The Vine: April 27, 2011
My boyfriend and I packed our things and moved from Florida to his hometown in Connecticut about six months ago — on the whole, it was a good move. We both hated the south and love it here, it brought me closer to my old home on Long Island where my brother lives with his wife and 18-month-old twins (who pretty much owned me from the moment they were born) and my boyfriend’s family is here. I hadn’t met them before we made the move, but for the most part they’ve all been wonderful to me — I adore his mother, sister, and brother.
Mom and Dad are divorced; Sister lives with Mom across town. Dad and Brother live two doors down from us in the same small apartment building. Unfortunately, I can trace most of the problems we’ve had since we got here — and there have been some big ones — back to his father.
The whole thing has gotten so tangled that I don’t really even know where to start, to be honest. He can be an absolutely wonderful, but he can also be a lazy, selfish, deeply inappropriate person with no sense of when he’s crossed a line. Some of the stuff he does is just little day-to-day nonsense like sending his sons to bring him things from downstairs (or the kitchen, or the table two feet away) because he doesn’t want to drag his grossly overweight self off of the couch — l’ll probably always have to grit my teeth and pretend I don’t think he’s a lazy bastard, but it’s really not that big a deal at the end of the day.
Less insignificant — Brother (he’s 18) doesn’t have a license yet, and Boyfriend and I help them out by bringing them to work, picking up, dropping off, lending one of our cars. Usually we’re told, not asked, to do this. Right now, Father’s truck has a flat, he just got paid on Friday and didn’t replace it (spent his money on drugs) and now we’ll be expected to help make sure that Father and Brother get to and from work for the rest of the week.
Oh, and said drugs? Were shared with a sixteen-year-old friend of Brother’s. I’m no angel, but I’m a legal adult, and so was everyone else present. If something had gone wrong, Father would be in a whole hell of a lot of legal trouble, and I just pointed that out to Boyfriend and was basically told, “Fuck that, the kid knew what he was doing.” Kid’s still a minor and not Father’s son, but now I’m getting the silent treatment for “blaming it on [Father].” This is the man that also sends his sons out to buy pot whenever he wants some.
Father also has a habit of saying really, really inappropriate things. I was in the car with him and Boyfriend waiting for Brother to leave the store one day, and a pregnant woman (who none of us knew) walked past the car. Father interrupted his own sentence to say, verbatim, “Should have swallowed, bitch,” and then continued what he was previously saying. Now, this woman didn’t hear him, and Father didn’t mean her to — the windows of the car were shut — but it’s almost worse for the fact that it was just an offhand comment that…nobody even really thought twice about. I don’t think I should have to listen to things like that.
Boyfriend has gone on the record with me saying that if I can’t accept his dad, it’s probably not going to work out. I feel like I’m being asked to accept a hell of a lot in the name of keeping the peace around here. Father is a very excitable person who doesn’t take well to being called on his bullshit, or even being told “no” when he asks someone to do something, no matter how big a hassle it is for them. (I did his taxes this year, and never once got a thank-you.) Brother and Sister have also told me that nothing is ever going to change. Boyfriend tells me that I don’t have to go over Father’s house to visit when he does. That’s all well and good, but it doesn’t mean he’s going to stay home with me — and he spends enough time at his dad’s that for me to stay home would significantly cut the amount of time I get to spend with him. I told Boyfriend that, and all I got in return was a shrug. So it basically doesn’t matter to him.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve probably done more bitching about the whole situation than I should, and I’ve been trying very, very hard to stop that, because I know it bothers Boyfriend to hear me talk about his father, and it’s natural for him to defend his dad, but it bothers ME that I’m expected to put up with all this. I know that not everything is happy-fun-times when there are in-laws involved, but this is all a little beyond the pale in my opinion, and I feel increasingly like the least important person around here. I don’t have any family in this area — my parents are still in Florida and my brother is a three-hour-drive away — and it’s very, very difficult for me to not have anyone in town that’s mine, if you know what I mean. Most of the people in my life right now are Boyfriend’s family and social circle, and it’s difficult to get away from that even at work, because we work at the same place.
I don’t want to leave this guy that I love because his father’s a jackass sometimes, and I’ve already made the decision to hang on through the last half of our lease, get us the hell out of this apartment and away from living thirty feet down the sidewalk, and then see how things go once we’re not all in each other’s back pockets — but it’s hard. And I’m tired of the arguments about his dad’s behavior that end with my boyfriend angry and me in tears. I need some insight or opinions from someone who isn’t in the center of all this. Help?
At a Loss
Dear Loss,
Leave. You have no family in the area, really; you haven’t made close friends; you have no allies, nobody who is on your side. Your boyfriend’s father is a skeezy felon, and your boyfriend has made it plain in a number of ways that he will not stick up for you. He didn’t choose you. He doesn’t care about your feelings. Even if you do move away, how can you unknow that, that instead of volunteering not to go to Father’s so much, or supporting you in your frustration, he “shrugged” and gave you the silent treatment? (I assume it’s Boyfriend who’s doing that; the antecedent is a little unclear.) The…silent treatment. What’s next, he’s going to refuse to trade puffy stickers with you? Fuck off!
The whole thing sucks, and accepting that means accepting that, through no fault of your own, you’ll have to start all over somewhere else — that sucks too, but that’s what you have to do. Tell your boyfriend exactly what you just told me. …Actually, scream it. Have a big old gory-opera breakdown. You hate that you have no one, you hate that Boyfriend has chosen Father over you, the whole family’s relationship with itself is pathological, and you’ve had it. Good luck with the cops and the inevitable debts and all the rest of it — you’re out.
Understand: you don’t do this to get Boyfriend to beg you to stay; he won’t, and on the off chance he does, you shouldn’t. You do it so that you can go on the record with how he fucked up, and make him feel like shit, but it isn’t going to change. Everyone else in the situation has told you as much, and the doing Father’s taxes this and the ferrying an adult sibling around that…loyalty to family is important, but Boyfriend’s attachment to the situation is well beyond a healthy allegiance.
Understand also that you’re not leaving because Dad is a jackass. You’re leaving because Boyfriend is a jackass. I mean…with the shrugging? Really? Because I’d have packed a bag that night. Let’s see how blasé he is when it’s just him and the rent. You have your own life to find, and it doesn’t involve working for free and getting told constantly that you don’t matter, so start looking.
Again, it’s horrible, it’s a lot logistics-wise, it feels like you failed…I know all that. But either he doesn’t love you, or he’s an unconscionable pussy; neither of those is workable. You can do better, so go do better, like right now.
Tags: boys (and girls) the fam
@Amy: I’m confused, you say
You could lose so much. Your place to live, your car, your stuff, your right to vote.
Please tell an ignorant European – can you lose your right to vote if you are using drugs / convicted of a felony?
Normally I read all the comments before I write but I have to throw my hat on the pile already in the ring. LEAVE.
This is not a relationship anymore, if it ever was. You are being held in a crappy one-bedroom stockade manned by Jabba the Hutt’s less attractive pothead sexist asshole felon brother. The fact that Dad’s spouse left and your boyfreind chose to stick with dad tells you all you need to know about his priorities and values.
I can’t agree more with the “gory-opera breakdown.” This stuff needs to be screamed from the rooftops, if only to convince yourself (not boyfreind, he won’t be convinced) that this situation is as FUBAR as it is. Your dignity as a person, a woman, and a functioning non-criminal adult human being is at stake here.
I don’t know how old you are, but it doesn’t matter, really. There’s two things to keep in mind: 1)No matter what anyone tells you, this is not your last/only chance to be loved, whether you’re eighteen or forty-seven or seventy-nine. There is NO SUCH THING as a last chance for love that involves putting up with this kind of treatment.
and 2) Things are going to be better the second you leave. Not necessarily easier, but better. Hard time paying the rent? At least it’s not going towards a rathole in the same building as Father and the same bed as You Come A Distant Second boyfriend. No freinds? The ones you meet on your own without this double boat anchor wrapped around your neck have a lot better chance of being the kind of people you actually want to spend time with. No intimate relationship? The time you spend with yourself is going to be worth so much more, simply because it involves self-respect.
Oh Loss, I know this pain. Like I’m_Goodman and Morgan, I’ve been through a similar situation. In fact, I just left that situation 7 months ago (I won’t burden anyone with that story – let’s just say that he chose his family over me, repeatedly, and I ignored it for far too long). I know it’s hard, and very very scary. But you, you personally, your life, your dreams, your wants and needs, you are worth it. What you have been asking for is not unreasonable and you need to find someone who values you enough to try to make your life a happy one, not one you’re just putting up with.
A few things I have learned – Boyfriend is giving you every warning he can that this will not change. He can’t control Dad’s behavior, but he can control his reaction to it. His reaction is to accept, encourage, and support Dad’s behavior. That upsets and hurts you. You’ve made your feelings clear and it’s elicited no response. Since you can’t control Boyfriend’s behavior, what is your reaction going to be? It’s time to take care of you. Boyfriend isn’t going to do it. You have to – because you deserve to be happy.
Keep telling yourself that for as long as it takes. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be listened to and appreciated, you deserve to have the life you want and be around people you love. If that means you have to do the hard work and make it happen for yourself, then do it, because you are worth it.
Do it now, save yourself the 5 years I spent plus many other heartaches and difficulties. It does get better on the other side, even in as quick as 7 months.
Cat_slave,
It varies by state, but, yes, if you’re convicted of a felony you will, either temporarily or permanently, lose your right to vote.
Oh, honey, I’m so sorry, but seriously run fast and run far. And when your head clears, you may find that he had douchbaggery features when you were in Florida that you just didn’t realize at the time. Good luck, and get gone.
Cat_slave, yep,the length of time/crime you’re convicted of varies by state, but if you’re convicted you lose the right to vote. It’s possible to get it back through an application process, but difficult and time-consuming.
Ok, um, I won’t add to the ‘leave’ chorus (ok, I will: LEAVE), but I have a question: when you’re loaning a vehicle, does the unlicensed brother ever drive, and is the title to the vehicle in your name? Because there’s some serious liability there for you in addition to the whole encouraging the delinquency of minors with pot thing. (leave) I’m going to guess that unlicensed drivers who go for pot runs for their dad and share with underaged friends might not be the most responsible drivers out there…(leave)
In Arkansas, only a pardon from the governor restores your voting rights after you’ve been convicted of a felony.
And leave, Loss. Leave right now.
I’m sorry, Loss, but I’m joining the “leave” chorus as well.
Moving across town won’t change anything but the travel time to a from his father’s place.
This guy you love has repeatedly shown you where you fall in his priorities. He has repeatedly picked “not you” for who comes first in his life. What’s more is that he’s repeatedly shown you what kind of a man he is, and it’s not a good one.
And I know it’s easier to blame his father. He’s an easy villain in the story. He sounds pretty damn vile. But as everyone else has stressed, it isn’t what his father does that’s the problem, it’s what your man doesn’t do that is.
I really, really hope we get a note from Loss soon telling us she left this circus behind.
I have a family background that is not very pretty on one side. And one thing that astonishes me to this day is how my father and (most of) his siblings talk my grandfather like he was fantastic and get weepy over old pictures of him when he was, in fact, a monster who impregnated two of his own daughters among other grand acts. My point is that sometimes no matter how horrible a parent is, adult children will stand by them regardless. Boyfriend clearly can’t see his own father’s behavior in the context of what’s acceptable.
Cat slave, note, though, that smoking pot or possessing a small amount of it for personal use generally isn’t a felony.
One more thing, Loss–I think you’ve trying to make this work by compartmentalizing. The “real” boyfriend, you seem to be saying, is the parts that aren’t like his father, so if you could just get rid of his father and that influence, you’d have this great real boyfriend.
It is all your real boyfriend. Your boyfriend is a man who is okay with giving minors drugs, treating women like crap, and sending unlicensed teen drivers out on the road. I’m sure he has good qualities as well, but those qualities are every bit as real. He’s not a great guy with some removable flaws, he is *this* guy. Make your decisions about staying knowing that that’s the guy you’d be staying with, not some hopeful version of him.
Jane: YES. THIS. That is probably the most succinctly and accurately stated why-you-should-leave advice I have ever heard…of course it is spot-on accurate to this situation, but I will be reusing it on friends and family in the future, I am sure. I also really wish someone had said this to me ten years ago (although I did eventually leave that situation due to meeting my now-husband, I wouldn’t mind having a few years of my life back before that.)
Thank you for the information about felony and voting, I had no idea. I’m sure it would deter me, at least, not being able to vote. Does it work generally, I wonder?
@Cat_slave, our voter turnout in the U.S. is so poor anyway (to my mind) that I can’t imagine voting rights are a big consideration for most people when they are on the cusp of engaging in a felony. Sadly.
It’s me – the situation has improved a little since I wrote this; my boyfriend’s brother was at our house a few weeks ago when Dad walked in and started yelling at him for basically nothing, and it was impossible NOT to speak up. It’s been made clear that they can do what they want in their home but the BS stops in MY living room, so he’s chosen to stay out of my living room and I haven’t been to his house in weeks. (Very much enjoying the quiet.) Boyfriend’s finally admitted that his dad’s a fuckhead and is spending the majority of his time at home with me. He’s also on warning that I’ve been very, very close to getting in my car and not coming back. Things aren’t perfect, but they’re better, and I’m still thinking about my next move when our lease is up.
Loss, honey, consider me the Ghost of Christmas Future if you would. When someone consistently chooses their family, friends, religion, hobby,job, drug, whatever, over you–they are shouting from the mountaintops that you are NEVER going to be first in line. NEVER. That type of disloyalty morphs its ugly way into full-on abuse, believe me. And as much as I hate to say it this way, I’m going to do it anyway: When class hangs with trashy, the trash doesn’t get classy. You will go so far down this rabbit-hole that you may lose yourself for good. That is not something you want or need, and speaking from harsh experience, leaving at 22 would have been so much better for me than leaving at 42. I still left with nothing except heartbreak to show for it.
Resist the urge to ‘have your say’ and give the big dramatic announcement that you are leaving his sorry ass. A) You owe him *nothing*. B)I’m afraid this soap opera has already been written with you cast in the role of Mean, Awful Bitch and nothing will change their tiny minds about that. C)See A again.
Losing love, or what looks like love, is never easy. Losing yourself is a hell of a lot harder though. Hang in there, bite the bullet and choose yourself this time because you are worth it.
Oh my God, LEAVE NOW.
Leave before you get pregnant.
Loss, please: leave this relationship. You haven’t won the war; you’ve merely delayed the fighting. I don’t mean that to be harsh but your boyfriend and his father and brother are going to keep getting into these scrapes. Furthermore, they’ll keep dragging you into it. Leave and don’t look back.