The Vine: May 19, 2010
Dear Sars,
It looks like I am going to be driving a moving van across the country this summer…with my cat. I have a vague recollection that you’ve done this before, maybe when you drove to Canada in the fall of 2001. Do you have any advice on how to do this without dying? Should I let her roam about the cabin, or confine her to her carrying case all day? Install a litterbox somewhere in the car (how??)? Are there motels that let you take cats in with you? Help!
Thank you,
B
Dear B,
I did drive both cats to Toronto. Any long car trip with an animal or animals boils down to the same things: keeping them safe; keeping them calm; not spending a fortune on same if you can avoid it. A lot of how you decide to undertake it depends on your cat’s individual behavior.
My vet gave me a mild sedative for my cats. It lasted about eight hours, and helped ensure that there wouldn’t be an escape attempt at the border. It also allowed me to let them out of their carriers, which made them happier, but they didn’t really roam — they skulked around a bit, looked out the window a couple of times, and then curled up in the footwells of the back seat and passed out for six hours. If your cat is good in the car, and if you have a traveling companion who can help you wrangle her at rest stops, maybe you want to skip the downers — but if your cat hates the car, or has never traveled in one for any real length of time, it may make her and you less anxious to numb her out for the trip.
I had a litterbox set up in the trunk (my car at that time allowed me to fold down the back seat for through access to the trunk). A nervous poo in the confines of a Honda two-door is not the most fun you’ve ever had in your life, but if you’ll have an entire van, you’ll have room for a small box set-up, and presumably more breezes.
Take some time before you leave to plan out your trip, and make reservations at hotels that accept pets. Figure out how long you’ll drive each day, then look for pet-friendly accommodations within your stop radius. They do exist. You can also smuggle the cat into your room after check-in; it’s marginally easier to hide a feline than a dog, as long as she doesn’t express her displeasure by peeing on a bedspread.
But again, it really depends on your cat’s personality and experience with traveling. With those things in mind, give your vet a call and ask his advice.
Hi Sars,
I have two kind-of-related questions that I would love your help with. The first involves my stepmom.
My parents divorced when I was nine and my dad remarried (we’ll call her S) when I was 13 (ten years ago). S brought two kids — a daughter who was six at the time and a son who was three (I also have a younger brother).
I had no objections to the marriage at the time — they’d been dating for a while, she seemed nice, etc. And for the most part it did turn out okay. My dad definitely seems happy, and there wasn’t too much open drama in the house.
But S and I never really clicked. We’ve never been a very demonstrative family, so when I’m presented with a stressful situation my first response is to withdraw. S saw this as a rejection, which I feel led her to categorize me as a Difficult Teenager, regardless of all evidence to the contrary (I mean, I wasn’t perfect, but I had good grades, a good attitude toward chores, a job…). I feel like this perception of me colored all of our interactions — if I didn’t call, it was because I was blowing them off, and not because maybe sometimes I’m a bit of a flake. My dad seemed to assume that she knew what she was talking about and mostly followed her lead.
Compounding this issue is the fact that S is extremely passive-aggressive. When you do something she doesn’t like, she’ll never say so in the moment — she’ll just wait and hope you come to your senses until she just can’t stand it anymore and then she’ll condescend to let you know what you’re doing wrong.
The situation changed when I went to college, but only in that I was a thousand miles away so we didn’t have to see her much. She would still periodically call me to lecture me about something I was doing wrong — most often interceding on my dad’s behalf because I had apparently hurt his feelings somehow, usually by not calling enough (I never heard this from my dad, only from her). She (and, apparently, he) is the kind of person who keeps score with things like that — if you don’t call her often enough, rather than just picking up the phone and calling you and trying to establish a pattern of communicating regularly, she just decides that you must not like her and are therefore a bad person (I’m serious about her not calling me — if she ever called or e-mailed me just to chat, I don’t remember. My dad’s a little better, but still the main responsibility of keeping in touch would fall on me).
For a long time, I really did believe that my deteriorating relationship with my dad was my fault, and I was really stressed about how to fix it, especially given that I never found out he/they were mad until long after the fact when I couldn’t do anything about it. Finally, though, I realized that while I was not perfect and I certainly could have called more and made more of an effort to connect, the main issue with our relationship was her refusal to understand that just because she and I have very different personalities doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me.
I had pretty much come to terms with that, but when I went home to visit about two months ago, everything kind of blew up. Once again, S waited until the last possible minute (the end of an hour-long car ride that was the last time I would see her or my dad on that trip) to lecture me about everything that I had done wrong during the trip. I didn’t respond much then, because verbal confrontation is REALLY not my thing, but after I thought about it a bit I sent her a really angry e-mail addressing what she’d brought up and telling her not to act that way toward me anymore. It was by far the angriest thing I’ve ever said or written to anyone, although to some people it would probably still seem pretty mild.
In her reply, she refused to engage with any of my arguments, told her no one can make us feel how we feel, that I should get therapy (which I am, which is why I was able to write the e-mail in the first place), and that she was “sorry for [her] part in any miscommunication between us.” After a few more e-mails and a completely unsatisfactory phone call during which she called me self-centered and essentially said she’s going to continue keeping score on phone calls and such, I’ve come to the conclusion that for her, it will always be my fault when something is wrong with our relationship.
So my question is, how do I deal with her? I’d be totally fine never speaking to her again, but she’s married to my dad and I still mostly like him. I don’t want things to be awkward all the time, I don’t want her to poison him against me, and I really don’t want him to feel like he has to choose. On the other hand, I’m pretty sure if he did have to choose, he’d choose her, so I’m not sure I’m all that worried about his feelings.
I’m going to visit for my brother’s high school graduation in about six weeks, and I won’t be staying with them (I’ll be staying with my mom, who has been totally awesome about all this. Hi Mom!), but I’ll still have to see them a lot, and I’ll eventually have to decide if I ever want to stay with them again. I feel like it would be pretty easy to just ignore all this and pretend it never happened, but I’m still pretty angry and I don’t want to be the person who gives up on getting what they need in order to keep the peace. So what would be your advice going forward?
The second question is much shorter. Basically, my stepsister and I are completely different people — different tastes, different personalities, different hobbies. We also didn’t spend much time together — what with overlapping schedules and me going to college, I think we lived in the same house at the same time for maybe a little more than a year in the whole ten years since our parents got married. I’ve never consciously been cruel to her, but I wasn’t very friendly (…at all). I just kind of assumed that she didn’t care what I thought of her, which in retrospect is obviously stupid, but…too late now.
So apparently I make her really anxious. On the one hand, I can’t be completely responsible for her feelings; on the other hand, sixteen is a tough age and I don’t want to make it worse. And frankly, I do feel pretty terrible. If I gave her even a fraction of the stress her mom gave me…that would just really suck. I wrote her a friendly-ish apology after my most recent trip when this was all brought to my attention, but never got a response. I meant it sincerely, but I’m not great at this stuff and I’m worried that it may have come off flippant.
Should I write her a longer and more detailed apology, or would that just be self-serving at this point? I do, of course, plan to try to change my behavior — I don’t think we’ll ever be bestest friends, but I could certainly be friendlier than I have been.
Aren’t life coaches supposed to be good at this kind of thing?
Dear Life,
Your stepmother sounds like she’s stuck back on the relationship you two had ten years ago: still taking adolescent behavior personally that isn’t personal; still lecturing you about your behavior. Parents and stepparents have trouble seeing us as adults sometimes, which is annoying, but you can’t do much about it besides refusing to engage it if it’s not relevant — remember, you play your part here by reacting. A simple “I’m sorry I upset you” is all you can really offer S, and it’s all you should attempt, because you can’t change her. You can only change your own behavior.
You can’t change your father’s behavior, either, and the only sense of him I get at all from your letter is that he’s content to let S speak for him. Not all dads do that, but many many dads do just kind of let the wife take the lead on emotional issues and intra-family angsting, especially with their daughters — perhaps because they feel uncomfortable talking about said issues, who knows, and again, it’s not every dad. All we can assume here is that he doesn’t have a problem with S haranguing you about your relationship with him, and your response to that is something like, “I’m sorry to hear that; Dad hasn’t mentioned that to me himself, though, and I know you’re trying to help, but I’d rather talk to him about this directly if it’s an issue for him.”
Just try to keep it calm and polite; like I said, you can’t change their behavior, only your own. Be as conscientious as you can about keeping in touch, without keeping score yourself, and if S still feels the need to catalog your shortcomings, listen, give her the super-unsatisfying “I’m sorry you feel that way” non-apology (heh), and let it go. I understand that this breed of handling conflict is maddening, but as you say, your father has made choices in his life, and if you want a relationship with him, electing not to get pissed off every time S is a pill is the price of that.
Your stepsister presents a different challenge, and I think your best bet is to make an effort to reach out when you’re around, without pushing the issue. Let her adjust or withdraw as she sees fit, keeping in mind that she still lives there and can’t really come and go like you can. She’s also only 16 still, and will have a lot going on in her mental life that has nothing to do with you. You apologized; she may feel some pressure to respond in just the right way, or she may feel paralyzed with anxiety, or some combination, but the ball is in her court, so leave it there. Either she’ll get there or she won’t, but she may have to get farther out of childhood before she can get right with things that happened during it.
I know it’s hard to leave things alone, let things calm down, accept that you can’t get a resolution Right Now (or sometimes At All), but it’s how things go sometimes. Work on it in therapy; that will help.
Okay, this has been bugging me for a while. Why are some items of clothing singular (a shirt) while others are plural (a pair of pants)? All the tops I can think of are singular (except maybe glasses) so considering it’s only bottoms that are pluralized (panties, shorts), I thought maybe it has to do with the fact that two legs go into the item. But we also have two arms and no one ever says they’re wearing a pair of sweaters!
And of course amongst all the tights, boxers, and jeans, there’s that one singular skirt. No matter how many legs go into them, a pair of jeans are still only one item of clothing, so why do we pluralize them?
Meansleeves
Dear Sleeves,
Why, to annoy you, of course.
Heh. I don’t have an answer offhand, but I assume it has to do with the etymologies of the various words — or, really, of “pants,” because I suspect that “shorts” and “tights” derive from “pants” in that shorts are short pants and tights are “tight pants.” Well, not really, but you get the idea. “Panties” and “briefs,” same thing.
Looking at the 10C definition of “pant,” I see that it’s “short for pantaloons,” and the coinage, “usu. used in pl.,” dates from 1840. The entry for “pantaloon,” meanwhile, has this as its first definition: “a character in the commedia dell’arte that is usu. a skinny old dotard who wears spectacles, slippers, and a tight-fitting combination of trousers and stockings.”
That this remains the primary definition struck me as dated, so I went to the 11C; the entries read exactly the same. It seems as though a pantaloon is a person, and I guess that somehow the word evolved through “pantaloon-style breeches” to “pantaloons” and then “pants.”
Readers of Lucky or various catalogs know that the pluralizing of certain “pair” clothing items is moving in the other direction, with the copy referring to “this season’s chic-est pant” or “the Sweetheart Jean.” Garner notes that “[c]lothing retailers lack standardization when referring to trousers,” an “inconsistency [that] has been around for a long time,” adding that both “pant” and “pants” “are actually abbreviations of pantaloons, and have been so used since the late 19th century[.]” Wordnik had little to add on that point (but I did enjoy the Star Wars game).
All of that explains without illuminating; “because it just is” isn’t a satisfying answer, but unless or until a commenter posts a link to a better clarification, it’s all we’ve got.
Tags: Bryan Garner cats grammar sites the fam
Life: I have much sympathy for you. My father’s girlfriend seems to be under the impression that she’s the only person who cares about him and sent me extremely offensive email lecturing me for my behavior as if I have not known him for 28 years and need some sort of intercessor. So I might just be projecting all over your problem.
Affection is not transitive. The fact that your dad loves S doesn’t mean that you have to, especially if she treats you like some kind of threat to her relationship. Maybe you shouldn’t put that kind of pressure on yourself. If you feel like you can, work on your relationship with your Dad one on one for awhile, while of course, being perfectly polite to S at times when you have to come together.
If you feel like your dad wouldn’t choose you, then you’re not losing anything but the illusion of relationship.
We round-trip between Florida and Texas about twice a year and we always have our six (yes, we’re those kind of crazy people) cats with us. It’s about a 19 hour trip total, and though we used to stop halfway, we now drive it straight through.
Our vet gives us what we call “kitty valium”. The dosage he prescribes tends to knock our felines out for about 12 hours of the trip. We’ve found that the beginning is the most crucial period. If they take the meds and sleep for 12 hours, when they wake up they tend to not care too much where they are, as even after the official sleeping period of the drug, they’re still pretty groggy for another few hours. At the end of each drive, usually around hour 17, they wake up fully and we deal with some minor howling and upset until arrival.
Our cats are always in soft-sided carriers on these long trips. This has the advantage of keeping them safer (the carriers are belted in with seatbelts) while they’re loopy and also allowing for easier clean-up of in-transit messes. With a cheap towel stuck in the bottom, if there are any accidents we can usually pull into a rest-stop, reach around the sleeper and pull the towel, which we then ditch in the trash.
Oh, did I mention we do these trips in a Mini?
Does your Dad have a cell phone? That way you could keep in touch with your Dad, without S having to be involved. My Uncle calls my Mom from work so she doesn’t have to deal with the sister-in-law. Shady, but works, and you will know that you have a clean conscience in your communications.
Sars, I’m guessing you have the good fortune not to know anyone with a serious allergy to pet dander, but I am so disappointed that you’d recommend sneaking a cat into a hotel against their policy. There are lots of other options that don’t require such anti-social behaviour. It’s possible that these are more expensive and/or less convenient, but I personally think that anyone who isn’t willing to deal with the disadvantages of owning a pet should consider whether they should in fact own one!
I didn’t see anyone comment on the danger of having a pet on your lap. But just a reminder that having a pet between you and your airbag is bad for both you and your pet.
Re: Traveling cats
I recently made a drive with my cats from Atlanta to Boston, and I kept them both in rigid carriers the entire way. In the unlikely chance there’s an accident, they’re much safer than they would be free-roaming, and cats (depending on personality) often feel more secure in an enclosed space. I also draped towels over the carriers (leaving enough space for air to circulate) to make them feel more secure.
As far as sedation goes, a vet will probably first recommend an antihistamine (either over the counter benadryl or an older prescription one). These had almost no effect on my cats, so the next trail was alprazolam (Xanax), which is more of an antianxiety med than a true sedative. This worked well for one cat, but the other seemed to react to her decreased anxiety level by becoming less inhibited about expressing her disapproval of the situation (ie she yowled for about 12 hours straight). Unless your cat is extremely difficult and upset, I wouldn’t recommend anything stronger, since the experience of feeling “drugged” is itself stressful for an animal that doesn’t understand what being drugged means. The trip itself will be to some degree upsetting to the cats no matter what you do, but as long as you have a destination that can start being a safe home for them as soon as you get there, they will forget the trip trauma soon enough. If you do decide to go the pill route, definitely have a few home trials beforehand to assess the dosage, and have your vet show you proper technique in “pilling” a cat – it’s very easy and quick once you know how to do it, much easier than trying to trick them into eating crushed up bits in food.
“Anti-social behavior”? I’m not recommending that anyone go on a felony spree here. She’s trying to get furry family members across the continent without wanting to kill herself. Is it advisable for her to try to sneak the pets into a hotel room? Not really — but it is in fact an option, and people do in fact do it all the time, especially with dogs.
Re: the cats and Edith’s story (so sorry to hear that, Edith) – this is a very common, tragic story. Please, please, please put your cats in carriers for the trip. Even a minor accident can kill an unrestrained animal.
Word on cats and cardboard. Mine got a leg and half a torso out of a cardboard carrier before we even got down the block on the day I brought her home. Shortly after that, I put her in another cardboard box that was a full cubic YARD in size, to keep the new kitty safe while we moved some stuff. She chewed her way out in minutes flat.
Spring for the hardsided carrier. You won’t regret it! And good luck with the move.
Life: my father’s second wife tried to pull this kind of nonsense, especially with my sister. I second the advice of trying to call your dad directly, or in some other way trying to keep in touch with him without her in the loop. I did my best to make clear to him that her antics and toxic behavior did not change my feelings about him; I was glad of that when they later divorced. My feeling is, I honor and respect the work that went into raising me. However, now that we’re all adults, I hold them to the same standard of behavior that I do anyone else in my life. You don’t get to be an asshole simply because of a family “bond.”
I do wonder about the people who harp on the “you never call me” thing. I … just don’t get it. If you wanted to talk to me, you could … call ME … ? I can see “you never call me BACK” which is indeed frustrating. But of course, even if you called them every week or every other day, it’s really not about the calling or not-calling. It’s about establishing dominance and fealty. The thing that used to drive my stepmother insane was the fact that she couldn’t affect me emotionally. I wasn’t rude … she kept picking at all of us, hoping that we’d somehow be dragged down to her level. But the bemused politeness just drove her over the edge. And not passive-aggressive-style politeness … just “I’m an anthropologist from Mars” removal. Granted, I had a bit easy because she only came in to our lives when I was in my teens and I mercifully never had to live with her. I know it’s not easy to break the hold that you allow people to have over you, especially when they control access to someone else. But when you allow yourself to see their actions as all stemming from a frustrated need to control, it’s easier to allow those actions to whizz by you like arrows that have missed the mark.
On to cats: I am amazed and tickled by all the let’s-drive-the-cats-cross-country stories. I am a cat lover (and past but not current owner.) My partner and I have a Boston Terrier who has been driven hither and yon all over the country on our road trips. I wouldn’t say she *loves* it, but she does decently well. She feels very secure in her carrier, which is always buckled in to the back seat. She’s able to sit up and look out and see the scenery if she wants… I wonder sometimes whether they retain some kind of dog-memory-map of the trip (when you hear about dogs who have been lost on vacation finding their way home.) She has tolerated being photographed with numerous national monuments … we are the sort of nitwits who hold her up to be in the photo along with, say, Mount Rushmore.
As far as pet-friendly hotels: our last 3-week trip was sort of variable in terms of when we left and arrived anywhere, so there were many reservations to be made on the fly. We ended up registering on the site of the corporate chain that encompasses Comfort Inns and all their related chains … they had a great search engine that I could use on the iPhone from the road, which listed the pet policies (it’s true that many chains have policies which differ from location to location.) Some had deposits, some didn’t. I think we managed a pet-friendly non-smoking room in all but one location (my partner can’t handle the smoke residue.) I also used the site reservation number when I could get phone reception but not internet on the phone (this happened on the road in Canada frequently.) The big bonus: frequent-stayer-points! We splurged in Toronto and stayed at the Novotel (not part of the other chain), which was extremely pet-friendly … as in, we could walk her right through the lobby with no problem. I think more chains are realizing the huge market of people who are looking for pet-friendly accommodations. I won’t say I’ve never snuck her into a place (once was forced to in the middle of Indiana where we ended up at a “didn’t I see this in a serial killer movie” motel… for anyone staying there after us, pet hair would be the least of their problems) but would always rather do the right thing.
The suggestion about taking pre-prepared posters with a picture and cell phone number is really inspired. Also, the later suggestion about lining a carrier with cheap towels juuuust in case.
And to Edith: thank you for sharing that story. It’s heartbreaking. I’m glad you survived to tell the story, even if your feline friend did not.
@drsue and @JenV: The oh my god handle = hee! I call it the Jesus strap.
Re: sedatives and travelling with cats, my vet recommended against a sedative (some cats get really nervous when they feel themselves getting woozy, and will scratch you and all your stuff to bits), but she gave us an anti-anxiety pill instead. Seriously. I think it was actually the same compound as Prozac, though obviously a different dosage. My cat, who is one of the anti-sedation brigade and pretty scary anyway, was no trouble at all on the anti-anxiety pill. He wobbled around a bit, got really affectionate, and went to sleep in the footwell. I definitely recommend looking into it, anyway.
I’ve heard it called the oh-shit bar, as well. :)
Life: I have the same situation with my dad and step-monster, though he clearly sides with her on everything. The haranguing got so bad at one point that I said to myself, “I have to remove myself from this situation for a while.” At that point, I swore that I wouldn’t have him at my wedding, and he would never see his grandchildren! Empty threat, as: still a spinster. heh. :) Anyway, the distance (lack of communication, I read once then ignored his berating letters, and eventually they stopped coming) did me a LOT of good, and much later, he approached me for a try at reconciliation. We are trying, and step-monster is co-operating. Manipulating them into a reconciliation wasn’t my goal (of removing myself) but I’m glad that we are trying to reconcile. No advice really, just commiseration.
Travelling with cats: I’ve only traveled with a dog, but re: finding hotels, I’ve had fantastic luck with Best Western. They publish a directory of *all* of their hotels, organized by state, and I keep that in the car with me. In the directory, you can see what amenities are offered (pet-friendly, size of the included breakfast), and you can call ahead to the particular location to check availability, so you can basically plan your stops that way.
Just wanted to add for all pet owners – an idea of what hotels allow pets (or at least how to find them quickly, sites mentioned in other comments above) is good to know in case of an emergency. The hubs has a plan in place in case of [insert disaster here] and if we must flee the area and meet up we have general knowledge of what hotels would work in various areas. Yes, it’s kind of crazy and luckily we don’t live in area that hopefully would ever require an evacuation but you just never know.
B- Chiming in to agree with folks who suggest short test drives first to gauge temperament, and if you’re inclined to medicate, test drive that, too. Some kitties respond in a fashion completely opposite to that intended by a sedative, so try it out at home and see if it actually sedates.
You can also try Rescue Remedy (herbal compound/Google it for info). I’ve travelled from California to Texas with a kitty who laid under my feet the whole way and didn’t potty until we reached the hotel, although there was a litterbox in the car, and with a kitty on 2-3 hour excursions, also free in the car, who settles on the back seat or at my feet and happily avails herself of the litterbox if she needs to.
Cannot stress enough, though, heading into summer — DO NOT leave kitty in the car for any stretch of time. If you stop to eat, look for a place with a patio where kitty in the carrier can sit beside you. Heat is deceiving, especially in a closed/semi-closed car. Always have water handy. If kitty is special needs, make planned stops so she can eat when she needs to – keep her on her schedule.
When you stop at hotels and whatnot, take kitty out of the car first and confine her in the closed bathroom with a litterbox and woobie and then unload the car. Once you’re checked, in don’t leave kitty unattended in a hotel room — even with a DND sign on the door — don’t risk an errant maid/housekeeping person setting her loose.
And, make sure kitty has tags with your cell phone # on her person.
Good luck!
Chiming in with one more tip about traveling with the cat: make sure to put the Do Not Disturb sign on the door at the hotel and leave it there until after you’ve loaded the cat into the car in the morning. Ours escaped into the hallway once when the cleaning crew thought we’d already left and opened the door to our room. We caught him pretty fast, but it could have been a big problem.
And I couldn’t agree more with the other posters who’ve recommended building up to this in stages with shorter drives that do not involve the vet, so she’ll realize that crate + car does not always equal stuff she doesn’t like.
I’ve done cat in uhaul truck from Florida to California. She was a reasonably good little traveler. She had a carrier, which we put behind the driver’s seat, and she mostly hung out in there, even when it was open (most of the time). Occasionally, she would meander out and curl up under the passenger seat. We also had a small litter box we would leave out for her when we got out of the car (she never used it). We stayed at Motel 6 all the way across the country. If you don’t want to do a sedative, use Rescue Remedy. Couple drops down the hatch and works pretty good. Calm with no doping.
Just last month I did California to Texas with dog. We stayed at LA Quinta and Best Western. All La Quinta’s are pet-friendly. Most Best Westerns are but double check. Safe pet travels!
B, I would point out that, against Sars’s advice, if you do choose to smuggle your cat into a non-pet-friendly hotel and they find out? Bam! $200 minimum automatic fee to clean the room. My brother works for a very large chain of hotels and they are trained to be ruthless about this, so be aware that it could happen.