The Vine: February 13, 2003
Dear Sars,
Yes, on a day when you’ve got drunk driving, class conflict, and urinating
dads in The Vine, it’s the grammar question that compels me to fire up the
email program. Grumpy Second-Year Teacher asked for some handbooks, and
I’d like to recommend one that’s a little less dry than most: Karen
Gordon’s The Deluxe Transitive Vampire: The Ultimate Handbook of Grammar
for the Innocent, the Eager, and the Doomed.
It’s a fun read (!), which is something I never thought I’d
say about a grammar text, and it’s still a pretty solid handbook. I read it
for the same reason Grumpy wants it — to supplement my innate sense of
grammar with some solid terms and explanations for when I have to teach —
and it was really useful. And it might even give Grumpy some ideas on
jazzing up the grammar lessons in the classroom, too.
Thanks for a great way to procrastinate!
Not Really A Grammarian
Dear Not Really,
Thanks for the recommendation — I don’t own that tome myself, but I know many people who swear by it. If GSYT is looking for a book that’s informative but not overly dry, that one’s probably just the thing.
Dear Sars,
I just wanted to say that your advice to Banging Head Against Brick
Wall is spot-on. I’m an Asian child with Asian parents too, so I know
exactly what she’s going through, but after my sister and I went
through many of the same confrontations with our parents, we stuck to
our principles and did basically what you suggested; now my sister
is living happily with two platonic male roomies, and I married the guy
I lived with. Our relationship with our parents is as strong as ever,
and they did eventually get over the trauma and paranoia.
So, while it
may seem like her parents will never get over this, because all Asian
parents are like that, and Asian children don’t want to be
disrespectful to parents, in the end, choosing to live an independent,
responsible life isn’t disrespectful and eventually parents will see
that. I wish good luck to Banging Head Against Brick Wall, and hope
things work out as well for her as they did for my sister and me.
Thanks,
Asian child who’s been there
Dear Been There,
Thanks for writing in.
I suspect that, regardless of background, only children like Banging Head have it tougher when it comes to achieving a balance of separation from their parents, because the parents don’t really have any perspective. Before Mr. Stupidhead came along, my parents had many many post-hippie whole-child rules about what I could watch on TV and how late I could stay up and fruit is nature’s candy and blah blah blah. After Mr. Stupidhead came along, a lot of that stuff went out the window.
Banging Head and other onlies having issues with their parents might want to pick up this book.
Dear Sars,
This is a bit complicated, so bear with me. I have known this girl —
we’ll call her “K” — since I was seven, and until this summer we were fairly
close. Last September, I started university and she went to India for seven
months, but we managed to keep in touch despite the distance. Not
surprisingly, we both changed a lot over the last year and now I’m wondering
why we’re friends at all.
At school, most of my friends were in relationships except for K, and
although I didn’t really mind being single, it bothered her a lot. She’s
always been a hopeless romantic/drama queen, and we knew that she desperately
wanted to fall in love in India, so none of us were surprised when she told
us about this man who was, apparently, the love of her life. She lost her
virginity to him (which she told us all about in a scarily detached,
clinical email), but it ended when she came home, and from what I know, he
wasn’t as emotionally invested as her. She has been treated very badly by
past boyfriends and it left her with very low expectations, and her attitude
now seems to be to fuck them, then dump them, because men are no good for
anything else, right? Casual sex is fine if it’s what you really want, but I
know she’s going to end up regretting it. She’s going to uni this coming
September, and I’m concerned for her. I want her to be happy, but I think
she’s looking for it in the wrong place.
This is my quandary: I worry about her, and I don’t want to see her doing
things she’ll regret, but she’s also driving me up the damn wall. As well
as far, far too much information concerning her latest man, she keeps making condescending
remarks about my lack of sexual experience (I’ve still got the big V) and
whether I’ve “found a man” at uni. The fact is that I’m perfectly happy
being single. I didn’t go to university to fall in love — it would be a
nice bonus, sure, but it’s not the whole point. She acts like I’m somehow
deficient and strange because I didn’t sleep with the first guy I met at
university. Her whole “I’m K, sexual woman” thing is completely tired, and
I’m sick of being treated like a naive little sister. I’m fed up trying
to explain it to her, because she doesn’t get it, and I’m beginning to feel
that she doesn’t understand me at all. In that case, why do I bother?
We have tons of friends in common, so it’s not like I can just stop seeing
her. I suppose what I want to know is whether I’m being unreasonable or
over-sensitive. I know other friends are also worried about her newfound
attitude to sex, so it’s not all me.
I welcome any insight or advice you can give, because I’m fresh out of
ideas.
Best,
Belittled in Britain
Dear Belittled,
You’ve got two different issues here: you don’t approve of the way your friend conducts her sexual/romantic life; and you think she’s too judgmental when it comes to yours (or your lack of one, or whatever).
As to the first part, well, it’s her business who she sleeps with. Maybe she has unrealistic ideas about sex, but again, it’s her affair, not yours. Unless she’s behaving in a way that’s dangerous — getting very drunk before sleeping with guys, say, or not using protection — she has to learn on her own what casual sex means for her, good or bad. Eventually she’ll figure out how to handle herself, but it’s not for you to tell her.
But it’s not for her to tell you how to handle yourself, either, and the next time she cops an attitude with you about your virginity, you might point that out to her. You do things at your own pace, and you’d appreciate it if she’d keep her snitty comments about your lack of experience to herself, because they hurt your feelings. The next time she starts oversharing about her sex life, tell her it makes you uncomfortable, and change the subject.
I suspect that she gives you TMI, and guff about your virginity, because she feels like you judge her — and based on what you’ve written, it sounds like you do. You mean well, sure, but you judge her. Try talking about it honestly with her, and listening to what she has to say in response. I think each of you feels misunderstood and disapproved of by the other, and you should clear the air about that.
As a matter of policy, I don’t socialize much with co-workers. It’s not that I dislike them — I just see these people all damn day, why do I need to see them after work. Besides, there are the usual perils of being friends with superiors and subordinates.
My boss seems to have no friends outside work, and she is always the one spearheading the after-work get-togethers. I used to go out with them when I first moved here and took the job, but now I am meeting friends and going on dates and generally finding better things to do with my personal time.
I’m getting an almost “jealous” vibe from my boss. I am always polite when I decline, but she mocks me when I say I have other plans. She throws an attitude at me that says, “So, you think you’re better than we are?” It’s as if she’s threatened or something.
She is my boss, and I am dependent on her for good assignments and performance reviews. I’m afraid if I don’t play along and hang with the gang, it will be seen as not being a “team player.” When I do go out with her, it’s usually just a bunch of work gossip I’d rather not be party to, and I end up not enjoying myself anyway.
What should I do?
IHOP (I hate office politics)
Dear IHOP,
Do nothing. Unless your boss is saying or implying that your job depends on socializing more with your colleagues — in which case you should document any such statements or implications — you really can’t do anything.
Nobody likes office politics, but you’ll have to tolerate them as best you can. Go on the work outings if and when you can; if and when you can’t, give your regrets and try to ignore your boss’s comments.
Dear Sarah,
My mother is the most caring, generous woman ever to draw oxygen from the
atmosphere. I love her to death. However, there’s one major fault of hers
that gets on my nerves — she has, frankly, the ability to turn into a
nigh-unto-eugenics-focused shallow bitch.
Let me explain. Until about two years ago, I was very overweight. At that
time, I managed to contract a mild case of mono that, for some reason,
knocked the very will to eat out of me. I subsisted, at one point during my
illness, off of nothing but apples for two weeks. Naturally, I lost a lot of
weight, and my weight loss continued after I convalesced — ’til, by the end
of a year, I’d lost around sixty or seventy pounds.
I was glad — I felt great, and I had newfound energy and health (I have a
heart condition, so losing all that weight contributed greatly to the
quality of my life). But the fat, I think, went from my hips and into my
mother’s brain. Suddenly, she felt that she could criticize the fat people
around me, and let loose with extremely cruel and closed-minded comments.
Now, I remember what it was like to BE fat. I remember how people made fun
of me, called me names, ostracized me, and generally made my life a fucking
hell. I’m twenty, and I’ve never really had a close friendship — my tortuous
school years soured me so on humanity that I’m only just getting to the
point where I can consider a person as benevolent or neutral before they
prove themselves otherwise.
I’ve tried to explain to my mother how utterly hurtful her comments are.
I’ve repeatedly told her that I fear, should I ever gain the weight back
(which is quite likely, given the nature of the human body), that she will
be thinking (if not saying) those same things about ME. She’s assured me
that I’m her daughter…that I’m “different.”
I’m getting really tired of her “hobby” of casting aspersions upon other
people simply because of their size. Sarah, can you think of any way for me
to explain to her just how fickle, mean, and STUPID she comes across as when
she’s making these comments?
Thanking you,
Once Thin, Twice Shy
Dear Once,
When you say that you’ve “tried to explain” to your mother how her comments make you feel, do you mean that you have said, in so many words, “Mom, I fear, should I ever gain the weight back
(which is quite likely, given the nature of the human body), that you will
be thinking (if not saying) those same things about ME”? Do you mean that you have said, in so many words, “I find those comments utterly hurtful, and I want you to stop making them in my presence“? Because if you haven’t, it’s time to do it now. Print your letter out and hand it to her. Highlight the part where you talk about other people making fun of you and calling you names. Make it clear that she’s doing that to others. Tell her you resent it. Use the words “I resent it.”
Apparently, in your mother’s mind, “that hurts my feelings” does not also imply “…so stop it,” so you will have to make that connection explicit for her. Don’t hint around, or qualify it with therapy-speak. Tell her flatly that you don’t want to, and will not, hear that kind of thing from her anymore. If she persists, end the contact — get off the phone, leave the room, whatever you have to do to not hear it. The way to let her know you won’t tolerate it is to stop tolerating it.
Tags: friendships grammar the fam workplace
