Sars,

After several years in a relationship, I find myself single again and feeling clueless.How soon do you think you should tell a new prospect that you DO NOT want children?I think it should be out in the open ASAP so that attachments do not get formed when one of us might be disappointed.On the other hand, it is kind of tacky to bring it up on the second date.Please advise.

Thanks, oh wise seer!

Barren by choice

Dear Barren,

I have no idea.The second date is too soon, for sure, but I don’t know when it’s a “good time” to announce something like that.

I imagine that an opportunity will present itself when you can sort of segue into the subject without making a huge deal about it.Just keep your ears open, and if he starts whispering sweet nothings about how you’ll make beautiful babies together, that’s probably your cue to tell him gently that that’s not going to happen.

In other words, I don’t think you have to put it on your business card, but when the topic comes up, better to put paid to it sooner rather than later.It’s a deal-breaker, both ways, for a lot of people.

Dear Sars,

I wonder if I can get some of your sage advice.

I’ve been living with my boyfriend of one year since we first got together. At the beginning, I was into him more than he was into me.Over time, the situation has reversed.Now, he’s the one mentioning marriage and I’m the one changing the subject.His family and friends are less than subtle about telling him to propose.While I’m flattered by the compliment of these very sweet people, I’m also nervous. There’s absolutely no way I want to marry this guy. I love Tom, but I don’t even know if I want to continue dating him.

Tom is loving, smart, and creative, but very difficult.He’s been working hard on controlling his temper, and I make a point to thank him when I see him succeeding. But he still loses his cool every day and he says hurtful things in the name of honesty.(Like how much he wants to have sex with other women.) He believes that saying he loves someone gives him free range to insult them. I see him do it to his friends and parents, too.They don’t seem bothered by it.I find myself wondering what’s wrong with me that I’m so bothered by it.

Enter a close and dear friend of his for years named John.John is over a lot; we hang out as a trio all the time, and we three get along like “butter.” John is the kind of guy I would, and have, recommended to single women everywhere.He’s awesome.I’m sitting here trying to think of a complaint to make him more realistic, but I can’t think of a thing.As you may have seen coming, John and I share a mutual attraction.We had a conversation, which I still find weirdly “adult,” where we agreed not to cross the boundary of flirtation out of respect for everyone involved.

Nothing is really wrong or bad right now.Yet, this smells like trouble with a capital T to me. I feel like I’m that guy from Quantum Leap.I’ve been sent back in time to a point where I can right a wrong that hasn’t happened yet.But I have to discover what it is first. Am I supposed to be more understanding with my boyfriend and re-ignite the flame, or break up with him before things get difficult?Am I supposed to be careful not to get too close to John (and avoid getting drunk around him — let’s not be naive here) or should I follow my feelings for him before he finds a girlfriend?How do I not hurt anyone yet remain honest with myself?

Would you be the Al to my Sam?

Thank you for reading,
Not upset but growing concerned

Dear Not Upset,

I don’t know what you want me to say.You don’t want to marry Tom.He refuses to see the difference between “honest” and “mean.”You think you want to pursue something with John.You already know the answer.

There’s no magic bullet here.You don’t want to hear that you have to leave Tom and start over, but clearly, you have to do exactly that.Tom sounds like a schmuck, really, and you’ve settled for that for whatever reason, but enough already.

You say he’s got a temper, so here’s how it’s going to go — line up a place to live before you leave.Tell him it’s over, take your stuff, and get out of this thing.It’s going to suck, but there’s no other way.You can wait around for it to get better, but it won’t.Go.

Dear Sarah:

I had a baby eight months ago and joined this group for new moms.I immediately hit it off with another mom in the group.We went to lunch, hung out at each other’s houses, talked on the phone, et cetera.It was rather intense at first, and I was all excited at having a new friend.

As time went on, she began to bug me.Really, really bug me.She called me at least five times a day, early in the morning and late at night.I told her not to call so early/late.She keeps asking me to do things with her, and I keep making excuses as to why I can’t.I don’t return her calls.I am friendly but not overly so when I see her at our weekly group meeting.She won’t give up.She has asked me if I am angry with her, and I’ve said, “No, just really busy with grad school and other things.”Still doesn’t get the hint.If it were a guy, I could get rid of him lickety-split by telling him I don’t like him That Way, but she’s not a guy — she’s an acquaintance, and she is still in the group so I have to see her weekly.What would you do?

Signed,
Please Leave Me Alone

Dear Please,

Ah, the Seinfeldian dilemma of wanting to break up with a friend.How it sucketh.

She’s not going to get the hint, probably.She’s not going to leave you alone.But if it’s getting out of spending time with her that you want, just keep deploying the “I’m just really busy” excuse (without giving details, which is how people like this get an “in” with your schedule).It’s probably true, after all, and if she chooses not to read the subtext, well, that’s her problem.

It’s irritating, but if you don’t want to hurt her feelings, you’ll have to keep lying.

[12/7/01]

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