The Vine: August 29, 2012
I can’t decide if I should try for something, or just let it go and figure it wasn’t meant to be. And if I do try, how?
I have been on a team at work for about 20 months; about 6 months ago realized that a co-worker is really neat — kind, funny, similar life outlook, we have great conversations, etc. There are many indications that he is a gem. There are also some signs that the interest is mutual. He definitely likes me, but my jury is out as to whether he likes me or just likes me. FWIW I have always thought he was a nice guy but until earlier this year thought he was much, much younger. I am cursing the timing on this now.
For unrelated reasons I have been trying to get off this team and into another job for the past 6-7 months. When I realized I liked him I figured I could stay in touch after transferring, maybe be more obvious about my feelings, and see where it might go. Under normal circumstances I would have transferred a while ago and would have had some time to let the thing with him progress naturally and get a better idea whether it has legs, but the job market, even internally at my company, has been pretty sucky lately.
About a month ago our boss mentioned in a meeting that sweet/funny coworker is planning to move back to his home country. When we had some time alone I asked him about it directly. The upshot is that he’s homesick, he has an aging, possibly senile parent; he misses other family and friends and his work/life balance sucks in ways that it wouldn’t at home. Also, though he didn’t say it directly, he implied that he’s lonely and disappointed that he never found a partner over here in the US. If all goes as planned he’ll leave in slightly under 2 months.
In a subsequent conversation he said that the next time I visit his home city (a city I have visited several times, and love, which he knows) I should know that I have a place to stay and that he would like to show me around. So, nice that he wants to keep in touch, but…
Should I tell him how I feel before he leaves? Should I ask him if he wants to date me before he leaves? Is there any point? If he weren’t leaving I would have been happy to wait to see how things unfold, but now there’s no time and I don’t want to kick myself later because I didn’t have the guts to do something, but I also don’t want to act like a crazy person over something that may or may not have potential.
In other circumstances I might hang back a bit and see if he makes a move (and also to just let things develop naturally), but it’s hard to know if he’s not asking me out because he doesn’t like me that way, or because a) we’re co-workers and b) he’s a self-professed nerd and a bit socially awkward and c)he’s leaving the country soon.
I just don’t even know how to present what I am feeling because it comes down to, “Hi, I like you and hope that something could work out in the next 2 months that could enable us to see if anything could work out over the long term, so, uh, do you want to go get a drink?” I don’t know how to say this in a non-crazy-sounding way.
For what it’s worth, I am financially secure enough to have some flexibility about where I live and work, and will have even more freedom if a project I’m working on now pans out over the next year or so, so it’s not completely cuh-ray-zay to think that if we were a good fit, things could work out longer term, but nevertheless I feel crazy for even thinking that far ahead. On the other hand I have so much fun with him and he’s so sweet and I am going to miss him horribly when he leaves.
Believe it or not, we’re both in our forties, but it seems that one is perpetually 14 in situations like this.
Hoping you and the Nation might have some suggestions for me.
Thanks!
Midlife Teenager
Dear Midteen,
As my dad once told me when I was hopping around by the phone like I had to pee, psyching myself up to call a boy and ask him to a dance, “The worst he could say is yes.” Heh.
Okay, for real now. This leaped out at me:
…it comes down to, “Hi, I like you and hope that something could work out in the next 2 months that could enable us to see if anything could work out over the long term, so, uh, do you want to go get a drink?” I don’t know how to say this in a non-crazy-sounding way.
That isn’t that crazy-sounding, and even if it is, who cares? Okay, maybe HR cares, but that’s a short-term problem and you can find ways around it if you need to. It sort of reminds me of that line from A Tree Grows in Brooklyn where Francie’s mom says, “I hate all those flirty-birty games that women make up. Life’s too short. If you ever find a man you love, don’t waste time hanging your head and simpering. Go right up to him and say, ‘I love you. How about getting married?'” I mean, you aren’t simpering as far as I can see and I wouldn’t barge up to him at the coffeemaker with a proposal, obvi, but the “life’s too short” part is key, especially in your case. Asking to speak to him privately towards the end of the workday and saying, “Look, this is awkward, but the meter is running on your time in the country, so the hell with it: I like you That Way and I want to see if there’s anything there. Will you go on a date with me?” is going to suck and you will shred your cuticles over it, but it’s going to give you information you need. Either he’s going to tell you he likes you but he doesn’t Like You Like You, which stings, but at least you know and you can move on to the next thing; or he’s going to Like You Like You but think it’s off-putting that you got direct about your feelings, which isn’t really workable and it’s better you figure that out now; or he’s like, sweet, let’s go on a date.
And then things could go any number of different directions, but difficult though it is to resist brain-doodling about this stuff, try not to get ahead of yourself. It’s normal to do, you will do it anyway, but give yourself 30 seconds to daydream-move to his daydream country and work with him on the daydream unicorn farm the two of you own together while eating nothing but chocolate and hope, and when it’s about to get rated-R in your head, snap yourself out of it. One thing at a time. You don’t have to present your able-to-move credentials to him during the appetizer course, or make your case.
And this is the other thing: if you feel yourself having to make a case for why it could work out, or talk him into it at all in terms of taking a chance, it’s no go. If he’s willing to see where things go, and you get a good vibe, great — but if you feel like you’re in a pitch meeting, pack it in. Ordinarily I would make more of the fact that he hasn’t actually made a move as an indicator here, because in my experience, a guy who really likes you will make that known. If he’s socially maladroit, that’s the manner in which he will make it known…but it will become known. In Co-Worker’s case, it’s maybe a workplace issue, and/or a “why start something when I only have 8 weeks left here” issue, so I give that part less weight, but relationships that start out with you talking the other party into giving it a try really never stop feeling that effortful and shitty.
In other words, ‘nad up, invite him out on a Date Date, and give it a chance — but only the one chance. I can trace probably 65% of my grievous romantical errors to “the timing is terrible, but…” Sometimes, ain’t no “but.” It’s just terrible timing, and you ignore it at your peril. The timing here could lead to a wonderful connection that you’d never have forged if a ticking clock hadn’t forced you to make a move or wonder forever, and LDRs and international affairs of this type work out all the time; if you become partners, you find a way. But don’t worry about that part now, and if he’s already got his boxers in a knot about that part, get on OKCupid and find someone else.
Tags: boys (and girls)
@Midteen – the scene I was referring to has absolutely no physical contact, so you’re safe on that front:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLLcIKJRpWY
Any progress?
Yay, developments! I sort of accidentally came back here again, and now I’ve been rewarded with not only a great work break but a boost for not giving up hope.
Thanks all – progress is glacial, unfortunately, but I think there is some progress. He has a roof leak and has been working from home all week in order to deal with repair people so I have not seen him. But, we had a hilarious hour-long IM chat the other night, and I got bold enough to offer my guest room if the roof leak doesn’t get resolved soon.
I doubt he’ll take me up on it, but it was nice to see that he was pleased by the offer, rather than freaked out. And, the chat included some silly double-entendres from him, so that was encouraging. I was going to talk to him about the local haunted house to try to drum up some interest and maybe see we could go to it together, but he hasn’t been present much in the past few days, even virtually, so there’s not much opportunity.
I will be very surprised if he relocates before the end of the year at this point – the absolute soonest will be December, but that’s even looking dicey now … so, I have more time.
@SPM – that’s totally hot … I think my friend and I would need to reach a higher state of unspoken but mutually agreed to lust for that to happen … but you never know.
Hi diehard followers of this thread – an encouraging update this week.
I came to some big career decisions earlier this week and really wanted to share my news with him (not taking the new job, going in a completely different direction, quitting the hated job in a few months, going back to school) and also to check in with him about his plans and how he’s doing generally given the various stresses that are going on in his life. I contrived to give him a ride home, during which we hit most of the topics, but there was still a lot to talk about.
So, as we were pulling up in front of his place, I interrupted him to say that I really, really needed to pee and that also, I wanted to keep talking and did he want to grab a beer. He said he couldn’t go for a beer because he had plans for the evening, but that I could come in to use his bathroom. I figured at the least I would get to see how he lives, and was prepared to just pit stop and then run (although I did put 30 minutes on the parking meter – heh).
After I peed he asked me if I wanted a tour, then after I had the tour and I was looking at his books, we got another topic started so he asked if I wanted to sit and chat for a bit (he also said that his thing later was an appointment – I guess that’s better than its being a date). We talked for a little over an hour, about a wide range of fairly personal stuff. It might have gone on longer, but I didn’t want to overstay and I was supposed to be meeting some friends later myself and wanted to check in and see what that plan was.
As I was getting ready to leave he said it was really fun and that if I wanted to talk to him more about all this I should know that he’s always available to me. I couldn’t quite get up the nerve to hug him, but it was all very warm and nice and fun and was definitely more intimate than any conversation we have had before. And, it’s really, really clear that he likes me a whole lot in SOME way …
Unless a miracle happens with the offer for his current position (which is very unlikely because he has escalated it quite high already with no resolution) he’s not going to be out of here until early 2013, so … more time for me to get to know him.
Oh, and I already know for sure he’s straight, but if I didn’t, his apartment is very obviously that of a straight man.
Also, just realized – the Vine is still running, so I am assuming Sars is not under water. Happy for that, and hope Sars’ family, friends, and neighbors are doing OK.
Glad to read your latest update, Midteen. A number of us check the Vine daily to see what’s happening with you. Thanks for mentioning Sars–one would hope she is okay, and hopefully she will write something about it eventually. Not to put too fine a point on it, her first-hand account of 9/11 was one of the most compelling things I ever read about that day because it was so personal.
Hi guys! Sorry to make you worry; there’s a Sandy discussion thread on the homepage that I checked into regularly. Short version: it got windy, the power blinked a few times, and some patio chairs were a little embarrassed, but up here at the top of Brooklyn, that was it. (Well, our mom’s out-of-state birthday celebration got cancelled, which sucks, but I spent my plane-ticket refund on donations.)
I doubt I’ll write a first-hand account because…nothing happened, fortunately. But the Sandy thread is here: https://tomatonation.com/stories-true-and-otherwise/oh-sandy-your-frankenstorm-open-thread/
And my rant on Monkey See about cancelling the marathon is here: http://www.npr.org/blogs/monkeysee/2012/11/02/164185469/the-new-york-city-marathon-is-not-post-sept-11-baseball-and-more-reasons-to-canc
(And I update on Twitter regularly: @tomatonation)
On topic: Midteen, pull the trigger.
Midteen, Sars is right: next time just grab any pretext to show non-threatening affection, and see what happens. It worked for me back then.
Hi all, glad to hear Sars is OK, and I hope that still holds true after the Nor’easter.
I think my friend is a slow burn and I’m enjoying the ride (hee) so I’m not going to make any sudden moves, I’m going to just let things unfold. It has become fun again.
Hey all, in case anyone is still checking … progress. Incremental progress, but progress. Lately I have been giving him rides home pretty consistently whenever we’re both in the office and I’m headed back home after work. It has become just kind of the thing we do, and we have had some great chats that way. He has bought me a few more coffees, and accompanied me on a fun errand one day after work.
But mostly, things have just gotten a lot more interactive and familiar and, for lack of a better word, intimate. He’s shared stuff about his family and background, he has shown some serious interest in the important stuff of my life, we have developed some in-jokes (including a very long-running one about unicorns, oddly enough).
And, I am headed out tomorrow for the east coast for T-giving, then this weekend I leave from there on a crazy 2 week+ adventure to a very remote part of the world. I finagled a short visit to his place this evening to borrow DVDs for the trip because I’m going somewhere where there is no streaming video (and probably only sporadic power). It was fun to see what he picked out for me – most of which I expect to like.
He has let it slip that he’s worried about my safety, although he is also really excited for me that I’m going on the trip. I am really curious to see if absence makes his heart grow fonder. Maybe I’ll have something more concrete to report in a few weeks.
Yay world adventuring! Have an awesome time and let us know how everything goes!
Baby steps! This is all encouraging, and YES, a number of us appear to be continuing our obsessive checking.
(obsessively checking)
Same here :-)
Still checking here, too!
Hi All, I am back from my adventure, but nothing new to report yet. We were both in the office on Tuesday and had some nice chats, then I gave him a ride home but I haven’t seen him since then and he has been pretty scarce even online.
He did say he would love to see my pictures and maps and hear my stories and we’re going to set up a time for that, but it might not be until after the holidays because he’s heading out in a week to visit his home country for two weeks and appears to be pretty busy until then. I’m going to invite him over before he goes, but not sure if he’s going to take me up on it … we’ll see. Either things are still moving really slowly or they have stalled, not sure which.
He’s still wrangling his departure date, which now sounds like it will be March at the earliest.
I am now imagining the perfect holiday gift for The Vine readers: Midteen invites this dude over to look at her travel pics* and they wind up making out on the couch and professing their undying love. Hooray!
*If I have learned anything from FB, it’s that nobody really cares about anyone else’s travel pics. This is just an excuse for him to hang out with you!
B, you might be right, but the Nation (or those of the Nation who are still tuned in) will have to wait a little while. Things definitely warmed back up this week, and we have had some fun conversations and drives home, but there was no time between my return and his holiday departure for the travel pic review, so we agreed to do it after he returns.
The good news is that I made it clear that I want to have him over, and he made it clear that he wants to come over … seems like a good sign since he could have easily dodged and just asked me to send him a link or suggested I show him the pics at work or something.
But still … sloooowwwww…
Also, we had a discussion about things can go wrong when people are dating then break up and still have to do stuff together (in the case of our discussion, continue to be in a band together). He was so quick to point out the potential for drama that it made me wonder if he is holding off on anything blatantly romantic because we’re working together.
Or, you know, he’s holding off because he just doesn’t like me that way, but soon I’ll know, either way because I’m only going to be working with him for another couple of months.
He asked about my timetable for leaving the job, but that might have been because I had been talking about how much I hate my job.
Baby steps, Nation, but it’s moving forward. He is back from his Christmas visit to his home country and we have made plans for him to come over next weekend to look at the pictures from my adventure. And, he asked specifically to come over on the weekend … seems promising because he could have just tried to shoehorn it in some day after work if he wasn’t that interested.
We also had a conversation about my future in which I mentioned that relocating might be a part of it … when he asked where, all I could say was that I don’t know for sure yet, but I am open to leaving my current city. I couldn’t quite say “your home country” without preamble, but I wanted to get it out there that I’m not glued to where I am now. He seemed pretty interested in the topic, but it was kind of strange to be having the convo, given the subtext.
I do realize that some people get together and break up in the time it has taken me to get to a quasi date, but it has been fun.
Yay!!!
Yay indeed! You do realize that we will now be waiting with bated breath for a recap of whatever transpires this weekend? Good.
OK WordMaven, but don’t kill me – it’s actually going to be NEXT weekend. He asked if that would be OK because he just got back Monday and, being an introvert, needs some time at home to vacuum and do laundry and recover from travel. I’m just thrilled that it was his idea to do it on the weekend, so I’ll work with that. But, the Nation will have to wait … again.
Yay, updates! Fingers crossed for not so much picture-looking but instead makeouts. And then of course he’ll have to come over the following weekend to attempt to look at the photos again :)
Eh, things aren’t looking so great. Today I asked if he wants to come over on Saturday (that we would meet this weekend having already been established) and his response was that he would have to get back to me because he might already have plans for Saturday. He then went on to say that he is really looking forward to seeing my pictures.
So, it seems that maybe he really does want to see my pictures, but seeing me is not much of a priority – I dunno, it seems like if it were, he wouldn’t have already scheduled something else for the weekend.
Since I am pretty close to exiting the workplace, and he has been in the office only a day or two a week lately, I think it’s time to just tell him how I feel and then deal with the result. I don’t think the result is going to be happy news, but if we have the conversation then at least I can get started with the moving on process … which I maybe should have started months ago, but up until recently I really did think there was something there. Not sure what happened – maybe it wasn’t ever there or maybe something changed on his end.
:( sorry, Midteen. I would say just say it. Then at least you know. And you’re a totally awesome person so if he’s not into you then it’s his loss, dammit! But at least you’ll have all the cards on the table, and like you said, you can move on.
(…may have gone through something similar recently)
Good luck!
Thanks RC. After the convo in the morning where he said he might have other plans he waited for me after our organizational meeting, and, I realize now, tried to hang out with me afterwards, but I was in a “he doesn’t want to spend time with me” mindset and missed all the cues and kind of blew him off (not rudely, but just said I had stuff to do and I would see him later and went off in my own direction). But, even after that, after he had said bye and that he would see me the next day, he came back about 15 minutes later and found me and hung out with me until I had to leave.
If this were anyone-else I would flag him as a come-here/go-away boy, but he’s too nice and he doesn’t give off that attention-loving stink. I was so confused that I broke down and googled about social and dating customs in his home country Apparently in his home country, men hardly ever do the asking-out, and nothing is left to implication – everything is explicit, not just in dating, but in all social and business interactions. And, things are planned precisely and far in advance.
If he hadn’t come back looking for me at the end of the day, I would still go with the “he’s not interested” assumption, but when I think back, every time I have asked him to get together, he has had an explicit reason why he couldn’t, but then has invited me to get coffee with him, or otherwise sought me out at the next opportunity.
So maybe when he says “I can’t do that because I have this other thing going on,” he means just that and expects me to follow up with “Ok, well, how about this instead?” Whereas I’m thinking that he’s just politely blowing me off and that it would be rude to follow up with an alternative so I drop the subject.
Anyway, we now have an actual, firm plan for this coming Saturday, although still under the pretext of looking at pix. Also, I emailed a friend who lives in his home country for dating advice … maybe she can shed some light on their crazy customs! Don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner.
How interesting about the customs in his home country. That really does seem to put things in perspective. Good luck! Be bold!
OK – squee – developments.
I had a horrible day at work today. Long story, but it involves a crazy boss. I really wanted to talk to him about it so I chatted him and asked if he would be in tomorrow, and explained why I was asking. He said he wouldn’t be in until Thursday but that if I really needed to talk I could call him that evening. He even gave me his land line number.
I called, we talked, for about an hour. He is an awesome listener, but also had some great practical suggestions and was also funny, which lightened my mood considerably (the situation at work is bad enough that I cried several times during the convo, which didn’t freak him out at all).
As we were winding up the call he said something about how he misses the water cooler conversations because he’s never in the office, but then said that our conversations are about so much more than work, then said ‘speaking of that, did you … were you … did you want to … um … ‘
I thought he couldn’t possibly be trying to ask about Saturday because we had already made that plan, so it wasn’t like there was any reason to be shy about it, but he was acting like the shy guys in college acted when they wanted to ask someone out for coffee (all ‘so, ah, um, er … did you … would you … COFFEE???’)
Anyway, finally he blurted out ‘Saturday?’ and we came up with an actual time, and he asked for my address and we talked about the various dinner options in my neighborhood and ended the call on a very warm note. Nation, I believe we might actually have a date going on here.
Hurrah!
Okay, next steps: Go on date. Confirm that it is a date. Enjoy. Report back.
Aaaaah yay!! What B said!
Great! Go Midteen!
Go get ‘im, Midteen. Exciting!
Hi Nation … well, we had the convo, and while there’s nothing bad, there’s no happy rom-com ending. We had a nice evening, but not a romantic one. We had some great conversations about ourselves and connected more emotionally, but still … it all seemed more friendly than romantic.
Anyway, late in the evening he said that he thinks we both have a habit of isolating ourselves and that we should spend more time together and do stuff together before he leaves the country. I agreed, and realized that it really was time to just tell him how I feel.
So, after a bit of hemming and hawing, I said that I think he’s awesome, and that it has meant the world to me that he has been so supportive and sweet, and I really feel a connection to him and will miss him when he leaves. I then went on to say that I wasn’t sure exactly what I was asking for but that I wanted him to know my feelings.
His response was that I’m special to him, and he feels connected too, and he really values our friendship and that he is going to miss me, but right now he has been working hard to detach from here. He said that he wants to spend as much time as he can with me while he’s here but he can’t offer anything beyond that because he can’t see beyond his move.
We talked a bit more – I said that this doesn’t make me like him any less, but I respect his choice and then I said something about how, to me, geography was a smaller obstacle than all the other stuff, like finding a person who’s really compatible. He agreed about the compatibility but said that if we were to try to have something, he would just be exchanging the problem of being here while so much of his life is over there, with being there and having a piece of his emotional life here.
So, anyway, I think I will try to spend as much time as I can with him before he goes, and I will continue to think he’s awesome, and who knows, maybe someday something could happen, but it’s not going to happen in this cycle.
I remember thinking, in the days that led up to yesterday, that he is such a good person and such a sweet friend, that there wasn’t really anything BAD that could happen, and it’s true, but I’m still pretty bummed out.
Midteen, I don’t know you but I’m proud of you. Well done, whatever happens next.
Good for you! Sorry it didn’t work out perfectly, but try to have some fun anyway, yeah?
Thanks Elle and B. After further reflection, I think things are OK. I have to remember that my original question was “what do I do about this guy who I really like who is leaving the country? Is there any way to see if there could be more before he leaves so maybe there could be something after he leaves?”
Viewed from that perspective, things are actually going well. He knows how I feel, I know how he feels, we have a plan to make the most of the time we have before he goes (albeit platonically) and neither of us has cut off the possibility for something later – he was just really careful not to commit to anything later now, which I think is actually what a decent person would do, unless he believed that he could make an actual commitment … and, honestly, too many things are in flux, so it’s reasonable he wouldn’t try.
I also realized that for some reason I heard “I want to spend time with you before I leave, then I want to cut off all contact,” but then realized he probably hadn’t said that … we had a quick follow up convo yesterday in which he assured me that he hadn’t said or thought anything close to that … and then we talked about when we’ll be able to play hooky from work to go see a movie.
So … it’s nerve wracking for someone like me who doesn’t handle uncertainty well, but that’s my existential problem to deal with – I think things with him are actually kind of positive. And, I’m glad that I didn’t bring this up months ago because I think if we had had the convo before we developed a bond, the answer would have been more along the lines of “you’re nice, but … ” followed by studied avoidance.
Things sound really positive! You’re both being realistic, which is how you end up having to be in a long-lasting adult relationship anyway. So as long as how you’re dealing with each other feels right to you, I think you’re in a fabulous place.
I’m in the most rewarding relationship of my life so far with a guy who is just as scientific and careful about promises as your guy (and as me myself). But as long as this unconventional relationship of mine makes sense to me and feels honest, I’m going to keep going. And it’s nearly 3 years now.
So, still excited! Have fun, Midteen.
How are things going with the Taking Things as They Come approach, Midteen? It sounded like you were both in a state of professional flux, so your revised attitude seemed a good approach. Let us know if there are any developments.
Thanks Haze. WordMaven, things are OK. Now that things are out on the table, I feel pretty comfortable around him. Also, it’s nice not to have to figure out what his behavior means, since I know he likes me.
The most significant development is that he finally got his relocation offer and I got notice that I can enter school in April, so, for both of us, we’re close to being in better circumstances.
I have consistently told him that as much as I’ll miss him when he goes, I want him to go, because he’s not happy here, and I want him to be happy … so, I’m happy for him, and in a weird way, relieved that there is finally some forward motion because it has felt so much like limbo for the past few months while we waited for our respective things to shake out. I feel like now I can start the process of finding out what’s going to happen, now that the future has actually started, if that makes any sense.
As for the rest, I’ll just have to see what develops, or doesn’t.
Hi All, Midteen here again. Sars said it was OK to post this so far after the fact – not sure if anyone will see it, but in case anyone is checking, I have a significant update.
When I last posted, I had told him that I liked him, he said that I was really special to him too but that he didn’t want to try to start a relationship while so many things were in flux. At the time he said that he wanted to spend time together before he left, but couldn’t commit to anything past his departure.
That all sounded at least a little encouraging, but was followed by a very discouraging period in which I would suggest we do something and he would turn me down. After the third or fourth attempt, I started to feel as if I was more invested than he was, so I just stopped contacting him for about 2 weeks, and, because he was never in the office, didn’t run into him at work either. It was really depressing, but I didn’t really think there was much I could do but accept that he wasn’t going to let anything happen.
Fast forward to early March – I got the word that there was a spot for me in the technical training program I wanted to enter, and, almost simultaneously, he got the relocation offer he wanted. I’m not sure what happened on his end, but something shifted in his behavior towards me – he was more attentive and available, and started asking me to do stuff with him.
So, for the past 6 weeks or so we have been having a lot of fun together and have also shared more and more stuff about ourselves, in the way that you do with someone you’re romantically interested in. But, still, in the back of my mind, I was smarting from his earlier rejections and wondering if he was the kind of guy who can only be interested when there is no chance of commitment (like, you know, when you know you’re leaving the country in a month or two). Also, even though he was more forthcoming than before, he is still not the most expressive guy, so I still wasn’t sure if he still thought of me as special or was just being friendly.
Meanwhile, I left my wretched job and started school, and he finalized his departure date.
Fast forward to this week. He planned his moving-out activities badly and had to move our last dinner out by two days, with short notice. I got really pissed off at him, but it also made me realize that I was really invested and that if he wasn’t it might be a good time to just wish each other well and detach. So, the conversation about how pissed off I was became a conversation about how much I cared and how frustrating he had been to deal with because it seemed like he didn’t.
But, hooray, he DOES care. I am so good at playing it cool that he had no idea how hurt I was by his earlier reticence, which, as it turns out, wasn’t about me, but was about paralysis brought on by being in limbo. Anyway, long story short, we each see the other as irreplaceable and will really miss each other and see this as goodbye for now, not goodbye forever. I didn’t ask about a commitment because it didn’t seem necessary – seems like it will come when the time is right (after he gets his feet under him in his home country, I think) and meanwhile he’ll be back here in about 2.5 months and wants me to come stay with him on school break once he is settled. It doesn’t hurt that my school program has 16 weeks of break a year. So, no unicorn farm yet, but I’m really happy about how things are going, and, except for missing him, feel really good about the future.
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Hooray, Midteen! Thanks for ALL these updates. So brave in every way.
Yay Midteen! I followed the comments on this one closely as it was similar to my own potentially developing relationship, except mine was online with someone I’d never met. I’m happy y’all were finally able to talk about it and that it’s not goodbye forever. Y’all seem like a good match.
Well! As you can see, Midteen, I’ve still got your adventure on my mind. And I’m tickled pink to see this update. Happiness!
Yay!! I’m not the only one to be periodically checking back here. Good luck with your program, and be sure to invite us over for drinks at your unicorn farm sometime :)
P.S. Just wanted to also say: you give us all hope!
Thanks all – I give myself hope. I had kind of started to give up on guys and then it turned out that a really amazing one was sitting 8 feet away from me. He’s now more like 8000 miles away, give or take a couple thousand, but he’s still wonderful and he gets better every time I talk to him.
Just checked this site on a whim, and look at what has happened! OMG–persistence paid off for you, Midteen! You do give everyone hope. Wish there was a way for you to give your “fans” periodic updates, but no matter what, know that there is a small, but interested cadre of supporters who wish you well.
Just wanted to let you know that I’m still checking back in for updates, too. Happy to hear the good news!
Awww, yay!