Hey Sars,

Okay, my problem is: I need to get laid. I know this
isn’t a big problem (or an uncommon one), but it’s
been causing me some grief lately.

There’s this guy, you see. I’m not in love with him,
but I’d really like to do him. It’s not that he’s not
a nice guy — we get along well and I think he’s pretty
cool. I just don’t like him in That Way. I am,
however, lusting after him in the worst way. It’s
rather disconcerting, actually, I’ve never felt this
primal-lust-type thing before. Yay hormones.

We flirt, and I’ve seen him checking me out (or
appearing to in any case) quite a few times, so unless
I’ve got it completely wrong, there is some sort of
attraction there.

My problem is: How do I let him know? I want to
suggest a fuck-buddy-type relationship with him, but I
don’t know how to go about it, mostly because I
haven’t got the guts to just spring “So, wanna screw?”
on him. And getting drunk and just going for it is not
an option, because I don’t drink and I’d prefer it if
it didn’t just “happen,” because the situation might
be ambiguous that way.

I also should say, he is seeing a girl at the moment,
but it’s not serious. The last I heard, they hadn’t
kissed and they’ve only been seeing each other for a
couple of weeks. However, if I suss out that things
are getting more serious I’ll back off without
question. I wouldn’t want to steal him off her; I
don’t want anyone to get hurt. We’re friends, so if he
finds something good with her, I’ll be happy for him.

So, what do I do? Okay, so maybe I have control issues
and it’s unrealistic to think that I can draw up a
plan and have things run to schedule, but surely
there’s something more subtle than the “So, wanna
screw?” approach, which is all I’ve managed to come up
with so far.

Yours lustfully,
Please help me get laid

Dear Help,

Before you do anything, reread what you’ve written here.It’s all “want, take, have,” and that’s not going to work.Fine, the two of you have an attraction — but feeling an attraction doesn’t mean you get to act on it, necessarily, and in any case, you don’t seem prepared to deal with the built-in unpredictabilities of an adult sexual relationship, no matter how casual.What about your friend’s feelings and what he wants?It’s awfully big of you not to want to “steal him off” the other girl, but you just assume he’d want you to try to steal him in the first place.Hello?Other people involved here besides you.

You’ve got a few choices here.You can ask him point-blank if he wants to sleep with you, which I wouldn’t advise, because it’s a bit abrupt.You can seduce him in a more traditional style and work out the terms after the fact, which I also wouldn’t advise, because frankly, that brand of diplomacy doesn’t sound like your strength.You can find another guy to sleep with, one who doesn’t have another relationship in the offing and who doesn’t mind you calling all the shots.

Or you can buy a vibrator and spend some time thinking about why you need to control the situation so tightly.I mean, it’s fine to want a no-strings sexual partner and no confusion, but that’s not how it plays out ninety-nine percent of the time, and you need to get that straight.

Dear Sars,

I met this guy.

Actually, we’ll back up a little — I met this guy last fall, during my freshman year of college.He was my first real boyfriend, and since he lived right down the hall (uh-oh, foreshadowing here) from me, everything was fine and dandy for about five months.We were best friends and lovers, spending huge amounts of time together, talking for hours.(I also gave my virginity to him.)

Everything was great until he came back from spring break and informed me that he needed to be single for a while, that he needed space and more male companionship and freedom, completely understandable things for a college person to want.We tried getting back together (rewind: I tried getting back together) but the combination of my being insecure (he told me that he was attracted to other girls and wanted to be free to flirt with them) and him avoiding me made the whole thing a complete failure.

The final breakoff was in May.The next month of college was somewhat hellish for me, because not only had I lost my best friend and my lover, but since he lived down the hall from me, I had to watch him appear to have a great time with his new friends and female companions.

My other friends all unanimously told me that since we broke up, they “had their friend back,” that I seemed so much more carefree and perky and lighthearted.I know that what they say is true, superficially; when he and I were together, the majority of my social energy was directed at him and I kind of left my other friends in the dust. (And even though sex is great, pregnancy worries aren’t great for peace of mind.)

The problem is, I’m still not over him.We’ll be living in the same dorm soon, on different floors, and I know that he’ll be on my floor a lot since that’s where some of his friends live.In May, he left the door open for a relationship in the future — a relationship that, in reality, I don’t think is going to happen, since we basically stopped talking and don’t even have a friendship anymore.I miss him, but if I go by appearances, I don’t think he misses me.(And he’s a pretty assertive guy — if he wants something or someone, he won’t hesitate to tell them.)I’m dreading living in the same space with him.

My friends say I’m better off without him, but it doesn’t do anything to calm the growing turmoil in my stomach.I’m sure he’s going to hook up with someone else, and since it’s a close-knit dorm, everyone will know about it.Is there anything to make this situation better besides patting myself on the back and repeating the phrase “builds character” through gritted teeth?

The Queen of Non-Confrontation

Dear Queen,

Move.

There’s building character, and then there’s subjecting yourself to the needless misery of proximity with the guy when what you need is space to get over him.You need to not see him or think about what he’s doing — out of sight, out of mind, et cetera.

If different living arrangements aren’t feasible, you’ll have to grit your teeth and get on with it.Go out with your friends.Go out on dates.See him flirting with other girls, allow yourself five minutes to get upset about it, and then move on to the next thing.He blew you off, and he’s not worth it — don’t let him cast a pall over your entire life.Eventually, you really won’t care what he gets up to, but in the meantime, you’ll have to pretend that you don’t care and wait for your feelings to catch up.Get started.

And do a little thinking about why you tied everything up in him — why you “kind of left your other friends in the dust,” why you felt you’d formed a “best” friendship with him after only a few months, why you tried to get back with him when he’d told you straight out that that’s not what he wanted.Don’t feel bad about any of it, mind you — you feel how you feel, and we all make mistakes.But you’ve devoted a disproportionate amount of your energy and self-esteem to the guy, and you should look at that.

Dear Sars,

I have a best friend named “Stacey.”The two of us are very close.Stacey has been seeing a guy for almost a year and a half now.Their relationship has been very rocky.She’s very much in love with him, but it wasn’t until very recently that she finally decided she’d had enough of the heartaches and hurt that he constantly leaves her with.Keep in mind, all the while I had been telling her to get rid of him!She made the decision about two weeks ago to stop seeing him, not only dating, but having no face-to-face contact at all.She said that would be the only way she’s going to have the strength to move on.I say it’s about damn time.That’s another story, though.

My problem is, this guy is the guitarist in a local band.I went with Stacey a lot to see them.I REALLY like this band, and although I think the guitarist is, bluntly, an asshole, I think the band as a whole is incredibly talented and I absolutely love their music.They will be coming to our town soon to play a show.When I found out, I immediately made plans to go see them.When Stacey found out, she had a fit.She says that as her best friend, I have no right to go to that concert, and if I do, I must not be a true friend.

I don’t understand what the problem is.I am not going to see the guy; I’m going to see the band.I don’t want to hurt Stacey, but I don’t see what the big deal is about me going to see that show.If you could give me your opinion on this, I’d be grateful.Thank you.

Kyle

Dear Kyle,

Do you not see the message gap here?”All the while” that she’s going out with the guitarist, a guy you refer to as “an asshole,” Stacey’s got you in her ear, telling her to dump him.Stacey figures, well, that’s not terribly supportive on Kyle’s part, but at least now that Guitarist and I have broken up, Kyle will have my back, because Kyle thinks Guitarist is a schmuck, right?Wrong — after over a year of haranguing her to get rid of Guitarist, you turn around and buy tickets to Guitarist’s show.So, when she wants it to work with Guitarist, you tear him down, and when she wants nothing to do with Guitarist, you decide to hang out and hear his music.

Hello?What part of that problem do you not understand?

I wouldn’t think you owed Stacey anything in the situation, unless you’d vocalized your dislike of Guitarist — which you did, repeatedly, and I think rather insensitively.By doing so, you picked a side, but now that that side is presenting a minor inconvenience for you, you don’t want to stay on it.Too bad.You wanted Stacey to dump him, and she did.Show her a bit of support for a change.

[12/19/02]

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