The Vine: August 19, 2009
Dear all-knowing Cat Lady,
I have a problem with my kitten and it’s making me crazy. No one has been able to help me so I’m hoping someone out there could give me some advice.
I have two cats, one is 5 years old, spayed girl. About 4 months ago, I adopted a boy kitten. They get along reasonably well, only a little hissing and fighting and then curling up on the bed together (aw!). I feed them dry food, so that the kitten, who was found half-starved, can eat as he needs too, being a kitten and having a small stomach, etc.
He’s developed this habit of coming up to the food bowl and using his paw to scoop food out, in the same motion cats use to cover poo in the litter box. The food scatters around the kitchen floor, making a huge mess. Then, he eats what’s left in the bowl.
I can’t just leave the food on the floor, because I don’t want ants in the house, plus those damn kibble bits hurt when you step on them. But it’s a waste of food, and nothing I’ve tried works to stop him. I can’t afford to buy food every week, just so he can waste it. Do you, or any of the readers have any suggestions?
Tired of sweeping
Dear Sweep,
Can you find a serving tray, or a cardboard box of the type cases of bottled water come in — something with a lip?A serving tray will look nicer, but may not come up high enough around the edges to contain the little Kibblotron; whatever you use, you want to keep the kibble from rolling, and you also want to confine it to a relatively clean area so that periodically you can pour the scattered kibs back into the food bowl.
Another solution: check with your vet to see if you can switch to wet food once or twice a day, then feed a restricted amount of kibble.Less kibble put out means fewer chunks found in the far reaches of the house.
Dear Sars,
I have a bit of a problem that isn’t so much of a problem now, but I can foresee becoming a problem in the future. When my grandfather died he left me a painting. It’s pretty, but its value is mostly sentimental. For the last couple of years the painting has hung in the family room and I’ve come to really enjoy it.
My mother has always been particularly attached to this painting and had hoped he would leave it to her, but their relationship was always somewhat volatile and about a week before he died he practically wrote her out of his will. At the time, she said she was just happy that it was left to me and not his terror of a partner.
When my parents separated a year ago, my mom took the painting to her new place and I said something along the lines of “Yeah, that’s fine, it’ll be years before I have a place for it.” I always assumed that the painting was mine and one day, when I was on my own and had my own space, I would take it with me. She assumed differently. She gave me the whole “You know how much this painting means to me” thing and after saying, “Yeah, but he left it to me…” I let it drop because I really didn’t want to get into that at the time.
My relationship with my mom is mostly good, but it’s also complicated and we’re working through a lot of things. I don’t want to make this a big deal…but it’s mine. And it’s the only thing my grandfather left to me. I’m still in college, so I don’t have any practical use for the painting now, but I know I’ll want it someday.
My fear is that the longer I go without bringing the issue up, the more my mom will feel that the painting is hers when I ask for it. I know, legally, the painting is mine, but it’s not like I’m going to take my mom to court over a painting. I don’t want this to become a Thing, but the only way I can see to avoid making it an issue is to back off and let her have the painting. And as much as I want to avoid damaging my relationship with my mother over a painting, I resent that I feel like I’m the one who needs to back down.
I know this painting holds sentimental value for her, but it does to me too. My grandfather died when I was 12 and although their relationship was strained, ours was good. I’d like something other than the Mickey Mouse earrings he gave me when I was 10 to remember him by.
So, I’m sort of at a loss what to do. I know at some point I’m going to have to make a choice and decide if the painting is worth enough to go through the fight that I’m reasonably sure will happen. Should I test the waters again, now that the stress of the separation is a little less pronounced? Or should I wait until I’ve figured out which is more important, the painting or appeasing my mother? I know there is no good solution here, but is there a better one than the ones that I’m seeing?
Not a van Gogh
Dear Gogh,
Your mother’s life is in flux right now, somewhat; she’s separated, you’ve left the nest, and while her attachment to the painting is definitely related to her unsettled relationship with her father, it’s probably related to a general sense of instability, things changing, an inability to hold onto people, however you want to put it.
Not that you should let her keep the painting out of pity, but 1) you don’t need it right now anyway, as you’ve said, and 2) her feelings about her life, and her relationship with you, may evolve to a different place in a few years, when you do want to take possession of the painting, at which time she may feel less proprietary about it.
For now, then, don’t make any explicit or challenging statements correcting her that it’s actually yours.She’s well aware of that, and doesn’t like the fact.What you could do is mention to her what you told me in your penultimate paragraph.The next time the painting comes up, leaving your mother entirely out of the comment, tell her that you love the painting not for its artistic value but because it’s the one significant thing your grandfather left you.Seeing the painting makes you miss him less…I mean, you don’t have to spread a bunch of mustard on it, but something like that, something that reminds her that, you know, you had your own relationship with her father that isn’t less important than hers just because it was less fraught.
Dear Sars,
The Golden Rule hasn’t actually been working for me. If, say, a seatmate was so kind as to share an eraser when I forgot mine, I’m going to say “Borrow!” every time I reach out, because I would like to be notified and not reach out for an eraser that’s not there. Seatmate finds that incredibly annoying, seeing as she already knows we’re going to be sharing, so if I need it I should just take it. So, we treat each other’s erasers differently on that and I try not to feel the guilt of being hypocritical, because this way actually works better.
How do you know where to draw the line between “subjective, different expectations, different standards” and “objectively, utterly, and absolutely RUDE”?
Fast-forward past this preschool epiphany. My sister comes in late and plans to sleep until noon. The lobby security guard does one of those phone-buzzy things, I pick up the buzzy phone, and he tells me there’s a guy in the lobby wanting to see my sister. It’s actually a suitor of my sister, who I never heard was pressing his suit, and this suitor comes bearing presents. I prod my sister awake and tell her.
If it were me, even if it were an unexpected unwanted suitor and I’d been out all night, I would drag myself out of bed and deal with him myself. I would think she already did me a favor by waking me up to tell me, so I won’t expect her to delay whatever they were doing to be my personal courier or secretary. My sister, on the other hand, maintains that courtesy should be allotted to the one with only three hours of sleep, so I should go downstairs and tell him she’s asleep and take up the package when she asks.
Who’s right?
Signed,
BZZT!
P.S. I understand that the point of good manners is to make sure everyone is comfortable, but expecting my sister to wake up and talk and stuff makes her inconvenienced, dealing with her guest would inconvenience me, and both of us being comfortable by doing nothing would inconvenience him.
For a bromide such as, “It’s the height of bad manners to correct the bad manners of somebody else,” I’m actually iffy. I would prefer the momentary discomfort of being told that wearing a black cheongsam is worse, not better, than wearing a white cheongsam to Chinese New Year parties, to being the unknowing harbinger of doom to all the superstitious guests every time I attend.
On the other hand, I feel like I can sort of tell if someone is telling me that it’s bad manners because they sincerely want to help, or because they enjoy putting other people down, and if I get the vibe of the latter, I will be accordingly offended and honest about it too. Still, I seek consistency.
Dear Buzz,
Your sister’s suitor probably should have called before turning up; he didn’t, so since he’s there to see her, it’s her job to turn him away or receive him, whichever.He’s her guest, not yours; the shortage of sleep is likewise her choice, not yours.
You may want to dilute your attitude somewhat in these situations, though.Your presentation here is pretty stroppy; simply saying, “Hey, I feel you, because he woke me up too, but your gentleman callers are kind of your problem, dude,” will probably work better than the disproportionately offended tone you’ve taken here.
Tags: cats etiquette the fam
I will add to the PSA: wills, living wills, health care power of attorney are important for anybody, but they are ESPECIALLY important if you are gay or lesbian and want your partner in charge of your estate, making your decisions, even in some cases BEING ALLOWED IN YOUR FUCKING HOSPITAL ROOM.
http://www.pinknews.co.uk/aroundtheworld/2009/02/gay-rights-lesbian-sues-hospital-over-denied-access-to-dying-partner/
The paperwork is a pain, it costs a pretty penny ($550 when my partner and I did it) but the peace of mind that my Dear Husband’s homophobic, racist, deadbeat, money grubbing, piece of shit dicksmack brother can’t come crawling out from under the nearest rock and cause trouble if something should happen is worth every penny.
If you are in a committed homosexual relationship, get thee to a lawyer specializing in gay issues.
@meltina – no way, my kitty who is the food-burier is also named Gracie! How funny. I’ve also had her and her brother since she was a tiny bit of fluff. They came from a litter feral kittens which partly explains the food burying. Her brother doesn’t do it, but I believe Gracie was the smallest of the litter and it makes sense if you consider that the smallest cat would be last in the pecking order and thus would be in charge of burying the remains of the food.
I donate my organs every Saturday night, but she always gives them back. (zing!)
oh, holy *headdesk* on the last one.
For Gogh, I think waiting until your mom’s life is more settled is a good idea, but once you’ve decided you’re ready for the painting, maybe you can offer her a trade, i.e., find an equally inexpensive piece of artwork to give her that she can put in that space? Obviously, you shouldn’t have to bribe your mom for what’s rightfully yours, but maybe approaching it along the lines of “I’m ready to take that painting now, but look, I’ve gotten you something to put up instead that will help you think of me!” could smooth the waters a bit, and help with the sentimental attachment issues.
Whatever you decide, I feel you – my mom still has some resentments regarding her sisters and the dividing of some family heirlooms, to the point where she’s all but labeled everything in her house so we kids don’t fight over stuff after she’s gone. It’s a little disturbing when your mom asks you to go through her things and tell her if there’s anything you want when she’s dead, but I know she’s just trying to make things easier down the line.
Now Sars, the death panels will take care of all that for us! Kidding, kidding, I’m an organ donor and my FIL will be helping us prepare our finances and find a lawyer to draft our wills (it’s a late wedding present. And it was our idea, I did not marry into the Adams Family.)
As for Bzzt, I have to say, it sounds like a native Norwegian speaker who read Pride and Predjudice fifty times. Just say she’s asleep and she’ll call you later, m’kay?
Most state attorney general websites have forms for advance health care directives and instructions for filling them out. It’s worth doing. The name of the document ranges by state – common names can be variations on living will, limited power of attorney, advance directive, etc. Typically, you just need two witnesses, neither of whom may be the person you are designating as your proxy.
Same goes for statutory wills – check your state attorney general’s website. There are specific requirements in each state for what constitutes a valid will, and many states allow a form to be used for the most straightforward disposition of your property. A word of caution – if you are getting into a nitty gritty dispersal of your possessions (the hula lamp to Aunt Edna, the urinal scupture to my sister, the leather pants to dad), most state forms won’t cut it. It’s not the worst idea in the world to consult an attorney. If you don’t know an estate planning attorney, get a referral from your state bar association. Call around until you find someone who does simple wills for a flat fee. This isn’t just the province of rich people – you should be able to find someone who will do it for a few hundred dollars.
But no matter how it happens, make a will. If you have minor children and no will in place that designates a legal guardian for them, get that shit done before the month is out.
Re: Cat. Our little cat doesn’t spread food around, but she does scratch *around* her food dish (in a similar way to her litter box scratching) before and after she eats. We often hear the little scritching noise and she’s scratching either the wall or the plastic container that houses said food right next to her dish. My guess is because the food dish is too small for her to scratch the food out.
All that is to say, I think the behaviour is probably normal and you’ll just have to trial and error to see which method contains the most kibble.
Ren Faire Douchebag Guy? How did I miss this in umpteen years of faithful Vine reading? Any why can’t I find it in the archives? Cuz man….I know alot of douchy ren fair guys…and could use the laugh.
https://tomatonation.com/?p=910
“it sounds like a native Norwegian speaker who read Pride and Predjudice fifty times”
Funny because it’s true. Thanks, Jen S; that made my day.
(And it breaks my heart on every re-read to discover that even Mr. Bennet is ridiculous. Sigh. How did Lizzie ever even happen, you know?)
Ah, Ren Faire Douchebag Guy. I still think that guy was just buying chain mail letters off of eBay, rather than actual armour.
‘Cause chain mail armour you can kinda-sorta justify (if you’ve got the money), but chain mail *letters*….well.
Or it could be that I like the idea of the guy being a moron, on top of being a douchebag.
Ang! You know my cats!
Yes. I am trained to get up at 3:00 a.m. to feed my rotten four-legged children. Yes, I’m reinforcing unwanted behavior. Yes, I could just endure, to try to break them of it, but you know what? Those few precious minutes between 3:00 a.m. and 5:00 a.m. really make a difference by the end of the day, so: I feed the g.d. cats at 3:00 a.m., or they: knock everything off the table; leap from great heights across me/ONTO me; skate, claws out, DOWN MY CHEST. Food it is!
Hee – Chainmail Guy. No wonder we love the Vine so much. One of the most gorgeous smackdowns EVER, a think of joy and beauty. Good times indeed!
Margaret in CO: no, no, you were right, it totally was a think of joy and beauty – in fact, I think that’s a phrase worth stealing!
Cat: If you have the patience and the time, load up the food bowl with only ten pieces at a time, wait until they’re gone, add more, repeat until cat has been fed. It’ll be more difficult with two cats sharing, but it will likely drive home the point that the food is too precious to waste. I did this with the dog who would take half a bowl of food and hide it in various shoes, plants, under couches, etc. until she finally got down to the business of eating. Now she only hides one or two pieces a week.
Gogh: Right now the painting has pleasant emotional meaning to you, if you fight your mom on it and win, the previous sentiment will be replaced by having a reminder of fracturing your relationship with your mom. It’s not worth it. If you someday get a place of your own that needs that painting, see if you can compromise. Ask if you can have the frame while she keeps the painting itself. It may sound unfair to ask for something that’s legally yours, but ownership (legality aside) is often how long something has been a part of your life. It’ll probably feel to her as though you’re stealing something of hers. Can you maybe hire an art student to paint a copy for you? I know it won’t be your grandfather’s and so won’t have the sentiment, but if it’s a good enough fake, you might be able to switch it out for the real thing.
Wait…what? @Cath, are you suggesting that Gogh have the painting copied and swap the real painting with a copy in hopes that her mom won’t notice? Seriously? Setting aside the (non-trivial) issue that actively, overtly, and elaborately deceiving people also tends to fracture relationships, wouldn’t it be a little telling when mom comes to visit and sees the painting on the wall? Criminy. I’m all for looking for creative solutions to problems, but when thinking outside the box leads to hugely complicated and bizarre ways to avoid being direct and asking for what you want, then it might be time to get back in the box and try again.
@La Bella Donna – I am SO happy to hear about your water moving cat. One of my 3 cats (guess I’m a cat lady too!) does this and it’s the most absurd thing. I thought it was due to her wanting very fresh, as in moving water. BUT, she also frequently drinks from our pond, which has a waterfall, and she does the same damn thing. She’s not a stray, we’ve had her since she was about 5 weeks old, and she went straight from my sister’s house to ours along with her brother. We’ve never been able to figure it out, we just stopped topping off the water bowl!
@MomtheCoach: Heh, the Water Babies! I just filed it under Item #993, Goofy Things Cats Do. I’m saving up my pennies, though, because I saw an Eternal Water Fountain, meant specifically for cats (it showed a cat using it, so it was probably photoshopped): it has a filter and everything, and it’s not too expensive. Removing some of the filth and Foreign Foot-Transferred Objects from the water may take some of the fun out of it for him, but I figure sticking his paw in the running water so that it splashes all over the floor should more than make up for it.
My roomie bought those self feeders/waterers for our kitten (you know, with the watercooler-like jugs on them).
The kitty (now a 4.5 month old Bengal) digs her kibble out of her dish and paws her water.
She does it because she thinks it’s great fun to watch the food level go down and gurgling bubbles go up in their respective bottles.
Wacky cat!