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Home » Stories, True and Otherwise

The Nause-AA After Hours: Ralph for the Roses

Submitted by on November 8, 2012 – 11:28 AM23 Comments

Photo from

Update, 11/13/12: We have a winner! Taking home the grand prize is Kim with “hhooaarff”! Con…gratulations? Kim is joined on the podium by Elyse with “(HRRRRAAAAALLLFFFF)” and Maria with “SpeeYACK.” Well done, readers. I’ll contact you shortly to arrange delivery.

It’s come down to this, friends: the last three standing. Or…kneeling in front of the toilet. Hee. It’s time to choose the “best” onomatopoetic (or, as Keckler put it, “onomato-emetic”) barf sound!

But first, our prizes! The coiner of the winning onomatopoetic sound can select three (3) of the following five books as his/her prize (the runners-up will each get one (1)):

The Amazing Mackerel Pudding Plan
Cake Wrecks: When Professional Cakes Go Hilariously Wrong
Gastroanomalies: Questionable Culinary Creations from the Golden Age of American Cookery

Fashionable Food: Seven Decades of Food Fads 
and of course Suffering Succotash 

And glory, etc.

Ready? Go.

Final onomatopoll: pick one (1)!

  • hhooaarff (47%, 166 Votes)
  • (HRRRAAAAALLLFFFF) (42%, 148 Votes)
  • SpeeYACK. (11%, 38 Votes)

Total Voters: 352

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  • Leigh in CO says:

    The lettuce garnish sure doesn’t make “Spam gelatin” any more appealing, does it? Hhooaarff.

  • scout1222 says:

    I have the Mackerel Pudding book, and it’s hysterical!

  • Sandman says:

    You’ve been saving that Horf Loaf picture, haven’t you?

  • Jen S 1.0 says:

    Gahhhh. All that atomic testing turned us into spam gelatin eating mutants and we didn’t even know it!

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    It looks like shaped cottage cheese. Blurfle.

  • Keckler says:

    It looks like an anemic quiche Lorraine.

  • rab01 says:

    Shaped cottage cheese or just mold growing over everything.

    But, what’s that thing glowing burnt-orange in the background?

  • haras says:

    @scout1222 – I have the Mackerel Pudding book too and I concur that it is hysterical.
    The best part is that I found the actual vintage Weight Watchers recipe cards at a yard sale a couple of years ago…I snatched them right up and reveled in the fact that they are every bit as disturbing as the book makes them out to be!

  • Jen S 1.0 says:

    Looks like lemon Jell-O with carrot shreds. Jesus, did all recipes come from Bizarro World in the fifties/sixties or what?

  • Tracey says:

    Rab01, I think that’s orange Jell-O with pineapple chunks and shredded carrot. Or, as we call it in the Midwest, “salad.”

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    Wendy sent me the “Fishcakes” card years ago. It’s now been over my desk in [counts on fingers] five different apartments.

  • Emma says:

    I’m fairly certain that the orange thing is a denevan neural parasite.

  • Barb says:

    please don’t show us anymore of these TERRIBLY disturbing food pictures.

    Neither my mind nor stomach is prepared for these way-too-in-focus pics, and i do not want to practice the sounds to help me decide on voting. Thank you.

  • Yoshi says:

    What’s really spooking me is the *tiny* bit of that same fluoro orange just peeking out from under the cottage cheese (?) on the main dish. It’s like it’s sneaking up on the table, just waiting to ooze onto and engulf another plate. [shudder]

  • GeorgiaS says:

    @Yoshi: I noticed that, too! It’s like the spam loaf is layered on top of corn-infused aspic? (Note the small yellow chunks in the foreground of the photo.)I’m trying to convince myself that the top layer is vegetable cream cheese, but I can’t think of any pink vegetables.

  • SolitaryBlue says:

    Lately I’ve been trying to lose weight… and this whole barf-sounds poll has been a huge help with that. If I get hungry I just have to look at one of these pictures and/or read the list of sounds and my appetite is gone.

    I had never even heard of “Spam gelatin” before I read this post. I think I just died a little. HRRRAAAAALLLFFFF

  • Jenn says:

    “Chunks” is the wrong word to use here.


  • Melissa says:

    Are you there God? It’s me, Melissa.

    I don’t know what I did to warrant seeing this “food” thing that appears to be a pork/spam/only you know what, chilled lasagna wannabe…

    Omg. I can’t continue with my post. Or ever look at, or envision, that image again.

    Blurp. Bluerhghahooorhoooraffffffffff. Bleurgh. Bluergh. (save me, pleas…). Bleurghhhhhhhahaaaalffff.

  • Robin in Philly says:

    Can I just add that this is the first picture that has made me want to yark on sight? Even the refried beans took a few minutes of consideration for the nausea to begin. Gag-o-riffic!

  • Maria says:

    Oh, hi there. I’ve been so out of the loop I didn’t even get to vote (for myself). That photo is awful and as SolitaryBlue said, an EXCELLENT appetite suppressant. No sane person should eat any one of those ingredients, let alone combine them.

    Also, yes, Mackerel Pudding is amazing and will have you in tears laughing. Yay, 1970s?

  • Kim says:

    Oh my gosh–me? I think it’s ME! I’d like to thank my allergic reaction to an enzymatic cleanse supplement that forced me to pull over my car twice in a 20-minute trip to hhooaarf out the open driver’s door. (And, misjudging it, into the plastic door-pocket as well, ice scraper and parking pass be damned.)

    Even if it isn’t Me-Kim, I’ma choose some books here just so I can say “Mackerel-Succotash-Cake,” which is coincidentally THE DISH DEPICTED IN THE PHOTO ABOVE. :D

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    Oh, it’s you, Ralph Macchio.

  • Elyse says:

    You guys, I feel like I missed my 15 minutes of fame! I have been so busy at work I completely missed the popularity of HRRRAAAAALLLFFFF (definition: mayonnaise, if I remember correctly).
    Sars, I will go with the Mackerel Pudding book. Thank you!

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