Baseball

“I wrote 63 songs this year. They’re all about Jeter.” Just kidding. The game we love, the players we hate, and more.

Culture and Criticism

From Norman Mailer to Wendy Pepper — everything on film, TV, books, music, and snacks (shut up, raisins), plus the Girls’ Bike Club.

Donors Choose and Contests

Helping public schools, winning prizes, sending a crazy lady in a tomato costume out in public.

Stories, True and Otherwise

Monologues, travelogues, fiction, and fart humor. And hens. Don’t forget the hens.

The Vine

The Tomato Nation advice column addresses your questions on etiquette, grammar, romance, and pet misbehavior. Ask The Readers about books or fashion today!

Home » The Vine

The Vine: August 21, 2009

Submitted by on August 21, 2009 – 8:44 AM62 Comments

Hi Sars,

Here’s an unusual Mystery Book for you, or your legions of readers, to puzzle over:

I was an insatiable reader in middle and high school; the downside to this is that ten years later, almost everything has blurred together. At some point I devoured a particular historical fiction novel of which I remember exactly one thing, but that one thing is a doozy.

Towards the end of the book, the main character is having difficulty conceiving, so she visits a witch in the woods (I think) to get advice. After possibly drugging/seducing the main character, the witch tells her she will not be able to conceive until her husband “possesses her in every way possible.” So the main character goes home and, as we gather from somewhat euphemistic references, has anal sex with her husband, and promptly conceives their heir. I promise I am not making this up.

You may see why this plot point remained vividly in my fourteen-year-old mind, while the rest of the book has faded into the mists of time. You may also see why a quick Google search is not so helpful and definitely not safe for work.

This was an actual historical novel, nothing marketed as erotica or I wouldn’t have been allowed to read it. I think it may have been set in the age of the Crusades, or possibly the medieval time period, and I do remember distinctly that the author is a woman. I doubt very much it was published after 1998, as I remember it being a pretty battered hardback copy even back then. I had hopes for a while that it was part of The Shield of Three Lions or Banners of Gold, by Pamela Kaufman, but a recent re-read proved me wrong.

Any ideas? I would be eternally grateful to put this ghost of a plot to rest.

Thank you so much for your time,

Even At 14, I Knew Babies Didn’t Come From Buttsex

*****

Help me, oh Nation of readers!An image from this book, read over a decade ago, popped into my head recently, and I’ll have no peace until I track it down.

Definitely: A girl in a nightgown.Goblins.Most of the action takes place in stone tunnels/caverns underground.

Possibly: One good/rebel goblin helping the girl to spite the corrupt goblin monarch.A pale yellow cover with a painting of the girl in her nightdress and the good goblin navigating a stone tunnel.Girl originally lived on a farm (or some sort of big house in the country).A stolen younger sibling?Intermediate reading level and length (somewhere between Boxcar Children and Tolkien).

Girl NOT a princess

*****

Sars,

I have a friend who is trying to remember a book from his childhood.If it helps, he’s in his early 30s.It was a science-fiction book in which kids were alone on a spaceship.The detail he remembers is that the food replicator was either broken or difficult to work and as a result, the only thing the kids could get it to make was potato salad.

I’m hoping you or the readers have an idea.Thank you!

Becka

Share!
Pin Share


Tags:    

62 Comments »

  • Rebecca says:

    The Secret World of Og! I still remember the song from the show. It haunts me. “Og, og, og og og, og og, og og….” Awesome.

  • Rachel says:

    Wow… if this were a book club where we were all sitting around together in a room somewhere, an observer would have a field day with this discussion. “Well, this book, goblins, anal sex, obstetric fistulae…”

    Thumbs way up!

    As a side note, these ‘erotic retellings’ of popular myths/legends (like the Anne Rice retelling of Sleeping Beauty) are… interesting. Not strictly necessary, I don’t think, but interesting.

  • Kate says:

    I have to second (or third, or fourth) the people who think #2 is Sendak’s “Outside Over There”. If I’m remembering correctly, that book was the basis for Labyrinth, too.

  • angharad says:

    NOT a princess: Are you thinking of Goblins in the Castle? Although the main character is a boy, there is a female character that had grown up seemingly in the woods, although she may have technically been a princess. There was a “rogue” goblin, and a seemingly-corrupt monarch.

    http://tinyurl.com/kms733

  • Amber says:

    And now, I wanna reread the Princess and the Goblin. :D

    As for the earlier comment, it was something I read a very long time ago when looking up physical deformities. (this was after watching a documentary about freak shows. I was an incredibly morbidly curious preteen.) It wasn’t obstetric fistulae, though.

    It was an actual genetic defect that resulted in the vaginal tube and the colon being fused at the end, so there was only one opening. If I remember correctly, the last recorded case of it was before the early 1900s, but I’ve been having trouble finding it again. The reason it stuck out to me was because…. yeah, I had the exact same reaction pretty much everyone else did when I first read it. GAH.

    If I can find the page that has it again, or at least find the term for it, I’ll post it here. But gah, obstetric fistulae…. **CRINGE**

  • RJ says:

    Good lord – to think that my 9th grade social studies teacher was worried about me for reading “Flowers for Algernon” and the “Bell Jar”!!!!

  • noelie says:

    For #1, I can’t be sure this will help you, but there is a long series of books by Philippa Carr (who is also Victoria Holt and Eleanor Hibbert), which chronicle different related families during various political times, with a fair amount of piracy, bodice-ripping and creative euphemism. At some point in every single one of them, at least one main character visits the herbalist in the woods for some kind of potion. The titles I can think of are Miracle at St. Bruno’s and The Witch fom the Sea, but there are a LOT of them, so it might be worth your time to look.

  • Momthecoach says:

    I just had to find out want Amber was talking about. The short answer courtesy of Wikipedia is…

    Vaginal Atresia (deformed or non functioning) or Agenesis (absent): estimated to occur in 1 in 4000–5000 live female births and frequently associated with Rokitansky-Mayer-Küster-Hauser syndrome

    LOTS of case studies, some with visuals, if you google it.

  • Sarah D. Bunting says:

    Evidently the Black Dahlia had vaginal atresia. (In case you thought I had nothing to contribute to this discussion. Heh.)

  • Amber says:

    Momthecoach, that’s definitely a related sort of disease, though not quite what I remember reading about. From what I can tell, Vaginal Atresia seems to require that the woman be unable to become pregnant, due to either a deformed or nonfunctioning vagina/uterus.

    The case studies I’m thinking of, though, are patients that became pregnant through anal intercourse because that was where their vaginal opening was located; it was actually fused with/was the rectal opening, meaning that while there was a wall between the two, the vaginal opening didn’t lead to the outside of the body on its own. But that defect is definitely close to what I was thinking!

    And wow, the Black Dahlia suffered from it? o.O Yet more random information I can now store in the cluttered files of my head! :D

  • I Never Thought I'd Fill in the 'Name' Field with 'Buttsex" says:

    You guys have been fantastic! I really appreciate everyone trying to give me a hand with identifying the book described in #1.

    “Elaine the Fair” sounds more than a little familiar – I’ve ordered a copy off of Paperback Swap to see if that’s what I’m remembering. I’ll let you know!

    Again, thanks to all of you for your input, and to Sarah for posting my question in the first place!

  • The Vine: August 21, 2009 « Tomato Nation great article thank you.

Leave a comment!

Please familiarize yourself with the Tomato Nation commenting policy before posting.
It is in the FAQ. Thanks, friend.

You can use these tags:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>