So, I started rewatching The X-Files from the beginning — or, really, “watching it,” because during the series’ run, I came in late and only watched casually. It holds up pretty well almost 20 years later, despite …

“Shut Up, Hanson” count: 7
 
Generic high-school name du jour: Lincoln
The Plaintive Piano of Our National Pastime As Symbol of Sundered Innocence plinks as high-school pitcher Johnny Hartmann (Patrick Breen, a Hey, It’s That Guy! who …

The Plot: A teacher with financial problems gets beaten up, and because notorious loan shark Tony Delaplant’s son Hoagy (…seriously) attends the school, it’s assumed that one of them is involved. Hanson is sent in …

The Plot: Hanson and Penhall go undercover in one of their habitual guises, the McQuaid brothers, for one of Jump Street’s habitual drills: buy drugs in increasing quantities from a couple of middlemen in an …

“Shut Up, Penhall” Count: 1
We open with a much-too-long nighttime sequence in which a Kirk-Cameron-esque kid named Dylan tries every door of Artie’s Deli.He finally gains access to find his little friend Jordy snacking on …

…Wait, it’s already the episode where Jenko gets killed? But he’s my favorite character! I ask you: who among us will honor his memory by cutting the rebop? Not this episode, which, although it contains …

And now: A Very Explosive Episode of 21JS.
“Shut Up, Penhall” Count: 1
Catholic school. A nun patrols a hallway sternly, to the accompaniment of organ music. After she’s passed a Jesus statue, a door next to …

(Note: Today’s episode of Shut Up, Penhall has been rescheduled for a later date.Please enjoy this airing of Shut Up, Hanson instead.)
Drink for that episode title. What ever happened to Timbuk3, anyway?
The door of a …

“Shut Up, Penhall” Count: 1 0! It’s a Christmas miracle!
Nighttime at a high school whose physical plant is modeled after the Taj Mahal. A synthesizer plinks disapprovingly as a mysterious hand pink-spray-paints the phrase “Weintraub …

“Shut Up, Penhall” Count: 5
Accompanied by a David Coverdale-oid wailing, “YOU stole my WOOOORRRRLD,” a guy takes about four days to steal a Mercury Sable under cover of night.Well, sort of.He’s directly under a streetlight.Heaven …