.The next day, Downstairs Deli has its own signboard out, and once again, Downstairs Deli just sort of doesn’t get it: instead of a classy chalkboard set-up like MOTB Deli’s, it’s an ancient dry-erase dealie that doesn’t erase fully, plus they use a pinkish-red marker to write, like, every single thing for sale on it, so it comes off kind of desperate.I would say that the sign also looks like a drunk person wrote it, but having gone into that deli many times at many different hours of the day, I can almost guarantee that a drunk person did write it.So, MOTB Deli is all, “Please enjoy a breakfast sandwich at our establishment,” and Downstairs Deli is all, “HEY WE HAVE TAYLOR HAM NOT JUST HAM HAM TAYLOR HAM IT’S UM IT’S NAMED AFTER UH LET ME SEE HERE OH YES TAYLOR MY SON WHO WILL STARVE IF YOU DON’T COME IN FOR A SNACK CAKE OR SOMETHING ANYTHING PLEASE DON’T LEAVE I HATE YOU I AM SO LONELY.[HIC!]”

But it’s not over, oh no.About a week later, the pizza place puts out a sign of their own, so now it’s “we are happy to accompany you, quietly and helpfully, on your breakfast journey” versus “ALSO THERE IS BUTTERED ROLL AND JERKY LOVE ME DON’T SPEAK DOG FOOD COFFEE” versus “…Jeez.So, um, anyone for a calzone?”The sidewalk is starting to get cluttered with all the signage, to the point where I said to the mailman as a joke last week that I couldn’t believe the diner didn’t have a sign out yet.

The diner had a sign out the next day.

So, it’s already ridiculous, but it’s my belief that the citizens of Fourth Avenue should take it to its logical extreme if this is how it’s going to be.Everyone on the block needs to have a sign, in my opinion.I want the laundry to get a sign that says, “When you spill all those specials on your shirt, bring it here!”I want the restaurant next to the vacant lot to get one that says, “Yeah, leave us out of it.”The hair salon needs one, obviously; even the florist could get one.The florist is closed permanently; he packed it in and left months ago, but he could still have a sign.”Still out of business.You want flowers, go to the deli.No, not that one.”

Hell, I’ll put out a sign: “Cats $1.Bring own roll.”

Share!