The Vine: April 23, 2008
Dear Sars,
My boyfriend of five months is currently traveling solo through Southeast Asia, and although he’s already been gone for over three weeks (and is almost halfway through his trip), he has yet to call me as promised, despite the fact that I know he’s phoned his mom. He does write emails fairly regularly, although I notice that they are usually shorter than mine and slightly less frequent. All of this is starting to make me feel kind of insecure; enough that I’m considering ending the relationship. But do I need to wait until he gets back to hash it out?
I guess I need to give you a bit of background as to where my insecurity originates. We first met in the fall of last year, but didn’t start dating for a couple of months (we started out in a sort of awkward quasi-friendship zone which neither of us fully understood). We dated until early spring, when he surprised me by breaking things off, telling me that he got the feeling that I wasn’t that into him, or no longer had feelings for him. I spent a month trying to convince him otherwise (moment of truth: I was indeed having major doubts, but the break-up caused me to sit up and realize that I was losing something very special and important to me).
Long story short, we got back together, and two weeks later, he left on his solo adventure as planned. He’s been planning a solo trip like this since before we even met, and it’s not like I could have gone with him even if he had invited me, so I’m not offended about that. What I am uncertain of is why he’s being so…withheld…even though he’s well aware of my insecurity, especially in light of our recent break-up.
Do I just need to chill out, Sars? Am I expecting too much from him? Or are my anxieties well-founded, and should I be considering breaking it off now? I don’t want to spend the rest of his trip in anxiety until he gets back!
D
Dear D,
I think that, for now, you need to chill out — he’s half the world away, and I don’t think you’re in a place to bring these things up in a way that’s going to be productive, which leads me to my second point: long-term, yes, I think your anxieties are well-founded, and yes, I think you should consider breaking things off. But…not because of him.
What I’m getting from this letter is a lot of score-keeping and a lot of things left unsaid, by you. You’re annoyed that he called his mom and not you, and you’re hurt that his emails aren’t as long as yours and don’t come as often — did you discuss this beforehand, that you had a certain expectation for communications? You’re also hurt that he didn’t invite you; does he know that? No, you couldn’t have gone; no, you didn’t require an invitation. But he didn’t extend one, and that made you sad. Did you tell him that?
You need to keep two things in mind right now: the first is that he is on vacation, does not have regular access to the internet, and more importantly does not want it. People don’t go on two-month walkabout to renew their ties to their regular lives; they do it to get away, do something new. It is not about you, nor should it be; making it will backfire.
The second is that he is not a mind-reader, and it’s fine to be afraid to ask him for things emotionally because you think he thinks you’re not in a position to make demands — but be afraid and then do it anyway. “It hurts my feelings when X.” “I get insecure when you don’t Y.” Why did you spend a month re-closing the deal with the guy if you can’t speak frankly to him about what you need?
Remember: He broke things off because you were “withheld.” He didn’t know what you wanted, and he was pretty sure it wasn’t him. You won him back over; why did you bother? Because he’s special and important. Say so. Mention that you’d love a phone call, if he can manage it; let him know you really miss him and you’re glad for his emails when they come. You don’t have to fawn, and you’ll want to watch the passive-aggressiveness, because again, he’s time zones away, and Discussing The Relationship really has to be done face-to-face whenever possible. When he is face-to-face with you, though, you need to speak straightforwardly to him about your feelings and how his actions can affect them. Maybe he’s punishing you for before; maybe he just doesn’t know how you feel. Whichever it is, he needs to know so that you can move forward, or break up, or whatever’s going to happen.
But for now, 1) acknowledge that you have a little work to do in terms of keeping him up to date on your feelings, and 2) leave it until he gets home.
Hey Sars,
I dated this guy for two years and we split about a year and a half ago. It really was a great relationship that ended on great terms. We just had some issues that wouldn’t go away. Not a problem! We transitioned from boyfriend/girlfriend to really good friends. In fact, I think he would admit that I was his best friend, in terms of having someone to listen when he needed to talk. He didn’t have a whole lot of people like that in his life when I met him. After our breakup, we easily fell into a very good and totally platonic friendship. No breakup sex, no “let’s get back together” things, no crazy weirdness. It was really cool.
Last fall, he met a celebrity. Aging Rock Star (ARS). They got pretty hot and heavy quickly, and I can’t tell you how many beers we consumed on my patio while he gushed about her and her awesome-ocity — flying him around the world, buying him stuff, et cetera. etc. I was really happy for him. And jealous. Of him, I want a rock star! (I kid, sort of.)
Well, when they became serious she requested — NAY! — demanded, that he stop talking to me. Have I met her? No. Do I think it’s crazy that rock-star millionaire Grammy-doorstop lady is insecure about ME? Yes. Do I think it’s weird to see my ex-love and ARS schmooping in magazines while I’m standing in line with a box of tampons, orange juice, and dish soap? Double yes, but I digress…
He told me that she doesn’t want him to call me anymore, and doesn’t want me to call him. I told him I thought it was a bad idea for him to agree with those stipulations without talking to her about it first, but I acquiesced. I realize I don’t have control over that situation, or dibs on him. It just makes me sad that he’s getting into a serious relationship that is already having that kind of foundation laid. And sad that I was losing my friend. He also moved from his born-and-raised hometown to live with her, and their city happens to be the place where my parents live, and my parents really like him. They were excited to hear that he was moving into their zipcode so they could have lunch and see him every now and then, but ARS told the ex that he couldn’t have contact with them either. P.S. I’m crazy in love with my boyfriend and have told him all this, which he finds hilarious.
I definitely need to mention that the ex still calls me every few weeks just to chat, and ARS doesn’t know about it. It finally got to the point where I had to tell him he couldn’t call me if he still has to do it on the sly. I mean, I think it’s nuts, and I love talking to him, but I would be pissed if my boyfriend was calling people I told him not to (though I wouldn’t do that, I love him and trust him) but still! That’s not cool! I can’t do that to a sister, no matter how crazy she is in the head.
Anyway! I’m seriously getting to the point (aside from the one on the top of my head, tm Kinky Friedman). I have this friend, N. N is a big shot around these parts and a few weeks ago, she asked me if I would go to this concert with her on her birthday. She has access to the meet and greet with the headliners, backstage passes, et cetera. I said yes without thinking about it. Well, tonight I found out that it’s ARS’s concert! She’s opening for a really cool act that I would LOVE to meet and greet.
The concert is in a few weeks, and I seriously don’t know what to do. I joked with N about showing up all “Hi!” and giving my ex a heart attack…but I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do. I don’t want to be That Girl. I know that my ex is going to be there, it’s his hometown. What in the H-E-double-hockey-sticks will ARS do? Beat me up? Dedicate a cover of “The Bitch Is Back” to me? Get mad at his ex for somehow setting this up? And I am definitely not the “scene” kind of girl. My friend N will be hurt if I say no, but I think she’ll understand. Don’t get me wrong, for some reason, the whole idea of turning up is very enticing in a strange way. But I don’t want my motive to be stirring up trouble. I could give the ex a call and tell him I’ll be there. He’ll probably be upset. Aaack! Help!
Usually, when I read The Vine, I know what you’ll say before I’m even done reading. I thought that if I had the same intuition on my submission I wouldn’t bother sending it, but I don’t have that feeling. Let me know what you think!
I Can’t Even Play the Spoons!
Dear Spooooooooooooons!,
“Do unto others” should guide you here. I’m not saying you shouldn’t go; these aren’t your rules, and you shouldn’t have to give up seeing this other band just because your ex isn’t able to set boundaries with ARS. But he’s your friend, and you should do him the courtesy of a warning so that he doesn’t feel ambushed.
At that point, you have to handle his reaction however you see fit, but don’t put yourself in the position of agreeing not to come. ARS can try to put limits on your ex, I guess, if he’s willing to tolerate that sort of thing (and it seems he is, up to a point), but she can’t really control N, or public places, and if she chooses to throw a hissy in your direction, well, I guess we’ll all read about it on Defamer.
Yes, he’ll probably be upset; that’s too bad for him. Do you see what I mean? It’s not you who’s put him in this position; it’s ARS. And if it’s you who winds up getting yelled at for it, well, maybe this is not a friend you really need all that badly.
If you want to go to the concert, go. Give the ex a heads-up, but don’t take any crap from him about unreasonable requests you neither made nor pretended to agree to.
Hey Sarah,
I consider myself a Grammar Bitch, but this has me stumped. I’ve heard both “content” and “contented” used as an adjective. Which is correct?
Not Content[ed] Until I Have An Answer
Dear [ed],
Per Garner: “These two words are essentially synonyms, though content is somewhat more common as a predicate adjective (‘I’m feeling quite content’), and contented somewhat more common as an adjective preceding a noun (‘contented workers’).”
So: both.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships grammar
As she said on the The Ellen Degeneres Show, she is currently dating another man.
From wikipedia re:Sheryl Crow
Wow, so if D’s letter is being published a… year and eight months? later, maybe we need to go into the National Enquirer archives to figure out who ARS is. Though I like the idea of it being Alanis and the guy in the link Carrie Ann posted – he just looks like he fits the whole picture. (If it is Alanis, though, I’d have to say that maybe Spoons is a leetle less well-adjusted with the whole thing than she’s admitting because, as so many others have said, aging?)
I agree with Mollie, by the way – for ARS to be Tina Turner would be awesome. (My first thought was Cher, that’s how far out of the popular music loop I am…)
The letter was less than a year old.
As far as I know, Tina lives in Switzerland with a longtime SO. And Edie Brickell is married to Paul Simon. Yeah, I know too much about this kind of thing.
My problem with the guy with Alanis is that, to me, he looks older than she does. I was picturing more of a boy-toy deal, but maybe I was reading something into the letter that wasn’t there.
I love the fact that “have met/was bitch” was also what made me bark with delight, and I was so happy to see everyone else love it, too.
Alanis seems possible to me.
As to the substance: I understand feeling insecure about opposite-sex friends, especially when they’re exes. But on the other hand, if the only reason your boyfriend isn’t cheating on you is that you’re keeping him from having opposite-sex friends, then the opposite-sex friends aren’t the problem.
My best friend is a guy. (Not an ex, in fairness.) His wife is rad, she and I are friends, I love their kids, and it’s all fine. I think it does take time for everybody to get to know each other and feel comfortable. There are territory-establishing issues for everyone, and everybody’s got to be a grownup about it. The fact that the letter-writer doesn’t know ARS may actually be part of the problem. But it really can be done. My concern here is that the guy doesn’t seem willing to take the situation in hand and decide how he wants to solve it. LW isn’t doing anything wrong; she’s just being friends with a guy she’s friends with. ARS’s demands on him are between him and ARS. I don’t think ARS being “a sister” is the issue at all; the issue is whether you want to be friends with someone who won’t stand up for his friendship with you.
Not letting him visit your parents? That’s crazy shit, and the fact that he’s going for it reflects poorly on him and on how much he cares right now about logic, mental health, or anything other than staying on her good side. I don’t think friends ask friends to lie for them, barring really, really unusual circumstances, which “my girlfriend is a hyper-jealous spaz” is not.
HM/WB
Love it.
Makes me wish I’d meet more bitches so I could use it frequently.
Ah, okay, so not that far back then. (I wasn’t intending to be snarky or critical; just trying to figure out who’s touring when.)
@Dona: Spoons=Liz Hurley? AWESOME in its own right.
I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I recognize the guy with Alanis as being a long-time member of her band named Jason Orme. Whether they are dating or not, I have absolutely no idea. But unless Spoons’ ex-boyfriend has known Alanis for years (I’m talking Thank You India days) and is a world-class guitar player, then that is not him. Of course, that doesn’t mean Alanis isn’t ARS- it just means that the “rumored” new boyfriend in those pictures is not actually her boyfriend.
Oh, another comment about the list of potential ARSes.
Edie Brickell, Tori Amos, and Cyndi Lauper are all married for sure. So, I hope it’s not them.
e: Sorry if that was unclear – I meant that we dated a year in total (we’d already been dating 5 months when I wrote in).
Ran a record store – all of them are slight control freaks and wouldn’t see anything wrong with this behaviour. Natalie Merchant though, took a bitch cake.
Meet and greets are filled with fans, friends of people like N, record company execs, local record store people, local journalists and the lot. There’s not a huge chance, unless she’s seen a picture, that ARS will know she’s there. Plus it’s dark and they sometimes perform (especially for kids). So unless ARS is super clingy (and she shouldn’t – she’s working) it shouldn’t be a problem.
Will think on identity. Alanis fits the bill, but more of a control freak than a bitch.
ARS – IS NOT ALANIS! I know her current boyfriend. And he was single long time before he met her so…
I think ARS can’t be Alanis cause the tour with Matchbox 20 ended on March 18th already. And she isn’t on the tour right now!
Hee. I feel better calling Natalie Merchant a bitch circa 1982 knowing she still takes the bitch cake.
Which is the phrase *I* will be stealing.
(Y’all, I have emailed this link to four friends and crowed about it with the man … such. a. dork. I am.)
Matchbox 20 isn’t cool? Awww, crap. I’m now officially lame. :-) To be fair, though, I’m a much bigger fan of their older stuff and Rob Thomas is hot.
@Adrienne- “Man, now I want barbecue… And a Shiner Bock.”
We actually get Shiner down here in Florida! My aunt and my dad introduced my husband to it when we were visiting in Houston and he hardly drinks any other beer. He can tell you exactly which stores carry it in the Orlando area. Very sad, really.
[quote]But the letter goes on and on and on, and she definitely is pretty nasty about ARS, and exceedingly ticked that ARS isn’t stepping in line with her and ex’s world order. I’m Team ARS on this – she’s dating him, and who knows what the ex really thinks about all of it anyway… he might be saying that ARS is the ballbuster, when really, he’s smitten and wants to move on.[/quote]
Well, I agree that’s possible, but I think in the context of actually answering a letter writer’s question or giving advice, we have to accept their perspective and version of events as facts and base our answers on that.
[quote]I have always been pretty firm with my beaus that we should be each others best friend and confidant – if not, we shouldn’t be together. Anyone agree?[/quote]
In some things, yes. But both partners having best friends outside the relationship can help it too-particularly if what you need to confide in your best friend is problems with your partner. For example, my BF is going through a long period of unemployment and has been pretty down/depressed/no fun, understandably. But the situation’s hard on me, too, and having friends I can talk to about my frustration with the situation helps me not put that back on boyfriend when he needs my support.
Just wanted to speak up for Natalie Merchant.
Did meet/not bitch
But that was about 15 years ago so much may have changed.
Love HM/WB though….
*Rubs hands together* Project! Must figure out WHO. This is FUN. (And, sadly, it just occurred to me that I? Need a LIFE.)
Anyway, the first two to pop into my head were Lita Ford and Cher, but then I read the part of her letter where she referred to the woman as “A Sister” and…God, I hope this doesn’t come out wrong, but…I wondered if maybe we’re limiting ourselves only considering AWF (Aging White Females)?
*Stomps foot* Dahhhhmit, spoons! Tell us WHOOOO!!!
“then I read the part of her letter where she referred to the woman as “A Sister” and…God, I hope this doesn’t come out wrong, but…I wondered if maybe we’re limiting ourselves only considering AWF (Aging White Females)?”
Now I desperately, desperately want ARS to be Aretha Franklin, who isn’t even a rock star. DAMNIT.
During lunch today, I quite enjoyed reading about the rejoicing over MH/WB. I even emailed my girlfriend to tell her to come over here and read it herself.
Then I went to a meeting this afternoon, and received some very inappropriately snippy comments from a coworker newly assigned to my department. Writing to my girlfriend again to vent, I had a sudden brainstorm — this entire situation can be summed up to: MH/WB.
Did NOT expect to find a use for the acronym so very soon!!
Oh, man – I hate it when I get all obsessively nosy over Vine letters. Blind items drive me batty.
UPDATE! Thanks everyone for your thoughtful and hilarious replies! So, I did go, and I did warn the ex, and I also brought my boyfriend. It was really fun, and we did walk by the ex, but I don’t think he saw me, or pretended not to. What a wanker! Anyhoo Jennifer, you should appreciate this. It’s true that ARS has no clue who I am. Long story short, my love and I may or may not have had our picture taken with her during the meet and greet! Evil! N. put us up to it. My dad almost had a heart attack laughing himself silly when I told him about it.
Good guesses everyone, and I regret that I can divulge who she is. I just think that would be pretty tacky and I DO want to respect their relationship. A little.
UPDATE PART DOS: I am definitely NOT Elizabeth Hurley, though that would totally rock, except for the being-dumped-by-your-baby’s-daddy and having to walk around all the time with your stomach sucked in.
And she’s famous…but not that famous. Maybe I misrepresented her ARS status. She manages to slip in and out of obscurity without much fanfare. Dang, if it were Lita Ford I would have told the ex to pound sand and give me her damn phone number so I could go out with her! I could totally handle the Ozzy parts our our duet…
I bet it’s Liz Phair!!!!
I know this is waaaaaay after the fact, but I bet it’s Lisa Loeb. Not long after this letter ran, she married a not-famous guy who was a lot younger than her.