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The Vine

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The Vine: March 20, 2013

Submitted by on March 20, 2013 – 9:47 AM53 Comments

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I am 38 and have two gorgeous sons, the eldest of which is three and pretty much the most awesome kid ever to have graced the planet (not that I’m biased). My younger son was born thirteen weeks prematurely, and is now almost five months old (or about two months old corrected). He has been home from hospital for about six weeks. He is also, needless to say, extraordinary — we call him Superman.

In my non-parenting life I work full-time in a fairly responsible and prestigious job (I know how that sounds, but I don’t know how to put it otherwise.) I have been off work since I began having pregnancy complications, and I will probably continue to be off until summer. My baby is perfectly healthy except for his lungs; he was ventilated for two weeks and as a result now has something called chronic lung disease, or bronchopulmonary dysplasia (BPD). He is on supplementary oxygen for now, and probably will be at least until the cold and flu season is over. As he gets bigger his lungs will grow and become stronger, and as an adult he will most likely be perfectly normal but with a tendency toward chest infections.

So my preschooler is still in full-time preschool, partly because he adores it and partly because I can’t look after him properly with the baby. Because Charlie (the baby) is still so small, colds and coughs will, for him, most likely require hospitalisation. This puts a major damper on socialising etc. The doctors told me to “live my life as normal,” but also said to avoid small children, crowded places, shopping malls, supermarkets…you get the idea. I find these pieces of advice incompatible, but whatever.

So far Charlie has not yet been ill and is growing at an impressive rate. Jake, the older boy, is a great big brother and has adapted to the situation like a pro. My husband is wonderful, though insanely busy with work; he is home on time but generally starts working after the boys are in bed and finishes around 11 PM.

So…I’m lonely. And stressed. I want to go out but a) health concerns and b) my son’s implacable hatred of his pram preclude that (we don’t have a car). My friends are either working or have children of their own, and therefore can’t really be around Charlie. My family live in another country, and my husband’s family, who are wonderful, are not nearby. I spend my days, after dropping Jake off, sitting at home watching bad daytime television and looking after Charlie. He is lovely but, at eight weeks (corrected), still very small and young (he is not yet properly smiling. I’m trying not to panic about that. Or about all the possible things that may be lying in wait for us as he gets older, all of which are unlikely but still OUT THERE: cerebral palsy, learning difficulties, ADHD…nothing feeds paranoia like being home alone all the time). My only other outings are to the hospital for various appointments, which is not particularly fun or relaxing.

I’m trying to stay normal and healthy and everything, but it’s an uphill battle. I guess what I’m asking for is reassurance that I’m normal and will come out the other side and for any tips on how to make the next six months or so more bearable. I’m sorry this is so long and blibbering. Thanks for anything you can tell me. And if what you tell me is “suck it up, buttercup,” that would be okay too.

Oh, the Joys of Parenting

Dear Joy,

What you’ve just described — that a case of emetophobia so classic that I think there’s a woodcut of me in the DSM-IV — is one of the chief reasons I won’t be having little ones of my own. Every time Master Stupidhead takes off at top speed anywhere near a wet leaf, I can barely watch. And he’s not even my kid. “Helicopter parent,” forget it; I’d be that dome from the Simpsons movie. “Get off me, Ma, it’s time for college.” “No.”

But with all that said: yes, of course this is normal. You all spent the first weeks of Charlie’s life in the NICU, and no matter how well a hospital or neo-natal team handles the transition home, it’s really scary, I’m guessing, after a month (or longer) of tubes and breathing machines and someone with medical training nearby 24/7, to be handed your bundle and wished good luck. This is hard when it’s grown-ups. Then you go home and every other story on the Yahoo! homepage is about the hockey-enforcer MRSA that’s coming to kill us all, so in my childless opinion, “long and blibbering” is appropriate.

On top of that, you nailed it with this: “Nothing feeds paranoia like being home alone all the time.” Because you know what you can do when you’re not on a walk, or at a mommy group, or somewhere you might otherwise be if Charlie weren’t quite so immunologically frail right now? You can look on the internet and drive yourself fucking crazy. And it feels like you really can’t change the situation: your husband works, you shouldn’t expose Charlie to anything, and he won’t get in the stroller.

I’m going to hand this off to the readers shortly, because there’s no substitute for firsthand intel and I have zipperooni, but: pick one aspect of this situation to change, or shift, somehow, if for no other reason than to let yourself feel active and not trapped. I am absolutely not going to contradict the advice of Charlie’s doctors; I am going to point out that, with another kid in full-time preschool, y’all are already getting exposed to the full gamut of cooties. Sooooo it might not be out of bounds to have a friend or two over, now and then, understanding ones who don’t mind enjoying the complimentary Purell shvitz at your place. Or to sit your husband and doctor down and say that you’re climbing the walls, and can everyone work together on a solution, be it giving you a night off every week to go talk to a counselor and vent, or work on a gradual strategy to introduce Charlie to the world and its many germs, or whatever. Or to begin putting Charlie in the pram for a few minutes, and then a few minutes more, and understand that babies sometimes hate shit and cry about it and it doesn’t make you a bad mom, obviously, because your three-year-old is great and that’s your doing. Or to find a parents’ group near you that’s focused on the concerns of “corrected age” babies, so you don’t have to feel sad that Charlie isn’t “already” doing whatever awesome thing, which he will do when he’s ready, and not for nothing but parents lie like rugs about that stuff all the time. “Ruby’s on solids — and sonnets!” Oh, excuse us.

tl;dr version: Pick a thing to change about the situation, make a plan, and try not to feel guilty about it. This period is very isolating and anxious for you, and it doesn’t make you weak or selfish to want out from under it. It makes you a good parent who’s able to recognize that she’s overwhelmed, and look for solutions. And it sounds like your husband is on board with Team Joy; he’s just busy. You can make it work.

Maybe these suggestions aren’t practicable, and like I said, what do I know, but even if Superman is like, “Please observe the cape: I don’t do strollers,” this won’t last forever. You’re doing great.

Readers: Joy’s about had it. Throw her a line.

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53 Comments »

  • Tessa says:

    Just a quick thing about carriers: a lot of places have sling libraries where you can try different slings out, and rent different models before you buy. That way you can see what works best for you and your son. Maybe google around your area and see what you can find.
    And I hear you on the isolation. I also live in a different country from my friends and family and my husband works long hours. I’ve found the internet and mom forums a godsend. I think I would have gone (even more) crazy after my seconds birth. I’m in the UK and there’s lots of online support groups like netmums and local facebook groups. Might be some in your area as well.

  • meltina says:

    Oh my. I haven’t had to deal with a preemie (crossing fingers, because I’m having a second child, and there’s still time for things to go wrong), but the climbing the walls and feeling trapped? Been there. My daughter never wanted to be in anything but my arms the first three months. No gliding chairs, no crib, nothing. She eventually took to a stroller, and as a toddler (2) she loves ‘sroller’ rides (so there’s hope!!!!). It just had to be her idea, and it’s really more interesting to them when their eyesight sharpens enough that they can see things, and corrected for age your Charlie won’t be there for a few weeks.

    Here’s the advice I was given (amended a bit given you’re dealing with a tinier, more delicate preemie) at the time.

    (a) Get an infant carrier. A sturdy one with a padded infant insert, which is a must before they can hold up their own neck (and depending on the brand works up to shelter up to 12-15 lbs of baby inside the larger carrier). We were talked into the Ergo carrier, and boy did it feel pricier than comparable ones at the time (all told, we spent about $150 on carrier proper and insert). We’ve also heard good things about Baby Bjorns and Beco carriers, btw, we just happened to find the Ergo better than the rest of the selection at the time we went hunting for ours.

    We live in Seattle, which means that when my daughter was tiny it was winter, and it wasn’t necessarily great walking weather, but whenever it wasn’t raining/awful out, we’d go for short walks. My daughter did so well in it that I started wearing her like that most of the time she wanted to be held and I wanted to be able to do other things (and she wanted to be held a lot! Some babies just need the extra skin contact, it’s great for them developmentally too). Bonus: people always accosted my infant in a stroller, but in the tiny days of her and the carrier, no one got close enough to touch her!

    (b) Depending on the part of the country you live, there are lots of parent support groups for people who don’t have family nearby, including groups geared exclusively for parents of preemies. Our parent group met once a week, sometimes with kids, sometimes without (i.e., one set of parents got a girl/boy night out), and the socializing kept me sane. Other parents of preemies will have either the same concerns as you, or might even have more restrictions than you do. Either way, at least you’ll have people who sympathize with you to vent with!

    (c) Lastly, I will share my pediatrician’s rule: no freaking out about any milestone delays until the kid hits 1 and is behind in more than one. My kid, while by all means perfectly normal and healthy at birth, rolled at 2 months and then refused to do it again for four more months, took 3 more months to learn to crawl, and was barely cruising at 1 when other tykes her age were zooming up and down playgrounds. But she does everything she needs to do when it’s her idea, on her own schedule, and she won’t budge come hell or high water (a former daycare teacher was freaking out because she wasn’t chatty. Later that year, she was placed with an older group, and started talking up a storm. The new daycare teacher “We didn’t expect it. We were told she was the opposite of a chatterbox!”).

    Not saying little Charlie will be like that, but you’re still new to each other, and you just don’t know each other well. You might be doing everything to make him smile right now, but you haven’t hit on the one thing that will really push him to it. FYI, I worried that my daughter would never laugh, and eventually she did: mommy just had to trip on her carrier and almost fall flat on her face, but boy, did she find her laughter then!!!

  • MinglesMommy says:

    Can you hire/find an extra pair of hands to help you out? You’re doing a great job, but you really need some “you/adult” time to help you with the stress.

    In addition to finding some online mom support, see if there’s anyone out there who does mommy’s helper stuff near you … I do it myself (part-time nanny-sitter) and my motto is, EVERY parent needs an extra pair of hands sometimes!

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