The Vine: August 19, 2009
Dear all-knowing Cat Lady,
I have a problem with my kitten and it’s making me crazy. No one has been able to help me so I’m hoping someone out there could give me some advice.
I have two cats, one is 5 years old, spayed girl. About 4 months ago, I adopted a boy kitten. They get along reasonably well, only a little hissing and fighting and then curling up on the bed together (aw!). I feed them dry food, so that the kitten, who was found half-starved, can eat as he needs too, being a kitten and having a small stomach, etc.
He’s developed this habit of coming up to the food bowl and using his paw to scoop food out, in the same motion cats use to cover poo in the litter box. The food scatters around the kitchen floor, making a huge mess. Then, he eats what’s left in the bowl.
I can’t just leave the food on the floor, because I don’t want ants in the house, plus those damn kibble bits hurt when you step on them. But it’s a waste of food, and nothing I’ve tried works to stop him. I can’t afford to buy food every week, just so he can waste it. Do you, or any of the readers have any suggestions?
Tired of sweeping
Dear Sweep,
Can you find a serving tray, or a cardboard box of the type cases of bottled water come in — something with a lip?A serving tray will look nicer, but may not come up high enough around the edges to contain the little Kibblotron; whatever you use, you want to keep the kibble from rolling, and you also want to confine it to a relatively clean area so that periodically you can pour the scattered kibs back into the food bowl.
Another solution: check with your vet to see if you can switch to wet food once or twice a day, then feed a restricted amount of kibble.Less kibble put out means fewer chunks found in the far reaches of the house.
Dear Sars,
I have a bit of a problem that isn’t so much of a problem now, but I can foresee becoming a problem in the future. When my grandfather died he left me a painting. It’s pretty, but its value is mostly sentimental. For the last couple of years the painting has hung in the family room and I’ve come to really enjoy it.
My mother has always been particularly attached to this painting and had hoped he would leave it to her, but their relationship was always somewhat volatile and about a week before he died he practically wrote her out of his will. At the time, she said she was just happy that it was left to me and not his terror of a partner.
When my parents separated a year ago, my mom took the painting to her new place and I said something along the lines of “Yeah, that’s fine, it’ll be years before I have a place for it.” I always assumed that the painting was mine and one day, when I was on my own and had my own space, I would take it with me. She assumed differently. She gave me the whole “You know how much this painting means to me” thing and after saying, “Yeah, but he left it to me…” I let it drop because I really didn’t want to get into that at the time.
My relationship with my mom is mostly good, but it’s also complicated and we’re working through a lot of things. I don’t want to make this a big deal…but it’s mine. And it’s the only thing my grandfather left to me. I’m still in college, so I don’t have any practical use for the painting now, but I know I’ll want it someday.
My fear is that the longer I go without bringing the issue up, the more my mom will feel that the painting is hers when I ask for it. I know, legally, the painting is mine, but it’s not like I’m going to take my mom to court over a painting. I don’t want this to become a Thing, but the only way I can see to avoid making it an issue is to back off and let her have the painting. And as much as I want to avoid damaging my relationship with my mother over a painting, I resent that I feel like I’m the one who needs to back down.
I know this painting holds sentimental value for her, but it does to me too. My grandfather died when I was 12 and although their relationship was strained, ours was good. I’d like something other than the Mickey Mouse earrings he gave me when I was 10 to remember him by.
So, I’m sort of at a loss what to do. I know at some point I’m going to have to make a choice and decide if the painting is worth enough to go through the fight that I’m reasonably sure will happen. Should I test the waters again, now that the stress of the separation is a little less pronounced? Or should I wait until I’ve figured out which is more important, the painting or appeasing my mother? I know there is no good solution here, but is there a better one than the ones that I’m seeing?
Not a van Gogh
Dear Gogh,
Your mother’s life is in flux right now, somewhat; she’s separated, you’ve left the nest, and while her attachment to the painting is definitely related to her unsettled relationship with her father, it’s probably related to a general sense of instability, things changing, an inability to hold onto people, however you want to put it.
Not that you should let her keep the painting out of pity, but 1) you don’t need it right now anyway, as you’ve said, and 2) her feelings about her life, and her relationship with you, may evolve to a different place in a few years, when you do want to take possession of the painting, at which time she may feel less proprietary about it.
For now, then, don’t make any explicit or challenging statements correcting her that it’s actually yours.She’s well aware of that, and doesn’t like the fact.What you could do is mention to her what you told me in your penultimate paragraph.The next time the painting comes up, leaving your mother entirely out of the comment, tell her that you love the painting not for its artistic value but because it’s the one significant thing your grandfather left you.Seeing the painting makes you miss him less…I mean, you don’t have to spread a bunch of mustard on it, but something like that, something that reminds her that, you know, you had your own relationship with her father that isn’t less important than hers just because it was less fraught.
Dear Sars,
The Golden Rule hasn’t actually been working for me. If, say, a seatmate was so kind as to share an eraser when I forgot mine, I’m going to say “Borrow!” every time I reach out, because I would like to be notified and not reach out for an eraser that’s not there. Seatmate finds that incredibly annoying, seeing as she already knows we’re going to be sharing, so if I need it I should just take it. So, we treat each other’s erasers differently on that and I try not to feel the guilt of being hypocritical, because this way actually works better.
How do you know where to draw the line between “subjective, different expectations, different standards” and “objectively, utterly, and absolutely RUDE”?
Fast-forward past this preschool epiphany. My sister comes in late and plans to sleep until noon. The lobby security guard does one of those phone-buzzy things, I pick up the buzzy phone, and he tells me there’s a guy in the lobby wanting to see my sister. It’s actually a suitor of my sister, who I never heard was pressing his suit, and this suitor comes bearing presents. I prod my sister awake and tell her.
If it were me, even if it were an unexpected unwanted suitor and I’d been out all night, I would drag myself out of bed and deal with him myself. I would think she already did me a favor by waking me up to tell me, so I won’t expect her to delay whatever they were doing to be my personal courier or secretary. My sister, on the other hand, maintains that courtesy should be allotted to the one with only three hours of sleep, so I should go downstairs and tell him she’s asleep and take up the package when she asks.
Who’s right?
Signed,
BZZT!
P.S. I understand that the point of good manners is to make sure everyone is comfortable, but expecting my sister to wake up and talk and stuff makes her inconvenienced, dealing with her guest would inconvenience me, and both of us being comfortable by doing nothing would inconvenience him.
For a bromide such as, “It’s the height of bad manners to correct the bad manners of somebody else,” I’m actually iffy. I would prefer the momentary discomfort of being told that wearing a black cheongsam is worse, not better, than wearing a white cheongsam to Chinese New Year parties, to being the unknowing harbinger of doom to all the superstitious guests every time I attend.
On the other hand, I feel like I can sort of tell if someone is telling me that it’s bad manners because they sincerely want to help, or because they enjoy putting other people down, and if I get the vibe of the latter, I will be accordingly offended and honest about it too. Still, I seek consistency.
Dear Buzz,
Your sister’s suitor probably should have called before turning up; he didn’t, so since he’s there to see her, it’s her job to turn him away or receive him, whichever.He’s her guest, not yours; the shortage of sleep is likewise her choice, not yours.
You may want to dilute your attitude somewhat in these situations, though.Your presentation here is pretty stroppy; simply saying, “Hey, I feel you, because he woke me up too, but your gentleman callers are kind of your problem, dude,” will probably work better than the disproportionately offended tone you’ve taken here.
Tags: cats etiquette the fam
I always liked this twist to the Golden Rule: Treat others as *they* wish to be treated, rather than how you would want them to treat you. Granted, maybe you don’t always know what another person might want, but it seems more thoughtful.
Also, a three paragraph PS? Sweet Mary.
In her defense, it was a single graf when I received it. Easier on the eyes this way.
Carry on.
“Hey MARTY, I’m not your ANSWERING SERVICE, Jennifer Parker called THREE TIMES while you were out POUTING over the car.”
*****
Kibble: Also, I don’t know what your bowl size is, but I know that my big kitty wouldn’t eat out of his bowl until I got a bigger one. His whiskers would hit the rim of the bowl and he didn’t like that, so he’d get a mouthful of food, carry it a few inches away, spit it all over the carpet, and then munch contentedly. (Meanwhile the Little Bastard is over at the bowl imitating Bluto from Animal House.)
Was all that information about the eraser and the black cheongsam v. the white cheongsam necessary?
As to “I understand that the point of good manners is to make sure everyone is comfortable,” Miss Manners says: “If you are rude to your ex-husband’s new wife at your daughter’s wedding, you will make her feel smug. Comfortable. If you are charming and polite, you will make her feel uncomfortable. Which do you want to do?”
Oh good lord. Tell your sister that her boyfriends are her own damn problem and moooooooove on.
Sweep – one of my kitties does the same thing sometimes. It seems to be tied to the type of kibble. If it’s the brand he doesn’t like, it gets swept out onto the floor. Otherwise he’s happy to eat it out of the bowl like a normal kitty. I have the choice of buying the cheaper kibble and sweeping it up all the time, or buying the expensive stuff and watching him scarf it all down.
I’ve tried buying both and mixing them, but he picks out the bits he likes and just spreads the rest around.
Erasers and cheongsams and sisters and unexpected suitors … I feel like someone tried to make a Vine question out of a wacky fish-out-of-water romantic comedy about an art school student in New York.
For Kibble: My cat does this too, only he eats what he scoops out and leaves tiny crumbs everywhere. I put a placemat under his dish which helps, but Sars’s suggestion of a tray sounds better and I may try that. What I’m saying is, I don’t think it’s abnormal behavior. I have trained my cat, however, to eat everything I put down before I’ll put down more food. If he’s begging and there’s food there, I just point at it until he eats it. I guess I’m a hardass, but I refuse to waste food. I’m not sure if it would work with two cats, but I thought I’d put it out there.
“So, we treat each other’s erasers differently on that and I try not to feel the guilt of being hypocritical, because this way actually works better.”
Something else to have learned in grade school if possible: It’s not hypocritical to recognize that people are different, and situations are different, and that it’s reasonable to adapt one’s behavior to different situations. It’s adaptable and courteous, not hypocritical to treat people the way they prefer to be treated, so long as that doesn’t cross any ethical lines for you. Which, “Borrow!” or not doesn’t.
Sweep: Oh, I feel your problem! And I’ve stepped on it, too! You are not the first, nor the last, to find out her new child eats with his paws. My newest boy likes to splash his water all over the floor. Apparently he prefers moving water to standing water. This leaves much less water in the bowl, and probably isn’t a Treat for his brother, who may not care for foot-flavored H2O. I solved this by putting the water in a big heavy metal cooking dish (a lasagna pan, I believe): heavy enough not to kick around, shallow enough to drink/eat out of, which is what you need: deep enough to trap the food bowl, shallow enough to eat out of, heavy enough not to kick around. So: Lasagna pan or casserole dish, with the food bowl inside. Also, your boy kitten should probably still be eating Kitten Kibble, which his older sib will eat with enthusiasm and no harm. Sars is right about the wet food: it may be less likely to get pitched – and you can always try mixing the kibble with the wet, to keep it in place (just like kitty cement!).
One of my kitties is a very messy eater due to chronic gingivitis. I bought some plastic serving trays at Target with about a 2 inch lip, and that seems to keep most of the mess confined.
Unfortunately I don’t think wet food would make a big difference. Both of my cats have gotten in the same habit (the baby of the two started doing it to get away from her bossy companion while she ate, and of course my orange tyrant decided it looks like fun and does it too), and I routinely also find bits of wet food on the floor which is more unhygienic, obviously.
Really, what works for us is that I sweep the area around the bowls (or if I need the entertainment, I set the roomba on to the task) at least twice a day, so the cats have learned that the food they drop on the floor better be eaten within a couple of hours or else that food is lost…
@Gogh: Everything you’re feeling is perfectly fair, I think, but here’s the thing: Your grandfather left you something when you were a child that really was meant for you as an adult. He sort of put your mother in the position of holding it for you. Thus, your mother has had it in her house for a long time. It’s not surprising that the thought of having it vanish from her living room upsets her. I don’t think she’s trying to snatch it from you; she’s attached to it, just as you are. And you’re right and she’s wrong in the end, but…that’s not always the answer to the question.
I also would encourage you to find all the sympathy in your heart that you can for how bad your mother probably feels about having been estranged from her father when he died. If you don’t get the painting, you’ll have the knowledge that he loved you; if she doesn’t get the painting, she doesn’t even have that, you know? Your mother might feel differently by the time you’re ready to take the painting, but you also might feel differently. I don’t think waiting is going to make your mother feel any more attached to it than she already is; wait and see if push has to come to shove.
@Buzz: The request your sister made falls under the classification of “reasonable requests you’re nevertheless not a jerk for not granting.” Asking you to run downstairs, say she’s not available, and pick up the package isn’t anything friends and sisters don’t do for each other all the time. If it were me, and it were a person I had a good relationship with, I’d have done it. Not because I had to, but because it’s a not-very-burdensome favor. Of course, as Sarah says, it’s her problem, but nobody wants to greet a suitor when she’s five minutes out of bed. No, you don’t HAVE to do it, but it’s not like she suggested you climb a large mountain to retrieve a magic rock so she could have enchanted yogurt for breakfast. I think you had the right to decline, but I don’t think you have any reason to feel affronted and pissy about being asked to run interference for 30 seconds.
Gogh:
i have the same problem. i have inherited my great grandfather ´s silverware. however, my grandmother, his daughter-in-law, uses it. which, i don ´t care. we all know that according to my great grandfather ´s family tradition, those spoons go to my grandfather, thn my father, then to me, because we are the first born of each generation. this goes way way waaaay back. as in, my great grandparents ´house has an oil painting of the homo habilis founder of the family.
my grandmother has announced that she ´s giving my spoons in her will to my cousin, who is 4th in line, because he ´s a boy and i ´m a girl and she feels like it. no matter the sexist remark, this isn ´t about her, they ´re not her heirloom to dispose. they were my grandfather ´s, who died when I was 2. i don ´t care about the spoons, you see. I care abut the fact that they ´re an heirloom, left to me, and are a link to my family history. and it pissed me off that she acted like she could do what she wanted with something that had nothing to do with her because it ´s not her family, and quite honetly my great grandparents didn ´t like her.
But i decided to let it go. they ´re spoons, for chrissakes. she can melt them and make bangles with them if she want., it ´s really her problem and her issues with her inlaws, not mine.
I say unless your sister’s boyfriends are coming over and this is happening all the time, let it go, and be happy this is the biggest worry in your life.
That letter had so many hoity-toity words in it, I felt like I was studying for the SAT.
Sweep- I second the folks saying it might be the brand of food that he’s not loving.
Also, for folks looking for a good food for their cats, I love me some Taste of the Wild cat food. It’s high protein, no by products, grain free and when my cat puked all over my brand new Ikea futon’s cover, it wiped off easily with very little yuck-o smell. It’s a bit pricey, but you cna feed less because of the total lack of fillers. Also, she’s finally FINALLY losing weight for the first time in the eight years that I’ve been trying to help her lose weight. Science Diet food BE GONE!
Canidae’s cat food version Felidae is pretty good, too.
I have a cat that sometimes tries to bury her food. This mostly just means she will repeatedly wipe ineffectually at the floor, unless there’s some sort of debris nearby in which case she actually will bury it. She only does it with wet food, though.
Anyway, I’m wondering if this is a habit your kitten picked up while he was outside starving? Maybe one of the only things he was ever able to find to eat had to be dug up, or he did actually bury some of his food and now thinks he has to unbury his kibble.
Anyway, cats are weird. I also have one who I have once or twice seen paw a stray kibble-bit over to, and then very deliberately into, the water bowl. WTF?
I like the serving tray or casserole dish suggestions.
Sweep – Like the others above, I, too have a cat who prefers her crunchers wild – she routinely scoops them out of the dish to eat off the floor – regardless of the type of dish. A delightful sound at 4am… But, your little guy seems to perfer the buried ones – maybe he sees them as ‘safer’? ‘Fresher’? Do feral cats bury their food? Do you have two food dishes? Maybe the surface ones smell like ‘other cat’, and he digs down to one’s that haven’t been marked? If he had his own dish, it might not be an issue.
Crazy Cat Lady with 5 of the buggers, here.
I would go with the uncomfortable whiskers-hitting-the bowl situation. One of my cats won’t eat out of a bowl that her whiskers can touch – unless she’s stealing food from another cat and even then, she scoops it away if she can.
Sweet candy-coated Jesus, is that last letter a fake?
My great-aunt B left me a chair that my great-grandmother made as a college art project. I was in college myself at the time, and my great-aunt M said she really wanted it. I made what I thought was a good compromise, and had the chair sent to her with the understanding that it would come to me after M died. It didn’t. M’s daughter kept it. I’ve been trying to figure out how to ask for my damn chair back for some years now…
It’s probably not a whiskers-hitting-the-bowl issue, because he’s actually lowering the kibble level, which would get his face deeper in the bowl. Not that cats think that hard, but logic suggests that he’s got some other agenda.
I’d just file it under “cats are weird” and get a tray.
RE: the kitty cat. How old was he when you got him? Was he a stray for long? I suspect my Charliecat’s incredibly irritating habit of kicking kitty litter in every direction to a 3-foot radius of the box has something to do with his past life as a stray, or something… maybe your kitten was in a position where he had to dig for his food? (also if anyone knows a solution to this that’s not a covered litter box or twice-daily sweeping, please, help me!) Either that or maybe he thinks the top food is the “stale” food, and is trying to get to the good stuff, but good luck trying to analyze the inner workings of the kitty mind… You could maybe try mixing the dry food in some wet food so it’s more difficult to kick (and probably also more unpleasant between the toes) and then slowly decrease the amount and see if the behavior stops, or stop free-feeding so all the food gets eaten right away because no food available=no food on the floor!
Or, the box suggestion sounds pretty good.
Huh… whenever a friend borrows an eraser from me, I find it polite if they ask to borrow it the first time, when I say, yeah, whenever you need it, and it reall annoys me when people keep asking again and again and interrputing whatever class or exercise I ´ve got going at the moment, just take the stupid eraser already and put it back when you ´re done!
Also: lack of sleep, although her choice, is definetly good reason not to receive someone, and telling him your sister is asleep will take you like 10seconds, it probably took you way longer to write this letter and read all this advice…
And btw, the reason calling each other ´s on the bad manners is impolite is because it creates such an unconfortable environment (which is exactly what being polite is suppose to prevent) and makes you look like an arrogant douche. However, in case of family, I could call them on it, but not for asking me to tell someone else that they ´re sleeping…
I’m glad Sars understood what, exactly, was the question in the last letter, because I gave up.
Yep, Kelly. I’m calling fake too.
@ JenV: burying the food is what most wildcats do, so it’s probably instinctive for your kitty to do so. My Gracie does that, and I’ve raised her since she was a wee bit of fluff. Of course, having a bossy “older brother” only made the behavior worse (she will claw at the floor for a good 5-10 minutes unless I distract her somehow).
But you’re absolutely right in that not all cats do it. My other cat is perfectly content with walking away, but it’s possibly because he knows he can push away the other cat should he want some more later (for the record, I do take steps to make sure they’re not too territorial: I always watch them at mealtimes, and I’ve established to them that I’m “top cat”, so if I put Gracie in front of a bowl and pet her while she eats, she is usually able to eat unmolested).
I would tend to disagree with the suggestion that better food would cut down on the playtime. I feed Wellness Core and Weruva, which are pretty good quality dry and canned respectively (oh, the husband grumbles at the pet food bills), and if anything it has increased the amount of food that gets thrown down on the floor during mealtimes. I think of it as pseudo-stalking. They act the same way with toys that chirp or squeak (except for the eating part).
Bring your own damned eraser and the problem will be solved.
(Methinks BZZT just won an “asshole bingo” bet by getting her query posted.)
@Linda – well said. In total agreement with your responses to Gogh and Buzz.
I’m calling “writer is under 18 years old,” because that’s the kind of letter I would have written for publication in high school. And, er, did, once, at the age of 14 (though in my defense, that nasty local theater critic really did need someone to tell him to shut up and not pick on children’s singing voices).
So, Ren-Faire Douchebag guy doesn’t ring any bells, but this one’s a fake? Okay then.
Bzzt, that is some of the most tortured phrasing I’ve read in a long time. Go read some Hemingway.
@Gogh: I’d say let your mom have the painting. Formalize its legal status (if you have siblings) and bank on inheriting it eventually.
So if prefixed by a compliment (all-knowing) is the title Cat Lady not a negative? Because I’ve always understood it as derogatory, ie having an implied ‘Crazy’ in front of it.
Now Cat Person isn’t, because that’s descriptive of the type of person you are. But Cat Lady always meant to me someone who had lost touch with reality and lived in squalor with her 100+ cats all named Princess (insert obscure Medieval name), half of whom nest in her hair.
Or is a thing amongst Cat People (of which I’m not a part) that it’s a generally accepted gender specific version of Cat Person without the above connotation? Because I actually laughed out loud at the greeting thinking it was a ballsy dig from someone asking for advice.
The last letter sounds like it was meant for Cary Tennis at Salon: more of a writing exercise than an actual question.
Wow… Sweet candy-coated Jesus is right!!!
Should I wake up my still-drunk sister to greet her gift-bearing boyfriend or just do it myself and let her sleep?
Nuf said… I’d love to see one of BZZT’s tweets….
@brickton: I live alone with two cats, and my friends sometimes call me the “Crazy Cat Lady”. I’ve never found it insulting. I suppose the term originated from “someone who had lost touch with reality and lived in squalor with her 100+ cats all named Princess” (and the Cat Lady from The Simpsons), but I just think it’s funny. And pretty descriptive — I’ll admit that I talk to my cats, buy them gifts, and generally treat them like furry people. Cat Ladies FTW!
Buzz: holy hell. You write a huffy diatribe to The Vine over a simple favor your sis asks of you? Maybe a couple of cats would chill you out.
@Sars….I had to search on Ren-Faire – but it was *Chain-mail* guy….yeah, that was good times. I don’t think BZZT is a fake; she just spends too much time thinking about how right she is. The complicated analogies are the giveaway – I have been guilty of the same thing.
Well, Brickton, I’m certainly not going to speak for anyone else, but in my case, the usual understanding of the phrase “Cat Lady” is perfectly acceptable – and I don’t necessarily consider it derogatory, either. Crazy? Check. One hundred-plus cats over the course of a lifetime (yes, I personally found homes for over a hundred adult cats, and countless kittens – go me!); check. Cat named Princess? Check. Lost touch with reality and living in squalor? Well, I haven’t vacuumed in a couple of weeks and I still need to finish unpacking, so I can’t argue with “squalor” at the moment, and as for “reality”, well, I think it’s over-rated. So: check, check. Cats who nest in my hair? Check. Yup, “Cat Lady” here, full of Cat Advice.
Gogh: I got all distracted by the cats, imagine that. I suspect, if you are trying to keep your relationship with your Mom intact, you may have to wait until she doesn’t need the picture any more for it to come to you. In fact, you have the opportunity to be really kind to your Mom, AND to look after yourself here, with something along the lines of: “Mom, I know Grandpa left the picture to me, but I also know it means a lot to BOTH of us. Why don’t you please look after it for me while I’m still moving around, but make sure that you identify it as something Grandpa left to ME when you get around to making out your will, so there’s no confusion on anybody’s part? I know you’ll take better care of it than anybody else would!”
Regarding inheritances and mementos, etc.: these situations, honestly, are Teh Suck. I own a share in the family house; three siblings (and someone who is NOT a sibling) live in the house, and I don’t; nor do I get any kind of pro-rated rent. I also am not paying any of the taxes on it (yay New Jersey, love your real estate taxes! Not.), and I don’t have to worry about my sibs not having a place to live. I was also supposed to get the sterling silver dinner service, and I haven’t; folks are using them to eat. I don’t know what happened to most of my Mom’s jewelry, and I’m reluctant to ask. The thing is, I love my sibs and get along with them really well; it hasn’t really occurred to them that I’m “owed” any of this, because it’s their home; they’ve always lived there (or at least returned there to live); the forks, etc., are the forks they’ve always used. They’ve also been very good to me; I’ve needed various kinds of help in the past, and they’ve been there for me. So I just let it go, for now. If the house should ever be sold, I will get my share of whatever money is realized, and if the household breaks up, I’ll get my teaspoons. But my relationship with my brothers and sister is more important than any amount of money ever could be.
Today’s PSA: Please, folks, take the time to write out your wills. I’m sure the people who have Actual Money also have Actual Lawyers writing out Actual Wills, but the rest of us need to write them out, too, and there are some very simple forms available. I’m hoping that people who have children have already made provision for their guardianship, but if you have trinkets, personal belongings, etc. – things that you want to go to someone in particular – the odds of that actually happening are greatly increased if you make out a Will. YOU may know that Dad’s fishing rods are supposed to go to your brother, but if Dad didn’t write it down, Uncle Ted may very well think that they’re supposed to go to HIM – after all, they fished together as boys.
KBear, I’m sorry you have the kind of grandmother you have. It pisses me off on your behalf (plenty of anger to share!); it isn’t what your family intended; and, in fact, it’s supposed to go from you to the first-born of the next generation. She doesn’t have the right to do what she pleases with your family silverware. She’s entitled to go out and buy silverware, which she can then leave to anyone she chooses.
I will add to this: make sure you have a Living Will, or instructions along those lines, regardless of your age. Arguing over a painting is one thing; arguing over life support is another, much worse thing.
And please consider donating your organs, or giving your body to a medical school, if your beliefs permit.
/PSA (I miss Jerry Orbach)
Speaking as an attorney who practices in NYS, a will, health care proxy and even a MOLST order with your medical provider go a long way to helping out your family during what is already a difficult time. You may know your own wishes, you may think others know your wishes, but those documents make it crystal clear and can be upheld in a court of law if need be. And be forewarned: sometimes a DIY will ends up being more of a mess than dying intestate (without a will).
And I have now added what amounts to be the small print or the quick talker at the end of Sars’ PSA….
Sweeping – I’m so sympathetic – my 3 cats have definitely affected my will to live with the various messes they make. (On the other hand, one of them is a champion roach hunter/killer, so I make some allowances for them. The other two are useless in that respect – one is blind and wouldn’t care anyway, the other just stares at them as they go by.) Sars’s suggestion is a very good one.
Bzzt – My sister and I can argue about anything, including who should pick up the pen she just dropped (she dropped it, it’s hers, we’re both sitting down, but it’s closer to me, etc. – it’s actually funnier than it sounds).
But somebody rings the bell and it’s for her?
“He’s here for you – YOU deal with him.”
I have four cats (all indoors-only), and I treat them like they’re people, so I guess I am a cat lady. They don’t have people names, though. I thought crazy cat ladies had lots more cats and were single, but I’m married. Oh well.
For the kitty who plays with his kibbles, I’d try a larger, shallower food dish or a plate. He might just prefer a flat surface to eat from. Or he might just be a quirky cat. One of my cats is like that–we adopted her as an adult (a former stray), and she really does have some of the funniest quirks ever. (For example, she only yawns from a sitting-up position and she throws her front legs up in the air and stretches up as she yawns–she looks sort of human when she does that.)
And I guess I am a crazy cat lady, since I’m going on and on about my cats. Sorry. My point is that all cats can be weird for no reason, but some are weirder than others.
Anyway, I also have a dog. I keep her water and food bowls on a plastic tray that is specifically for this purpose–it has a lip around the edges, and keeps water splashes from getting on the floor. I don’t think I’ve seen these trays in the cat section of pet stores, though, so look in the dog section–try Petsmart or Target (I’m sure I bought it at one of those places; I have another one that I use for the cats’ water fountain). You could just put the food bowl on the tray, and if he kept taking kibbles out of the bowl, at least they’d be on the tray and not the floor (you could just scoop them up and put them back in the bag).
I know you mentioned that he’s a kitten (so were three of mine when I got them), so he does have different eating requirements than an adult cat. But I don’t free-feed my cats–they each have their own bowl, and they get breakfast at 9 a.m. and dinner at 6 p.m. (and I use a measuring cup to scoop their food so that I don’t give them too much). I’ve always fed them this way, and it really does let me monitor what they’re eating. (For a kitten, you could split into three mealtimes; I usually give mine treats at about 10 p.m.) At mealtimes, they all snarf it down, and then it’s over. I mention this only because it seems to me that if he doesn’t have food sitting out all the time, he’ll be less likely to play with it and more likely to gobble it down when it’s time. (One caution if you do switch to scheduled meals–don’t schedule the first one any earlier than a couple of hours after you usually get up; otherwise, the cats will associate your wake-up time with their mealtime, and they’ll decide that you should get up at 3 a.m.).
@ Sweep – One of my kitties makes a kibbly mess too, (and it’s not the one who was feral.) I’d tried putting that kibble back in the bowl, but that floor kibble was no longer good enough. Cats, huh? So I put the floor kibble out on the porch for the neighbor’s cat…once. My kitties HATE the neighbor cat with the heat of a thousand suns, so when they saw who ate that floor kibble, well, suddenly it tasted better or something, because they’ll eat it now. For creatures with a walnut-sized brain, cats sure hold a grudge!
@ Gogh – what the kind Linda & thoughtful Tabernackle said. Let your mom keep that painting, but ask that she officially leave it to you. I’d suggest you have her write a note to that effect, because grief makes people lose thier damn minds and you may need proof.
@Bzzt – if you do your sister a favor she owes you one. Did you grow up together? Because that’s how it works with sisters, mostly, that sort of give and take. You asked “How do you know where to draw the line between “subjective, different expectations, different standards” and “objectively, utterly, and absolutely RUDE”? and here’s how I would answer that specific question – if I can take something in two different ways, and one of those ways hurts my feelings, I take it the other way. I prefer to think no one intends to hurt my feelings, and this worldview helps me to be a fairly happy person. And my guess is that you overthought this letter and edited it down to mincemeat & it got overwrought…I’ve totally done that.)
Or you could just put your still-drunk sister’s hand in a pan of warm water & see if she pees her pants. Sisters do that shit too!
Hee – Chainmail Guy. No wonder we love the Vine so much. One of the most gorgeous smackdowns EVER, a think of joy and beauty. Good times indeed!
Jeepers…that was supposed to be “…thinG of joy…” And I forgot that first parenthesis in front of “And my guess…” so here ya go: (
Ren-Faire Douchebag Guy? How did I miss that Vine and where can I find it? Douchebag Vines are my favorites.
@Valerie – right on. I don’t think it’s a fake – she’s been obsessing and rehearsing this for a loooong time.
Bzzt!, I’m assuming that you are roommates with your sister rather than living at home with your sister. But it’s still a sister thing, in my view. You may have more of an issue with being the “good sister” while your sis is the “bad sister” who nevertheless wants to get away with stuff. The fact that she’s your sister makes the situation more complicated in some ways (because she’ll always be your sister) but easier than others (easier to get issues out because she’ll always be your sister). This I know from experience.
Furthermore, I second Sars on the living will and donation of organs.
Carry on! I got nothing when it comes to cats or inheritance issues….
To sweep. I don’t have any advice, but oddly enough I have a cat who was once a stray and does the very same thing only to her water dish! She first has to “scoop” out some water all over the floor before she will take the first drink. Very strange! I just assumed it was something left over from being a stray.
@Gogh:
See, this is my take on inheriting things: it will come back to you. And you will be sad to see it do so. Because eventually, your mom will die. Guess who gets to deal with all the things she’ll leave behind? You. Consider the painting hanging on her wall to be evidence that your mom is still here, intact, and appreciate that for what it’s worth. ‘Cause honestly, when the time comes and the painting ends up on your wall, there will be a sad reason why it does so.
Not to be morbid or anything. Just…been there. Don’t waste your time squabbling over stupid shit. It will come back to you, whether you want it then or not.
@Kibble:
Crazy Cat Lady here, and dam’ proud of it. One of my current tribe loves to scatter the kibble all over the floor. He will, in fact, tip the bowl right over if he can. Bonus score if he tips it while I’m still filling it up on the countertop (greater height=wider scatter pattern). He then chases down every bit of it, even pawing at the mopboards for any that have escaped. I think he started doing all this as a way to get the food away from his greedy siblings, but now continues it as a play activity. I notice he does it slightly less if I feed him in a separate room from the others, but there’s no guarantee. I just sweep as needed.