The Vine: January 6, 2010
Dear Sars,
I’ve been getting several conflicting opinions on this one. I usually do a really good job staying out of office politics, but now I am in a situation where a non-committal grunt isn’t going to cut it.
There has been a long-standing power struggle between my boss (B) and another person (A) in the department. Lately, they have been using me as a point of contention. We do grant work, and recently A asked if I could work on a new grant for him and he even offered to pay half of my salary. B said no (well, really she said, “No, I found her, she’s mine”). In response to that, A has decided to reorganize the office, which mainly includes moving me.
Normally I’d say “whatever” and just move, but the new office is the cramped, dark, non-temperature regulated office that I would have to share with two other people. All of this actually doesn’t matter as A somehow wields final authority over the decision-making and it’s essentially a done deal. What does come into play is my ridiculously tall frame, which physically does not fit at the desk.
I had already decided to talk to A and let him know that I can’t sit there until a new cube/desk is installed. I have heard that at a subsequent meeting my size was brought up, and A had said he would install a new desk. Although there is a limit to the space, and he means they will raise the desk to a comfortable height, but can’t do anything about it being only four feet wide (not the desk, but the entire space between the cube walls).
Well, B has now seen an opportunity to undermine A and spoke with me about “my rights” as an employee to have a comfortable and ergonomically correct workplace. She basically told me to raise a big fuss about it.
How much should I say? B is my boss. A is better networking-wise and could potentially be more helpful for me in the future. I would rather not move, but I knew moving into the non-profit sector meant giving up things like the corner office with all the windows. As long as I fit, I could deal. I must admit I’m probably more annoyed at there being no reason for the move other than this power struggle than the actual move itself.
I’m a programmer for a reason
Dear Prog,
Stick with your original plan: talk to A, let him know the desk situation isn’t workable and you’ll require one that fits before you move, and stay out of it otherwise.
Don’t bring it up with B, and if she brings it up, tell her you’ve made your peace with it and you’d rather focus on other things. She’s trying to use you as a lever in the situation, so decline to allow that as well as you’re able; tell her she’s welcome to take it up with A directly, but you’re there to work, not dicker over the seating arrangements, so as long as you have a desk that you fit under, you consider the topic closed.
Sometimes there’s only so long you can pretend that you won’t have to pick a side, but for now, get a decent desk and act like you believe it’s going to end there.
Dear Sars,
I have a question for you, or more precisely, would like your take on a recent event that happened to me.At the time, I was so stunned I had no words, and now I have a thousand sharp retorts going through my mind, although I don’t know that I’d use any of them.
Here’s the situation: I was out and about, and needed to use the ladies room.You need to know that I am not a small woman.I’m 6’1″ and not thin.My husband says I’m his Valkyrie.That being said, even though I am not disabled in any way, when the option is available, I prefer to use the handicapped stall as it is just easier for me to move around in.I’ve been in (regular) stalls that are so small my knees hit the door, and getting my pants down is a challenge.
Anyway, there were five stalls in this bathroom, one of which was handicapped.When I entered the bathroom, I was its only occupant.When I left the stall another woman had just come into the bathroom.As I stepped toward the sink, she asked me if I was disabled.When I told her I was not, she ripped me up one side and down the other:”How dare you use that stall when you aren’t disabled.Those stalls are for the sole use of someone who needs it — someone using a walker or wheelchair, not just a fattie’s convenience.”That’s just a portion, but it continued the entire time I was at the sink, until I left the bathroom.As I said in my first paragraph, I was so shocked I had no reply.
My understanding is that the larger stalls are for anyone to use, and that if there is a disabled person waiting, they would get first crack at that stall, but it is not for their use exclusively.Am I right?Am I wrong?Is this just political correctness gone to extremes?
Will I Ever Use A Public Toilet Again?
Dear Toilet,
This is my understanding also.You could also argue that the abled should try to use any other available stall first, and should only opt for the disabled stall if it’s the only one open; I don’t abide by that rule, but perhaps I should start.
Then again, as it’s often the furthest from the door, the disabled stall then becomes by default “the poo stall,” and I will not sit here and pretend I haven’t used it for that purpose.
With all of that said, that woman was way out of line.It’s none of her business no matter which way you slice it, and anyway, how did she know you aren’t disabled?Not every disability is visible; I think folks with colostomy challenges would be pretty interested to hear that they’re not to use that stall because they’re able to walk.
Anyone who can enlighten us on the actual policy, should one exist, regarding use of handicapped stalls, please do so in the comments, but in this as in all things, it seems like common sense and courtesy should prevail — and did, here, until Madam Shitter Policewoman took it upon herself to rip you a new one.
Dear Sars,
My mother is having some sort of mental breakdown and I’m not sure how to deal with it.Here’s the background: Mom and Dad met in college, got pregnant, got married, had three kids.
Thirty-seven years later, they are still married and it’s readily apparent they are not a happy couple or a good match for each other.My mom is an artist and my dad is a neuropsychologist, which means they have very different personalities that often clash.My mother is stubborn and contrary and prefers to march to the beat of her own drum.She will take the opposite opinion of any issue you discuss with her (she once stated she felt “bad” for Scott Peterson!) and purposefully needles my dad to “get his goat,” so to speak.Needless to say, it gets awkward at family gatherings when they start arguing constantly.
For about two years now, I have noticed that my mother is becoming more and more isolated in her life.She lives on a farm in the countryside and her friends and my siblings and I have all moved away.Dad works, so she has little human contact.As a result, she raises animals; cats, chickens, geese and dachshunds to be exact.She has always been incredibly attached to her animals and treats them like her children.
Long story short, one of her animal babies just became badly injured.Sister, the dachshund, launched herself off the couch and became paralyzed.My mother seriously lost her marbles!Crying and incoherent, she drove Sister over 100 miles away for emergency surgery that has an iffy success rate.The surgery cost $3500, which my parents have, but my dad was hoping to retire soon and he still supports two of my siblings (another very long story) and that money could have gone towards their retirement.I don’t want to sound ungrateful for Sister, she is a very sweet dog, but is her 50% recovery prognosis worth the cost to their future?
Dad is very pissed off and resentful about it and us kids are worried that Mom has gone off the deep end.She talks about nothing but Sister, even to strangers in the grocery line!It’s like this event has consumed her life.She didn’t even react this way when my human sister was horribly injured in a car accident and in a coma for a week.
Mom also demanded we change our holiday plans so she can be with Sister.I had to take my 6-month-old and my 2-year-old out into a driving blizzard on Christmas Eve so she wouldn’t have to leave Sister in her crate for a few hours.
That’s another point, she refuses to follow the vet’s orders and isolate Sister so she can heal properly.She carries her around and gets really upset at all of us when Sister falls down stairs or launches off the couch trying to follow Mom.This surgery is going to be a moot point at this rate!
My mom used to be so level-headed.She never put up with dramatics and if you had a hormonal moment, she would just roll her eyes and laugh at you.Now, she’s crying at the drop of a hat and constantly talking about Sister and how she “doesn’t know how she would go on without Sister.”I guess my dilemma is, should I approach Mom and suggest she up her antidepressant dosage, see a psychiatrist, or just let this run its course?I don’t know what to do, and being a middle child (which comes with a whole other set of issues) I want there to be peace and I want the family to be happy.I just don’t know what to do and was hoping you had some advice.
Scared of Mommie Dearest
Dear Scared,
For starters, stop permitting unreasonable behavior to pass unchallenged.Mom “gets really upset at all of [you]” because Sister follows her around?Unreasonable, and someone should have pointed that out.Demanding that you drive through a snowstorm with two small children?Unreasonable, and you didn’t actually “have to take” the kids out into that.You should have declined, with the valid reason that it was dangerous weather, and next time, you should.
If you think she’s depressed — and it sounds likely; she’s fixated on Sister to a degree that suggests an alienation from the people around her, she’s weepy, she’s withdrawn, and so on — express your concern to her.Phrase it in a way that’s as nonjudgmental as possible of Sister’s surgery; the financial aspect is for your parents to address between them.You should leave the Christmas Eve inconvenience out of it too, because, again, she didn’t really “make” you do that, and frankly you should have put your foot down.Ask her if she’s all right.Tell her she seems unhappy to you — fragile, isolated.Actually listen to her answer, even if she chooses to bang on about Sister for twenty minutes, because you could always use that as a jumping-off point to suggest that maybe she needs to talk to someone about it (and everything else that’s going on with her).
You might also ask your father if he thinks she could benefit from counseling, and whether it’s something he’s suggested to her also.That could have the opposite of the desired effect, based on what you’ve said, but if he has mentioned it to her and she’s rejected the idea, it’s better to know that beforehand so that you can find another way to introduce the concept without her feeling ganged up on.
If she’s having emotional problems, yes, you should express compassion and try to help — but you don’t have to enable every off-the-wall “requirement” or reaction.It isn’t realistic for Mom to expect that everyone else’s lives will revolve around Sister’s health issues, but if you act like it is, the nonsense will continue.Not that it won’t anyway, but you can care about your mother’s mental health without signing on for every attendant irrationality.
Tags: etiquette the fam workplace
Toilet Valkyrie, I’m also 6’1″ and also always avail myself of the handicapped stall if no one else is around who seems like they might need it. Because honestly, I in NO WAY am claiming my height as a disability, but in terms of ergonomics (see letter 1) the world often is just not designed to fit us. If it’s a choice between hitting my knees on the wretched stall door and not doing that, I’m going to not do that, because odds are on any given day that I already bumped my head on something; my back hurts because my desk and chair aren’t the right height; and three people would have already said “oh my god, you’re SO TALL!” and I just don’t need the extra aggro of a too-small stall. So while I would also have been flabbergasted into silence in your situation, I would have done exactly what you did, and I would not change that in the future.
Toilet,
I’m another “large” woman who uses the larger stall when it’s available. The toilets in those stalls are taller, 17 inches on average, and since I have two very bad knees the taller toilets make it easier for me to get up. Not to mention they have the grab bars which also help. I think the person who confronted you was completely out of line and you did the right thing by not engaging her.
Regarding handicapped stalls, I’d be interested to knwo what others say because I sometimes wonder if I am doing the right thing. My office has two bathrooms (well, technically three, but two which can be used by women). One has four very narrow stalls: so narrow the sanitary disposal unit doesn’t properly fit between the commode and the wall and overlaps the edge of the seat. The other is the disabled bathroom which is very large: as large as the whole other bathroom include sink area.
I cycle to work and like to change my clothes and freshen up and would prefer not to do this at the sinks where anyone can watch me and there’s no room in the regular stalls so I use the disabled bathroom. It only takes five minutes but I sometimes wonder if I’m wrong to make a hypothetical disabled person wait for me.
I think it’s okay or I wouldn’t do it… but maybe I’m wrong.
On the toilet question. I remember the same problem being asked of Ann Landers many, many years ago (it stuck with me for some reason) and Sars gave the exact same answer as Ann Landers. So at least know that there is a long history of people making incredibly rude comments about using the handicapped stall for at least 25 years.
I also used the disabled stall because of my size. It’s not absolutely necessary, but if there is no other person waiting for the stalls, I don’t really see why I can’t choose the larger one.
Most parents I know use the handicapped stall if possible when out and about with their children. Once I was i the handicapped stall with my young son at the grocery store when a woman using a wheelchair came in and asked if anyone was in the stall. I answered and told her we’d be out asap and we were. She thanked me, I said of course, and we all went about our business.
@ Scared of mommie dearest…
OMG, she is STILL letting the dachshund jump on and off the couch, and go up and down stairs? In my opinion, that is obsession + denying reality.
My mom was your mom. There was always something different (i am told that her brothers and sisters knew it at age 4.) then, and as adults, her brothers and sisters took unbelievable care to “get the story right for” her. And I saw it get worse with age. I believe there may be something unhealthy about this approach, but I found that the equivalent of
“Mom, you have to take care of yourself if you are to be any use to Sister, and to help her get well. We can all see how stressed you are, even Sister. Sister needs you to see the doctor.”
she will almost always agree with that general statement, and usually with the second and third, assuming that she is as similar to my mother as it sounds.
As I said, i think there is something unhealthy about this to whoever (whomever??) says something like this – it is certainly playing into another person’s disease or weakness. My only defense is that no matter how good the real reason was, I had to play into my mother’s disease, to get her to hear anything, no matter how important.
You know, my take on the disabled stall is that unlike parking spaces, which could be occupied for hours, completely preventing use by a disabled person, bathroom stalls are for general use as well as use by the disabled.
In general, people have no reasonable expectation of there always being a bathroom stall available as soon as one needs it – the line for the women’s room at any concert or theater during intermission is proof of that. As long as there is a disabled stall available within the facilities, so that it is physically possible for a disabled person to use the restroom, they do not have any reasonable expectation that it should always be immediately available to them either.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with using the handicapped stalls — as I understand it, their purpose is to ensure people who are handicapped always have a stall they can use, not that they never have to wait for one. In other words, making the stalls available puts them in the same position as everyone else; making it that only they can use the stalls puts them in an arguably better position — the point of the ADA is the former, not the latter.
Handicapped parking spots, on the other hand, should only be usable by people who have the appropriate permits; the difference is the wait, given how long people park. No one has to wait (usually) more than a minute or two for a stall, obviously that’s not the case with parking spots.
A handicapped parking space is reserved, by law, for the properly bedecked vehicle (i.e., one with a HC license plate or placard) to use exclusively. Handicapped stalls on the other hand, while required by law in most places, are not “reserved” in the same sense. They are akin to those seats on the subway with the sign above them that says they are for the disabled or elderly: those folks get first dibs, as it were, on those facilities, and if you are sitting in one you have to give it up if the need arises, but there is no law that regularly abled (or young or tall) folks may not use them at all.
Those bathroom stalls are “handicap accessible,” not “reserved for disabled individuals.” There is no reason that anyone should not use the larger stalls. I am a short, average size person who likes extra room if it’s available. I especially appreciate the larger stalls now that I have a baby to take with me. If I was in line in front of someone who visibly needed the larger stall and I didn’t need to go really badly, I would offer for her to go ahead of me if it opened up; but if I’m about to wet myself, I’m going in whichever one opens first (she might have just thought “Hey, there’s the bathroom; probably ought to go now before the movie starts.”).
On another note, I always offer for small children who are “dancing like they might not make it” to go ahead of me.
Twice, I have been in line in the public bathroom when a woman in a wheelchair entered the bathroom. Without anyone really discussing it, everyone just sort of let the wheelchair-bound person cut to the front of the line and then use the big stall when the person using it came out. End of discussion.
It seems stupid to leave the handicapped-accessible stall completely empty when there’s a line and no one particularly needs it. It also doesn’t matter who uses it if there’s no one else in the john at all. What happened in the two situations I witnessed seemed like a perfectly logical approach.
And as a side note, the h-a stall isn’t only for wheelchairs or walkers: What about people with baby strollers? I’m not leaving my baby out in a public bathroom while I’m locked inside a mini-stall with my pants down. The large stall is also very useful if you’ve got a small child who still needs assistance–often, the regular stalls are too small for one adult and one toddler.
I say if there isn’t a handicapped person present who needs the stall, it’s free and clear for anyone else to use.
I recently had a similar experience concerning handicapped stall etiquette. I am a perfectly-able-bodied person who sometimes uses the handcicapped stall when it is available, entirely because I like it better. I don’t like having the door of the stall 3 inches from my face or accidentally brushing my pants across the icky toilet bowl as I pull them down. I like a little extra room to maneuver! (And seriously, architects of the world, would it be SUCH a travesty of bathroom stalls were a few feet larger? Honestly, why make it as inconvenient as possible?) Anyway, I was in line in a public restroom and I noticed that nobody was using the handicapped stall, and I decided, screw it, I have to pee, and when it was my turn in line, I used the handicapped stall. I like it better, dammit, and in any case, I figured it would make the line move faster, and then the people behind me could have their turn faster, and everybody would be happy. As I left, I was reamed by a Bathroom Nazi who asked me what would have happened if a handicapped person had entered the bathroom. I said nothing, but thought, well, they would wait for me to be finished, same as I waited for all the people in front of me in line to be finished. Is it that horrible to expect a handicapped person to wait 2 minutes for me to pee when I had to wait 15 minutes in the same line? I wouldn’t use the stall if there was someone there who needed it, but if the stall is empty… Dude, it’s a toilet, I need a toilet, I’m doin’ it. I don’t believe that the handicapped stall should be set aside for exclusive use by handicapped people. A handicapped person who is actually present trumps another person’s claim to the stall, totally, but I agree with secretrebel that the stall shouldn’t be left empty in case a disabled person shows up. I don’t see why we should be expected to squeeze ourselves into the little bitty stalls while the spacious one stays empty in case a disabled person happens by!
That nasty lady in the restroom’s position would make sense only if a bathroom stall were consumable — like, say, a plate of cookies — and your using it at noon made it less likely to be available for those who might need to use it later in the day. Since that’s obviously not true, I think it’s safe to say she’s a nut and you can ignore her. I had a similarly illogical run-in with a woman in line at a movie theatre’s ticket window: she was convinced that the line should bend at a right angle, because otherwise it would “block the sidewalk” (which it wasn’t), and she was incensed that the rest of us didn’t share that view. We’re talking in-my-face screeching and cursing because I was standing directly behind the person ahead of me instead of wherever she thought I ought to be. It was unnerving to encounter someone that passionate about something both trivial and illogical. Hey, maybe it was the same lady!
For Scared: The mother sounds as if she needs some form of assistance, particularly with conforming to the dog’s aftercare plan. That said, becoming distraught when one’s pet has been injured and paying for an expensive surgery to address it is not in itself a sign of mental illness. A pet is a lifetime commitment, deserving of just as much care, attention, and expenditure as any other dependent creature. (Sorry, I know it seems a minor point in the context of the letter as a whole, but I’ve just had to deal with far too many people who are prepared to kill animals they’ve trained to be dependent because they didn’t want to spend the money to treat them for treatable conditions.)
The issue for me is not the expensive surgery; Hobey’s had three, it is what it is. It’s that Mom is then treating Sister like a toy instead of dealing with the aftercare regimen. Her whole affect is kind of childish, that it’s almost as if Sister is taking care of her in some way, and/or Scared is.
I suspect that everyone in the Scared family has gotten a little too used to humoring Mom’s artsy/contrarian whims, and the lack of boundary-setting is coming back around now. Some limits need to be set. But it’s not that she cares that deeply about her pet; it’s that her affect with that and everything else is not appropriate.
@Programmer: If the new desk assignment is going to interfere with your ability to do your job, or diminish your standing in the office, you should speak up-to A. (ie Does the move to the new shared office and smaller workspace create the impression in anyone’s mind that you have done something wrong/been demoted? Do you have any direct reports who will have less respect for your authority? Will you be interrupted/distracted more because you have neighbors? Will the lack of light interfere with your work? Do you now lack sufficient storage space?) You should list exactly what the business reasons are why the new space will not work for you, how it will interfere with your ability to do the job the company hired you for and present those to A, with your request to be left in your current space. Leave any discussion of the power struggle between B and A, fairness, etc. out of it, and make a case based on sound business reasoning for why you can’t be moved-to A. Don’t involve B at all, this is between you and A.
On the other hand, if you are truly ok with the move outside of the desk issue, which is supposedly being resolved, follow Sars advice. I don’t think you are, and I don’t think you should accept what amounts to a demotion because B and A don’t like each other.
I’m with the rest of you–if there’s no one disabled waiting for the stall, I will use it every time. I’m only 5’9″, but I HATE cramming myself into those tiny stalls, bumping the walls every time I turn or bend. Why can’t they make the regular stalls just a tiny bit bigger?
I am completely sympathetic to the bathroom needs of the wheelchair bound–I once went “on the road” for several performances with a play I was doing, and 3/5 of the cast members were in wheelchairs. The ADA had just passed, but hadn’t fully taken effect, and more than once we had to literally remove bathroom doors from supposedly accessible hotel rooms. And once, when that proved impossible, someone just lifted one of the girls (a tiny thing) and plopped her down in her bathroom sink. And you know what?–she laughed about it. Hey–the show must go on, right? So, I’m glad those accessible stalls are there, but I don’t think any of my disabled friends would mind me using it, too. Much less berate me and call me names for it.
@JR: ” (And seriously, architects of the world, would it be SUCH a travesty of bathroom stalls were a few feet larger? Honestly, why make it as inconvenient as possible?)”
I’m not sure it’s always the architects’ fault. A Tale of Two Recent Bathroom Experiences:
First, giant googleplex movie theatre in downtown Boston, very new, fairly nicely designed. When I visited a few weeks ago, I found that — I swear, this has got to be true — the theatre itself had redesigned the bathroom stalls / reinstalled new stall dividers, because in the bathroom I used, the stalls were EXACTLY the width of the door, and no more. I mean, if that stall was wider than 24″, I will eat my hat. I have never seen a narrower stall, anywhere. It was nearly impossible to use.
Second, travelling over the holiday and stopping at several non-rest-stop McDonalds. When did McDonalds start deciding to go through and rip out all their old bathrooms, and install new ones that have fewer stalls, but they are bigger, and have full walls from floor to ceiling, real doors, and nice tiling? Because all the McDs I stopped at had that style of bathroom, and none of them struck me as *seeming* like they’d been built super-recently, just remodeled inside.
At any rate: bless you, McDonalds, and everyone else who appears to be following the trend of remodeling bathrooms more along the European standard (or anyway, what seemed like the British/European standard of 10+ years ago; I’ve had UK friends remark on how disconcerting the abbreviated stall dividers are in American bathrooms). And curse you, Loews Theaters, even if you *are* trying to cut down on lines at the women’s bathroom. (I’d rather wait an extra 5 minutes and be able to USE the stall, okay?)
Many of the handicapped stalls I encounter also have changing tables installed within for use by people with babies, so I don’t believe that they are strictly intended to be used by the handicapped only. I agree with the previous commenter who said the stalls were “handicapped accessible,” not “handicapped only.” I always use the handicapped stalls when I’m with my toddler because there’s nowhere for 2 people to stand in a regular stall and I’m not leaving my 3 year-old out in the main restroom by herself! The lady is a nutter.
Sars, I think you left something important out of your reply to Scared: What do you care? Because it sure sounds like you doesn’t care, at all, about your mother. The letter is nothing but a long indictment of everything Mom does that annoys Scared. “She’s incompatible with Dad”—you think so, but a) how is that any of your business, b) what makes you qualified to judge someone else’s relationship and c) 37 *years*…maybe you might just be mistaken. “She totally lost her marbles” by becoming upset when her pet had a life-threatening accident. She wasted money —on a DOG—that could have been spent on your siblings! She’s “gone off the deep end” because she worries about a seriously injured pet! She “demanded” you take your children out in dangerous conditions (of course, you couldn’t possibly have refused her insane demands). I especially enjoyed the paragraph where you pretend to care whether the dog survives…because it’s going to be Mom’s fault if it doesn’t. And your final question, should you insult Mom and tell her she needs medication or psychiatric help, because frankkly all this being sadness is really annoying you? By all means, Scared. Don’t for one instant think of trying to help her. Don’t think about WHY she’s isolated from human contact when she has such a loving family. No, Mom needs to shut up, put the dog to sleep, and quit crying about it!
Dear toilet — this is totally off topic, but I want to say that I would do a lot for a man who called me his Valkyrie. That’s marvelous.
Wow that bathroom lady was way out of line. I’m not sure I would have been able to keep quiet – I would have wanted to laugh at her, at the very least.
I agree with everyone’s sane points here. If a handicapped person came into the restroom, they could wait the few minutes and then get the next turn at the larger stall. In many restrooms there is only one stall, or one large stall and one small stall. It is common for the baby changing table to be located inside the larger stalls, too.
I have a disability and I have a hang tag for my car, but my mobility is not limited in the traditional way and I can get around quickly if I have to. That being said, I get looks ALL THE TIME if heaven forbid, I use the car tag to park at the mall rather than hike the half mile from a regular space.
Some people are just jerks, but I don’t think anyone who really has to use the larger stalls would have a problem with having to wait a few minutes. As long as you’re not in there having sex or shooting up, I don’t see the issue.
IMO, handicapped stalls are for those who need them, “need” being defined by the user. I currently “need” to use one frequently, not because of my size (5’4″), but because of my two dear offspring. If I need to change a diaper, frequently the changing station is _in_ the handicapped stall. There’s sure as heck no way that I can hold my 3-yr-old on the potty while keeping my 1-yr-old from touching anything in semi-privacy while in a non-handicapped stall.
The lady was WAY out of line, first off in _asking_ if you were handicapped, secondly in berating you for using something that is for public use.
@Ken: Simmer. She’s frustrated. I do see some martyr shit going on, but it’s not the kind of letter in which we’re going to hear the woman’s praises sung.
Not sure why needing meds or counseling is “an insult,” either.
Programmer –
I am really questioning A’s approach. A wants you to work for him and has decided that the best way to bring about this turn of events is to place you in a cold, cramped office? This is supposed to make you go “hey, that A sure is someone I’d like to have as a boss!” Really?
Frankly, were I in your situation and if the opportunity to work for A came up, I’d probably pass on it. Life is too short to work for such petty dictators (unless it is financially necessary).
Does your workplace have a HR department that is more than merely decorative? Would there be a way to get the message “your power struggle and childish antics are annoying your underlings” to A and B without it being clear that the message came from you? Because office politics aside, creating this sort of toxic work environment cannot be good for the organization as a whole and that is something that should concern HR.
Did you consider that she might be going through menopause? My mom pretty much went batshit for a while, went to the ObGyn, got some hormones and meds and she was back to her normal personality…dependent on her age, that might be something to look into as well as counseling.
@secretrebel: We have two “normal” stalls and a handicapped one at work and you bet your sweet bippy that the cyclists are all racing to get the big stall at the beginning and end of the day to change out of/back into our riding clothes. Those gals who have offices tend to use those to changes, but us cube-dwellers count on that extra space. None of us feel bad, and of course would always cede the stall to a disabled person.
RE: Sister–I agree with Sars that part of the issue is that Mom isn’t properly caring for Sister. I can’t say that I wouldn’t pay through the nose for an emergency surgery for my dog, because I would, but I would also follow the aftercare to the letter. My in-laws have a dachshund and know full well that they are prone to broken backs and certain injuries, so they make sure that Pablo (his real name!) isn’t doing things that are likely to injure him.
@JR “And seriously, architects of the world, would it be SUCH a travesty of bathroom stalls were a few feet larger? Honestly, why make it as inconvenient as possible?”
Hey, architects have to pee, too. It’s not our idea to make bathrooms so cramped. We have clients who are only willing to pay so much, and don’t consider restrooms to be income-generating space. We have the ADA to comply with for clearance outside as well as inside the accessible stall. And often, we’re working on renovating spaces that originally had decent size stalls for the able-bodied, but made no accommodation for the handicapped. The only way to get that accessible stall in there is either to reduce fixture count, or shrink the other stalls… and there’s a code required fixture count that older buildings often don’t meet in the first place.
Restrooms are something that most people think about only for the five minutes a day they spend in them. You’d never guess how much design time is used up on restroom layout. They are almost always the biggest puzzle in a project.
@Scared – Have you talked to your siblings about this? Have they ever expressed their concern? I know you said there were issues, but talking it over with someone in the same position as you – her child – could help you come to a decision, or at the very least relieve some stress.
Obviously I don’t know the family dynamic, but when I read the letter, I really felt like you were carrying this on your own. I’ve often felt like my brother is too busy and far away to help my parents (we have a sick father), but even a 5 minute conversation with him can calm my nerves.
Either way, I wish you the best!
And I’m too short for handicapped toilets, but I say go for it! That woman was completely out of line. You did nothing wrong at all, and if anything, she was projecting her own personal issues on you. Unless (or maybe even if!) she was disabled and needed that stall immediately, she had no right to do that.
If you’re afraid of it happening again, simply mention your height and knees to that person. Or just ignore them completely! It is none of their business.
I am a short, severely claustrophobic woman who would have broken my foot off in the Toilet Cop’s ass. So good for you, Valkyrie, for your exceptional self-control, or whatever faculty it was that allowed you NOT to lean down and spit on her.
I feel kind of sorry for the woman who went on an unprovoked tirade about the handicapped stall, actually. How miserable is her life and how angry is she at the world that she feels the need to yell at complete strangers over something so trivial?
I agree with all of the other commenters who said that it’s fine to use any stall if no one else needs it. Are able-bodied people not allowed to walk on wheelchair ramps if stairs are available?
Scared-
My Mother was the same in many ways,specifically being an unemotional rock (“stop being so dramatic” was her favorite phrase) most of her life. However, something happened, and suddenly mom was crying because one day the dog WOULD die and obsessed with it to the exclusion of everything else (including my wedding, vine letter “Wedding Colors are Meh and Whatever” in the hizzouse here) and then the dog finally DID die and she was a wreck for months and making quite literally NO sense at all when I tried to talk to her about anything.
Fast forward: Turns out diabetic Mom wasn’t managing her blood sugar which culminated in a major health crisis (her blood sugar levels were over 700 when she was admitted to the hospital. For the uninformed, that’s kidney-killing, blindness-causing, stroke-fostering high.) Funny thing, your brain doesn’t work terribly well when your blood is basically pancake syrup. After her health stabilized, she was a completely different person and I’m horrified that she spent 3 years acting like a crazy person because we believed her when she said she was checking her glucose levels. Why she started down that path is a mystery, but the take home is the same: there is probably something else health related going on there, and it may not be JUST depression. Recommend that she go in for a check-up ASAP.
@Toilet – I wouldn’t have been able to stay quiet at such an onslaught. Handicapped stalls are handicapped EQUIPPED not handicapped RESERVED. It would be different if you could, potentially, spend hours in the stall, and thus deny a handicapped person its use (such as with handicapped parking spaces), but toilet visits are, at most, 5 minutes… and as such, the handicapped are perfectly capable of waiting those 5 minutes.
Man, these Vocal Self-Appointed Guardians of the Disabled tick me off. Even if you were in the wrong _ which you weren’t _ she could have gone with a polite “that toilet is reserved for disabled users” instead she had to Take! It! Personally! and behaved in a completely vile manner
It’s such a patronising attitude because it implies that having some sort of physical limitation makes them a mute and helpless person who needs someone to speak for them because goodness knows they could not speak up for themselves, and because she is such a goddamn saint, she will be the spokesperson for the downtrodden. HATE!
The irony is that it is people like her who then rail at people who have a legitimate reason to use the disabled parking but don’t have a visible problem.
And she probably kills puppies. OK, maybe not.
@ Scared: I second the suggestion that it might be menopause. But it might also be something else more serious (like a brain tumor). I’ll take a page from of my other fav advice columnist, Carolyn Hax and say that if her behavior really has gone through a significant change like this, then she needs to see a doctor.
About the toilets– there’s a term, which I’ve been sitting here tying to recall for several minutes, among urban planning and design folks for the added benefits and adoption of design that was put in place first to benefit the disabled.
The example I remember from a class was how ramps and the cuts into curbs for wheelchairs are now so popular because they also benefit people with strollers. Designers and planners were seeing this and realizing it made the things they needed to be so much easier to sell because more of the population saw a benefit to themselves. And they were happy to see it happen.
So I really don’t think the stall was designed only for the disabled.
@Scared- I third the menopause suggestion. My Mom turned batsh*t crazy when she went through that. Good times. She also had no feeling that she was being unreasonable when it was happening. I’d have her go to a medical doctor first and then a psychiatrist if there’s nothing physically wrong.
But I definitely wouldn’t say anything about the medical bills for the dog’s surgery. I get that you are frustrated and those feelings were coming out in the letter, but I did a $2500 surgery on my cat who had cancer because it gave her a chance and money is just money. Medically treating animals dependent on you when there’s a chance of them getting better isn’t really crazy or wrong. Maybe not what you’d do, but it’s not your money and that should definitely not factor into any conversation if you’re trying to get her to listen to what you’re saying.
Thanks for the suggestions in regards to my question about my mom.
Sars, you stated it perfectly when you said, “I suspect that everyone in the Scared family has gotten a little too used to humoring Mom’s artsy/contrarian whims, and the lack of boundary-setting is coming back around now. Some limits need to be set. But it’s not that she cares that deeply about her pet; it’s that her affect with that and everything else is not appropriate.”
As a family, we have adhered to her whims all our lives. Every time I try to go against her requests, I’m “horrible” and “hate her.” And I shouldn’t have gone out in the blizzard with my kids, but I knew her sanity was already on a thin line and we have a 4×4 so I chanced it. It was stupid and my faulty attempt to bring peace on Christmas, especially since one of my siblings, the baby of the family, wasn’t going to make it this year. But I get the point – don’t complain if you enable.
@Bev, I will see if I can’t try that approach as my last ditch effort. Right now, I’m just trying to listen to her as much as I can, hoping she’ll get it all out for a while.
@michelel72, I agree. A pet is a giant commitment and like I said, I love Sister, but I love my mom and dad more and am more concerned with their welfare during retirement. $3500 can pay for a lot on a fixed income.
@KenO, I care because I love my family and want them to be happy. It’s the curse of the middle child I’m afraid. Dad is certainly not without faults, but this letter was not about him; he’s part of the back story. I was trying to paint a picture of the sad person my mom has become and he is part of that reason. Do I think it was unreasonable of her to ask him to spend retirement money to get Sister surgery? Yes, I do. Sue me.
@burntdude, she’s already passed through menopause. Does it have lingering effects? I kind of ruled that explanation out but maybe it is that.
@Stephie, yeah, the siblings don’t come around and don’t really do anything but complain about it and go their way when they do. I do feel like I’m the only one trying to fix things, but I think I will give the others a call and see if I can’t get some backup.
@Adrienne, I will suggest that. Don’t know how well it will go over, but its worth a shot. Thanks for the suggestion.
Thank you all for the advice. I do greatly appreciate it, all of it.
On the toilet stall issue, there are definitely differing opinions depending on culture. When I was visiting London, England a couple of years ago, I stopped in Marks and Spencer (a department store) to avail myself of their facilities. There was a totally separate handicapped bathroom, and though there were a half-dozen people in front of me, no one would go in there at all. Indeed, the women in front of me were talking about how horrible it would be if someone were to go in and prevent a wheelchair-bound person from using it, which came as a surprise to me. But I agree with Sars – bathrooms are to be USED. Unless you’re overseas.
I usually read the comments first, but I have to provide this to my taller/larger sisters:
If you should find yourself in Valkyrie’s position – that is, no other person in the bathroom who must avail herself of the handicapped stall – and find yourself baited by someone when you get out, feel free to reply to that kind of abuse: “Oh, are you the Poo Police? I didn’t recognize you out of uniform! Or are you just pissed off because YOU WANTED TO USE THAT STALL YOURSELF?” and stalk off.
Grrrr….
Strikes me that cause and effect is a little backward in Scared’s mom’s situation. From the outside, it looks like she has been difficult for so long that it has driven away everyone who could leave. With few people left around, Scared’s mom put her feelings into animal companions. Now one of those is about to leave her too.
I don’t have much advice (although checking for health related problems sounds smart), but this sounds like a feedback loop to me. Hard to break those.
I’m a oman in a power wheelchair, and I don’t take exception to someone else using the handicapped accessible stalls. If they’re empty, I say use them, but if I go into a bathroom and there’s a line, once I can actually get close enough to avoid running people over, I’m going to go on up and wait until the other person is finished using it so I can get in. Maybe that’s not my right, but people always moves side to let me through without being asked, and if that’s a little perk I get…I’m taking it.
That said, if someone (not handicapped, particularly) gets their panties in a bunch, and asks if you’re disabled, I suggest you ask why on earth they would think that is any if their business, but thanks ever so much for the concern.
Heh. That would be woman in a wheelchair. I don’t think I’m either a good or bad omen, unless it’s early and you’re blocking my access to the coffeepot.
I’m pretty sure I can count on 0 hands the number of times I have encountered a wheelchair-bound person in the bathroom. Use the big stall and next time tell Madam Shitter Policewoman (hee, Sars!) to f*** off.
@Scared–Any chance you can provide some more info on your dad’s role here? It sounds a bit like the marital problems have gotten tossed into your lap and out of his, despite the fact that you can’t fix them from where you are and they’re his problems, not yours.
I think the medical suggestion is a great one, but I also think that you need to prepare for the possibility that she’s not going to change, and that you’re going to have to make your goal into how you want your family to be *despite* your mother rather than how to run your family to minimize her reactions. In other words, the peace and family happiness may have to come from your beginning to control your reactions to her rather than her transformation.
As far as accessible stalls go, the requirements of the building code and ADA/ANSI (depending on jurisdiction) specify the number of fixtures (stalls and sinks) and how many need to be accessible, as well as the clearances and layout of the space. There is no law that I have come across that requires the accessible stalls be exclusively reserved for the disabled. I agree with the general consensus here, that anyone disabled has first dibs but otherwise its no different from any other stall except that it is larger.
@ “Toilet” As another Valkyrie who usually uses the handicapped stall for ergonimic reasons, I’m outraged that this stupid cunt felt she could yell at you. I sympathize with your shocked silence, but I was so angry when I read this that I’m sort of hoping it happens to me sometime so I can get violent with the idiot. I’m thinking it would be justifiable homicide. Or at least a justifiable beatdown.
@Kathleen – yes, in Australia we also have the seperately designated disabled toilets (which usually also have the baby change table) and it’s not the done thing to use them if you’re not in those two categories, but we’re also increasingly seeing ladies toilets that have one extra large cubicle to accomodate prams or wheel chairs etc and I think they’re fair game all comers.
@lanehat I think the term you’re looking for is Universal Design. More here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Universal_design