The Vine: August 27, 2008
Dear Sars,
How do you help motivate someone you love when they seem to have lost their way?
My husband has been studying for an horrendous exam for the last three years and has already sat it twice.He needs to pass the exam in three months in order to continue on his anaesthetics training program, but he has lost all his motivation to study.He is an intelligent man and a capable, caring doctor but he seems to be getting a mental block about this exam and I’m worried he doesn’t actually believe he can pass it.It was the first exam he ever failed.We were both just devastated when he didn’t pass on his second attempt, and a third attempt feels almost insurmountable.
He tells me he’s finding it difficult to sit down and do some productive study because he’s already been over all the material so many times, and it wasn’t even that interesting in the first place!I know he resents all the time he has to spend away from me and our two small children.Last weekend he took some time away from studying but then felt at a loss because he thinks we’ve forgotten how to be a normal family spending time together on the weekend.
I am trying to support him as best I can (I take care of all household/children duties, encourage him to go for walks, ask him revision questions most nights et cetera) and I know how hard it is for him to work a full week (with overtime) and then find time to study on top of that.How do I motivate him?
He does want to be an anaesthetist and he will be a very good one — he gets great feedback from his colleagues and supervisors — it’s just this fucking exam that is hanging over his head.Time is running out, and he has arranged to take all his holidays (and some leave without pay) for six weeks before the exam to do some intensive study, so I can’t even suggest he take a week off now and we go to the beach so he can clear his head and catch up on his sleep deficit!
I love him so very much — he’s a wonderful husband and father — and it’s breaking my heart to see him drifting a little and losing confidence in himself.Do you have any suggestions of how I can light a fire under him to get him through to the end?
Thanks for reading,
Anaesthetics primary exams put everyone to sleep!
Dear Having A Gas,
The first thing is to make sure he’s receptive to suggestions from you; some people really need to find their own ways on stuff like this, and any help, no matter how effective or well-meaning, will feel like nagging to those people.But it sounds to me like he’s happy to hear any suggestions you have to get through this as a family (and that he gets that the situation affects you and the kids, too), which is the most important thing, so sit down with pen and paper, and draw up a battle plan together.
First, identify the goals.”Duh — he wants to pass this exam so he can become an anesthetist and have his home life back.”Fine, great.Seems obvious; is obvious.Write it down.Next, write down what’s standing between him and these goals — again, obvious counts; you don’t have to get Freudian with the issues.The list is going to look something like “1) material is too familiar and boring, 2) have already taken exam twice and feel huge pressure to pass it already, 3) hard to focus on studying because of guilt/resentment at it cutting into family time; hard to focus on family time because of guilt/resentment at it cutting into studying.”
Then you make yet another list under each problem, brainstorming ways to solve or alleviate it.Let’s take the second one first — he feels pressure to pass this time, he feels embarrassed that he hasn’t passed it before.Turn that into a kind of Rocky underdog narrative, even if it feels stupid.Narrate it, like the “in a world where” guy in the movie trailers; pick a theme song.Get a big calendar and cross days off, or put stickers, something you can involve the wee ones in.I helped Skyrockets move earlier this summer, out of an apartment he’d lived in for ten years, and I am telling you, if it weren’t for the Flash Gordon theme song, I would have killed myself.
But more importantly, acknowledge the facts — he’s taken it twice, and he does kind of need to stick it this time so he can move on.Discuss what happens if he doesn’t pass, and whether he should move on from it for a while and focus on something else.Figure out, if you can, which portions he biffed so he can give those sections more attention.
Nos. 1 and 3 on the list relate to one another somewhat.He needs to repackage his study materials in a different way, accepting that this will probably not make them any more interesting, but may give him different mnemonics for remembering them.The act of reorganizing the materials may help him — structuring my class notes into “modules” before finals was half the battle for me, usually — and if you can keep an eye on #3 while doing that, so much the better.Divide everything into roughly equal-sized sections — it all fits on one big notecard, say, or it takes him an hour to review and test himself.Then write up a schedule for each day between now and the exam, like “Wednesday: review Chunks 3-5, 2 hours.Wife quiz on chunks, 0.5 hours.Review previous day’s chunks, 0.5 hours.1-hour break; bathe baby, dishes.Review Chunks 6-8” et cetera et cetera.
His brain may not work like mine does, but this really helps me get through a long to-do list of writing tasks efficiently — or housework, for that matter, anything that is daunting and unappealing and necessary.Give it an hour, set the egg timer, and do nothing but that for the hour, and when the hour is up, it’s on to something else.
Basically, he’s got to accept that he’s sick of studying, resents its intrusion, and then feels guilty for not wanting to apply himself, because…of course he feels that way, and then he’s got to identify the solution, draw up a schedule that includes rewards and downtime, and just grind the motherfucker.I could not have hated studying for math finals more, or thought it served less purpose, but I knew what I had to do, in what order and in what timeframe, and the whole household was on board with the project.I went in my room with a sleeve of wheat crackers and my lucky classical-music tape, came out once an hour to run around in the yard and grab a Diet Coke, and when I came down for dinner, it was like the corner of the ring between rounds.”Wait for the equation to drop its hands and then HIT IT IN THE IMAGINARY NUMBER.”It took a village to get me my B-plus, but it worked.
The exam is Drago and your husband is Balboa.That exam killed Apollo; the old methods of studying will not defeat it.Identify the problem, acknowledge that it’s big, change up your methods of trying to solve it, and schedule everything so he can cross it off and feel accomplishment as the exam gets closer.
And afterwards, no matter what happens, the two of you should take a weekend away by yourselves and recharge.
Good luck!Tell us what happens.We’re rooting for him.
Dear Sars,
I have known my best friend, Ann, for most of our lives. We met at the age of two, played dress-up and Barbies, fought over stupid stuff when we were tweens, and made it through high school without too many bumps. She’s always been the person I could call for anything, and vice versa, and we’ve always known everything that’s going on in each other’s lives.
We don’t mince words with each other, either. We love each other enough that one of us is bound to say, “I’m sure that guy is a great kisser, but…he treats you like shit, frankly,” or, “Dude, can I just say…no? Because no. Because you can do better than that,” or, “Hon, you’re being kind of a bitch, here. I will totally back up your bitchiness if that’s how you want to handle this situation, but surely there’s some other way to deal with this,” and, of course, “As a matter of fact, those pants do make you look fat. They’re cut weird. Try something with less of all that…whatever…that’s going on in the front.”
We both want what’s best for the other, so usually we just come out and say what’s on our mind, but now we’re in a situation where I don’t know WHAT to say.
After high school, I went to the community college for a year and Ann, who has never felt like college was the thing for her, ran around the country helping out her parents with their self-started business. Okay, that’s fine, whatever. I encouraged her to take classes and get a general degree at least, because you really can’t be competitive in any job market without one, but when she made it clear that it wasn’t going to happen, I let it go. Cue up to now, when I’m preparing to go to a four-year university, looking for apartments and jobs and stuff in that town, while Ann is making wedding plans.
WEDDING plans. She’s eighteen, and nine months younger than me, and getting married! She’s been dating this guy for two months, and they’re getting married in two more. Her parents are okey-dokey with it because they got married after a two-week courtship, and “don’t believe in long engagements,” but the last of their daughters to do that ended up with an abusive husband, three kids, and a messy divorce.
I really think this is a bad idea, and it’s not going to work out, but I’m trying to look on the bright side. Her fiancé is wonderful from what I’ve seen and heard of him. He seems to have a good head on his shoulders, he clearly loves her to death, he has a great-paying job, he’s funny and charming, and he gets the weird way Ann and I are with each other.
When I first found out about the wedding, the next time Ann and I saw each other it was with her fiancé. We talked about their plans quite amicably for a while, and when he went to the bathroom I said, “Babe, this is me being supportive. I don’t think this is a good idea, I don’t think you’ve known each other long enough, and I don’t know if it’ll work out, but I think you have enough people telling you that. I’m just going to be happy for you, okay? And if you want me to talk you out of it, let me know.” She said, “Thanks, I’ll keep it in mind,” and we went along our merry way.
I REALLY don’t think this is a good idea. And I realize that half the reason I don’t want her to get married so young is because I’m going to college, moving away from my family, and learning to be independent, and I want that for her, too. My boyfriend and I have made the unspoken agreement not to even discuss marriage until we’re finished with college. But I also realize that what I want out of life isn’t necessarily what she wants, and I should respect that as her best friend. I’m trying to be happy for her, because I don’t object to her fiancé as much as I object to the rapidity of the union.
So, here is my question. Since I succinctly voiced my misgivings, and she politely but firmly ignored them, is this the point where I let the issue lie? Because this isn’t like anything we’ve ever been through together before. It’s not like when we were eight and she was hogging the best Barbie clothes and we calmly discussed it and came to an agreement about who got the pink miniskirt when the other one had the blue dress. This is adult stuff, and we’re both barely adults, and I need some guidance.
Should I boycott the wedding? Refuse to be in the wedding party? Noisily and angrily protest until she comes to her senses? Or should I buy the bridesmaid’s dress, buy a gift, help plan the shower, and be happy for her, all the while quietly opening up my schedule to be her crying shoulder a year from now when things don’t work out?
Sincerely,
I Want To Be Nine Again, It Was Easier
Dear Nine,
I think you’ve done everything you can do, or should do.The issue here is that the problem of her age, and the rapidity of the courtship, is the problem.Her fiancé doesn’t treat her badly, he’s not cheating on her, he’s not shiftless or a horse’s ass.My personal feeling is that, a lot of times, you won’t see that stuff until a few months in, so three months is really the minimum time you want to elapse before you make any big decisions about moving in together or getting married.
But that’s me, and you know, this could work out.If they’re getting married because she’s pregnant, that’s a different conversation, but if it’s just going quickly, well, it’s not a guaranteed kiss of death.You’ve said your piece, and she’s heard you, so it’s time to get behind the shit and push.Support her and celebrate with her; keep your eyes open, sure, but unless you see evidence that he’s a shitheel, or she gets really defensive with you (which it doesn’t sound like she has), proceed as though the crying shoulder won’t be called into action.You could find ways to suggest that she slow down the planning phase a bit, and take her time with the prep if she’s that confident in the relationship, but don’t press the point; this is her life, and if it’s a bad call, she has to live and learn with it, not you.
Sars, I…okay.I know the answer to this one.I just need someone else to say it out loud for me.
I have been friends-with-benefits with my ex for over ten years now (counting the time we were “officially” together).This, right or wrong, has included the entire time that he’s been married (yeah, I know.Save the judging).However, when I found out his wife was pregnant, I drew the line and cut off all but platonic relations with him.
The thing is, he knows me pretty well, and didn’t tell me about her pregnancy until I was to have dinner with the two of them — at about six and a half months.He also failed to tell me she’d given birth until about two months post-delivery, despite the fact that his wife handed him a list of people to contact which included my name.
So far, so what, right?I’m the dirty mistress, I don’t have any right to be involved in the birth of their child!The thing is, I am a friend of the family — I was part of the bump in/out crew for their wedding, I housesit for them and babysit their animals when they’re away.I helped unwrap presents, write thank-you notes, and alphabetise the bookshelves when they moved house.I feel like I’ve been a pretty good friend to them as a couple, and to him in particular (aside from the obvious betrayal issues, which are…not really the issue here).
I feel like he knew where I would draw a line on what was going on between us, and actively put off the time he would have to hear “no, I won’t be a part of that.”That’s fine — I made my bed, and nobody sleeps with someone else’s husband thinking he’s an honest and true guy, and that everything will end well.I cut him off — no calls, no messages, no emails.It wasn’t that there could be nothing sexual between us any more so much as the fact that, as a friend, I thought I deserved better than to be left out of the loop.The reason it’s all come to a head right now is that it’s his child’s first birthday in a month, and he’s invited me to the party.
I’m sort of stunned.I wasn’t good enough to be told about the birth, but now there’s the possibility of presents, I’m back in the gang? So I guess my question is, can I say “Oh, you’re fucking kidding yourself, Brad, I won’t be there, tell Janet I said hi”?I backed off on our whole thing for a reason — I won’t sleep with someone else’s dad — and I don’t want to get dragged back into proximity because I’m too nice to refuse the invitation.Plus, it’s better for the family if I stay the hell out of it, isn’t it?
I’m just really not sure how to refuse this without it (a) looking like I’m sulking because I don’t sleep with him anymore or (b) looking like an uncivilised bitch.Either way, I can’t go.I’ve been in this situation for years, and finally found a line I wouldn’t cross, and managed to cut him off, which…not easy.I don’t want to go back.So, I need to say no.How?
Looking For A Graceful Way Out Of A Mess Of Her Own Making
Dear Mess,
“I’m sorry, I can’t make it.”No elaboration.
Who cares what it “looks like”?Because I can tell you what it “looked like” when you involved yourself in their home life to an overly familial degree, and inserted yourself into the wedding planning and wrap-up — it looked pitiful.And I’m not actually judging you when I say that, although I could do without the snotty preemptive instruction not to.
I’m pointing out to you that you still hold out hope, and that it’s years past time for you to stop doing that.You will deny doing that, I suspect; you will insist that it’s about being polite, about him letting you move on, and so on.”It’s better for the family.”Well, I don’t think you really give shit one about the family; it’s just something you say to justify how angry and ripped-off you feel, and I don’t blame you one bit for those emotions, because you slept with the guy for a decade, but he married, and stayed married to, someone else, and you aren’t getting that time back.
But: you slept with the guy for a decade, and he married, and stayed married to, someone else.The thank-you notes, the house-sitting…that wasn’t about staying friends.That was about staying available so that he could “come to his senses” and leave his wife for you.That was never going to happen, you wouldn’t have wanted that guy anyway in my view, and you probably know this intellectually, but the larger point is that, emotionally, on some level, you’re still hoping for that outcome.If you’d really moved on, you’d ignore the invitation, or just kibosh it concisely and get on with your day.
But you’re still worried that they’ll think you’re an “uncivilized bitch.”You aren’t, necessarily, but you’re over-involved.You’re obsessing about the etiquette of when he should have told you his wife was pregnant as though the important bit of information there isn’t that he…has a wife.You still think he owes you something, or that you can get some satisfaction from him; whether you know it or not, you believe that the long-term end to the situation will have the guy in your life still.
It won’t; it can’t.You just can’t see these people anymore on purpose, ever again.Act like you don’t care what anyone thinks until the day it’s actually true; if he thinks you’re sulking, well, you are, kind of, and it cannot be your problem what he thinks anymore.The issue is not how to refuse it; it’s refusing it, every time it’s offered, forever.
Tags: Barbie boys (and girls) etiquette friendships Ivan Drago Rocky Balboa the fam workplace
Wordy McWord, Sars, to everything. I think this is some of the best advice I’ve seen in five years of Vine-reading. I don’t have anything substantive to add; just had to get that out there.
Having a Gas: you sound like an awesome wife and I’m sure that your husband really appreciates it! I’ve been in his position fairly recently – finishing a Masters while working full-time, and it’s such hard work and you HATE it by the end. My husband was just like you – incredible, supportive, endlessly cheering. I definitely had my ‘I really can’t do this and I just don’t care anymore’ moments (ten times a day for about three years), but he would just keep patiently telling me that I could do it, that I knew all the stuff, and that the hard work would be worth it. Just keep with the nice, supportive messages. You may feel like you’re banging your head against a wall but trust me, he’s hearing and appreciating them. And if he does fail – well, it happens. The two of you will deal.
Nine: I hear you. My best friend has been married less than a year and is considering taking her husband back after he cheated on her (six months after they got married). He is no good, to put it mildly, and I’ve done the same kind of ‘I love you and don’t want you getting hurt’ take on it with her. But part of being a friend is being there regardless, even if your friend makes a terrible mistake. It sucks, but you just can’t do more than you’ve done. But I feel for you, because I know what a frustrating experience it is.
Mess: Step away from the couple! You know how bad your behaviour is, hence your defensive tone. Do something about that and stop cheapening yourself by trying to remain involved in this guy’s life. Give him and his poor sod of a wife a chance to build a happy family.
Mess: I think you need to realize that you are not, in fact, “a friend of the family.” I mean, you actually wrote, and sent, this letter that included the following: “I feel like I’ve been a pretty good friend to them as a couple, and to him in particular (aside from the obvious betrayal issues, which are…not really the issue here).” The “betrayal issues” actually…are, in fact, the issue here. Your entire letter reads as extrememly defensive, as if you are trying desparately to declare your decade-long affair with your married friend off-limits and irrelevant, despite describing it in detail. You are willfully shielding yourself from the realities of your own situation, and until you can accept the reality that you can either have had an affair with this guy or be a part of this family’s life, you’re not going to be able to move on. Give this kid the best present you can: break off all contact with the kid’s family.
Having a Gas: Depending on how old your kids are, they might be able to help with the studying. They could color pictures for flashcards or make up songs to help your husband remember things. Then he gets to study and spend time with his family all at the same time.
@Mess–You need to step away from the situation completely. You aren’t emotionally removed from it. I was involved with my ex for a couple of years after we dated, up through the time he got a new girlfriend (which upset me, and that’s how I knew I was still attached to him). I never felt that badly about the affair (even though I consider myself a good person, the guilt didn’t touch me, go figure), until about 8 months into their relationship, and then I realized I was just finished with him. No more, the light switch was flipped. A few weeks later he proposed to her. And now they’re married and are having a baby. I feel like I was able to let him go so he could fully commit to her. We still see each other as friends–the engagement was MY line in the sand–but I have absolutely no romantic/sexual feelings about him anymore (although I think he is still attracted to me, but knows it won’t go anywhere). I don’t call him, and I rarely see him. I’ve never met her, and don’t need to. I’m glad he’s found happiness, but I wouldn’t have been able to if he had stayed around in my life. So please, move on completely. Don’t talk to him, don’t see him. You’ll know you’re really over him when you don’t give a shit WHAT he thinks. I don’t regret the time I spent with my ex, and I am happy to have our odd little friendship now, but I can truly say I have no romantic feelings for him. If you can’t feel the same about Brad…disappear from his life. You’ll thank yourself for it later.
Sars, sometimes I sit here after reading the day’s Vine and wonder whether you group them in a certain way on purpose, to kind of present some kind of theme. Like “One’s a great wife, the other a spurned mistress–guess which is which!” or “Here are three early twenty-somethings with bad attitudes–discuss!” Anyway, great advice. I do wish more women had more self-respect….
Nine: Here is my philosophy on the whole I-think-my-friend-is-making-a-giant-mistake-and-I-must-tell-them-what-I-think deal. If they are a good friend, I will briefly address my concerns with them once and once only. Do not hammer away at your friend every time you talk to her. Then I let it go and support whatever they’ve chosen to do. If their situation ends up going all to hell, resist the urge to do the I told you so dance and just be supportive.
Having a Gas, Jacq’s comments above are totally dead-on. You are a great wife BECAUSE you are being supportive! Sars’ comments are also awesome for practical solutions to things you can do to help him structure his studying and pass the exam, but the emotional support you’re giving him is so fantastic.
I just (as in, on Monday) finished taking my PhD exams, after spending the entire summer worrying, thinking, and stressing about nothing else (even when I wasn’t actively working). My husband was SO GREAT, and I knew he was always always there for me. He understood when I had to study and couldn’t hang out on the couch. He understood when I’d have a day where I’d just lose it and feel so miserable and sorry for myself–he’d just hug me while I cried it out, then go out for cheeseburgers and let me veg on the couch to watch TV marathons. On Monday, after I passed my defense, he came to my building (after working a full day) and helped me move my office down four flights, never once griping or complaining.
My point is this–that is the stuff that matters to those of us on the other side. Just knowing you love us and care for us and want the best for us. And knowing that, whether we pass or not, whether we’re ugly or not, at the end of it all, no matter what, you’ll still be there and still love us. Knowing that helps put the whole “exam” thing into serious perspective.
You, Jacq’s husband, and my own Andrew are the heroes of this process, as far as I’m concerned. Good on you for being you!!!
I think my favorite part of “Mess'” email was when she says she won’t sleep with someone else’s dad. But she will sleep with someone else’s husband?
Sars your advice was spot on, that chica needs to move on, and now. She’s not a friend of the family…To the best of my knowledge, my family friends aren’t sleeping with my husband. And if they were, well he wouldn’t be my husband anymore AND they wouldn’t be my friends.
Reading the “Mess” letter, the thing that kept popping out at me over and over again was that the guy does and has done worse things than failing to involve his mistress in his child’s birth. Things like ignoring his marriage vows. That alone sort of puts any etiquette issues in the shade.
There’s no indication that this was an arranged marriage, so it’s highly likely he married his wife because he wanted to be with her. He may not be very good at it, but still. Dude marries other woman = strong sign he’s not committed to you. The fact that he’s having a bit of each just means he sucks and is manipulative. It doesn’t mean he’s conflicted or deep or anything.
And “friend to them as a couple”? The HELL?
Actually, I won’t spare the judging. And I say this as someone who cheated on my husband and have spent 10 years trying to regain my sense of self-respect and integrity. You have been sleeping with this guy for 10 years, apparently during and after his courtship and marriage to someone else, and ALSO expect to be in their lives as a best friend? That is fucked up. Leave these people alone.
@Nine: I know how hard that situation is but I do agree with Sars on the just be a friend advice. I have a great friend who married a guy that I thought was horrible but she didn’t want my advice. She’s now divorced but we are still close because ultimately I made sure to be her friend and let her make her own decisions. Good luck! I hope it all works out for the best.
@Gas: You sound like a great person to have as a partner! Good luck to you both!
Sars – Spot on, excellent advice, especially to Mess.
Re: Nine…
Although 18 is really young to marry, ultimately I’m not sure age is all that relevant to whether the marriage will be successful. Some people want that sort of life sooner than others, and getting older sure doesn’t stop most people from making bad decisions.
It’s not what I would do, but my little sister got married when she was only 19, about 7 or 8 months after she met the fellow. We were all a bit scandalized at the time, but many years and two kids later, they seem pretty happy and stable. I have lots more anecdotal evidence, but the gist is…you’ve made your concerns known to your friend, now you just need to be supportive and not contribute to tearing apart her relationship. Maybe it will last, maybe it won’t, but the same thing could very well happen 10 or 20 years later if she waited until then to marry.
Having a Gas: It was hard to tell from your letter, but something your husband might need to work on is not so much the studying of the material, but the taking of the test. As a side job I grade practice bar exams- and since I have no idea if the anaesthetics test is like the bar, this may be useless to you. But anyway, I see about 300 to 350 essays at a time, and there is always a large percentage of answers in which the student seems to know the material, but just has no idea how to get it down on paper in a way that gets points.
Those students spend a lot of time on some esoteric statement of the law not relevant to the exam question, or go off on tangents about what the outcome might be in some hypothetical situation *not* mentioned in the exam question, rather than answering the exam question. They just can’t seem to focus on what is actually being asked, or think that there is a trick in the question somewhere. They also have a tendency to name a law or rule and not define it at all, assuming the grader will know what they mean, which is true but results in zero or only one point- or define terms and rules in their own language, rather than the language used in the actual rules and laws. I tell those students to spend a little less time making themselves crazy by going over stuff they’ve already memorized, and more time taking practice tests, have someone who knows look over those tests, and look at model answers.
Sorry, that got a little long. Good luck to your husband on the test!
Gas, I sort of second what JennB says in that flash cards from the kids would make the studying more fun, and man, it sounds as though all that studying has lost his interest.
I would also suggest nakedness – flash more than just cards at your hubby! It’s amazing what a guy will remember if there’s a nipple next to it! My sweetie says the naked flash cards sessions made a world of difference for him & he passed his test with an A+ and a smirk.
Nine, I was in the same situation, sort of. Same sort of no-holds-barred friendship, and I told myself “As long as she’s happy, I’m happy.” but I wasn’t looking closely enough and she wasn’t as happy as she seemed. I feel I failed my friend, and her ex damaged her self-esteem & her finances, and I didn’t even SEE it! (There was a Mess involved also.)
Please keep your eyes & heart open, and check her happiness levels often. She’s lucky to have a friend like you!
Mess, I’d say what everyone else says…stay away. He has other priorities & a stronger commitment than you had with him, and you deserve a better relationship than the leftovers. Just stay away.
@Nine: If she were my friend, I’d be worried too, for all the reasons you said-short courtship, very young to get married, etc., etc. However, I think you’ve handled it just right so far. You’ve voiced your objection, it wasn’t heard, now its time to get behind her and be supportive and enjoy the ceremony.
However, maybe there’s a happy medium between being supportive and cause a lot of drama by boycotting the wedding. Be supportive and excited for her, but subtly make her think about how big a decision this is. For example, ask questions. Questions like, “So where will you guys be living?” “Gosh, its hard for me to keep track of my bills. How are you guys dividing that up?” “Does he cook or will you have to do it all?” These little issues are the ones that can make or break a living together situation and my guess is they haven’t thought about them at all. Expressed in the right tone, not accusatory, just oh-this-is-so-exciting-I-want-to-know-everything, questions like that might get her to do some thinking about if she’s really ready for this.
OK, so I’ll dissent a little from the other comments re: Having a Gas. This woman sounds awesome, no doubt. But I get the sense that the endless cheering, plus shouldering ALL the household/childcare duties, plus helping him study on a regular basis is too much. Life needs balance sometimes, and it seems that her husband’s preparation for this test has hijacked the family for 3 years, however willing all the participants have been. Maybe by spending less time fussing over his study habits and finding ways to motivate him, the awesome wife can actually ease the pressure and dread he feels about the exam. He’s already failed it, twice, which is a huge blow to someone who apparently got through med school OK. I’m probably reading too much into it, but I got a gut feeling that the husband’s passing/not passing this exam would affect awesome wife’s sense of achievement as well. She’s a great lady, and her husband is smart to recognize that, but this is something only he can do.
Am I the only one that got the Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack stuck in my head after the letter from Mess?
Hahaha, “It’s amazing what a guy will remember if there’s a nipple next to it.” That’s fantastic.
I wonder if Gas’s husband might benefit from some outside study help? That really pushed me through a tough engineer’s cert exam. Someone who helps people through exams for a living. I was so mired in what I didn’t know, both info-wise and test-wise, that an outside person coming in and showing me what I DID know, and showing me tips and memorization techniques, and giving me help in changing my routine, really gave me a new outlook on life and test and studying. Not that it’s for everyone! :) But it did help me.
Excellent advice from Sars on all three!
There seemed to be some internal inconsistencies with Mess’s story. She said that she was a really good friend to the couple, involved in the wedding, helped them move, and so on. Yet she didn’t know that the wife was pregnant until (if I understood her correctly) the wife was 6 and 1/2 months along. That implied she hadn’t seen the wife for at least a couple of months. Also, she didn’t know the wife had actually had the baby for two months. Again, even if the husband was deliberately hiding information from Mess, if was as close to the couple as she claims, how could she not have noticed the presence of an infant? Or heard cries in the background when she called? To me, this says that she really wasn’t even on the periphery of their circle of friends – child birth is kind of hard to miss for someone who sees the couple even just a few times a year. So that should make refusing the birthday invite all that much easier, and for the wife, probably won’t come as a shock. The wife may or may not know what was going on, but she knows Mess isn’t a close friend.
Mess:
My husband’s grandfather died a few weeks ago; he was 90, he and my husband’s grandmother had been married for 68 years. At some point in those 68 years, “Grand-dad” had an affair with his secretary. (Before I go on, let me note that, in these situations, the married person is the one who is doing wrong, though the other person isn’t excercising good judgment.) The secretary, K, turned up at the funeral home. My father-in-law (son of the deceased) spoke with her briefly and asked her to leave – Grandma never knew K was there. K thanked my father-in-law for speaking to her and left as asked.
Do you want to be in that position? Not able to pay your respects? I don’t know K, but she surely deserved better. Stay away from the married guy. As Margaret stated above, you deserve a better relationship than the leftovers.
As usual, Sars, you give awesome advice.
My only suggestion for Gas – if your husband really has a pure mental block, it might not hurt for him to talk to someone professional once or twice about it. You are clearly an amazing spouse, but sometimes a neutral third party– someone not in the thick of things– can be a great help. They may have suggestions for him in terms of getting around his mental block and rebuilding his self-confidence in this area; things that go beyond study tactics.
Your husband’s employer may have an EAP (employee assistance program)– if so, the first few visits are usually free.
Best of luck!
Nine, eighteen is young to get married in our day and age–but, stranger things have happened. I worked with a guy in his thirties who wed his high school sweetheart when they were barely legal age, and their marriage was stronger and more stable than many people I knew who “waited” until the “right time.” As you say, her fiance is a good, stable man who loves her, and really, whether you’re eighteen or thirty-seven or sixty-two, that’s the best place to start. Keep your eyes open and your support up, and don’t give advice unless she asks (and than only on the topic she specifically asks about.) IF she brings it up, and only than, I would mention that they might want to delay having any kids so they can get used to their own partnership first, but ONLY IF SHE BRINGS IT UP.
Mess, (and what an appropriate moniker) drop that whole bag of stink and walk away. Move out of state, change your name, do anything you have to to get what remains of your self respect disentangled with this pile of shit. Everything Sars says is true–he won’t leave his wife for you, he’s using you, you’re using him, and frankly, if there’s not judgment in this kind of situation, what kind of situation are you waiting for? Stop digging through the horseshit–there is no pony here.
Nine’s objections to the friend’s plan struck me more as ‘I want her to have a life like mine’ rather than ‘I want her to be happy.’ Now, maybe the two things are the same, but you know, maybe not.
I agree with Sars’s advice on what Nine should do in terms of supporting Ann, but I would also recommend that Nine examine her own feelings. I suspect she’ll find that what scares her most is that Ann’s decisions will in all likelihood spell a change in Nine and Ann’s relationship, maybe to the point of ending it. After all, it wouldn’t be the first time a footloose college student and a settled married girl grew apart.
I’d caution Nine to avoid burning the village to save the village.
Nine: My best friend got married about three months before her 18th birthday. They just wanted to be married; there was no specific reason for it. The fiance was one of my best friends as well. I thought they were too young, but you know, I’m her friend and she needed the support. He treated her very well and while I wasn’t expecting it to last, it has. It’s been 10 years now and she’s pregnant with their 5th child. Just being young isn’t necessarily the kiss of death.
If your friend’s fiance treats her well and is a good person, the best thing you can do is probably to just buy the bridesmaid dress, smile and give a generic toast about how great love is. It could very well work out.
Mess: Really, this is your question? How to turn down the invitation?
How would you turn it down if you were actually busy? Do that. Pretend to be busy. I don’t get the question. They’re not close relatives; turning down the invitation doesn’t require a reason, and how to decline an invitation gracefully wouldn’t require all that backstory.
Which is why I suspect that’s not your real question. My guess is that some part of you thought that maybe, just maybe, the advice was going to be, “Rat him out to his wife.”
In case that’s the case, let me say this: stay out of it. Seriously. Don’t rat him out to his wife. You don’t want to do it out of concern for her; you want to do it out of spite, because you’re angry that he’s getting off scot-free, getting to walk away with exactly the lack of consequences to which you agreed. Walk away. Do something else. Fuck someone single. Stay out of their marriage, family, house, life.
Shannon is wise when she says that Having a Gas’s husband should probably focus on *how* to take the exam, rather than the material. Several weeks before this summer’s bar exam I realized that not only did I not know the material well, but I just hadn’t been able to adjust my studying and exam-taking habits to match what the bar examiners require. I didn’t want to waste the next couple of weeks, so I decided to keep studying the substantive material and make usable outlines for next time, plus take the exam as a practice run through, but I definitely know that when I take the next exam in February I’ll focus on learning to put the material into the format that gets me points. Treating taking the exam as a task in itself, rather than going crazy over learning the details, is a new experience and I think I’ll be able to invest myself more in that, rather than just trying to cram in that same boring material.
Oh man. I’m currently single, but just the idea that a woman who purported to be my friend, who’d watched my house and my pets and spent so much time laughing and grinning with me, could have been sleeping with my husband the whole time makes me sick to my stomach. I’m not judgmental about much–but yes, I am totally judging you.
“because I’m too nice to refuse the invitation”.
The mind boggles at such a misplaced self-assessment.
@Jen S and Margaret: HAAAAA, ha HA! “There is no pony here” and “It’s amazing what a guy will remember if there’s a nipple next to it” are both masterpieces.
@Gas: it might just be a question of the test content.
As Shannon says, it’s important to learn how to answer the question, not just “study”. Long-form essays answering abstract questions need a different kind of thinking–and a different kind of studying–from flat, simple, fact-based multiple-choice. The former probably involves case studies; the latter is flash-card drill-and-kill.
@Mess: God, I love letters like this. “I’ve been letting a married man fuck me for ten years. Lately I’m starting to feel that he doesn’t respect me.” Well, DUH!
Linda: What you said. “I’ve already made plans, sorry, here’s a present.” Not that hard. I do it all the time.
What it will look like to everyone who doesn’t know about the affair: like you’re busy. Or like you don’t really dig giant adult birthday parties for infants, which is not an unreasonable or uncivilized position. Or like you don’t feel like going, for whatever reason, but did the polite thing anyhow.
What it will look like to the guy: dude, who the hell cares? Because who invites his ex-mistress to his son’s birthday party, for fuck’s sake? I’m neutral on the cheating issue, but the dude in question seems to be out of his gourd.
But seriously–unless you live in Twin Peaks, you can not show up for something without causing comment and/or alarm. Send your regrets and don’t show. People will go, at most, “Huh, too bad she couldn’t make it.” Mulder and Scully will not be on the case. Relax.
Having a Gas–good for you being as supportive as you are during your husband’s med school/internship/residency. I’m always amazed at how many resident spouses act like the whole medical training thing is such huge inconvenience to THEM. Anyway, I agree with Shannon about focusing on the test taking more than the material. When my husband was getting ready to take his written AND oral specialty boards, he went to a number of review courses where they not only went over the material, but also how it was presented test-wise and what the proctors are looking for. They cost a bit, but I think the experience paid off. Additionally, all of the residents (1st through 6th year) and staff would get together periodically for mock boards, so everyone would have a feel for what the test would be like once they got in that room. Rather than locking himself down in the home office alone with study cards, he might be helpful to work with other people in his program who are facing the same test (this year, and the next, and the next).
Sars, like the first commenter Sara said, I don’t know how you do it. I would’ve read that first letter and said, “Hell if I know! You sure he didn’t choose the wrong profession?” But you…you answer in this amazing, wonderfully thought out manner. With really good advice.
You rock my socks, sista.
because I’m too nice to refuse the invitation.
“Too nice”…?
1. Invitations are not obligations.
2. “Being nice” does not mean “doing whatever someone else asks, no matter how I feel about it or whether it’s right or wrong.” Being nice means being respectful of other’s feelings and positions.
I speak from experience when I say: How do you suppose the wife will feel when she discovers (and she almost certainly will) that the – your words – “dirty mistress” showed up at her child’s first birthday party? When every photo she has of that birthday party reminds her that you were there?
I can tell you how she’ll feel: My son is 14 years old and 6’3″ tall, and I STILL want to dunk him in a bathtub and scrub him with bleach when I think about “our friend” (someone I never liked, but tried to be polite to for my husband’s sake, since he was friends with HER husband and seemed to like her well enough too – haha, what a fool I was) sitting on my couch holding my week-old infant in her arms and telling me how happy she was for me.
You were not being nice when you slept with someone else’s husband. Attending their child’s birthday party would not be “nice” either. It would be wimpy and pathetic. Do not do it. Ignore the invitation. If you’ve been asked to RSVP, send one word: Regrets. If “Brad” tries to contact you to find out “what’s wrong,” don’t even waste the breath to speak to him.
I wasn’t good enough to be told about the birth, but now there’s the possibility of presents, I’m back in the gang?
Precisely. You’ve been allowing yourself to be used from the very beginning, and he wants to continue to use you any way he can. If he can’t get sex out of you when his wife is tired and sick and pregnant, if he can’t get work out of you when he’s moving or going on vacation and needs the plants watered, then he’ll get presents out of you for his kid.
You said you knew the answer and just needed to hear it from someone else: I hope you’re hearing it. For your sake, and the wife and kid’s sakes.
You are NOT “being nice” when you do something that will hurt someone, and believe me, your presence in their lives in any way, shape, or form WILL hurt the wife and child – if not now, eventually. You can’t undo what’s been done, but you can make a decision to be TRULY nice from this point forward.
@ Sivy: Nope.
“I feel like I’ve been a pretty good friend to the couple.” Girl, if I find out that my husband and I have any “friends” as good as you, I’m making an appointment for the “friend” and the toe of my favorite ass-kicking boots. Christ on a cracker, woman.
Thanks for printing my letter Sars, and for the very detailed reply – I appreciate the time you put into that. Thanks also for all the lovely warm fuzzies from everyone. A good way to start the day!
Shannon you’re right on the money – husband figured out it’s not what he knows, but how he’s answering the questions that’s the problem. He certainly knows enough, it’s just the matter of being able to extrapolate the relevant information in 8 minutes per question. I wrote that letter a little while ago and he has sat the exam since – he’s passed the written component of one half of the exam and we’re off to Melbourne in a week for the oral (sans children so it’s almost like a holiday!) I’ll let you all know how he goes.
So he’ll have to sit the other half of the exam next March (again) but we’re both okay with it. Like you said, we dealt. Life goes on. I think it’s actually now made him more determined to pass!
So thank you all for your suggestions. I’m off to make up some flashcards of chemical structures for the kids to colour in! And after they’re in bed tonight I might try the naked flash cards (thanks Margaret!)
Cheers, Denise
Anaesthetics:
I know the feeling and reality of having failed only ONE test in my life. And needing it to get to the career I wanted. It taught me that FOR THIS TEST my way of studying was not the right way, even though it was the right way for every other class. Who knows why? So i beleive that NOT doing it the same way this time is the key to passing that test.
Get one of all those anesthesiologists he knows, who have passed the test to be a tutor. Or even get a group of them for a once a week study group. They know the test is tough, but they also know what was problematic.
Denise aka Gas,
I have a helpful hint for the oral portion of your hubby’s boards… Bring extra dress shirts! When my husband sat his orals, it was done by subject with short breaks between each session. During each break, he changed his shirt. He thought it helped to present a more confident to the examiners to walk into the room without big old sweatstains on his shirt from the previous grilling… it was more comfortable, too. Best of luck to both of you!
Since a few, but not all that many, have spoken what I thought of in relation to Nine, I’ll add my thoughts.
It sounds like you did all you can (or should) do to express your misgivings, so let it go at that, be supportive, enjoy the wedding, and continue to be a friend. The thing is, you don’t KNOW what the future of the marriage is; nobody does. Nobody ever does. Partnerships entered into with great forethought and shared knowledge can still fail; youthful marriages after short engagements can last a lifetime. I know examples of both, and of the opposite outcome too. There’s no way for anybody to be a prophet — and no negative signs so far in this case, either.
And I understand the feeling, which you admitted in your letter, that part of it is that the friendship is going to change. It does happen, when one of a pair of friends gets married. And I won’t lie, it’s tough for the one who now feels a little more “left out” than before. But that’s life. It happens to all of us and it can’t be avoided (or postponed, when it’s someone else’s choice). You’ll still be friends, but it’ll be different. Try to be big enough not to turn that into condemnation of the marriage.
I don’t know if Mess is still reading these comments, because she’s getting a thrashing, but here’s the thing, Mess: You did the right thing, eventually. Now just stay the course.
I think Linda, above, is spot-on when she says the question about the invitation is not your real question. Your real question has something to do with wanting the douchebag to “pay”, to not get off scot-free for his part in this, or that you “deserve” something better from him, or with reclaiming your self-respect — I don’t know, but maybe you do.
You can reclaim your self-respect by staying out of his life and seeking more appropriate relationships. You will have to trust the universe to exact payment on him – or not, as it may turn out. That doesn’t matter. Move forward with your own life.
I know this makes me a horrible, Michael Scott of a person, but I cannot read “I won’t sleep with someone else’s dad” without thinking “so….you’ll only sleep with your own dad?” Heh.
I think “there is no pony here” is right up there with “have met/was bitch” in the TN lexicon.
Mess: for the love of god, show some class after a decade of “friendship” AKA rubbing the wife’s nose in it, and refuse the invitation.
Can I use Mess’ letter to get a little of the awesome advice people are dishing out? Sorry if this is not allowed, but I find myself in a sort of similar situation (though not nearly as “bad”… I hope.)
Quick story… dated Dude 2 years ago for a brief time. This summer, he pops back up, via text-message and we begin to talk again. He ends up taking me out to dinner, had some drinks, yadda yadda, we have sex. I then find out he is still with his girlfriend. (Who I had assumed he broke up with, seeing as how he was persuing me.) I’m not thrilled with this, but he proceeds to tell me he is not happy with her, and is just “too weak” to break it off. Whatever. See ya later, loser.
BUT. In the weeks where we were text buddies, he asked for my e-mail address… and he emailed me a picture of his penis. Yeah, for reals. (And it’s not even a flattering picture!) So now, I have this picture and I am SO TEMPTED to send it to his girlfriend via Facebook so she can see what a loser and a liar he is. And, yes, I do admit, I can exact a bit of revenge on his cheating, lying ass as well. Terrible, no good, very bad idea, yes? I just really WANT to.
To Nine: I think you’re way overstepping your boundaries. It’s natural to have concerns about your best friend. But you seem to have very specific ideas about how she should live her life, e.g., thinking she should go to college when she doesn’t want to. You want things for her that she herself doesn’t want.
And your concerns about her marriage seem to be more of the same – especially since your objection is about their short engagement, and not about the guy. You think he’s “wonderful” and “loves her to death,” so what is the problem? She doesn’t have to live her life according to your schedule.
Maybe this wedding is a horrible mistake, but based on what you’ve said, there is no indication of that. The only “problem” is that the bride is young, and their engagement is short. Based on that scant evidence you’re considering boycotting the wedding? And “clearing your schedule” for the marriage falling apart in a year? That’s quite an overreaction.
Denise/ Having a Gas: Congrats to your husband on passing the first section! My advice about the test was going to be for him to make a list of things he has done that he’s proud of, to take away the power of passing/failing this one test to define his self worth. But it sounds like he’s well on his way! Well done.
Nine: I went through something similar, and I lost my friend. She put herself in a worse situation than your friend – getting involved with drug dealers, doing some drugs herself, having lots of unprotected sex – and I was worried about her, and hurt that she could not only change so much, but that she didn’t care enough about herself to take care of her safety.
I didn’t know how to be there for her, and in sensing that I didn’t approve of what she was doing she pushed me away. I think it will only hurt your relationship with your friend if she senses you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Can you spend some more time with her and her fiancé as a couple? I would focus on the good qualities you have noticed in him – get to know him as a person and a friend, rather than as something that might destroy your friend in the future, and you’ll have an easier time being happy for her on her wedding day. Good luck to you, and to her.
Mess: What Sars and elayne said.
“I won’t sleep with someone else’s dad.” Here’s the thing though: you already did. You slept with him. That history will not go away. And now he’s someone’s dad. So whether or not you *continue* to sleep with someone else’s dad, you still… slept with someone’s dad. I get the sense that you said that out of the idea that it would be hurtful to the child if you slept with their dad. It’s just as hurtful whether you damaged their parents’ marriage before they were born or after, so either way you should not be placing yourself in this kid’s life.
I have people in my life I’ve grown up knowing as “Aunt” and “Uncle” though they are close friends of my parents rather than blood relatives. I can’t imagine finding out one of them had slept with one of my parents for years. Ick. I don’t think you’re close enough to this family to be given that position in the kid’s life anyway, though you apparently think so, but what I cannot understand for the life of me is why you would WANT to be. Cut all contact and walk away and hopefully you’ll get some perspective.
Skye: I think the answer to your question is in your post–you know that you’re only considering emailing the girlfriend because you really want to, out of revenge and your own personal desire. You want to make yourself feel better, and you’re not considering what’s best for the girlfriend (how could you? You don’t know her.). You have no relationship with the girlfriend, and therefore no standing to rat him out. Stick with your gut on this one–if you have a nagging feeling that this is the wrong thing to do, you’re probably right.