The Vine: June 14, 2007
Dear Mr. and Mrs. James Bunting,
How does that feel?
I am writing a business letter (probably my second ever) for work, and have been instructed to put the header as follows:
Mr. and Mrs. Stephen Anonymous
1455 ______ Drive
Nowhere, NY 11666
In the salutation, I have been instructed to use the husband and wife’s first names:
“Dear Stephen and Underling,”
Is this still considered proper business etiquette? I would really hate a letter addressed like this, and would probably toss it upon seeing the envelope. Am I being overly sensitive or is this kind of weird? I am seeking the opinion of your sage counsel and the thoughts of your wise readers.
Would you do a poll asking if readers find being addressed as Mr. and Mrs. Husband’s-First-Name Husband’s-Last-Name to be offensive?
I would appreciate it greatly.
Sincerely,
Hyphenated and hypersensitive
Dear Ms. Hyphen-Hyper,
Well, that particular salutation feels weird to me because it means I’m married to my uncle, actually, but you had no way of knowing that.
Which is kind of what it boils down to, for me — that the only way you’d really know how I prefer to be addressed is if you ask me. I mean, let’s say I got married to Skyrockets. I don’t plan to change my name; you might know that because you read Tomato Nation and I’ve mentioned that before, but if I got a business letter addressed to both of us, rendered “Mr. and Mrs. Sky Rockets, 143 Above The Crappy Deli Ave., BK NY,” I’d be a little irritated.
But: 1) I’d be equally irritated by the presumed familiarity in the “Dear Sky and Sarah,” because that always bugs me, like in subscription-renewal letters — “Hey Sarah, it’s time to give us some money!” Yeah, not. When it’s check-writing time, how about “Ms. Bunting.” 2) Then I’d just assume that it’s a mass mailing, and that in a mass mailing, whoever’s in charge is looking for a blanket solution to addressing letters to married couples and doesn’t care to dick around with the etiquette on a case-by-case basis.
Contrast this, too, with my grandmother, who actually had a word with my father about telling me to address letters to her only as “Mrs. Grandpa’s-First-Name Bunting.” My grandfather’s name conferred status to her; she wanted it acknowledged. Different times, different strokes.
I’ll leave the comments open so the readers can weigh in, but the short form from me is: not offensive; reasonably irritating; not something I wouldn’t see the rationale behind; not something I’d lose sleep over.
Tags: Ask The Readers etiquette workplace
I kept my own name when I married. When I get mail addressed to Mr and Mrs John Smith, I a) find it annoying and know that it must be mass-market baloney, yet b) ignore it and know it’s just mass-market baloney.
I find it much much more irritating and offensive to get similarly addressed mail from family members who should know better. (Yes Nana, I mean you.)
In my book, annoying, pretty darned offensive, highly irritating. I’d use Mr. and Mrs. LastName, without FirstName, and only if they actually share the last name; otherwise, Mr. LastName and Ms. OtherName… unless you work somewhere that caters to Grandma Bunting’s generation.
True, there’s no way to know unless you ask, but I had a rousing year-long fight with Sears because AFTER they asked wouldn’t accept my answer. “Can’t we just call you Mrs. TH?” “No.” “Why not?” “Because that’s NOT MY NAME.” And a week later “May I speak to Mrs. TH, please?” “Is this Sears?”
I work for a not for profit, and have to send thank you and solicitation letters a lot. I prefer:
Mr. and Mrs. James and Sarah Bunting
and
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Bunting (if you know they’re married)
or
Dear Ms. Bunting (if it’s just the woman and you’re unsure)
Patrons from 30 something to well over 80 and nary a complaint yet!
My grandmother always signed her checks “Mrs. Ken Murray,” which kind of makes me sad (on some level I loved my gramp, but he was a borderline-abusive jackass, especially to my gram and my mom). When I’m writing formal letters like that, I have access to the land ownership records of the County where I work, and I assume generally that the way people are listed on their deeds and tax bills is the way they want to be addressed. So occasionally I’ll have a letter going to “John Doe and Jane Smith, 1313 Mockingbird Lane, Anywhere US 12345” and addressed “Dear Mr. Doe and Ms Smith” and I’ve never had anyone complain about that. I’ve never addressed a letter to “Mr. and Mrs. John Doe” in formal business correspondence, although I gather it’s the proper way to do things for wedding invitations.
Lacking any information about the people in question, to me it seems a little sexist and old-fashioned to address a letter that way. Mr. and Mrs. Stephen and Marjorie Anonymous?
If it’s a business letter, there’s no way I’d address them by their first names in the salutation (unless I knew it was a company where that sort of thing was encouraged). I’d just use “Sir and Madam.” Sounds stodgy, but being overly polite never hurt anybody.
I’m getting married in a couple of months, and I will not be changing my name. I personally would not be offended by “Mr. & Mrs. Smith”, but I will loudly take exception to any mention of “Mr. & Mrs. John Smith”. It might be reasonable to expect that I would take my husband’s last name, but I’m not giving him my whole identity. We’re still two separate people!
Just finished sending out wedding invitations, and it pained me to address them that way, “Mr. & Mrs. Steve Somebody.” But! I did have numerous invitees whose envelopes looked more like “Ms. Angie Herlastname-Hislastname & Mr. Randy Hislastname” and Dr. Amanda Herlastname & Mr. Wesley Hislastname” and so forth.
Mostly I agree with you, Sars. Understandable, mildly irritating, nothing worth blowing a gasket over. Particularly if the wife has taken the husband’s last name. This is what I intend to do (change my name, that is) and I wouldn’t find it as irritating as I might if I’d decided to keep mine.
I think the “Mr. and Mrs. Husband K” is a bit irritating, but it still seems to be the way things are done. I would prefer “Mr. and Mrs. Husband and Jen K,” but I realize that this is a long-standing form of address that people continue to use. It’s something that I just let roll.
It’s interesting to see what Sars’ grandmother said about being addressed as Mrs. Husband K. I haaaaaate that form of address–I *do* have a name, and it is *not* Husband. I have in-laws who send things to me addressed this way, and I bristle every time, but we’re not close enough that I would feel comfortable correcting them; after all, how do you politely correct someone for what they wrote on your birthday card?
I took my husband’s last name when we married and I still don’t like getting mail addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Hisname A. Being addressed as Mr. and Mrs. A doesn’t bother me as much. I really don’t like my entire identity being ignored.
I would never address somone I did not know by her/his first name — but I was born, raised (and still live) in the deep South and have a hard time addressing people older than me by their first name with out a “Miss” or “Mr.”
I used to work for a travel agency with a median customer age of, like, 105, and being the arrogant little progressive I am I insisted that we change all of the “Mr. and Mrs. Extremely Old”s in our mailings to “Mr. and Ms. Rich and Extremely Old.” We got six complaint letters.
Including one from a lady (who signed it something like “Mrs. John Q. Smith”) who said she would never use our business again.
So, um, yeah, consider your clientele before deciding how you want to go about it. If you bought your mailing list from Bust Magazine, go to, but if your average customer still calls the fridge an icebox, think twice.
Although I think you’re right that Mrs. Husbandsfirst name Husbandslastname is the most formal way to address a letter, I think that form of address is TERRIBLY old fashioned. The only person I know who would approve is my 86-year old grandma– I know my 62-year-old mom wouldn’t put up with it. I think Amy Funk has it right, especially if you’re pretty sure the recipients share the same last name.
On a side note, I do not share my last name with my husband, and by happenstance my name is the name listed in the phone book with only a first initial. Hence, telemarketers call up and ask for “Mr. Jeccat” ALL the time, which means that both my husband and I can say, truthfully, that there’s no one by that name at our number. Heh heh.
I think Mr. and Mrs. John Smith is highly offensive. Use both their first names on the address line, why the hell not?
I think I must be in the minority here–I live in Tennessee and I get mail addressed that way all the time. Mr. and Mrs. HFN HLN. Doesn’t bother me at all… But it might be weird to get a business letter that way, I usually only get more personal mailings addressed like that.
Yeah, I’d agree that, lacking information in details, these days Mr and Mrs John Smith is going to be irritating, and is unjustifiably so. Yes, people will probably get why you did that, but – they’re still going to be annoyed by it. Mr and Mrs Surname will probably cause less offence, even when Mrs Surname is actually Ms Maidenname.
The first names in salutation thing, I’m less sure, as there’s more of a cultural divide there. I’m Australian, and in Australia, you don’t get addressed by your surname much. (My father sometimes gets tetchy about this, but it’s worth noting there that mine is an immigrant family.) To the extent that being addressed as Miss/Ms (I very definitely prefer Miss) kind of weirds me out.
My mom hates it when she receives stuff as Mrs. My Dad’s First Name Their Last Name, but that is in part because she doesn’t like my dad’s first name. She also hates it when people use the honorific she spent 4 years earning. On the other hand I always had to write my grandmother as Mrs. Grandpa’s Full Name or Grandma’s Name, no title at all. I think it really is a different folks different strokes thing. I’m recently engaged and while I don’t care one way or the other if something is addressed to me once I’m married as Mrs. Fiance’s Full Name or Mrs. My Name New Last Name I’ll be really mad when I finish school if people don’t use my honorific. I think these days Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Doe or Mr. and Mrs. Doe is probably the safest bet if you know they share a last name, but also to not get too uptight about it.
Or use their intitials, my Mum and Dad always get business letters addressed to them as PN and DC H_________ and thats how I’ve always thought was best, its still formal and vague, but with enough detail to make it easy for the mailwoman to know who its for (heaps of my family in my suburb)
I remember Dear Abby used to sometimes have letters from old bats complaining that people would write to them as “Mrs. Sally Smith” when they DESERVED to be known as “Mrs. John Smith”.
To me, that says they don’t even need to exist. All John Smith has to do is marry a human female, and she’s Mrs. John Smith. If that one’s inconsiderate enough to die, he can get a new one.
Unless I know for sure the recipient likes to be called Mrs. Something, I always use Ms. Maidenname. After all, men are always Mr. Something, married or single.
My grandmother signs checks Mrs. Boy’sname Lastname, Sr. Which means she relies on both my grandfather and my father for her identity (otherwise it wouldn’t be “Sr.”). Wow. But as MeganT says, it’s her status. She chooses to use it.
I kept my own name when I married. But I still think it’s cute to get letters addressed to Mr. And Mrs. Hubbyfirstname Hubbylastname. I think because I’ve kept my own name, it’s more like adding an extra option and less like subtracting my own identity. I feel like I’m entitled to properly use his name but I am still me and my name–all of it–is still mine.
I don’t expect most people sending me mail to get the whole concept; they are probably just trying to be polite. But addressing you in a way that you have personally communicated is offensive to you? That’s reason enough NEVER to do business at Sears again, in my book. You get to decide your own name. Sears can go take a flying leap.
For a while there, my university kept sending things like alumni magazines and reminders about families weekend to “Mr. and Mrs. Dad’sfirstname Ourlastname.” First time I saw this, I was very tempted to set the envelope on fire. Two reasons: One, women have their own names. (I know — revolutionary, right?) Two, my mother *died* two months after I enrolled at that place, and the university *did too know*, so it was just plain wrong on the face of it.
Every once in a while we still get telemarketers asking for her when they find out my father is not available. It is a quite useful way to determine who we don’t need to fool with in the future.
I don’t know if this is just regional or what, but I live in south TX and seeing Mr. and Mrs. John Doe is fairly frequent – from wedding invites to hubby’s work missives. Perhaps the exposure has numbed me to offense? Doesn’t bother me at all. The (admittedly few) friends I have who keep their own names don’t seem to mind, either.
Now. If I could only get my grad school to stop addressing things to “The Parents of Mandy Gradstudent” despite the fact that I’m 28, married, have two children, and have paid for my entire secondary education.
Whatever you do, no “Miss.” Ever. Even if the letter is being addressed only to a woman and you are positive she is unmarried. I know Sars has touched on the English language’s need for a salutation for unmarried women who are too old to be “Miss”es and too young to be “Ma’am”s, but it bears repeating. Honestly, nothing infurates me more in a business correspondence. My college’s alumni association insists on addressing letters to me as “Miss FirstName LastName,” and it always feels very deameaning and disrespectul and makes me want to shout, “I AM AN ADULT, DAMN IT.” I am twenty-effing-seven years old, damn it – if you want me to send you money, stop addressing me like a teenager.
There is no way this should be considered proper business (or wedding) etiquette. It’s outdated, it’s presumptuous, and it’s offensive. Language is powerful–usage both indicates and enables cultural shifts, and I think it’s a mistake to dismiss this kind of stuff as “no big deal.” If you’ve got access to both full names, I say use them.
That just sounds icky to me. Very sexist for this day and age. What I hate most of all is being called ‘Miss’ by everyone from my bank to my work. Even my university email lists my name on out-going emails as ‘Miss Emma White’, and this is unchangable! It’s so annoying considering that they ask you what you what to be called, and I tick ‘Ms’ every time, but they just chose to ignore that. My marital status dosn’t define me, bitches!
Andipandi, I am standing right next to you, glaring at my husband’s Grandma. Even on my birthday cards, the envelope on the outside and the check instead put me as Mrs. her darling grandson. Irritates me every freakin’ time. Lover her, lover her grandson, cannot stand the imposed moniker.
I get rather offended at the thought that somewhere out there, someone may think that just because I’m married, I have no identity or status of my own, just that conferred on me by my husband. Bite me. You’ll never get a cent from me if you don’t acknowledge I’m a person in my own right.
I kept my name when i got married. If we get mail to “Mr. and Mrs. John Smith,” it means they don’t me (or that it is one particular and peculiar relative who is still living in the 1950s.) It is somewhat annoying, and the company /charity is loosing my good will – something that strongly effects whether i do business with them.
I can remember that etiquette books as late as the early 90s said that the proper form of address for a widow was “Mrs. John Smith” while the proper form of address for a divorcee was “Mrs. Jane Smith.” I haven’t looked into any etiquette books since then.
I would argue that times have changed a lot since the 50s, especially in the area of women maintaining their names for professional and personal reasons. I think that companies/charities can either use our preferred forms, or with Morgan’s response, i go with the Dear Sir and Madam, or even Dear Sir or Madam. Stodgy , yes. But they don’t loose my good will and my business.
And they aren’t pretending to be close friends, who would know better.
I’d hate to be Mr and Mrs Jon Whosit, but wouldn’t have a problem with Mr and Mrs Whosit, I have a given name and that’s not going to change even if I change my last when I marry. It’s going to get complicated for me anyway, I’m working on a Ph.D and when I finish I plan to be Dr. MaidenName at work and, once I marry. GivenName Whosit socially.
Is it odd that I have no trouble thinking of myself as MyName Whosit, but being MRS Whosit sounds weird to me?
Anyway,
Historically in the landed classes (in England this is) Mr and Mrs Whosit was the eldest son and his wife. Mr and Mrs HisFirstName Whosit was an indicator that he was a second or third son and so slightly lower down the social scale. So you could say that using the first name in the address is an insult and unless there are two couples with the same name at the exact same address it’s unnecessary.
I say if you have any more info use it as an indication of names, but drop the first name and go for Mr and Mrs Whosit where there’s no other info.
Good Luck with the addressing anyway.
Heh, I didn’t change my name when I got married. A few months ago, we received an invitation addressed as:
Lt. Cmdr. and Mr. Karissa [Mylastname]
I had a blast calling my husband “Mr. Karissa”.
Hey, just be glad you aren’t married to a physician. I just love being referred to as Mrs. Dr. J!
Actually, part of the reason I decided to go ahead and marry after 11+ years of cohabitation was that I was sick of correcting the world that I ~wasn’t~ Mrs. J. My maiden name was 7 letters, his (now ours) last name is 9 letters, so there was no way I was going to hyphenate that bugger. I don’t mind the old fashioned Mrs. Joe Jones, neither do I mind Mrs. Sarah Jones. I generally refer to myself as Ms, though, just because I feel like I’m too young (at 46?!) to be a Mrs.
In a business letter though, I would not ude the 1st names unless directly requested to do so by the addressees (did I make that word up?). If I recieved a business letter addressed that way, I’d circular file it fast.
As a newlywed, I railed against changing my name and have usually won. The only people that can call me Mrs. B are relatives over 60 who want to, and the electric company (because they’re twits).
If I received mail addressed to Mr. and Mrs B I would expect they either, really don’t know us, or they really do. If in neither category, then I don’t do business with them.
However, different strokes for folks and my 24 year old newlywed friend will NOT do business with people that do not address them as Mr. and Mrs. C
Bottom line, leave it as is, and when you graduate to writing as opposed to being dictated to write, start addressing how you would prefer to be addressed.
I work in a law firm and write letters all the time to married couples whom I’ve never met. I do, usually, have some information about their names, relationships, etc. Obviously, if the couple has different last names, they should make a point of clarifying that in any written submissions to a corporate entity or charitable cause. I mean, when you’re donating, donate as “John Doe and Mary Smith”–you use the same address and we can figure out the fact that you’re either married or in some kind of domestic partnership.
If the couple is using the same last name, I usually address the letter to John and Mary Doe, leaving out the Mr. and Mrs. part in the address section itself. In the salutation, I use “Dear Mr. and Mrs. Doe” until I reach a point where I’ve spoken to them on the phone, dealt with them personally and, generally, have reached a point where we’re all comfortable using each other’s first names. Then “Dear John and Mary” works.
I feel like I’m in that scene from “Something to Talk About” when they’re debating how the women’s recipe’s should be listed: by their married names or their own first names.
Obviously, mass mailing people are going to do whatever the heck their database says to.
On the other hand, it does get my goat if a personal relation sends a formal piece of correspondence (such as a wedding invitation) addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Smith. I did end up taking his last name, mostly for the damn convenience of it, so I am ok with Mr. and Mrs. Smith, or Mr. and Mrs. Toni and Christopher Smith. However, I am NOT Christopher, and do not want to be addressed as such.
We lived together before we were married, so some of the utility bills were under my maiden name. It was always funny when the company would address Chris as Mr. Maidenname and he would get all upset. I didn’t have much sympathy.
It irritates me when I get Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirst Ourlast . I am not Mrs. Him ! I am my own person. I have a cookbook from my grandma’s church from about 15 years ago, and where they list the provider of the recipe, most of them look like this: Mrs. Warren Cook (Betty) , as though her first name is an afterthought.
I think the problem people have with this is the _assumption_ that you want to be called a certain thing. For instance, I took my husband’s name when we got married. I’d waited a long time to get married and was proud of it, gosh darn it (not proud enough to sign checks as “Mrs. VNB LastName,” but still). Now when a certain aunt of my husband’s addresses everything to me as Leia MiddleName MaidenName LastName, it bugs the crap out of me…not so much because she’s doing it, but because she _assumed_ that that’s how I want to be addressed. It also bugs me when I get junk mail addressed to Leia MaidenName (I spent a lot of time in lines getting that changed!), but then I recognize it for what it is – an old database – and move on. It’s not worth getting my knickers in a twist about.
But it sounds to me like you’re trying to be sensitive on what’s a potentially volatile subject. If you’re _really_ concerned and this isn’t a huge mass mailing, then the most polite thing to do, imo, would be to call the parties, ask how they like to be addressed, and adjust your company’s database accordingly.
If it _is_ a huge mass mailing and you’re dealing with that beast which is Mail Merge, then I’d say that a standard format of John and Jane Doe, with Sir and Madam on the inside would be appropriate. It bypasses the issue of Mrs. vs. Ms. (not to mention Dr.) and the assumption that she likes to be addressed by her husband’s first name.
I don’t love “Mr. and Mrs. John Smith” either, but “Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Smith” makes me twitch. Too much “and,” for one thing, and it implies that the parties are Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Jane Smith, which … argh. I had a heavy-into-Miss-Manners mom, and she impressed upon me that a married woman is never Mrs. HerFirst. With titles, there is no way to please everyone, I think.
My grandmother also preferred to be Mrs. HisFirst, long after my grandfather died. That may have been why — even 30 years after his death, she could still claim a little piece of him.
i just dealt with this last night at work. i had some wives’ names but not most so i was expected to address everything to “mr. and mrs. bill clinton.” like hell i would. if the wife’s name was listed, i opted for “mr. and mrs. bill and hillary clinton.” if not, i just wrote “mr. and mrs. clinton.”
as far as i’m concerned, it’s not my problem that you’re stuck in 1910 and i don’t see why the very, very few women who prefer that should decide for everyone.
It bothers me, but it depends on if you were asked to address it that way for a specific reason, or if that’s just policy. In my opinion, it sounds pretty old fashioned. But, as a lot of people have mentioned, a lot of older people prefer that. My husband’s grandmother, even now that her husband is gone, still adresses everything as Mrs. husband’s name. That bothers me, but she prefers to be addressed that way.
I would question it, and if it is insisted that you address it that way, stick with it. It may be for a reason.
My mom was 40 when she had me (and I’m 38 now), but she taught me that Mrs. HerFirstName HisLastName was NEVER proper unless you were writing to a widow.
I’m still twitchy about that to this day. Someone’s going to have to tie me down and very gently convince me that’s no longer proper.
(more on the original topic — what about if you’ve got a John HisLast and Mary HerLast-HisLast? Do you address to Mr. & Mrs. HerLast-HisLast?)
I would leave out the “and” altogether and format the header like this:
Mr. Ichthyosis Vulgaris
Ms. Verruca Vulgaris
1455 ______ Drive
Nowhere, NY 11666
I ditto Sars’s point about not using first names in the salutation, so I’d write the salutation as “Dear Mr. and Ms. Vulgaris.” And I believe that proper punctuation for a saluatation in a business letter is a colon, not a comma.
Getting letters addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. Ichthyosis Vulgaris” really doesn’t bother me too much. I just assume that what’s on the envelope/letter is what’s in the database.
I kept my name, and most people send stuff to Mr. His Name and Ms. My Name, with the notable exception of our grandmothers, both of whom send my mail to Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName. I find it irritating. They both know I kept my name. Equally irritating – I recently had a baby shower and my friend, who knows better, put my name in the invitations as Kate MyLastName HisLastName.
I don’t find it particularly irritating in mass mailings, etc., where it’s not personal. And I don’t care when people who don’t know that I kept my name refer to me as Mrs. HisLastName. But when his identity subsumes mine, like I don’t even have a FIRST name, it pisses me off.
When I get mass-marketing letters / letters from businesses, I really don’t care that much how I am addressed. If it’s something I’m interested in, I’m going to read it regardless of how they addressed it, and if it’s not, I’m going to toss it.
This question is a lot like grammar – it isn’t an issue of what you think. It’s about a rule that is proper to follow in business.
Letters are addressed, when addressed to a couple, as Mr. and Mrs. James Bunting. Mr. and Mrs. James and Sarah Bunting is awkward. Mr. James Bunting and Ms. Sarah Doe is proper when the couple use different last names.
As a business person, I form an opinion of my correspondent by what I see. If the Buntings request that you use an improper form, then by all means do so. Until that time comes, follow the conventions and leave your personal opinion out of it.
Totally offensive. I am myself, not an appendage to my spouse. It’s OK when my grandmothers do that, but my mother-in-law has already been told that it’s not acceptable. I took the boy’s last name and that was enough.
As for the wedding invites, nope. Still sexist, no matter what the etiquette books might say.
I’d find it totally offensive, in these (slightly more) enlightened days!
Personally I would seriously question whether I wanted to do business with any company that is comfortable with erasing a married woman’s entire identity in this way.
It echoes the bad old days when women lost all rights to their own assets upon marriage, meaning that any question regarding business needed to be addressed to their new owner, the resident male. Euw.
I would have to assume it is in line with the company’s values and ethics across the board, which in turn would make me wonder how they treat their own female staff and executives… and not needing the hassle of thinking about that, I’d simply go elsewhere.
Mr & Mrs Anonymous has the advantage of echoing the current norm, where women take their husband’s surname (and most women’s surnames are their father’s anyway, so it’s less of a position to defend) but our first names symbolise our identity as individuals, and so should be honoured.
May I quote Garner? “…unless you’re involved in a debate about sexism, you’ll probably want a style, on the one hand, that no reasonable person could call sexist, and ont he other hand, that never suggests you’re contorting your language to be nonsexist.” So, not policeman and not police person; simply, police officer. Of course, salutations are a little different because of the formality, but still, I think a savvy business person should be sensitive.
To respond to the poll directly, I agree it’s reasonably irritating. Of course, this is from someone who went off on a door-to-door guy one day because (a) I had noticed his form had at the top “Husband” and “Wife” to track answers to his survey, and (b) he overstayed his welcome–it was really more the latter that peeved me, but as a “and also…I’ve never liked that yellow shirt!” kind of retort, I threw in a “Btw, I know many single people, as well as gay and lesbian couples, so you might want to change your survey headings to something that reflects more social awareness, such as Residents, perhaps Resident A and Resident B if you assume two.” I’m sure that he reflected on that long and hard. ;)
I’d take the instruction in this case; it’s possible that the person who told you to do this knows that the person in question prefers this form of salutation. Where I work, for example, we do it this way quite a bit because we have a lot of older customers. However, I agree with most everyone that Mr. and Ms. LastName is a pretty good way to go if you don’t know the situation.
And also agreed with andipandi that family members addressing the envelopes in a way opposed to what you’ve asked for is very nearly hanging offense. Especially when you’re the woman who didn’t take your husband’s name and his family does it passive-agressively. Grrrr.
Back when I was married, I hated getting mail addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname. What was even worse was getting mail addressed to just me…but as Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname. I usually dealt with the situation by using humor. Example:
“You know, when I took my husband’s name, I only thought I was getting the surname. What a lovely surprise that I got the whole thing! Like a gift with purchase!”
Usually the vendor or misguided relative would laugh and get my name right from there on out.
When I married at 22 I really didn’t want to take my husband’s last name but succumbed to family pressure. I used to throw everything away that was addressed to Mrs. D. K. because that wasn’t my name, until a check arrived from the wealthy grandparents, made out to Mr. and Mrs. D. K. I gritted my teeth and endorsed the check, “Mrs. D. K.” I’m not offended when I get mass mailings addressed to the D. K.s, they’re trying to do what’s easiest for them and I usually don’t read it anyway. But I really am offended when family members do it, when they should know better, we’ve been married 23 years and I’m sure everyone is aware of how I feel about it by now.
While Mr. and Mrs. Stephen Lastname ought still to be acceptable, why not just go with Mr. and Mrs. Stephen and Janet Lastname.
If you want to be hypersensitive (not judging), you should make sure that they share the last name. My wife has kept her name (so far, at least for the first 5 years), but doesn’t think it’s a big deal to get mail to “Ken and Her-name MyLastname” or “Ken, Hername, Kid1 and Kid2 MyLastname” or “The MyLastname family.” Some would.
As for the salutation – by whom have you been “instructed” to use “Dear Stephen and Janet?” I don’t have a problem, since those are their names, but as Sars noted it could be annoying. On the other hand, I’m not sure how to handle that for a salutation with different last names. “Dear Mr. Davis and Ms. Martin?” Seems cumbersome.
What I like is when we send stuff to my brother and sister-in-law, who’s a doctor – “Mr. and Dr. Lastname.” Heh.
While I agree that the “Mr. and Mrs. John Smith” thing seems … negating somehow, it’s the traditional form, which is probably why companies use it (also, it’s quicker than putting individual names). From an etiquette perspective, the traditional form also prohibits the use of “Mrs.” with a woman’s first name, so you shouldn’t see “Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Sally Smith”. My personal preference when I send business mail is to avoid the honorific, and thereby avoid the drama of what to call someone. “John and Sally Smith” causes a lot less trouble (unless, of course, she kept her last name of Jones, in which case it should be “John Smith and Sally Jones”).
And in a business letter I would not address people by thier first names unless I’d been instructed to do so by the people I’m writing to. Because you don’t need the first names there, I would go with “Dear Mr. and Mrs. Smith” or “Dear Mr. Smith and Ms. Jones.”
Yeah, hi. I’m Julanne and I read too much Miss Manners.