The Vine: March 3, 2006
Dear Sars,
I’ve been working happily away at a non-profit arts organization for many years now, and my boss just announced that she plans to leave the company, a not-so-big surprise. In addition to being a stellar boss, she has acted as a buffer — shielding her entire department from ineffectual leadership at the top.
So now I’m brushing up my resume and preparing to look for a new position in the likely event that said ineffectual leadership will hire someone deeply wrong for her position. I am not interested in the position myself, and they have already begun bandying about names of inappropriate people (they’re getting all nepotism-y).
Anyhoo — I am considering a defection to the for-profit world and have IDed a company I’d like to work for. They are not currently hiring, but I have exchanged one or two emails with the director I’d be interested in working for on a trivial matter that can’t have impressed her one way or the other about my abilities. One of our board members — one of the sharp ones — also works for this corporation, in a different department, but I have had minimal interaction with him.
Finally! My question: is it appropriate to send the director I’d like to work for a note and resume unsolicited? She may or may not recall me, and seeing my current workplace may send her to the board member who doesn’t know me in a working situation. I haven’t broadcast the fact that I’m considering leaving, but I’ve told a few people here.
I am probably over-thinking this.
Thanks,
Can you tell I haven’t been in the job market for a while?
Dear Tell,
I would not send a c.v. unsolicited; maybe this is just me, but when I know that a petitioner knows I’m not hiring — or should, if she’s done her homework — I find it irritating if I get a job query anyway.
But if you’ve had contact with her before, you could send her a quick note reminding her of when, and who you are, and briefing her very broad-strokes-ily on the situation before asking if you may send her your materials — or if she has any suggestions.
I’m all for working contacts, and in fact it’s a necessity in today’s working world, but it’s best to get the contact in question’s permission and not come off too presumptuous.
Sars,
I was a military brat and moved to a small town three years ago. I became close quickly with a girl we can call Jane. She is in the grade below me, but after I graduated and went off to college and met lots of new people, she has pretty much been the only friend from high school with whom I still spend time. We talk daily.
Cue in her boyfriend. He started out nice enough; they were on-and-off while I was in high school with them. Everyone knew he had some serious depression problems. He seemed to be doing all right with them, plus he was in a band with a lot of mutual friends, plus he was BFF’s boyfriend, so, you know, I had no problem with him, but I didn’t go out of my way to include him in my life.
Then, sometime during last summer, he went batshit insane. Suddenly, Jane had a curfew, Jane could only see certain people, Jane had to call to check in, Jane couldn’t go out with her friends on the nights he was out with his friends, he could drink and get high and experiment with scary drugs like speed and cocaine, but Jane couldn’t touch anything stronger than orange juice. Jane got mono and he manipulated her into giving him her medications so he could sell them. I spent many a night with Jane as she sobbed about how she just didn’t know what to do — he needed help and she felt she couldn’t abandon him. Plus she loved him. Plus 2% of the time he was fun to be around (Jane should not be a betting woman). I suggested talking to her parents, to a counselor, dumping his ass, et cetera.
It occurred to me somewhere during all of this that this is more of a Degrassi episode than real life. This shit is too dramatic to be happening to teenagers. It seems like it teeters on the edge of a very dangerous slope — he could pull this controlling crap NOW, but how long before he hits her? I relayed my concerns to Jane and she said she knew and agreed. She tried to dump him several times, but each time he would call claiming to be suicidal without her. My question: if he needs her that much, why can’t he treat her like a human being?
So then, I got an email from him telling me I am repulsive and to basically just fuck off and die. Next, I got a call from her saying we couldn’t be friends anymore, because he decided I wasn’t good for her. Sars, I never involved myself in their relationship. I thought it fucked way the hell up, but unless she brought it up, I never talked about it. As far as I can see, I have done the best I could being a friend for someone whose business with this jerk doesn’t really include me. I don’t think I deserved that, but I also think that’s a selfish way to look at things. This is more about her needing help than my feelings being hurt.
A part of me is really mad I’m now being dragged into it (or out of it?). A part of me is really mad Jane is putting up with this shit. It seems to me from our talks she knows how ridiculous this is, but is just waiting until something happens without her having to put forth any real effort, because if she breaks up with him and he DOES kill himself, she doesn’t want that on her hands. A part of me is really mad he doesn’t just kill himself already. A part of me wants to realize I am in college now and don’t have to deal with any of them anymore. A part of me wants to call the cops on him for his drug use and the harassing emails and call her mother to give her a bit of a heads-up. And thusly, I write to you.
Sign me,
Friendships have a lifespan, but I’d rather not see Jane’s actual lifespan end because her boyfriend is psychotic. Also, I’d like my friend back.
Dear Back,
The guy’s controlling and abusive. Jane knows that, and she stays with him anyway. Guys like that can be hard to get away from, or rid of, and I’m not unsympathetic to Jane’s fears in the situation, but at a certain point, you have to acknowledge that she’s made various choices — to let him control her, to tolerate his behavior — and there isn’t much you can do to influence them. You’ve tried, and failed.
Send her an email or a letter telling her that you don’t think this is “her,” and that you hope she understands she’s letting her boyfriend ruin her friendships and isolate her from other people — not to mention that he’s threatened you. You’re there for her, but you aren’t going to tolerate his behavior anymore even if she doesn’t see that it’s out of line — and that includes telling someone in a position to intercede if you think she’s in physical danger.
But the thing with guys like this is, this is what they want. This kind of drama puts them in the perfect “it’s us against the world, baby, they’re just trying to break us up because they don’t get it” position to influence someone like Jane who, if you’ll forgive me, is emotionally very young and therefore susceptible to this kind of horseshit. I mean, not that his behavior is her fault, obviously, but when she gets sick and he sells her meds, and she still doesn’t dump him? I know you’re concerned for her, but she’s not getting it, and unfortunately, you can’t really make her.
If you really think he’s going to escalate things, you might consider bringing her parents into the loop, but: see previous paragraph. Perceived ganging-up is catnip to douchebags like this guy. Keep an eye on the situation, if you can, but if you can’t, or you can’t influence Jane to get a grip? Forgive yourself. There’s only so much you can do, from college, to get another adult to see sense.
Sars —
I’m eighteen and in my first semester of college. I attend a major university about seven hours away from my hometown by car. I come home for the weekend maybe once every month and a half. I think this is a pretty good balance for me, but I’m having issues with my family, specifically my parents, when I do get to come home.
I’ll get into town, after driving for seven hours while praying my stupid piece-of-crap car doesn’t explode, and immediately be bombarded with chores and errands to run for my parents.
“Hey guys, I’m home!”
“Good. You need to go pick up some bread and orange juice, mail this package, deposit this check at the bank, and take the dog to get groomed.”
“Okay, um, can I get my bags out of the car first?”
I’m not bratty or spoiled by any means. I’m the middle child of five kids and I’m used to helping my parents out quite a bit. But it seems like they’re saving their most dreaded chores for when they know I’m coming into town. I’ve talked to my two older sisters, who are both at the same college, one only 45 minutes away from home, and neither of them have dealt with what I’m going through now. Even when I was living at home I felt like I was depended on more heavily than anyone else, but I thought that once I moved out it would get better. If anything, it’s getting worse.
I’m certainly not opposed to running a few loads of laundry, doing the dishes, or raking the yard or whatever, but I don’t want to spend my entire weekend at home cleaning out the garage. I live seven hours away from most of my extended family and friends from high school, I’d like to have time to see them when I’m at home. My parents expect me to plan my schedule around what they need me to do. I’ve had to cancel plans with friends to drive my little sister and all her friends to the movies, and after arriving home after midnight I was woken up at six-thirty the next morning to take my little brother to basketball practice because my dad was “tired.”
Instead of screaming, “YOU’RE tired, jackass? WHAT ABOUT ME?” I just do what they want. The few times I’ve tried to complain I’ve been shut down completely and they’ve always seemed really peeved that I would even think of saying no. I don’t want to seem ungrateful, they keep a room for me at home, pay for my car insurance and cell phone, and split my school costs with me, but I’m taking eighteen hours, adjusting to life in a new city where I know exactly no one, and trying to maintain my sanity and when I come home I want to be able to chill a little. I’m sick of being run ragged the second I walk through the door without so much as a “Thank you, darling.”
I know I’m the third kid going off to college and this is all probably old hat to them, but it’s new to me and I’d appreciate maybe a few inquiries about how I’m liking my new home, if I’m making new friends, and if my grades are good (straight As, Sars, STRAIGHT As! I didn’t even have that in high school!) before being asked to clean the toilets with my toothbrush or whatever.
I just really don’t know how to approach them on this with out seeming lazy, ungrateful, and downright bratty. My parents suffer no fools (except, occasionally, themselves), and I don’t want to tick them off and feel uncomfortable coming home. I love seeing everyone and getting away from school every once in a while, but I don’t feel like I’m getting as much out of my trips home as I should be.
Any advice?
Thanks,
My name is Sarah too!
Dear Sarah,
Stop going home so often; if you do go home with the same frequency, start staying with friends; if your parents ask why, tell them you spend the bulk of your time at home doing chores for them and feeling unappreciated, and you don’t like that, so you’re not going to do it anymore.
And you really shouldn’t. Somewhere along the line, this is how you all trained each other to behave, and it does seem to me like you go home a little too often. I went to college 42 miles from my hometown and I didn’t go home as often as you do; I think you need to start cutting that cord. Spend free weekends at school instead of in the car for eight hours, doing your homework instead of your parents’ housework. You’re 18. You don’t live at home anymore. Your parents aren’t comfortable with that on some level — and on some level, you aren’t either, because you keep going back and letting them treat you like the help when, really, there’s nothing in it for you.
I suppose there’s only so much backbone you can grow if you need your parents to keep helping to pay for college, but…you kind of do this to yourself, you know? If you don’t want your parents to order you around, don’t put yourself in a position to receive orders, or pleasantly remind them that you’re not paid help and refuse to carry the orders out.
Dearest Sars —
So I’ve written this a hundred different ways, but here’s the most
boiled-down version I could come up with. Say you’re married.
To a great guy. Kind, sweet, treats you like an angel, good
provider, loves watching hours of TV with you, and so on. You have
a fantastic marriage. Except for that you have a terrible sex
life. When you have sex at all (which is rare), it’s awful, and
has been from the very beginning of the relationship. You thought
it would get better, or you’d stop caring, but — damn. It’s bad.
You’ve been around the block a time or two, and know that this isn’t
the way it’s supposed to be. There’s a lot of love, but no
physical attraction between you. You know it’s only going to get
worse if/when kids enter the picture. Meanwhile, you’re losing
your mind looking at every tight pair of jeans walking down the
street.
What’s to be done? Is it worth breaking up an otherwise stellar
marriage over physical incompatibility? If not, how do you deal
with the next 50 years of frustration? A person can only take so
many cold showers.
Signed,
Never Had Much Fun Flying Solo
Dear Han,
I have to tell you, I just do not understand how a person gets married to someone they don’t enjoy having sex with and never have. I just do not get it. I’m sure you had your reasons; I’m sure the guy is very sweet; still. Don’t get it. “No physical attraction”? And, evidently, none of the communications skills required either to improve the sex or to speak frankly about the fact that, really, you’re friends and shouldn’t be having said sex? To some people, having emotional intimacy extend to the physical just isn’t important, I guess — or getting married itself is more important — but no way could I even keep dating a guy I didn’t like sleeping with.
But: that’s me. I mean, I wouldn’t “break up” a stellar marriage over physical incompatibility because I wouldn’t enter into a marriage with that failure to connect, but my priorities aren’t universal, so, I don’t really know what you want me to tell you. It’s my feeling that that isn’t enough — that you shouldn’t settle, and that you certainly shouldn’t bring a child into the situation if you’re already expressing feelings of restlessness. Kids don’t solve problems like this; they just make it harder to get away from them.
I’m sure your husband’s a great guy, but — he’s not husband material for you, exactly, is he? But he’s already your husband, so you feel like that discussion is over, and it really isn’t. You’re really just very close friends, and that’s super, but you don’t think it’s enough, not really, or you wouldn’t have written. And if you’re such close friends, you should be able to talk about this issue. Start talking.
For a change of pace, a typographic question…
So at work my colleagues and I are creating some training materials to be published online. My boss, who prides herself on being grammatically correct (and usually is), insists that we use two spaces after a period at the end of a sentence. I was taught the same thing in high school, but I think that there is a difference between mono-space typewriter font, where that might be true, and dynamic, self-typesetting computer font. For our online materials I think we should be using one space, no matter what our English teachers said. My question is am I right? Should we be putting two spaces or one after a period at the end of a sentence?
My follow-up is do you have any citations I can point to if it comes to celebrity death match? I’m fairly certain I’m right; double spacing is not done by any of the major online media. I have looked online for a reference, but so far have only found the smoldering remnants of grammar maven flame wars. Somehow I don’t think my boss would find that convincing. Can you spot me some ammo?
Signed,
Why was I cursed to care about this?
Dear Only Our Hairdressers Know For Sure,
Garner doesn’t have a note on end-of-line spacing; the only thing I can find in the Chicago Manual that’s even close is the note in 18.21 as follows: “[A] number of excessively open lines following one another may produce the printing phenomenon called a river — wide white spaces meandering vertically down the page and distracting the eye of the reader. Modern composition methods in general, therefore, aim for close word spacing.” This isn’t directly relevant, as it’s more concerned with justified type, but it’s pretty much the only direct reference I’m finding in my materials.
[Please, no more emails on this. Thanks.]
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships grammar sex the fam workplace
