The Vine: August 29, 2012
I can’t decide if I should try for something, or just let it go and figure it wasn’t meant to be. And if I do try, how?
I have been on a team at work for about 20 months; about 6 months ago realized that a co-worker is really neat — kind, funny, similar life outlook, we have great conversations, etc. There are many indications that he is a gem. There are also some signs that the interest is mutual. He definitely likes me, but my jury is out as to whether he likes me or just likes me. FWIW I have always thought he was a nice guy but until earlier this year thought he was much, much younger. I am cursing the timing on this now.
For unrelated reasons I have been trying to get off this team and into another job for the past 6-7 months. When I realized I liked him I figured I could stay in touch after transferring, maybe be more obvious about my feelings, and see where it might go. Under normal circumstances I would have transferred a while ago and would have had some time to let the thing with him progress naturally and get a better idea whether it has legs, but the job market, even internally at my company, has been pretty sucky lately.
About a month ago our boss mentioned in a meeting that sweet/funny coworker is planning to move back to his home country. When we had some time alone I asked him about it directly. The upshot is that he’s homesick, he has an aging, possibly senile parent; he misses other family and friends and his work/life balance sucks in ways that it wouldn’t at home. Also, though he didn’t say it directly, he implied that he’s lonely and disappointed that he never found a partner over here in the US. If all goes as planned he’ll leave in slightly under 2 months.
In a subsequent conversation he said that the next time I visit his home city (a city I have visited several times, and love, which he knows) I should know that I have a place to stay and that he would like to show me around. So, nice that he wants to keep in touch, but…
Should I tell him how I feel before he leaves? Should I ask him if he wants to date me before he leaves? Is there any point? If he weren’t leaving I would have been happy to wait to see how things unfold, but now there’s no time and I don’t want to kick myself later because I didn’t have the guts to do something, but I also don’t want to act like a crazy person over something that may or may not have potential.
In other circumstances I might hang back a bit and see if he makes a move (and also to just let things develop naturally), but it’s hard to know if he’s not asking me out because he doesn’t like me that way, or because a) we’re co-workers and b) he’s a self-professed nerd and a bit socially awkward and c)he’s leaving the country soon.
I just don’t even know how to present what I am feeling because it comes down to, “Hi, I like you and hope that something could work out in the next 2 months that could enable us to see if anything could work out over the long term, so, uh, do you want to go get a drink?” I don’t know how to say this in a non-crazy-sounding way.
For what it’s worth, I am financially secure enough to have some flexibility about where I live and work, and will have even more freedom if a project I’m working on now pans out over the next year or so, so it’s not completely cuh-ray-zay to think that if we were a good fit, things could work out longer term, but nevertheless I feel crazy for even thinking that far ahead. On the other hand I have so much fun with him and he’s so sweet and I am going to miss him horribly when he leaves.
Believe it or not, we’re both in our forties, but it seems that one is perpetually 14 in situations like this.
Hoping you and the Nation might have some suggestions for me.
Thanks!
Midlife Teenager
Dear Midteen,
As my dad once told me when I was hopping around by the phone like I had to pee, psyching myself up to call a boy and ask him to a dance, “The worst he could say is yes.” Heh.
Okay, for real now. This leaped out at me:
…it comes down to, “Hi, I like you and hope that something could work out in the next 2 months that could enable us to see if anything could work out over the long term, so, uh, do you want to go get a drink?” I don’t know how to say this in a non-crazy-sounding way.
That isn’t that crazy-sounding, and even if it is, who cares? Okay, maybe HR cares, but that’s a short-term problem and you can find ways around it if you need to. It sort of reminds me of that line from A Tree Grows in Brooklyn where Francie’s mom says, “I hate all those flirty-birty games that women make up. Life’s too short. If you ever find a man you love, don’t waste time hanging your head and simpering. Go right up to him and say, ‘I love you. How about getting married?'” I mean, you aren’t simpering as far as I can see and I wouldn’t barge up to him at the coffeemaker with a proposal, obvi, but the “life’s too short” part is key, especially in your case. Asking to speak to him privately towards the end of the workday and saying, “Look, this is awkward, but the meter is running on your time in the country, so the hell with it: I like you That Way and I want to see if there’s anything there. Will you go on a date with me?” is going to suck and you will shred your cuticles over it, but it’s going to give you information you need. Either he’s going to tell you he likes you but he doesn’t Like You Like You, which stings, but at least you know and you can move on to the next thing; or he’s going to Like You Like You but think it’s off-putting that you got direct about your feelings, which isn’t really workable and it’s better you figure that out now; or he’s like, sweet, let’s go on a date.
And then things could go any number of different directions, but difficult though it is to resist brain-doodling about this stuff, try not to get ahead of yourself. It’s normal to do, you will do it anyway, but give yourself 30 seconds to daydream-move to his daydream country and work with him on the daydream unicorn farm the two of you own together while eating nothing but chocolate and hope, and when it’s about to get rated-R in your head, snap yourself out of it. One thing at a time. You don’t have to present your able-to-move credentials to him during the appetizer course, or make your case.
And this is the other thing: if you feel yourself having to make a case for why it could work out, or talk him into it at all in terms of taking a chance, it’s no go. If he’s willing to see where things go, and you get a good vibe, great — but if you feel like you’re in a pitch meeting, pack it in. Ordinarily I would make more of the fact that he hasn’t actually made a move as an indicator here, because in my experience, a guy who really likes you will make that known. If he’s socially maladroit, that’s the manner in which he will make it known…but it will become known. In Co-Worker’s case, it’s maybe a workplace issue, and/or a “why start something when I only have 8 weeks left here” issue, so I give that part less weight, but relationships that start out with you talking the other party into giving it a try really never stop feeling that effortful and shitty.
In other words, ‘nad up, invite him out on a Date Date, and give it a chance — but only the one chance. I can trace probably 65% of my grievous romantical errors to “the timing is terrible, but…” Sometimes, ain’t no “but.” It’s just terrible timing, and you ignore it at your peril. The timing here could lead to a wonderful connection that you’d never have forged if a ticking clock hadn’t forced you to make a move or wonder forever, and LDRs and international affairs of this type work out all the time; if you become partners, you find a way. But don’t worry about that part now, and if he’s already got his boxers in a knot about that part, get on OKCupid and find someone else.
Tags: boys (and girls)
Thank you for the updates. Keep them coming! This comment thread has become one of my guaranteed sources of awesome on the interwebs.
I’ve been out of internet contact for a week and I get back to this awesome comment thread and then BAM. Left hanging. Any chance of an update, Midteen?
Oh Midteen, this is better than any show on TV!
Good luck and keep us posted.
I hate to leave everyone hanging, but I won’t see him again until Tuesday at the earliest – I am out of town until then. I promise I will be at my keyboard, typing an update, the minute any new information presents itself.
In the meantime, to those who have lauded my ability to take a long and philosophical view, please know that it’s NOT my natural inclination, not by a long shot. My natural inclination is to parse every nuance for evidence that a guy likes me “that way,” to the detriment of actually paying attention to whether I like and respect him in return.
That led to many bad things, so I finally trained myself to take the long view, and busy myself during the waiting phase by observing the guy’s *overall* behavior for keys to his character. But yeah, long road to get here.
Well, Nation, still no absolute conclusion one way or another, but I’m inclined to think that means a conclusion, just not the one I wanted.
Here’s what update I have. Until today I had not seen him in person since Tuesday the 4th. That was the day he invited me to go to the coffee stand, but I had to turn him down, but then he bought me a coffee and brought it back. He worked from home the next day and the day after that I had to work from another building, then I was out Friday and Monday.
I was hoping he would be in the office on Tuesday or Wednesday this week, but he worked from home both days, which really bummed me out even though I kept reminding myself that it was almost certainly not personal. Over the time when I didn’t see him we had a few IM conversations which were definitely friendly and maybe a little flirty.
So, anyway, today was our big corporate meeting. I wound up sitting one seat away from him. As it turned out, the seating was so tight that it was probably better that we weren’t right next to each other because I would have been in his lap. We had a fair bit of banter throughout the day and I also had the opportunity to observe that he is pretty tightly wound – not in an unpleasant way, but his physical awkwardness was palpable.
Early in the day while we were waiting for the meeting to start I asked him if he knows his departure date yet – he doesn’t and there is actually a contract snafu that is blocking the move, so he will definitely be here at least until the end of October and maybe longer.
Also, early on I asked if he took the bus over and he said he had walked over from his apartment. I said that if I had realized how close the venue was from downtown, I would have just walked over from downtown too rather than get on a second bus. I was hoping that he might suggest walking back downtown together at the end of the meeting, and I decided that I was not going to invite myself – not because I’m being coy but because I don’t want to be a stalker.
So, as we were walking out he did invite me to walk with him … we had a nice 25 or so minute walk and chat, but then when he got to where he turns off for home he just asked me if I knew how to get to my train stop, then headed off. I had kinda been hoping for a drink offer or something, but it didn’t happen. Seems like he likes me well enough, but I dunno … if he wanted something to happen wouldn’t he ask me to get a drink or a beer or something? FWIW, if I don’t keep introducing conversation topics he goes silent and exudes palpable awkwardness, but when I do introduce topics and ask him questions he’s very chatty and interesting.
In other news this other guy on my floor who has been smiling at me for about the past 9 months has suddenly started IMing me in the evening, just to chat about non-work stuff and tell me how much he likes my blog. I’m a little weirded out with wondering how he found my blog and not sure what I think of him, but as one of my friends says “you can never have too many new guys” so I guess I’ll be friendly to him and see if he appeals. Still bummed about foreign-boy though.
I wish I had a more exciting update, but there you have it.
Midteen, I’d say forget everything until after the weekend, and then you can suggest a generic get-together again without fearing to overwhelm him . You may also consider having a dinner party or similar where he would come to your place with other people. He sounds like a shy guy so maybe this sort of invitation would be easier and lead naturally to a second occasion where you are alone. Just brainstorming!
It’s not weird that I keep checking the comments on this, right?
mspaul, you’re not the only one.
Oh god, I need updates, where are the updates?????
Hee hee. Join the club, mspaul and RC.
Yep. I’m still checking, too.
Ironically all these non-update comments about wanting updates keep getting me excited only to dash my hopes…
So let’s add more of them!
Hey Nation, I am starting to worry that I’m going to get some kind of “crappiest follow up posting ever” award from Sars.
I don’t have much because I only saw him the one time last week (at our company meeting and on the walk home). I assumed I would see him this week but he emailed the team Monday morning to say he was sick – was then completely out Monday and yesterday (meaning, not online, not attending conference calls – nothing). Finally today he came online so I pinged him to check in. People in my company don’t take actual sick days very often unless they’re really, really sick so I was kinda starting to worry about him.
Anyway, he said he is starting to feel better, but will be working from home the rest of the week. He did say he had started reading my favorite book, and likes it so far, but that’s the only tidbit I have. Maybe there will be more next week, assuming he reappears in the office.
Midteen, I have never commented before but now I have to, because this is making me crazy. SAY SOMETHING TO HIM. Don’t ask him out for drinks. Say to him, “You know, after getting to know you, I think you’re a wonderful person and I’d be interested in seeing if we have something here. But if you don’t think of me that way, we can just never speak of it again.”
Or I don’t know, SOMETHING like that. You have nothing to lose. He is leaving the country. When he does, you’ll never know what might have happened if you hadn’t said anything.
It will suck if he isn’t interested, but you’ll get over it. And you’ll know you did everything you could.
@FirstTime, thank you – and I agree, that would be a way to know for sure one way or another. Problem is, I have to see him to be able to talk to him, and he has been so scarce lately. Hoping he’ll be back next week and I can talk to him, but every time I think “OK NOW I’ll be able to talk to him” he goes missing.
@Midteen (at 5:37 PM)
Oh, honey, I’ve been there and done that. Then the guy wound up dating another coworker (maybe….the whole thing was very weird) and now he’s halfway across the country but still randomly emails me from time to time and is apparently not dating that other coworker anymore who is also in another (separate) part of the country….
I hope you can pin him down soon if only for your sanity :-) Good luck either way!
Midteen, I’m really beginning to suspect he is in fact a Vine reader…
@Elle, I hope you’re kidding! Also, thank you for your earlier advice.
@kategm, yeah, I have been here a few times over the years, but I do always find that it works out for the best in the end and it’s always better to know.
Jeepers, I’m just catching up on Vines and found this tantalizing thread. But it’s “next week” now! Hope that means an update is on the way.
Also, Midteen, you pointed out how quiet he is in person unless you’re feeding the conversation. I’m wondering whether things are the same when you’re chatting online. Maybe in person isn’t best for questions at this stage. Just a thought from a person who can be rather shy by voice.
And the cubicle continues to turn, but still, nothing conclusive, unless you count his absence as conclusive. Which I was going to do (as in “if he really liked me, wouldn’t he make the effort to come to the office to see me?”) until a friend pointed out that he’s not a 13-year-old girl. And I do think that it’s good he stayed away last week since he was sure he had flu germs.
But, anyway, he wasn’t in again on Monday. (Agggh!) So, I pinged him, on the pretext of needing to know when I could bring his DVDs back in, but really to find out when the heck he’s going to be around again. Answer: possibly tomorrow, but Thursday for sure. Not that that guarantees any progress, but at least I will see him in person.
OK, here’s a tiny tidbit – I haven’t been pinging him online much because I would really rather talk in person, but the few times I have over the past couple of weeks, he has responded within seconds. Last night we chatted for about 30 minutes, about a variety of non-work topics. I was really tired and was running out of banter-energy, so I finally said I needed to sign off, but before I did I said that I enjoyed catching up at least virtually and noted that I hardly see him any more. I then noticed that he typed and retracted 4 responses before finally settling on “yeah, same here!” So now of course I wonder what he started to type :)
The “there are no mixed signals” part of me thinks that if he were interested in trying to make something happen he would show up in the damned office already, or ask me to go for drinks. But, I don’t speak guy-nerd.
Nation, any advice beyond “just say something already?” I will, I promise, just waiting for an in-person chance for it.
@Haze, I am leery of revealing my feelings over chat – especially work-chat – it could leave some real awkwardness hanging in cyberspace, ya know?
@Midteen: ‘You know? We should really go for a drink/meal/whatever before you leave. I’d love to see you outside the work environment for once. What about next xxx?’
Well, we had lunch together today. It was sort of mutually agreed upon – I asked if he was going over to the café – he said yes, and asked if I wanted to go with him. I assumed it would be a “grab food and go back and hunch over our separate desks like we always do” lunch, but then once we were in the café I said “were you planning to head back?” and he asked if I wanted to sit with him and eat there instead.
So, we did, for an hour – had a great conversation about lots of stuff. I had to get back for a meeting or it might have gone on longer.
He said one sweet thing: I was telling him about how someone who is very successful in a field that I’m trying to break into agreed to talk to me next week about her experiences. I said “it’s really nice of her to do this – after all, who am I?” To which he responded “well, you’re YOU.” So, now of course I am driving myself crazy trying to decide if that’s something that a work pal would say or if it was more personal.
(I hope I’m not too much on the “he said/she said” detail, but it helps me sort out whether he’s actually invested in spending time with me or just going along.)
Today was the first time I had seen him in almost two weeks so it didn’t seem like the right time to pounce with “so, do you like me?” Or maybe I’m just a chicken. I’ll see if I get any face time with him tomorrow.
It is entirely possible that in his culture, what seem like tiny baby steps to you may indeed be huge overtures for him. It sure does sound like progress, though. Keep the faith!
Excited to see this thread is still going!
Midteen, given what you said in the letter it seems there’s now what, less than a month before he leaves? Sounds like the perfect time to say “I’d really like to see more of you before you go.”
Hee, “more of you.”
@B – I forgot to update the Nation – because of contract issues, his departure is delayed – he now thinks it will be the beginning of December at the earliest. So, I have a little more time …
He wasn’t in the goddamn office today.
@Word Maven, I wish there was some kind of key to how people date in different cultures.
Hahaha, Sars. Well, Midteen, feel free to use my line and wink heavily while doing so.
Anyway, we’re all still rooting for you. Go for it!
Oh, and in the spirit of this thread, let me share my surefire “move.” Used in high school and also when I met my (now) husband. Arrange to hang out at night and as it gets late and you get sleepy and/or tipsy, put your head on his shoulder.
Just kidding, don’t do that. (Although I’m not kidding about myself being such a weirdo.) Talk to him, but if that fails, just do something.
Well, Nation, this is not looking good. I had a fun/nice/flirty (and sweetly *personal*) online chat with him this morning. Later in the day I had to go downtown for an appointment. When I was in the appointment I could almost literally see his building, so I figured I would ping him afterwards, just to let him know I was in his neighborhood, and see what I might get back. Given our level of familiarity with each other, this seemed like an OK thing to do.
Got. Back. Nothing. He answered my initial “Hi” ping, but then never responded to my saying I was nearby. Now he’s been offline for almost an hour, so I assume he’s not going to respond.
Maybe he just likes the attention and flirtation and really doesn’t have any desire/intention to take it any further. Or maybe he’s “come here/go away” boy.
Doh.
Eh, totally inconclusive. There are a million reasons he might not have responded. Don’t wait around for him to do something, just go for it. Even if it fails, it sounds like you could pretty easily avoid him in the future.
@B, thank you, but honestly, it just seems that despite his sweet remarks and personal interest and all that, he’s not making himself very available to me … he could if he wanted to, so I have to assume that for whatever reason, he doesn’t want to. It’s a huge bummer because I really was enjoying getting to know him and hoped there might be more, but I can’t see how more could ever happen – I can’t even get any momentum going.
About a year ago I had a situation with a guy who frequently invited me to do stuff on weekend nights, always paid, made it clear that he really enjoyed my company, spent entire days with me exploring the city and talking about everything, and on and on. I really enjoyed his company and thought things might be going somewhere.
But, the romantic stuff wasn’t happening. He was a nerd, so I thought that might be a factor. Finally I decided to just tell him I liked him and see what I got back. In the week leading up to when I decided to tell him, he was suddenly way less attentive, to the point that when I decided to go ahead and just say something, I already knew what the answer was going to be because I could barely get his attention that day.
Anyway, water under the bridge, but it gave me a close-up view of what goes on with “come here/go away” boys. Somehow this situation feels similar. If I have to go through some kind of crazy convolutions to even get into a position where I would be able to talk to him to tell him I like him, then I think that kind of tells me what I need to know.
I’m just going to let it ride for the time being. I am in the middle of making a big career/life/education decision so I’m going to focus on that, and maybe work from home or a different office for a week or two so I don’t have to deal with seeing him and trying to parse his behavior, or sitting in the office wishing he would come in while he obdurately stays at home. I have found that sometimes if you just wait, information comes up that clarifies things considerably, so that could happen here – I’m not saying it will lead to the unicorn farm, but it might lead to some closure.
@Midteen, FWIW I think you may be right (as in, I’ve been there myself). In any case, I think you’ve made yourself availible enough for him to feel comfortable approaching you in case he does feel something. So yeah, maybe it’s time to back off, but keep an open mind…
@Midteen – I think you were perfectly right to do what you’ve done so far, and I think you’re perfectly right now to let it go. You gave it a fair shot, so it’s not on you. It’s his loss.
Hi Nation, not sure if anyone is checking this thread any more, but I have an incremental update. After he didn’t respond to my chat a couple of weeks ago I decided to try my best to focus on other stuff. I was even going to avoid the office for a couple of weeks so I wouldn’t be tempted to parse his every nuance. But, he is NEVER in the office on Monday, so I went in that Monday. And, he was there. I was actually kind of pissed, because I wasn’t prepared to deal with him. So, I erected a virtual wall so I wouldn’t have to interact with him (virtual wall consisted of keeping my back to the cubicle aisle and blasting music through my headphones).
Midday I thought I heard something behind me, so I turned around, and it was him knocking on my cube, asking if I wanted to go for coffee. I was all like “yeah, I guess so,” but I was thinking “why? Why can’t you either like me or just leave me alone?”
So, we went down to the coffee stand and when I got my card out to pay for mine, he kind of stepped forward and cut his arm across in front of me with his card and said “no, I’m buying.” Which seemed a little datey, ya know? So, anyway, we had coffee and chatted a little, but I was feeling pretty stung about the non-response on Friday so I wasn’t all that chatty. I also figured I didn’t need to update the Nation, because it was just a $4 cup of coffee, not a confession of undying devotion.
He wasn’t in on Tue/Wed. On Thursday I worked from home, but had a conference call with him and one other person. Before the other person got on, he asked how I was doing and was very solicitous when I said I was kind of ‘meh.’ He wanted to know what was wrong, so I said I would fill him in the next time I saw him (what’s wrong, besides the fact that I was giving up hope on him, is that work really sucks – I think I’m close to escaping, but it can’t happen fast enough). I then said “I mean, I’ll fill you in if you want to hear about it.” To which he said “yes, I do want to know what’s going on with you.”
Well, that seemed kind of engaged and interested … hard to say whether it was friendly or romantic, but it was definitely sweet.
Anyway, fast forward to this week … he wasn’t in on Monday, but he was there on Tuesday. I now can’t even remember what all we talked about during the day, but there was much cubeside bantering and fun (and he asked if my cats sleep with me – significant?) I wound up giving him a ride home and on the way home he asked what has been eating me, said it was obvious to him that I wasn’t happy at work, asked if I thought they had misled me into taking the job (he was on my interview team) and asked if I thought I had made a horrible mistake in taking the job.
So, that led to my pretty much telling him the whole sordid mess but also that getting into such an awful place with my work had forced me to really think about how I want to spend my time and that it was prompting me to take action to make some significant changes in my life. I also mentioned that there might turn out to be a silver lining (which would be him) but I was all cryptic about it.
A couple things that jumped out at me: when he said it was obvious that I was unhappy, I asked if it was THAT obvious to everyone, and he said “no, I just think it’s obvious to me, but that’s because we have a friendship that goes beyond work” and then later when I said that the only thing in the Pro column about my current work situation is that the pay is good, he said “well, you and I are a lot alike, I think, and I know for me, money’s no good if you’re miserable.”
He was in again on Wed and we wound up talking a lot – not deep stuff because we were in the office, but we had some nice laughs and connection points.
So, what do you all think? This was the first time I had had such an open conversation with him, and I was really impressed with how supportive and kind he was. It made me hopeful, but I don’t want to read too much in (though of course I will). I do think that at the very least it cements the friendship at a deeper level.
Well, I say things sound like they’re looking up. Clearly he feels like you have SOME sort of relationship. Keep us posted, and keep an open mind! He may just be taking his time.
Man, talk about mixed signals. Maybe he *is* just oblivious? I know I am sometimes… if you still want to go for it, I’d say go for it, but I also don’t have the best record on such things… Ask him to something outside of work? And then follow the advice if this Dinosaur Comic? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2287
Or someone else can probably advise better!
I normally just lurk but since no one else has posted a followup comment here, this is my feedback! It’s great that you’ve somewhat reconnected, because now this gives you an even better lead-in rather than all coming at it from out of the blue. And the best part is, you can be totally honest about it. “hey I’m really glad we’ve had a chance to connect more outside of work, because I really enjoy our conversations. It’s true that I am unhappy with the current work situation, but at least I got to get to know you! aaaaaand segue right into the “is it possible we might become more than friends? if not, I treasure our friendship as it is blah blah consolation cakes”
Or, or! This was my approach with now-husband because sometimes it’s easier to just tell the truth so I was like “you know, I really enjoy spending time with you.” and he was like (surprised) “I do to! I mean, with you!” and then we smiled at each other and made plans to do more of that. So you don’t necessarily have to lay your heart on the line, but at leaaaaaast make it clear you’d like to see more of him, intentionally, not just when the coffee cart fairy deigns to appear and line things up for you.
Midteen, I’m beginning to think that *your* messages to him are as mixed as his to you – of course it’s possible that he’s not interested in you that way, but it’s also possible that he may be sitting there now, wondering whether you are just being friendly or mean more. Elisa’s suggestions for opening lines are good, and there were many other good ones upthread. Now it’s really time to pick a couple of those, and use them!
Thanks all, I am somewhat encouraged, but man, it would be nice to know for sure one way or another. RC, I could bake up some date cookies and see where that gets me. Or, I might just blurt something out sometime soon.
WordMaven, it’s interesting you should say that because a good guy friend said pretty much the same thing when I poured this story out to him and his wife (who’s also a good friend). He said this all sounds really familiar to him b/c he is/was socially awkward and did/said the types of things this guy is doing when he liked women in the past.
And, then he said that I’m not helping because I’m throwing out mixed signals when I get all wrapped around the axle and awkward myself; then I’m not friendly and it comes across as mixed. So, I’m going to try to be consistently friendly, but I am also going to try to blurt something out soon – it looks like I am about 3 weeks from a new job, so there’s a limited time for horrible awkwardness if it goes badly.
I think you either have to blurt it out and be prepared to reap the whirlwind or write it off completely (by which I mean divesting yourself of any romantic expectations and dialing back your friendship to a work-appropriate level and nothing more). This back-and-forth stuff is…not productive, to say the least.
I’m getting an uncomfortable vibe that he wants to be the one controlling the interactions and signals between you two, maybe for no reason more romantic than him liking the attention (many a guy kept a younger and more foolish me on the string this way). He was the one who went dark on you after you contacted him outside his apartment a while back, right? That was squirrelly enough, but now he’s all into you again? Dude’s a head case and he’s turning you into one (no offense). If I were single and a guy played these games with me, I’d cut him loose.
And yes, I’m fully aware that if I ever am back on the market my yet-to-be-acquired cats will be my best and only companions.
SPM, thanks for the feedback. I agree I need to do something, but I don’t think he’s a fuckwit mixed signals type. I think he *might* be a neurotic, can’t-get-off-the-dime, mixed signals type but my jury is still out. It’s true he didn’t respond to my chat when I was in his neighborhood (not outside his apartment – he lives downtown, and I was visiting an office building downtown) but I can’t judge everything on that since I don’t know the cause.
There are indications that he’s job-hunting, and I am definitely job-hunting … so, planning to hold off until I’m not his co-worker any more, but I am getting annoyed at the glacial pace of hiring decisions. Don’t these people know I have a personal agenda to move forward??
In the meantime I have managed to unwrap myself from around the axle enough to be ready to deal with whatever outcome. I don’t think he’s a fuckwit, but if he turns out to be, that’s actually the easiest to deal with. The outcome I’m most afraid of is that he will turn out to be as awesome as he seems to be but not interested in me. But, it will be whatever it will be.
Dude! You need to make this happen. Do not wait for work stuff to shake out, because who knows how long that will take? I agree with Elisa and Elle and your male friend. You and this guy are BOTH giving each other mixed signals up the wazoo. Just ASK HIM OUT.
If you think to yourself, “But if he really liked me he would have asked me out already,” that’s silly, because you like him and you haven’t asked him out.
I happened to be reading a recent Carolyn Hax column before I checked on this thread, which was about whether women should ask men out. Carolyn’s basic answer was that despite cultural programming, there are tons of reasons a man might not make a move on a woman he likes. Stop trying to guess what he’s thinking and just ask.
It seems like you have a lot to gain and not much to lose, so go for it.
B, yeah, I thought through the whole “tell him I like him while we’re still working together” scenario and I decided it would be unprofessional and possibly damaging to the friendship to do it.
The problem is, what if he’s not interested that way and what if he doesn’t handle it well, and then what if *I* don’t handle it well (like what if, despite my best effort to rein it in, I cry). I have then dumped this completely unexpected workplace complexity on someone who is already working in a pressure cooker, has to collaborate with me very frequently, and is on the same 4-person team. It’s not that I think he would report me to HR or anything like that, it’s just that I don’t want to be a person who delivers a big problem to his doorstep.
The other thing is that just asking him to do something with me doesn’t really give me enough info because I DID ask him, and he said no, but continues to act interested – which either means he’s not interested but for some reason sends out ‘I like you’ signals, or he IS interested, but for some reason didn’t want to get together with me that weekend.
So, really the only way to know for sure is to say “look, I really like you ‘that way,’ do you like me back?” And, IMO, that carries a bigger risk of workplace drama.
What I AM doing is being conscious about what signals I send, so I’m not muddying the waters by sending mixed signals myself – if he does like me, that will help move things along while I wait for work to shake out and if he doesn’t like me, it might make my intentions clear enough for him to telegraph his not-interested intentions more clearly.
That said, there was a veeery interesting incident in the elevator the other day … makes me think there really might be something going on.
1. What happened in the elevator?!
2. Maybe this will be a good push to get out of your current work situation, since you want that anyway?
Anyway, I suspect I am not the only nerd still checking this thread. We’re still rooting for you!
Thanks B – I am working like crazy to get a new job … really close, but on a final interview last week, they basically said “yes, we want to make an offer, but we won’t have our budget figured out for another 30 days, so please don’t take any other offers without checking with us first.” Nice that they seem to want me, but I don’t WANNA wait another month. Argh!!
Re the elevator: we wound up stuff into a crowded elevator, shoulder to shoulder, so I decided to invade his space a bit to see how he would react (figuring a pulling away or flinching would indicate either lack of interest, or weirdness about touching, or anyway nothing too positive).
Anyway, I leaned in to him a little so we went from just brushing arms to actually pressed together, and he didn’t move away … then, after a few people left I figured I needed to shift a bit into the newly opened up space or it would just be weird, so I did, so we were no longer touching, but then HE shifted into me so he was pressed up against me again. All the while we both stared resolutely ahead. Then the elevator opened and he bolted, talking about how he had to get back to his desk and check his calendar. It was kind of hot, and I don’t think it was an accident …
Re the elevator – okay, I’ll grant that does sound like a thing, because absolutely NO ONE stands that close in an elevator when there’s empty space unless it’s deliberate. But I don’t get his reaction. It’s almost as if he likes you against his will, or he can’t handle liking you. He doesn’t have a girlfriend stashed away somewhere, does he?
I say next time challenge his personal space even more – a la the Top Gun elevator scene. See if he can take it. If he bolts again…that’s telling.
@SPM – I haven’t seen Top Gun, but I’ll see if I can find the scene on YouTube … I’m curious. That said, please keep in mind that I don’t want to get fired for sexual harassment :)
If he DOES have a girlfriend he has done an amazing job of hiding evidence of her from his coworkers for 4 years, and from me for almost 2 years. Word on the street has always been that he lives alone and is unattached, and he himself has said that he has never been married. Given that I had to focus hard to stop from hyperventilating when I was doing my half of the space-invasion dance, I don’t think it’s that odd that he would freak out immediately afterward.
A friend told me that her now-husband confessed that in the early days of their courtship he used to have to excuse himself to throw up, he was so nervous. I don’t think my friend is that shy, but I think he is at least a little shy.
The tone of our interactions has been changing a bit in the past couple of weeks, so I’m interested to see what happens next.
Good heavens–this is getting ver-ry interesting! You have some of us out here on tenterhooks, awaiting your next post.
Aaaah dude, just make out with him already!
…er… I mean… no… don’t… you should, like, be professional and stuff…
Midteen, I come here every second day or so to see how things are going with you so please keep on updating us! My love-life hasn’t seen daylight since approximately the iron age so I may be living vicariously slightly. But this is so much fun! I can’t wait for the happy ending I am sure will come.