The Vine: April 23, 2008
Dear Sars,
My boyfriend of five months is currently traveling solo through Southeast Asia, and although he’s already been gone for over three weeks (and is almost halfway through his trip), he has yet to call me as promised, despite the fact that I know he’s phoned his mom. He does write emails fairly regularly, although I notice that they are usually shorter than mine and slightly less frequent. All of this is starting to make me feel kind of insecure; enough that I’m considering ending the relationship. But do I need to wait until he gets back to hash it out?
I guess I need to give you a bit of background as to where my insecurity originates. We first met in the fall of last year, but didn’t start dating for a couple of months (we started out in a sort of awkward quasi-friendship zone which neither of us fully understood). We dated until early spring, when he surprised me by breaking things off, telling me that he got the feeling that I wasn’t that into him, or no longer had feelings for him. I spent a month trying to convince him otherwise (moment of truth: I was indeed having major doubts, but the break-up caused me to sit up and realize that I was losing something very special and important to me).
Long story short, we got back together, and two weeks later, he left on his solo adventure as planned. He’s been planning a solo trip like this since before we even met, and it’s not like I could have gone with him even if he had invited me, so I’m not offended about that. What I am uncertain of is why he’s being so…withheld…even though he’s well aware of my insecurity, especially in light of our recent break-up.
Do I just need to chill out, Sars? Am I expecting too much from him? Or are my anxieties well-founded, and should I be considering breaking it off now? I don’t want to spend the rest of his trip in anxiety until he gets back!
D
Dear D,
I think that, for now, you need to chill out — he’s half the world away, and I don’t think you’re in a place to bring these things up in a way that’s going to be productive, which leads me to my second point: long-term, yes, I think your anxieties are well-founded, and yes, I think you should consider breaking things off. But…not because of him.
What I’m getting from this letter is a lot of score-keeping and a lot of things left unsaid, by you. You’re annoyed that he called his mom and not you, and you’re hurt that his emails aren’t as long as yours and don’t come as often — did you discuss this beforehand, that you had a certain expectation for communications? You’re also hurt that he didn’t invite you; does he know that? No, you couldn’t have gone; no, you didn’t require an invitation. But he didn’t extend one, and that made you sad. Did you tell him that?
You need to keep two things in mind right now: the first is that he is on vacation, does not have regular access to the internet, and more importantly does not want it. People don’t go on two-month walkabout to renew their ties to their regular lives; they do it to get away, do something new. It is not about you, nor should it be; making it will backfire.
The second is that he is not a mind-reader, and it’s fine to be afraid to ask him for things emotionally because you think he thinks you’re not in a position to make demands — but be afraid and then do it anyway. “It hurts my feelings when X.” “I get insecure when you don’t Y.” Why did you spend a month re-closing the deal with the guy if you can’t speak frankly to him about what you need?
Remember: He broke things off because you were “withheld.” He didn’t know what you wanted, and he was pretty sure it wasn’t him. You won him back over; why did you bother? Because he’s special and important. Say so. Mention that you’d love a phone call, if he can manage it; let him know you really miss him and you’re glad for his emails when they come. You don’t have to fawn, and you’ll want to watch the passive-aggressiveness, because again, he’s time zones away, and Discussing The Relationship really has to be done face-to-face whenever possible. When he is face-to-face with you, though, you need to speak straightforwardly to him about your feelings and how his actions can affect them. Maybe he’s punishing you for before; maybe he just doesn’t know how you feel. Whichever it is, he needs to know so that you can move forward, or break up, or whatever’s going to happen.
But for now, 1) acknowledge that you have a little work to do in terms of keeping him up to date on your feelings, and 2) leave it until he gets home.
Hey Sars,
I dated this guy for two years and we split about a year and a half ago. It really was a great relationship that ended on great terms. We just had some issues that wouldn’t go away. Not a problem! We transitioned from boyfriend/girlfriend to really good friends. In fact, I think he would admit that I was his best friend, in terms of having someone to listen when he needed to talk. He didn’t have a whole lot of people like that in his life when I met him. After our breakup, we easily fell into a very good and totally platonic friendship. No breakup sex, no “let’s get back together” things, no crazy weirdness. It was really cool.
Last fall, he met a celebrity. Aging Rock Star (ARS). They got pretty hot and heavy quickly, and I can’t tell you how many beers we consumed on my patio while he gushed about her and her awesome-ocity — flying him around the world, buying him stuff, et cetera. etc. I was really happy for him. And jealous. Of him, I want a rock star! (I kid, sort of.)
Well, when they became serious she requested — NAY! — demanded, that he stop talking to me. Have I met her? No. Do I think it’s crazy that rock-star millionaire Grammy-doorstop lady is insecure about ME? Yes. Do I think it’s weird to see my ex-love and ARS schmooping in magazines while I’m standing in line with a box of tampons, orange juice, and dish soap? Double yes, but I digress…
He told me that she doesn’t want him to call me anymore, and doesn’t want me to call him. I told him I thought it was a bad idea for him to agree with those stipulations without talking to her about it first, but I acquiesced. I realize I don’t have control over that situation, or dibs on him. It just makes me sad that he’s getting into a serious relationship that is already having that kind of foundation laid. And sad that I was losing my friend. He also moved from his born-and-raised hometown to live with her, and their city happens to be the place where my parents live, and my parents really like him. They were excited to hear that he was moving into their zipcode so they could have lunch and see him every now and then, but ARS told the ex that he couldn’t have contact with them either. P.S. I’m crazy in love with my boyfriend and have told him all this, which he finds hilarious.
I definitely need to mention that the ex still calls me every few weeks just to chat, and ARS doesn’t know about it. It finally got to the point where I had to tell him he couldn’t call me if he still has to do it on the sly. I mean, I think it’s nuts, and I love talking to him, but I would be pissed if my boyfriend was calling people I told him not to (though I wouldn’t do that, I love him and trust him) but still! That’s not cool! I can’t do that to a sister, no matter how crazy she is in the head.
Anyway! I’m seriously getting to the point (aside from the one on the top of my head, tm Kinky Friedman). I have this friend, N. N is a big shot around these parts and a few weeks ago, she asked me if I would go to this concert with her on her birthday. She has access to the meet and greet with the headliners, backstage passes, et cetera. I said yes without thinking about it. Well, tonight I found out that it’s ARS’s concert! She’s opening for a really cool act that I would LOVE to meet and greet.
The concert is in a few weeks, and I seriously don’t know what to do. I joked with N about showing up all “Hi!” and giving my ex a heart attack…but I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do. I don’t want to be That Girl. I know that my ex is going to be there, it’s his hometown. What in the H-E-double-hockey-sticks will ARS do? Beat me up? Dedicate a cover of “The Bitch Is Back” to me? Get mad at his ex for somehow setting this up? And I am definitely not the “scene” kind of girl. My friend N will be hurt if I say no, but I think she’ll understand. Don’t get me wrong, for some reason, the whole idea of turning up is very enticing in a strange way. But I don’t want my motive to be stirring up trouble. I could give the ex a call and tell him I’ll be there. He’ll probably be upset. Aaack! Help!
Usually, when I read The Vine, I know what you’ll say before I’m even done reading. I thought that if I had the same intuition on my submission I wouldn’t bother sending it, but I don’t have that feeling. Let me know what you think!
I Can’t Even Play the Spoons!
Dear Spooooooooooooons!,
“Do unto others” should guide you here. I’m not saying you shouldn’t go; these aren’t your rules, and you shouldn’t have to give up seeing this other band just because your ex isn’t able to set boundaries with ARS. But he’s your friend, and you should do him the courtesy of a warning so that he doesn’t feel ambushed.
At that point, you have to handle his reaction however you see fit, but don’t put yourself in the position of agreeing not to come. ARS can try to put limits on your ex, I guess, if he’s willing to tolerate that sort of thing (and it seems he is, up to a point), but she can’t really control N, or public places, and if she chooses to throw a hissy in your direction, well, I guess we’ll all read about it on Defamer.
Yes, he’ll probably be upset; that’s too bad for him. Do you see what I mean? It’s not you who’s put him in this position; it’s ARS. And if it’s you who winds up getting yelled at for it, well, maybe this is not a friend you really need all that badly.
If you want to go to the concert, go. Give the ex a heads-up, but don’t take any crap from him about unreasonable requests you neither made nor pretended to agree to.
Hey Sarah,
I consider myself a Grammar Bitch, but this has me stumped. I’ve heard both “content” and “contented” used as an adjective. Which is correct?
Not Content[ed] Until I Have An Answer
Dear [ed],
Per Garner: “These two words are essentially synonyms, though content is somewhat more common as a predicate adjective (‘I’m feeling quite content’), and contented somewhat more common as an adjective preceding a noun (‘contented workers’).”
So: both.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships grammar
So…is this where we play Blind Item on the second letter?
That second letter reminded me a lot of my situation with my (ex)friend.
We dated. We broke up. We established great friendship. He met totally awesome perfect girlfriend who he almost immediately decided he was going to marry. Totally awesome girlfriend, without ever meeting me, decided he had to dump me. He did. End of story. Douchebag. I wish him the best. :p
Haha – I’m guessing… Sheryl Crow? Although she doesn’t seem the jealous type to me.
Yeah, I don’t think D should get too upset about her boyfriend calling his mom instead of her. If he’s in Southeast Asia with limited access to phones it probably makes more sense to him to use his phone time to call his mom, ie: the woman in his life who is more likely to be worried and fretting about his safety. He probably thinks there is nothing to worry about between him and D and, therefore, no call needed.
No shit, aj, who the heck is ARS?
Reading this, I can’t help but wonder: is there any way that ARS would know that Spoons is Spoons if she saw her backstage AND the guy pretended not to know her? Has she seen a photo of Spoons, does Spoons have a unique name or is she just another Jennifer?
Because if there’s no way ARS is going to know ahead of time who Spoons is, and god knows she wouldn’t ever meet or speak to Spoons any other time, and if boyfriend can be talked into keeping quiet (and if ARS is so insecure anyway maybe he’d want to be), I’m inclined to say, give boyfriend a heads-up, then pretend the two of you don’t know each other. ARS doesn’t lose her shit, the moment is smoothed over, and Spoons gets to go to her show with the birthday girl without a drama eruption.
I’m inclined to go along with Sars on the “fuck skipping the concert because she can’t handle that her ex used to date someone else” (and really, people should get over that crap when they are like 22, not however old ARS is), and generally I wouldn’t go for the stupid sitcom lie, but if any situation is gonna have a sitcom lie work, it might very well be this one.
Sheryl Crow is reportedly dating Steven Bing, which would mean Spoons=Liz Hurley, which would be AWESOME.
I think ARS is Alanis Morissette. She’s opening for Matchbox 20 right now and, as far as I know, is single. That’s my guess!
@D – I work for the phone company & as much as I hate to admit this, it took me FOUR DAYS to figure out how to call home from a foriegn country! The phone system was—foriegn!
@Spoons – my daughter was in a similar sitch (minus the ARS stuff) and my daughter dumped the guy – told him that even if his new girlfriend gave him back his testicles, or he grew a pair, she didn’t want to be friends with a guy who’d dump a friend because he was told to do so.
She was much more eloquent, and made me very proud.
Is it…Joan Jett? ‘Cause I think SHE could kick your ass!
@carriejoyce: I’m totally behind the Alanis Morissette theory, she also seems like the crazy jealous type (to me).
Alanis Morrisette might be the one, but I sincerely hope we’re not referring to 33-year-olds as “aging” nowadays.
I say Mariah Carey, mostly because she was interviewed on the radio this morning, and it pleases me to think of her as ‘aging.’ Not because of however old she actually is but because she undoubtedly marks the passage of time by the skin damage. “Oh, god, I look THIRTY-FIVE!”
It’s not Joan Jett (I don’t think), because she’s dating Carmen Electra. Or at least, was…
When I’ve traveled in foreign countries for 3+ weeks, my contact with people back home (including SOs) was very limited. Two sentance emails, a few minutes phone calls to say that I was alive and well. It wasn’t because I didn’t love them, it just wasn’t very convenient to have long communication and I told them everything when I got back.
Looks like Morrisette has been dating some dude since ’02 and is engaged – so… I suppose it depends on how current Sars is with her mail :P
I ain’t *that* behind, no.
…Benatar? I feel like she’s been married to the same guy for like 20 years or something, though.
Sars, you’re right–Pat Benatar has been married to her guitar player since forever (pre-Love is a Battlefield, I believe).
Well, I guess we know its not Melissa Etheridge…and I’d hardly call Mariah Carey rock, so that lets her out. My money’s on Morrisette.
>>>I think ARS is Alanis Morissette. She’s opening for Matchbox 20 right now
Alanis and Ryan Reynolds broke up permanently in February 2007, so besides the “aging” piece, she’d fit.
Bonnie Raitt? Melissa Etheridge (yeah, grasping at straws, I know).
P.S. Tina Turner! Please let it be Tina Turner.
Sorry about the technical difficulties there… I was just trying to say that if Alanis is opening for Matchbox 20, it can’t be Alanis, because Spoons said the main act was “really cool.” And Matchbox 20 isn’t cool. (It was funnier the first time.)
Am I the only one who will now be going through every Star and US Weekly nonstop until I have some solid theories about who ARS is? No? Good.
I’d have to second what KPP said: whenever I’ve traveled anywhere for any length of time, I generally have very little contact with anyone back home. Even my mother, who I’m very close to and talk to on a daily basis under normal circumstances (usually more than once), considers herself lucky if I remember to call and tell her I’ve arrived in one piece less than a day and a half after I get off the plane. It’s just usually not convenient and tends to slip my mind because, well I’m doing new stuff and I figure that everyone back home knows that I’m out of contact and that I’ll catch up when I get back. But I also don’t expect people to keep me updated while they’re off wherever.
So a phone call saying the plane didn’t crash and the occasional email to make sure my cats and favorite family members are still alive is pretty much the norm.
I have to admit, being the 80s rockstar bimbo I am/was … the first name that popped into MY pathetic mind was Lita Ford. Lita’s probably not opening for anyone particularly exciting these days, though. Stevie Nicks was my second thought – I seem to have a much different frame of reference!
(I am seven years older than Alanis, and would be extremely depressed to think of her as “aging” … I’M not even “aging”, and I’m forty — frame of reference notwithstanding!)
Belinda Carlisle
Edie Brickell
Natalie Merchant (have met/was bitch)
Annabella Lwin
Cyndi Lauper
Tori Amos
Bjork (heh)
Janet Jackson
P J Harvey
Paula Abdul (yeah, I know – not rock – but isn’t it fun to accuse her of pretty much everything these days?)
It doesn’t seem that long ago that Alanis would have been the headliner and Matchbox 20 the crappy opening band, does it? Damn, ARS is not the only one who feels like they’re aging.
hee, “have met/was bitch.” That needs to be an acronym. HM/WB.
I can’t stop laughing at the comments, mostly b/c Alanis was the very first person to come to my mind, w/o even knowing whether she was touring or not. But I agree with Mollie – it can’t be her, b/c Matchbox 20 is lame.
Is it only me? Most of my guy friends (although I admit they aren’t boyfriends) emails are shorter/less frequent than mine. I assumed it was a guy thing. I know they love me.
I can agree with ARS…if you are in a relationship but are still getting major emotional needs (conversation, admiraiton) met outside the relationship, that is not a good thing. ExBF seems not to have the ability to have the OP just as a regular friend, but as a close friend. I would not want my significant other to have a very close relationship to people of the opposite sex either.
I am completely adding HM/WB to my slang vocabulary. Hee!
Maybe Spoon’s exBF is just a wuss. Maybe he doesn’t want to talk to her anymore & is blaming it on ARS. I dunno, just a thought. You should absolutely go to the concert, though, Spoon.
I have nothing useful to add on Spoons’ situation; I just wanted to say I haven’t laughed quite so hard as at “have met/was bitch” and “HM/WB” in quite a while. Not only does it need to be an acronym, I think we could make it catch on.
Oooh, you know, Sheryl Crow was my guess. The Kinky Friedman quote lends the heady barbecue and beer aroma of the Lone Star State, specifically Austin (Texans FTW!) and I think she still hangs around there, post Lance Armstrong break up. It is also one of those places where I would say the venn diagram of Vine readers and fairly famous rock stars (or tangential acquaintances thereof) would definitely intersect.
Man, now I want barbecue… And a Shiner Bock.
@Diane – I thought of Lita Ford immediately too! But according to her bio, she’s married.
If it’s Alanis I’m gonna be really pissed about the “aging” part ’cause I’m old enough to be her mom. I guess we’re ALL aging…it beats the alternative.
HM/WB – excellent!
For some reason, I keep thinking Blondie/Debbie Harry/Deborah Harry/whatever she’s going by now. Is she opening for anyone?
ok, i know this is highly unlikely, but the above debbie post got me going – DEBBIEGIBSON! how funny would that be??!! again, not really “aging”. Tiffany? :)
I have not felt this cool in years.
And I’m pretty effing cool.
(To-be-fair-to-Natalie disclaimer – when I met her, it was 1982. It is JUST possible she isn’t the girl she was back then.)
I completely disagree with ARS (and bopper). Why should anyone expect one person to be everything to another? If a person’s close friends (yes, even exes) happen to be the same gender as people they date, what of it? It all comes down to trust. If you can’t trust your S.O. not to cross the friendship line with supposed friends, then you should either work on your own issues or let S.O. go, because you’re sowing the seeds of destruction. There, that’s suitably dramatic. :)
have met/was bitch
This is classic. Or it will be after we all start using it. :)
Here’s a link to pics of Alanis and a new boyfriend, along with bitchy commentary from Lainey.
http://tinyurl.com/56cnx2
My hubby is best friends with his ex-they see each other once a week and call each other every day. It does not bother me-I trust him, and ex has become my friend as well. (Ok, the phone calls more than once a day or right when we’ve just sat down together to watch TV or something annoy me…but that’s not a trust issue that’s just that ex can be a pest).
If a person I was dating told me I “was forbidden” to talk to any one-ex, family member, friend, whatever-we would not be dating anymore.
Sheryl Crow is touring with James Blunt this summer, who would classify as cool, but he’s opening for her.
I like the Natalie Merchant theory so much that I decided to see what she was up to. According to nataliemerchant.com, she will soon be playing with… The Boston Pops! “Natalie will be performing two live shows with the Boston Pops for their innovative Edgefest series, which continues to redefine the musical boundaries of rock and tradition.” So OBVIOUSLY that’s the “really cool” act to which Spoons referred. Keith Lockhart is the dreamiest!
Although I’m not sure Nat appears in the ‘bloids very often. So maybe not.
@Diane: Yes. Yes, you are. I can’t believe I neglected to mention this earlier, but, Go, Team Diane!
Right on, Holly. Anyone who told me to break off all communications with any male friends would get their walking papers right quick.
Building relationships on a lack of trust is setting yourself up for disaster. And besides, who said girls and boys can’t be friends? Frankly, though my *closest* of close friends are girls, I’ve always gotten along better with guys in general, and ever shall it be. If you personally are not able to handle alternate-gender friendships, that doesn’t give you the right to assert that nobody can, and certainly not to make ultimatums about it.
Now, if you had met said ex and she was all over your bf and clearly still had feelings, etc etc…that’s a totally different story. But seriously just friends? Work on your own issues.
i have to admit that i did what ARS is doing to my 1st boyfriend after my divorce. I knew he was carrying a torch for his ex still so told him to cut ties with her totally. We broke up because he wouldn’t. Now maybe this guy has spoken about spoons in such a way to make ARS feel that he is holding more feeling than just friends…(not judging just saying).
My ex should have given me assurances that it was over/ i had nothing to worry about but he didn’t so i was glad to have it over.
I didn’t come to TN expecting a BI, but wow, very fun. Carrie, your link seems spot on – could that be the guy?
Anyway – to the letter – I thought Spoons was protesting a bit much: she’s totally cool! they’re just friends! she doesn’t care! Really!!
But the letter goes on and on and on, and she definitely is pretty nasty about ARS, and exceedingly ticked that ARS isn’t stepping in line with her and ex’s world order. I’m Team ARS on this – she’s dating him, and who knows what the ex really thinks about all of it anyway… he might be saying that ARS is the ballbuster, when really, he’s smitten and wants to move on.
I have always been pretty firm with my beaus that we should be each others best friend and confidant – if not, we shouldn’t be together. Anyone agree?
In response to D’s letter, the short e-mails might be a matter of expense. Is he using Internet cafes?
A few years ago I was only a solo trip to Paris and my parents wanted constant ‘am I safe?’ updates. In one hostel, where I didn’t have access to a phone, there was one computer with Internet access, but access cost like 2 Euros a minute. I dashed off an e-mail in like 49 seconds (“Still here! Fine! Love you!” send), and the next time I talked to my dad, he was like, “Short enough e-mail?”
Well, he did eventually phone once, but we got cut off. Anyway, we continued dating for about 7 months after he got back, but then broke up after dating for about a year. If it had JUST been the lack of phone calls during the trip, I would totally have understood – but the same kind of issues continued in other ways. It was the kind of relationship where I was expected to minister to his every insecurity, but wasn’t allowed to ask for any compromises for my own needs (if I did, he’d become extremely defensive and we’d end up fighting). Eventually I just got tired of the relentless self-absorption – we are, however, still friends!