The Vine: January 11, 2012
My best friend is just that because she’s fun, honest, caring, and a truly good person. I know I can count on her for…well, almost everything.
Here’s the thing — BF believes she can’t have a good time unless there’s alcohol involved. Two DUIs on her record now. She just got her license back on a restricted basis (for the second time) and absolutely cannot ever have even one drink and get behind the wheel, ever again in this state. I’ve been the DD for the last few years whenever we go out.
She’s my concert and sushi buddy, we go several times a month to shows or local events and maybe once a week for dinner. I’m ready for someone else to drive now. I like to enjoy a couple of beverages, but when I’m DD I don’t drink at all, or just limit to one. And it’s not just my wanting to drink too, it’s also my having to be physically alert and ready to drive late at night, every time. Public transportation is terrible in this area, especially at night, so that’s not an option. Most of the shows and events are at least an hour away.
I’ve talked to BF about this, telling her it’s time to go sober for an evening, it’s her turn to drive. She’s not happy about this at all, saying it won’t be fair to her if I have alcohol and she can’t. She is insisting that we can stay at a hotel whenever we go out, so she can still drink. I don’t want to do this, because I have an older dog and won’t leave her alone and locked up in the house for that long. Also, hotels = expensive.
I’m a little old to whine, “It’s not fair!” But — it’s not. I’m tired of being the responsible one. I want my turn to lean the seat back in the car and snooze on the way home for once. Am I being whiny, or do you think I have a valid point?
Thanks!
Starting To Become Resentful And I Don’t Like Me This Way
Dear Resentful,
No, it’s not whiny; yes, you have a valid point. Of course, the real point here is that BF is incapable of socializing without lubrication. I mean, the obvious solution, in a vacuum, is for the two of you to alternate occasions as designated driver — but outside the vacuum, you had to ferry her from pillar to post for years thanks to her DUI issues. Really, your friend should drive you both everywhere, without complaining or even giving you a chance to ask her to, and she should drink green tea on these outings and shut up about it.
But she’s dependent enough on booze that that doesn’t occur to her. You take your turn — and hers — without thinking much about it, because you don’t need to drink, or to drink more than an Amstel, to enjoy yourself. She can’t envision taking her turn as DD, because if she doesn’t have the option of getting fucked up, she can’t deal.
This is how it goes sometimes with alcoholics, or with people who are, for lack of a better term, situational alcoholics — there’s some toxicity or anxiety or sadness in their lives that booze dulls or lets them forget — and it’s heartbreaking, and frustrating, not least because the only thing you can do is drop a boundary around it. It won’t change BF’s behavior or make her do anything about these signs of alcoholism, but it will keep you from resenting her, and it will let you relinquish control of her actions back to her, where it belongs.
The next time she’s all, “But then I can’t drink, wah wah,” tell her what you just told me. “BF, it’s your turn. It’s been your turn. I don’t like driving every time, I can’t afford a hotel, and if you won’t drive, we won’t go. Decide what you want to do; I’m changing the subject now.” “But –” “No. I’ve done enough driving. Take your turn, or I stay home. Next topic.”
She’ll probably get pissed, because she’s not getting her way or because she’s forced to examine the cost of the behavior. The first thing she can just get over, and the second thing she should have done after the first drunk-driving charge anyway. It’s up to you if you want to expand the conversation into a come-to-Jesus about her relationship with alcohol, telling her that you don’t judge her, but it concerns you that she’s still this unwilling to consider going sober for the evening now and then. She’s your best friend, after all, and people don’t do this dance with Messrs. Beam and Jameson because they love the taste. She’s unhappy and she’s in denial, and you may want to say, hey, I noticed that this is pretty messed up, and I’m mentioning it because I love you.
You don’t have to; you don’t have to do it now; you don’t have to enjoy the fact that drawing this line means you may have to miss a few shows, or get into A Thing with your best friend. But if you don’t want to keep driving? Stop. Refuse to give in; tell her why; stick to it.
Tags: friendships
But also, for the love of god, don’t let her agree to DD unless you can trust that she won’t drink anyway and then try to drive. To most adults this is a no-brainer, but for your friend, not so much, it seems.
Yeah, I considered mentioning that. If she’s going to sneak shots, or you’re going to spend the whole night worrying that she might, that won’t work.
Also, “it won’t be fair to her if I have alcohol and she can’t?”
What the hell? It’s been totally unfair to *you* that she can always drink and sleep on the way home and generally not think about acting like a responsible, and you never can. If she can’t see that completely obvious point, she really has a problem.
I’ve had to do this with my best friend, thankfully minus the DUIs. She says to me “it’s not fair that you get to drink if I don’t” and I say right back to her “And it’s fair to ME that YOU get to drink and I don’t?” Logic doesn’t always work, but there’s a difference between whining about it not being fair (as she says in her letter she’s too old to do) and pointing out the double standard if she brings up “fair” first.
Sars is right in that you are going to have to put your foot down (or find other people willing to go with you and drive) if you want to continue doing the same activities with her that you are doing now.
You might also consider proposing activities that don’t necessarily suggest grabbing a drink — mid day walks in the park, trips to museums, hanging out in coffee shops, etc. just to put you both on equal footing. I have a friend who is now in recovery after several years of her own struggles with alcohol; we used to do mid-day Saturday stuff a lot not because of any DD negotiations (lots of mass transit where we live) but because I didn’t really enjoy hanging out at bars the way she did at the time, and afternoons offered us a way to spend time together without having to negotiate the drinking question. As a bonus, when she did finally go to AA, we could still hang out like we usually did, which was not the case with several of her other friends.
The other potential option is that if she isn’t willing to not drink when it is her turn to drive, she pays for the cab for the night. And if she suggests the hotel as an option, she pays for all of the hotel bill plus a person to let your dog out.
The idea being that you both have to take turns being the one repsonsible for making sure everyone gets home safe – whatever the method.
It’s absolutely not fair, and pointing that out does not equal whining. But realistically, probably nothing is going to change until your friend is willing to take a hard look at her relationship with alcohol. With what you’ve told us, I wouldn’t trust her to be a responsible DD anyway.
Depends on where you live, but maybe remove yourselves entirely from the situation and “you vs. me” feelings, and rent a driver, or carpool and split gas $ with other concertgoers (other friends or find them on concert forums, etc.).
Yeah, Friend is an alcoholic. I’m not judging her, but that kind of dependence and refusal to go one night without? That’s more than just a “fairness” issue.
And while your suggestion is a good one, Lyndsay, and I know that Resentful asked a specific question, I think this is a bigger issue than being a DD. After two DUIs, it’s time for Friend to see the light, and maybe time to stop enabling. Again, I’m not judging, but, I mean, TWO DUIs. That’s a bigger problem than who drives home after sushi.
This is one of those situations where somebody you love is awesome most of the time, but the rest of the time they’re actually quite horrible and selfish. I have no doubt that, with this girl, it’s because she’s got a substance abuse problem, but seriously: that whole ‘it won’t be fair if you can drink and I can’t” thing is just another way of saying “I don’t actually care about what you want and what will make you happy – it’s all about me”.
I’m not trying to suggest that your friend isn’t lovely and awesome, because I’m sure she is (or else you wouldn’t keep being her friend). But she’s got A Problem and I don’t think you’re going to be able to avoid having the serious “do you ever worry about your need to have a drink? Because I worry about you” conversation. It won’t be fun or pretty, but you’ll be doing her a favour in the long run. I know nothing about alcohol dependency, but it seems common sense that – as Sars has said so eloquently – her behaviour isn’t that of a happy person.
I don’t have any additional advice, but how awful is it that someone can be convicted of two DUIs and still have a license?
I have and have had people in my life with problems with alcohol, and my solution has been to just not drink with them at all. Maybe the letter writer isn’t willing to do this, but she might consider, as Whitney said above, doing other things with her if that would work. It might fail, as in the case with a former friend who couldn’t even go shopping with me without stopping for a glass of wine or five–still it might be worth a try. You can always do your clubbing or happy houring with other friends.
My guess is that 2 DUI’s is only the tip of the iceberg for this woman. This level of alcholism usually includes alot of other fun and exciting stuff. I’m not Sars, but in reading your letter I couldn’t help but feel like you were asking for advice on placement of deck chairs on the Titanic. Really? Who is going to drive is the problem? I mean this with true love, but step up and talk to your friend about her drinking. Yes the conversation will be painful, but you could be saving her LIFE and your own. Do it soon, please.
And I’d like to second Retta’s comment, and add that you might be saving someone else’s life, too. Sorry, but I’ll never be convinced that someone is a truly good person if that someone drinks and drives.
I understand alcoholism. A close family member is an alcoholic. It’s not fun to confront people about these things. But if you care about your friend, then you have to step up and be a friend to her. The problem you have to help her deal with has nothing to do with who drives–but the fact that you wrote in about that makes me think that maybe you like spending time with her in party situations when she’s drinking…and maybe not so much otherwise, so maybe you’re not really invested. Still, though, this is a person who needs help and who could be a danger to herself and others if this previous behavior continues. How would you feel if you fail to have this difficult discussion and then she drinks and drives and hurts or kills someone else? I’m not saying that would be your fault–but if it were me, the guilt would be tremendous anyway.
I’m trying to leave my own (long) issues with alcoholism and hearing “it’s just a few drinks” ad nauseum aside for this question, but, damn. Two DUIs . . . ONE is bad enough. Two is just not okay in any universe.
Okay, about the driving specifically — I’ve been there, since I don’t drink (see above), I’ve been the DD since I got my license, but I learned pretty quickly that I had to put my foot down about leaving places in time to ferry friends home and still get sleep myself, and this situation seems like feet need to be stamping, now. Sars (as usual) is right — tell her it’s beyond unfair to you to do all the staying-awake-late and driving, not to mention that if it’s always your car that’s doubly unfair because of the mileage & wear, and don’t take whining as anything other than a bad sign. If she doesn’t think it’s unfair to you, then I think you two need to examine your relationship (again, I say that as someone who’s been there) because she should think of fairness when it comes to friends, especially one’s best friend.
I’m going to second Renatta, and I’m very sympathetic because I think this is one of those “too close to see the real problem” situations. It sounds like your BF is a functional alcoholic and the DUI’s haven’t really affected YOU personally other than the annoying DD situation, so it’s probably easier to focus on the annoyance to yourself and overlook that your BF needs help, yesterday.
But yeah, I don’t think who is the DD is the issue in this letter.
I’m with Lindsay. Make her (your friend, not Lindsay) responsible for getting you both home safely half the time. She can do that by choosing to not drink and to drive, or she can do that by paying for your cabs or making other similar arrangements. The point is to make her responsible… Which is also to step away from enabling her.
(I had a parallel situation with a roommate once… He refused to do his share of the housecleaning, but he was willing to pay half the cost of a cleaner)
John
I can understand this letter from both sides- I don’t have any DUIs, but there was a point in my life when driving drunk was the norm or I put the burden on others to drive so I could have a good time. There were a lot of other people and friends and alcohol and drugs involved, yet, the only truth I took from that period was when I went to see an addiction counselor who told me I had to drop those friends if I wanted to save my own life. Of course, I did not believe him. Now, seven years later, I know I would not be where I am today without that advice and with those people still around. What I’m writing has an incredibly harsh tone, and one the writer probably won’t agree with, because it’s hard to take a hard look at one’s self and your relationship to others. The thing is, your letter has a lot of other parts we don’t know about, for example, whether your friend is into drugs, prescription pills, or other dangerous behaviors.
As that person who used people and friends to be the DD while I partied or secretly did shots and took drinks or pill, I can say that until your friend admits she has a problem, she won’t be able to be a DD.
I agree with the other people who suggested you try other activities that do not include alcohol.
Good luck
I definitely agree that who has to drive is not the issue here. Your friend has a problem with alcohol. If she is incapable of having dinner with a friend minus alcohol, she is dependent on it.
However, the real point I want to make-even if you “win” the DD argument and get her to take her turn, I would have a backup plan for how you are both getting home-calling a taxi, another friend, whatever. Because I would not trust her to keep her promise not to drink. She is not in control of her drinking, which means you cannot put her in control of her safety, yours, and any other innocent bystanders on the road.
@ CV: “Also, “it won’t be fair to her if I have alcohol and she can’t?”
What the hell? It’s been totally unfair to *you* that she can always drink and sleep on the way home and generally not think about acting like a responsible, and you never can. If she can’t see that completely obvious point, she really has a problem.”
CV said everything I wanted to say (above). Why is it fair that SHE gets to do whatever SHE wants and you don’t get a chance to relax a bit?
I’d drive, but I can’t attend concerts because I have permanent vertigo as a result of being hit by a drunk driver.
Consider going to some sessions of Al-Anon.
It sounds dramatic and very movie-of-the-week, but the reason that organization exists is the hundreds of thousands of millions of situations like the one you describe–people dealing with loved ones who are dependent on a substance, have started to realize the incredible amount of time and energy they are investing in their loved one’s relationship with that substance, and need some time, space and advice on how to redo this paradigm, because seriously. When I read this letter, I’ve got to agree with the other posters–the “fairness in driving” issue? It’s not the issue.
That’s what you wrote in about and that’s what Sars’ (excellent as always) advice covers, but the elephant in the room isn’t going to politely take its leave if you guys agree about the driving.
And once again I must recommend Caroline Knapp’s “Drinking”. It remains the best memoir/portrait of how alcoholism simply mists over your life and settles in every crevice,,that I have ever read.
Resentful, do the two of you have other friends? I don’t mean this in a mean way, but it seems like every event is just the two of you. Is there ever a third? I wonder if there was pressure from more than just you to take a turn, it would help. Or, if you could say to her, “Well, if you’re not willing to take turns, then X who is willing is my new concert buddy.” Being cut off from something she (presumably) enjoys will either cause her to a) wake up or b) stomp her foot some more, which would give you a perfect opening for that come-to-Jesus conversation.
I grew up with an alcoholic, and I’ve had my own issues with the booze at times, so I say this with all due respect and understanding, but — next time, go to the concert with someone else. Seriously. I think you’ll be surprised at how much tension this situation has caused you, and you won’t realize it until you’re enjoying a concert and NOT counting how many drinks she’s had, or NOT thinking about how tired you’ll be when you drive home, and NOT doing a slow burn about how you’d kind of like a glass of wine, thankyouverymuch, but you have to drive, AGAIN, and dammit.
It isn’t fair to you, but you’ve already had the conversation and she’s not having it. Seems to be the best way to drive the point home is to find another concert and sushi buddy. At least once. I’m not saying that you can’t be friends with BFF anymore. I’m saying that she needs to see that you’re taking action, and that her behavior is the cause of that action. Example:
BFF: “Hey, you went to (band here) without me? WTF?”
You: “(Insert name here) loves (band here) and was willing to drive. I’m tired of being DD all the time, you refuse to be DD, and I don’t want to stay in hotels every other week. She was willing to get home in time for me to take care of (dog name here.)”
This may or may not bring up The Drinking Conversation. If it does, dive in, with compassion and kindness but without shortchanging the message. “Look, I’m worried about you, I think your drinking has become a problem. At least, it has for me. I can’t support that anymore and I also can’t let you be DD knowing that you’ll drink and drive anyway. Me being DD Every. Single. Time. isn’t fair to me either and I won’t keep doing it. I love you but that’s the situation.”
She’ll be pissed. She’ll argue that it’s not A Problem. That’s on her.
Good luck. I know this is a really tough one.
AAAAAAHHHHH! TWO DUIs? And you think the worst problem is that you have to do all the driving? Your friend has a problem. I’m sure she would disagree, as addicts do, but you don’t get two DUIs because you like to party, you get two DUIs because you can’t make prudent choices about drinking because you need the alchohol more than you need to be a “truly good person.” You can’t demonstrate such utter disregard for others’ right to leave their houses without fear of some stuporous dumbfuck mowing them down, and still be a good person.
I can see shades of gray in most situations, and I try to live and let live, but drunk (or otherwise chemically impaired) driving makes my blood boil. Your friend is damned lucky she didn’t kill or hurt someone during the long period between her first time driving drunk and her second DUI.
You’re looking at this problem on the wrong axis. You are completely within your rights to ask this friend to share the DD duty, but that should go without saying. The fact that she can’t even consider going one night without drinking – that’s the problem, and it’s only YOUR problem because you’re engaging with her addiction instead of leaving her to suffer the natural outcome of her denial. Read up on enablement a bit and see if any of it rings a bell.
And if she finally does agree to be DD and then drinks anyway and tries to drive, I hope you can find it within yourself to be ruthless about reporting her. The suffering she might experience as a result of getting another DUI is miniscule compared to the suffering of any family who loses a loved one to a drunk driver. Happened to one of my best friends and I can assure you, the heartbreak is huge and permanent.
I know I’m just joining in the chorus here, but I keep thinking about the 11 year old girl who got run over a couple of weeks ago here in my home town. She was on her way home and was left dead in the street while the guy responsible got home, told somebody there and went back to work to drink some more. He had been drinking at work, was going home and run the girl over at a zebra crossing. He’s 25 years old and had just got his card back after his second DUI. His life is ruined as well. You don’t want that to happen to your friend.
That being said, she obviously doesn’t have the appropriate amount of control in her relationship with alcohol if she’s on DUI #2. In my state (Arizona, which also has terrible public transportation), DUI laws are very extreme, and people in certain professions (education / medical) can lose their jobs after the first one.
If this woman is your best friend, you probably care a lot about her well-being, and this is the right time to put your foot down about her behavior. If I were you, I’d forget about whose turn it is to drive and focus on helping her become responsible for herself. You’ve been a crutch for her to continue the behavior which got her *arrested and jailed, twice* without her having to consider the consequences anymore. That’s REALLY BAD!
I personally would prefer I tried to help her than she remain a friend of mine. If anything ever happened to her (or others) and I had to look back and regret keeping the peace, it would be devastating. I’m CERTAIN you don’t want that.
I never thought I would be saying ‘rah-rah’ about any law in Arizona, but, rah-rah to Arizona for their strict drunk driving laws!
Hi, all. I’m late to the commenting party here, but I just wanted to say “thank you” to everyone for your support and the wake-up call. After I wrote the letter, she has come up with her own solution of having her new boyfriend drive her everywhere. ooohhhkayyyyyy….
Her drinking is still a concern, and I will definitely take Sars & y’all’s advice to heart. The next big concert/event that comes up, I will use that as a starting point for the Difficult Conversation. It may well be the end of the friendship, but as you have pointed out to me, if it saves lives it will be worth it.
As someone who was on BF’s side of the difficult conversation, let me say wholeheartedly that she needs to hear it. I started rehab because of the people who love me – I never would have gone for myself. Two years later, I am incredibly grateful for that awful conversation.