All the grammar talk in the Vine recently has reminded me of
something that has bugged me for a while. It seems to me that when I
first met the phrase “free rein” way back whenever, it was spelled
that way. I understood/assumed it to come from the idea of giving
the horse you are riding “free rein,” letting it run as it liked,
instead of pulling back on the reins and controlling its movement.

But these days, whenever I see the phrase, it seems almost always to
be spelled “free reign,” as in letting the king do whatever the hell
he wants. I can’t help thinking it’s a mistake created because most
people nowadays are much more familiar with reigns than reins. The
meaning ends up being the same, but it still bugs me. Of course, I
might be entirely wrong.

What’s the good word, o guru?

Cheers,
Reign-Drops Falling On My Head

I got a part-time job at a library recently to pay for
college text books, and plan on working there when
throughout the fall semester. I couldn’t ask for a better
job. I used to dream about being a librarian when I was a
kid and I love being around so many books.

The only problem is that a situation has arisen at work
that has made me very uncomfortable. There’s a security
guard at my place of work — let’s call him “Larry” — who
is well liked among the staff. He’s an older man — a
retired cop, in fact. Whenever he walks into the staff
room, everyone smiles and greets him with, “Hi, Larry.”

A couple weeks ago, he told an anecdote that was far from
amusing. The first words out of his mouth were, “I killed
a cat.” “I killed a cat.” Seriously. Apparently he backed
over his neighbor’s cat and giddily mentioned that he
heard a crunch. I know there are a couple of staff members
around that have and love cats, but they weren’t around.
The ones who were said things like, “You made the world a
better place, Larry.” I wanted to throw everything off my
desk and say he’s no better than that guy they threw in
jail for grilling a cat, and he really isn’t. Laughing at
killing a cat? It might have been unintentional, but
regardless, that’s cruel and heartless and it takes a
monster to find such a situation funny.

I figured I’d wait a few weeks and see if I could forget
about it, but I’ve been having nightmares that one of my
cats jumps the backyard fence and runs out in the street and
Larry runs over one of my little babies.

It’s gotten to the point where I want to call him a
rent-a-cop and tell him what I really think of him, that
he’s a monster and that I hope his neighbor sues him. I
don’t know what to do. Do I approach him and tell him that
I feel really uncomfortable around him and the colleagues
who laughed at that poor cat? Do I go to my boss behind
his back? I really like this job and want to continue
working there, but I don’t know what to do. Help me, Sars.

Mew,
Cat Lady, Defender of Cats Large and Small

I have many problems of my own that need counseling, but this is my sister’s.
I’m worried about her.

“Lily” is a nineteen-year-old sophomore in college. This is her first year
away from home; last year she attended community college down the road.
Before college, Lily had never been alone away from home, and she’s having a
very difficult time. She comes home every weekend and fully cries when she
has to leave on Sunday afternoon. Her college is only three hours away, but
it is a long trip and wouldn’t you think she’d stop being so homesick after
three months away?

Mom thinks she knows why Lily comes home all the time– Lily’s boyfriend
(fiancé?) lives near us. “Robert” is not a cool person. He drives a beer
truck, for crying out loud. (That’s his job, stocking grocery stores with
beer.) He has no college education and basically no hopes for the future.
He’s not really nice to Lily either — makes fun of her and says he’s just
“joking,” but that’s not how relationships work. My parents greatly dislike
him, as do I and my brother. It makes me sick to see them together.

So right now my family is at a very delicate equilibrium. Lily hates
college and feels that my parents are kicking her out of our family by
making her return there every Sunday. My parents are trying to discourage
her from dating (marrying?) Robert, while at the same time not prohibiting
her from seeing him in fears that she will rebel and start living with him
or something out of spite. I feel like telling Lily to get her act
together, suck it up, and enjoy her college years and experience life instead
of marrying an abusive, hopeless scumbag. I think Lily feels like this his
her only option in life — it’s not! My parents have offered to pay for a
trip to Europe for her and she always turns them down.

What should I do? Do you have any advice for me to give her? What should
my parents do? Please help me if you can.

A Concerned Little Sister.

P.S. In the course of my writing this letter, Lily has announced that Robert has
given her a ring. After her crying, and my mom’s pleading that she
experience life before marrying, Lily has locked herself in her room.
Honestly, she cries every time an adult conversation arises.

I’m a 31-year-old stepmom-to-be (see, it’s already complicated!). He’s 43. His 19-year-old daughter (let’s call her Klepto) is living with us until she finishes her associate’s degree at the community college and goes away to the state college next year. I care about her tremendously, and we have a good relationship (except for this thing I’m writing to you about). It’s been almost five years since her parents’ divorce, and I think she has processed it rather well. She and I have talked a lot about it and the relationship between me and her father. I have also talked to her older brother, who she confides in. Basically, there’s not any angst or jealousy there that she’s willing to talk about. Her older brother is a model son, and always has been. Dad’s an extremely good shit, too.

Some more history: her mother is about a one on Kohlberg’s Level of Moral Development, and I am not being Pissy Step-Mom-To-Be about it, either. The kids have acknowleged her as selfish, self-indulgent, dishonest, deceitful, and manipulative. Klepto does not exhibit these features in any known-to-me aspect of her life, except…well, read on.

Now, the problem: Klepto borrows my things. Wait — no — she takes them without asking and does not return them. She has more clothes in her room than I have ever had in my life. Before I go on, let me say she is your average 19-year-old, clothes-wise; I’m just not a clothes-horse. But the clothes I have are very nice, and I take pride in them. I looked long and hard for things I like, that fit…and that’s no small task.

Anyway, she takes them without asking, wears, loses, damages them, et cetera. Most of the time, when asked, she denies having said item. Sometimes I realize what’s missing, and sometimes I get them back. We’ve been through this more than half a dozen times. I am to the point of taking daily inventory of my work and casual wardrobe in an effort to monitor the situation and start recovery efforts before it’s too late. Recently, her father found my all-time favorite sweater, grease-and-something-red-stained, wet, and get this — FROZEN — in the trunk of her car. I got that sweater in Switzerland, and liked it particularly because it’s unique. It had sentimental value, too. Needless to say, the stains did not come out, even after I ruined it with bleach.

Yesterday, I “rescued” a cashmere sweater I had just bought to wear to my new (professional-work-clothes-required) job before it was gone forever. This summer, it was the $400 sunglasses.

I’ve just reached my wit’s end. The bottom half of the only suit I own right now (and the nicest suit I’ve ever owned, or will ever own) has been missing for six months. After asking her if she had it, and she swore up and down that she didn’t, I assumed it must’ve been misplaced during a recent move and bought a replacement. Not as nice, but oh well. I needed one badly for work. I just found that skirt — hairy, dusty, and filthy — on the floor of her closet. It doesn’t even match the jacket anymore. I think it’s been MACHINE-WASHED. Not to sound like a snot, but a french wool-gabardine suit…AGH!!! No amount of TLC is going to save it.

Both her father and I have, on the occasions that we are even aware my things are missing, either asked her nicely about them, confronted her, or just taken them back. We have said, “Unless you can ask, take care of the clothing you borrow, and then return it, don’t do it.” We have tried “don’t do it, period.” He just told her that if she continues to do this, she will have to live elsewhere. We have tried everything else we can think of. Limiting her car privileges doesn’t work. Neither does grounding her. Interventions, of sorts? Therapist? Been there. We have discussed the possibility that she’s acting out because I’m the stepmom, but really don’t think that’s it. I’m beginning to think it’s because she’s selfish and has no respect for other people’s belongings, and at nineteen, nothing we can do as “parents” can fix it.

Short of kicking her out (which we are about to do), do you have any ideas? I’m so pissed I’m beginning to get these ideas of public humiliation, revenge in kind, or writing her mother a thank-you note for fucking her daughter up.

Stepmom Without A Skirt, Sort Of

She has been to two of our family occasions, one after
the separation. I specifically asked him not to hit
on her at this time, as he had made some joke about
her being single and me slipping him her number. Cut to two weeks later, and he wants me to talk to my
boyfriend about how he would feel if the two of them
were to date. Because he thinks that I’m the only one
that would have a problem with it (because my problems
means no problems in his world). I didn’t really take it well, and told him I would
speak to him some other time (I was at a friend’s
house — he had left somewhat urgent sounding messages,
so I called him back as soon as I got them, thinking
somebody had died).

I do eventually have to call him back, but I don’t
know what to say. My feeling is that if they dated,
the situation would be awkward BEYOND awkward — me and
his father, BF and his father AND my father, me and
BF’s family, me and BF’s siblings, et cetera. You know, I
just don’t think BF’s dad would be thrilled. And
would be wanting to think and/or say terrible things
about my father.

And what if this goes badly, between either them or BF
and I? I care for my father and BF’s mother very
much, and I don’t want to see them hurt. We would
then have to continue seeing each other at family
occasions — hate it or no. She’s just getting out of
a long marriage — I get the impression she doesn’t
even want to date right now.

And what if he asks and she says no? That in and of
itself could be hideously uncomfortable.

My BF has said it would make him uncomfortable if I
was uneasy with the situation. I haven’t said
anything to his mom yet, and I don’t relish the idea
of mentioning that yeah, I slipped my dad your digits.
(ICK. ICK.)

So please, any advice would be appreciated.

(Have I mentioned that my dad also dated the mother of
my former best friend — who
became “former” when she started dating my little
brother? So I’m thinking that’s where my trepidation
comes from.)

Thank you,
Hoping For A Frequent-Buyer Discount At Therapy

P.S. My dad isn’t a dog; I think he’s just lonely.
But I don’t think that my BF’s mother should be
considered part of the dating pool.

P.P.S. I want him to be happy, and I hope I don’t come
off like a spoiled brat.