The Vine: August 29, 2012
I can’t decide if I should try for something, or just let it go and figure it wasn’t meant to be. And if I do try, how?
I have been on a team at work for about 20 months; about 6 months ago realized that a co-worker is really neat — kind, funny, similar life outlook, we have great conversations, etc. There are many indications that he is a gem. There are also some signs that the interest is mutual. He definitely likes me, but my jury is out as to whether he likes me or just likes me. FWIW I have always thought he was a nice guy but until earlier this year thought he was much, much younger. I am cursing the timing on this now.
For unrelated reasons I have been trying to get off this team and into another job for the past 6-7 months. When I realized I liked him I figured I could stay in touch after transferring, maybe be more obvious about my feelings, and see where it might go. Under normal circumstances I would have transferred a while ago and would have had some time to let the thing with him progress naturally and get a better idea whether it has legs, but the job market, even internally at my company, has been pretty sucky lately.
About a month ago our boss mentioned in a meeting that sweet/funny coworker is planning to move back to his home country. When we had some time alone I asked him about it directly. The upshot is that he’s homesick, he has an aging, possibly senile parent; he misses other family and friends and his work/life balance sucks in ways that it wouldn’t at home. Also, though he didn’t say it directly, he implied that he’s lonely and disappointed that he never found a partner over here in the US. If all goes as planned he’ll leave in slightly under 2 months.
In a subsequent conversation he said that the next time I visit his home city (a city I have visited several times, and love, which he knows) I should know that I have a place to stay and that he would like to show me around. So, nice that he wants to keep in touch, but…
Should I tell him how I feel before he leaves? Should I ask him if he wants to date me before he leaves? Is there any point? If he weren’t leaving I would have been happy to wait to see how things unfold, but now there’s no time and I don’t want to kick myself later because I didn’t have the guts to do something, but I also don’t want to act like a crazy person over something that may or may not have potential.
In other circumstances I might hang back a bit and see if he makes a move (and also to just let things develop naturally), but it’s hard to know if he’s not asking me out because he doesn’t like me that way, or because a) we’re co-workers and b) he’s a self-professed nerd and a bit socially awkward and c)he’s leaving the country soon.
I just don’t even know how to present what I am feeling because it comes down to, “Hi, I like you and hope that something could work out in the next 2 months that could enable us to see if anything could work out over the long term, so, uh, do you want to go get a drink?” I don’t know how to say this in a non-crazy-sounding way.
For what it’s worth, I am financially secure enough to have some flexibility about where I live and work, and will have even more freedom if a project I’m working on now pans out over the next year or so, so it’s not completely cuh-ray-zay to think that if we were a good fit, things could work out longer term, but nevertheless I feel crazy for even thinking that far ahead. On the other hand I have so much fun with him and he’s so sweet and I am going to miss him horribly when he leaves.
Believe it or not, we’re both in our forties, but it seems that one is perpetually 14 in situations like this.
Hoping you and the Nation might have some suggestions for me.
Thanks!
Midlife Teenager
Dear Midteen,
As my dad once told me when I was hopping around by the phone like I had to pee, psyching myself up to call a boy and ask him to a dance, “The worst he could say is yes.” Heh.
Okay, for real now. This leaped out at me:
…it comes down to, “Hi, I like you and hope that something could work out in the next 2 months that could enable us to see if anything could work out over the long term, so, uh, do you want to go get a drink?” I don’t know how to say this in a non-crazy-sounding way.
That isn’t that crazy-sounding, and even if it is, who cares? Okay, maybe HR cares, but that’s a short-term problem and you can find ways around it if you need to. It sort of reminds me of that line from A Tree Grows in Brooklyn where Francie’s mom says, “I hate all those flirty-birty games that women make up. Life’s too short. If you ever find a man you love, don’t waste time hanging your head and simpering. Go right up to him and say, ‘I love you. How about getting married?'” I mean, you aren’t simpering as far as I can see and I wouldn’t barge up to him at the coffeemaker with a proposal, obvi, but the “life’s too short” part is key, especially in your case. Asking to speak to him privately towards the end of the workday and saying, “Look, this is awkward, but the meter is running on your time in the country, so the hell with it: I like you That Way and I want to see if there’s anything there. Will you go on a date with me?” is going to suck and you will shred your cuticles over it, but it’s going to give you information you need. Either he’s going to tell you he likes you but he doesn’t Like You Like You, which stings, but at least you know and you can move on to the next thing; or he’s going to Like You Like You but think it’s off-putting that you got direct about your feelings, which isn’t really workable and it’s better you figure that out now; or he’s like, sweet, let’s go on a date.
And then things could go any number of different directions, but difficult though it is to resist brain-doodling about this stuff, try not to get ahead of yourself. It’s normal to do, you will do it anyway, but give yourself 30 seconds to daydream-move to his daydream country and work with him on the daydream unicorn farm the two of you own together while eating nothing but chocolate and hope, and when it’s about to get rated-R in your head, snap yourself out of it. One thing at a time. You don’t have to present your able-to-move credentials to him during the appetizer course, or make your case.
And this is the other thing: if you feel yourself having to make a case for why it could work out, or talk him into it at all in terms of taking a chance, it’s no go. If he’s willing to see where things go, and you get a good vibe, great — but if you feel like you’re in a pitch meeting, pack it in. Ordinarily I would make more of the fact that he hasn’t actually made a move as an indicator here, because in my experience, a guy who really likes you will make that known. If he’s socially maladroit, that’s the manner in which he will make it known…but it will become known. In Co-Worker’s case, it’s maybe a workplace issue, and/or a “why start something when I only have 8 weeks left here” issue, so I give that part less weight, but relationships that start out with you talking the other party into giving it a try really never stop feeling that effortful and shitty.
In other words, ‘nad up, invite him out on a Date Date, and give it a chance — but only the one chance. I can trace probably 65% of my grievous romantical errors to “the timing is terrible, but…” Sometimes, ain’t no “but.” It’s just terrible timing, and you ignore it at your peril. The timing here could lead to a wonderful connection that you’d never have forged if a ticking clock hadn’t forced you to make a move or wonder forever, and LDRs and international affairs of this type work out all the time; if you become partners, you find a way. But don’t worry about that part now, and if he’s already got his boxers in a knot about that part, get on OKCupid and find someone else.
Tags: boys (and girls)
Refresh. Refresh. Refresh.
Bubbles is right. You look amazing. Go forth and proudly own your crush.
Midteen,
If I hadn’t told my own Shy Guy that I liked him, I would not be celebrating my 12th wedding anniversary in October.
So happy you’ve decided to go for it. You’re awesome! And brave! And other exclamatory things!
Looking forward to the update.
This whole thing is making my heart all a-flutter.
I saw this thread yesterday and just thought I’d come back & see what was what before heading out of the office. And…WOW! I just scrolled furiously to the bottom in hopes of an update.
I never (well, hardly ever) post here but I just had to chime in – good luck Midteen! Be brave!!!
I am ready but he was showing as in a meeting, then away, then busy, now away again. If he doesn’t come back online and available before the top of the hour, I’ll ping him and ask him to ping me back when he’s free. Ahhhhh! Even if it’s a bad outcome, at this point, I just want to get the asking over with!
On this, the eve of my second wedding anniversary to the guy who I had a secret crush on for months and almost let slip away because “the timing wasn’t right”–to the point of actually trying to set him up with friends of mine–I’m sending you good vibes and lots of luck!
And seriously, your hair has never looked better.
Here’s one more person rooting for you, Midteen!
OK, now fate is just f-ing with me. Can’t get ahold of him. Aaaaaaahhhhh!
Thank you all for the wonderful support. I promise to update you as soon as there is news.
Go Midteen, go! Because of your letter, and the subsequent comments, and the eerily-similarly themed what-if.xkcd.com post of this week, and because dammit I want to, I am thisclose to telling the object of my crush how I feel, even though I’m pretty sure it will not end as happily as yours (we’re already geographically-challenged, for one… two is that I recently got out of a relationship for unrelated reasons, but if I’d just listened to my inner Nation it would have ended about a year ago and I wouldn’t have this dilemma). But… I think I’d rather say it and be embarrassed and awkward for a while than to continue just wanting to say it (for the record, the choices are say it now (via email, blegh) but then it’s out there and I definitely won’t chicken out… or wait until December when we’ll briefly be in the same city again, but possibly be too busy to have That Conversation… ugh, such awful timing all around!!)
Anyway! Yay Midteen! Yours will go awesome, I know it.
While we’re waiting, Kari thanks for the update, though sorry it didn’t turn out the way you hoped. I had a similar situation early last summer (which is one of the things making me gun-shy now, but whatevs) and it turned out to be for the best. He and I have remained friends, and the friendship has enabled me to see that it never would have worked romantically, and actually could have been a big mess if we had tried. So, sometimes, it works out the way its’ supposed to, even though it might not appear that way at the time.
On the topic of gun-shyness, I am now remembering that the guy from last summer was such a bucket of mixed signals that by the time I finally decided to say something, I actually kind of knew what the answer was going to be, but wanted to get absolute clarity so I could move on. I am not getting mixed signals from current guy, which is encouraging, except right now I’m not getting any signals at all :(
Eeeeeee! Thinking goof thoughts for you, Midteen!
The way I feel about this thread right now is how I feel when I think a TV couple I’m shipping is about to finally get together.
I am going to take the radio silence as an indication that Midteen and her guy are having a rom-com worthy confession of mutual affection over beers and a big bowl of hope with two spoons and extra chocolate sauce.
OMG, y’all. So I’m home from work now and waiting for some folks to come over so I thought I’d check in here for news. I’ve got my music on shuffle, and while I was reading through the latest comments, Elvis’ “It’s Now or Never” came on. Heee!
The exchanging of one’s pop-culture touchstones is a veerrrrrrry promising sign, IME.
This was my thought as well. Fingers crossed for you, Midteen!
Midteen, don’t know if the moment of truth has come and gone, but…
I get the feeling he’s feeling pretty much what you’re feeling from what you’ve told us. The trading of “favorite” things, the discussions, the chemistry, the fact he mentioned that “not finding a relationship” was one of the reasons he was moving back.
Of course I haven’t met either of you. But your posts have that kind of clarity a crush sometimes gives you–not always, but sometimes, when you sense a return of the vibe and it’s your own beating heart getting in the way.
We are rooting for you across the Nation. Big ups!
TNers, I feel like such a tease! I don’t have any news to report yet. I didn’t want to bug him during the workday when his online status said he was in meetings, but then later he went to “away” and stayed that way. I pinged him once to ask me to ping me when he was free, but he never came back online. I don’t want to give up on this weekend though, so I’m going to look for him online again tomorrow.
Thursday he worked from home because he said he thought he was coming down with a cold, so maybe he’s home sick. Dammit, if he is I want to take him soup.
At this point the suspense is killing me so much that even if the answer is “I like you, but not that way” it would be a relief to know, but also, my gut sense is that he does like me that way and that if I ask him to get together he’ll say yes. The other night I DID theoretically invite him over for a traditional American dessert, before he leaves and he theoretically accepted, so it’s not completely crazy to think he would accept a real invitation.
Oh, and to add a bit of random humor/weirdness to the whole situation – a new data guy started working with us last week, and from what I can tell HE is completely hot for my coworker (first grilled him about his relationship status, then came over and asked him to lunch the other day even though he barely speaks to anyone else on the team). Hee.
And, one more thing and I’ll pipe down until I have something to report. It wasn’t until I tried to share a book with him that I realized how significant it might have been that he brought me his favorite movie after we had a conversation about our favorite movies. It’s actually kind of hard to present something like that to someone you like – what if they don’t like it? What if they think you’re weird because you DO like it? What if they are annoyed that you’re trying to claim some of their time?
FWIW, I did like his favorite movie, even though I didn’t really expect to – he definitely has geek-boy tastes.
…”A traditional American dessert.” Is THAT what the kids are calling it nowadays.
(Hee. Deep breaths. This sort of timing never fails, really. “My love for you must wait until you return from an off-site team-building hootenanny!”)
All right Nation, I need your advice. He has been offline since yesterday mid-afternoon. I checked his work contact card and it includes his cell number. Do I call? Text? Give up?
I had assumed I would get a chance to IM him but if he doesn’t come back online … and he might stay offline all weekend because he doesn’t like to mix work and non-work.
I hate to let this long weekend go by without making an attempt. On the other hand I don’t want to commit an HR violation by harvesting his cell number from the corporate directory then using it to ask him out.
Go for it! What do you have to lose at this point besides precious time?
OK – I did it, but results were not promising. I called him, was ready to leave a message, but he picked up. He knew it was me before I ID’d myself (corp address book synchronization), which I thought made it promising that he picked up, but to my “hi, I was calling to ask if you might want to get dinner or a beer sometime this weekend,” he replied that he appreciated the offer but that the timing wouldn’t work because he was heading out of town early in the morning and would not be back until late Monday night. And, that was pretty much it. No “well, this weekend won’t work, but how about …” Just “thanks and see you later.”
Curse him and his Labor Day weekend plans, but I also think that if he had wanted to see me he would have found some way to work me into his schedule.
Oh well, at least now I know and I can go about the rest of the weekend without all the anxiety. And Tuesday at work I’ll just play it off.
Aw, that’s too bad. But I think your take on it is accurate, and now you can move on!
Awesome job, though. You tried, at least.
Aw, I’m sorry to hear that. But, good for you for asking, and now you know! At least you won’t always wonder. Hang in there!
Good on you, Midteen. Big admiration for your bravery!
I’m glad you asked him out. No regrets!
My local peanut gallery thinks this wasn’t definitive, because they don’t know that he knew I was asking him out and because he comes from a culture where communication is very literal – as in, my “do you want to get together this weekend” meant just that, which he met with “I can’t this weekend” which mean just that. I wasn’t willing to parse it that way, but people who don’t say things just to make me feel better are parsing it that way, so who knows…
So, anyway, I almost wish it were definitive so I could stop thinking about it and move on. but for now I am doing my best not to think about it and will let the chips fall where they may.
And, in any case, whether he perceived it as an asking out or a friendly overture, it’s definitely up to him to pick up the ball from here if he is so inclined and if he doesn’t, well, then, there’s my answer.
Sars, on a completely unrelated note, should the quoted phrases above have commas after them? I can’t remember if the commas are only for quoted phrases followed by “he said/she said” or all quoted phrases. Nothing like a bit of grammar education to take my mind off my troubles.
The first quoted phrase, no; the second one, yes.
You tried, and hopefully he responds next week with a similar offer. If not, well, you put on your big girl pants and did it, which was the hardest part. Next time will be easier!
Midteen, I’m assuming you are female: are you sure he’s straight? I’m asking because I have made this mistake in the past, although admittedly I was much younger than you are now.
Sars, thanks for the punctuation help.
Sarah, yep … and it suddenly occurred to me today that I had gotten into the mindset that there was a right way to do this and because I did it the wrong way I created the wrong outcome, but really, the outcome is whatever it’s going to be, it is just a matter of finding out now or dragging it out.
Elle, yeah ,I am female and I have ascertained he’s straight. It’s a reasonable question, because for the first 6 months or so we worked together I wasn’t sure, and actually wasn’t 100% sure until a month or so ago when he said a few things that made it clear.
Sorry it didn’t work out Midteen but at least you asked! I salute your bravery :-)
I’m seriously at the point where I’m just going to buy the unicorn farm myself and to Hades with any potential co-farmers. Shut up, OKCupid!
(Ahem, sorry).
Well, he just stopped by and asked if he could buy me a coffee, and he enthusiastically accepted the loan of my favorite book (which I had offered last week and didn’t want to withdraw in a snit). Not sure if it means anything very exciting, but at least it indicates that I didn’t create a situation of such horrible awkwardness that he is going to avoid eye contact until he leaves the country.
But I might go ahead and get my own unicorn farm too. It can’t hurt.
I call that an overture. Work it!!
Midteen! Usually when someone wants to buy me a coffee, I interpret that as a date! A lower-key date than maybe dinner or something, but he wants to hang with you in a non-work situation! You said yourself that the ball was in his court; it sounds to me like he’s taken it and hit it back. Don’t be so quick to minimize his actions as nothing; he may just be more tentative than you might wish, but think how freaked you were to ask him out. Surely he might feel the same amount of freaked? I think the asking for coffee thing is quite the positive sign, and if you go in the early evening after work, maybe you can turn it into dinner? ;-)
@Patricia, it wasn’t an invitation to coffee after work, it was “would you like to come to the coffee stand with me now and I’ll buy you a coffee.” I had to get on the phone for a meeting, so I said I couldn’t, so he said “can I bring you one?” Which he did, and it was nice of him, but it wasn’t an offer to hang out after work.
I was actually more encouraged by his genuine interest in the book – I had put it on his desk when I arrived this morning, figuring that was potentially less awkward than making a big deal of handing it to him. As soon as he came in he came over with it to ask some questions about it, and to then point out that normally he likes books with explosions, aliens and wizards, but he was going to give this one a try.
I don’t know, maybe if I had been able to go to the coffee stand with him he would have made some reference to the weekend, but there was never any time to talk where we weren’t in cube land. I probably won’t see him until next week because he said he’s working from home tomorrow and I’m out of the office from Thursday on. DOH!
It’s all good Midteen, IMO. If he was freaked out by your asking, he would not be inviting you along for coffee, or book-talking with you. He would be afraid of leading you on.
Maybe he just wants to be your friend, but even if? That’s good thing.
Also, I think the fact that you couldn’t go with him for coffee might not be a bad thing. You didn’t act all “OMG!! Of COURSE I’ll blow off this work related thing for you!” If he is a little shy or reserved, he might need to take things at his own pace, and you acting normal and relaxed around him might be the best thing you could do.
Good luck, I’ll be pulling for you.
Go, Midteen, go! Gah, stupid work preventing people from possibly finding their unicorn farm soul mates…
Please tell me the book is The Last Unicorn.
Midteen – you’re killing me here (and my chocolate unicorn farm). While you couldn’t go with when he offered to get coffee, that was a HUGE offer. HUGE, I tell you.
Please don’t take the Labor Day rejection as a permanent rejection. There’s something there waiting to happen. While there isn’t a lot of time right now given his schedule to leave, I can’t shake the feeling that something is here there for you (said the random stranger).
Now is not the time to be coy or play games with your heart.
You look awesome and are all that (and then some). Now’s the time to reciprocate with coffee or whatever. Opportunities are being presented – when the time is right, you’ll both be able to go. And chat. Or drink. Or share a meal. And then who knows what else.
Full disclosure – I had my own one of these pop up unexpectedly over the weekend. I’m glad I reached out after 8 months – I expected frostbite or nothing in return. Instead, I received a text from the guy telling me he’d missed me terribly, etc., and now we’re spending quality time together and no matter what comes from it, I’m glad I reached out.
As a usually silent member of the TN, I can’t remain quiet on this. Please, proceed. You have nothing to lose (except some chocolate, the unicorns, and the farm). There’s way too much happening between the lines to just let this one go.
Thanks Debby and Kategm. Agreed that it’s all definitely on the positive side, and even if he just wants to be friends, he would be a nice friend to have. And yeah, I did finally decide that if he wanted to avoid me it would be really easy, but all day today he did the opposite; in addition to the coffee and book convos, it seems like he was over at my cube numerous times throughout the day.
I am also starting to understand that sometimes there’s not one moment of truth where you can say “OK, NOW I know for sure that it’s going ‘that way.'” It’s more like a road that you get on and maybe it leads to one coffee followed by another followed by a book sharing followed by a dinner followed by more great conversations and maybe eventually that all gets you to a unicorn farm, but maybe not, maybe it’s just a lot of nice coffee and conversation that doesn’t go anywhere in particular but is nice for itself. Trying to not worry about outcome so much and just enjoy his company.
Sorry, I misinterpreted the coffee comment, but you sound like you’ve got great perspective, Midteen. Love the insight about the road, versus one shining moment of truth. I completely agree with you that it’s win-win for you- either you get a romantic relationship out of it, or you get a great friendship, and I’m really happy for you (as happy as some random over the internet can be) that you’re in a good place to enjoy either possibility.
FWIW, I also agree with Melissa; for whatever reason it just feels like there’s more for you. But I think your approach of relaxing and enjoying whatever it may turn out to be is the best one for all possible outcomes. Wish I could hear how it turns out!
As someone who is genetically (seriously… meet my mom) predisposed to being completely oblivious in social situations, particularly regarding subtexts… he may have not realized at the time that you were asking him out. I think coffee is definitely a good sign! Just go with it :)
@Jen S 1.0, I would tell you all what book it is, but it’s too specific. No, it’s not likely that he reads The Vine (no offense to Sars) but you never know …
@Melissa, you know, I have a good feeling about things too, for no exact reason, but just mostly because being around him is so enjoyable. Congrats on your new situation – I hope that works out.
@Patricia, OK, that’s good to know that even with the accurate interpretation of coffee it’s still a positive. This is seeming fun again.
I probably won’t see him until next week – if Sars doesn’t mind my continuing to comment on this post I’ll give an update next week if anything jumps off.
Who knew that so much drama could burble under the surface of cubicle land?
If I were a complete smartass I would have lent him a Nicholas Sparks book, or something by Jane Green, then waited to see how he reacted :)
I came back after reading this the day it came out and was excited to see so many replies, hoping there was some resolution.
1-Thanks for keeping us updated, like someone said, this is as good as hoping my TV favorites come together!
2-Good luck!!!! and like others have said, I hope you keep trying, at least get it out there to him that you like him so you can truly get his feelings on the topic. He sounds like the kind of guy where even if it doesn’t work romantically would still be mature enough to stay friends.
3-Pleeeease keep going with the updates when there are some!
“I am also starting to understand that sometimes there’s not one moment of truth where you can say “OK, NOW I know for sure that it’s going ‘that way.'” It’s more like a road that you get on and maybe it leads to one coffee followed by another followed by a book sharing followed by a dinner followed by more great conversations and maybe eventually that all gets you to a unicorn farm, but maybe not, maybe it’s just a lot of nice coffee and conversation that doesn’t go anywhere in particular but is nice for itself. Trying to not worry about outcome so much and just enjoy his company.”
Awesome way to look at it, Midteen. I need to convince myself of this too. Life is not a romantic comedy with a neat ending.
Midteen, Please keep coming back with updates. I like checking back to see if there’s anything new, and I agree that it feels like there will be more.
What Stephanie and Donna said, midteen!