Dear Sars,

I have two older sisters. The middle one is getting married next year, and when the planning started, she immediately asked our oldest sister to be her maid of honor. A slight disappointment to me, but not a huge deal because the two of them are certainly closer to each other than to me in a lot of ways. But Middle Sister said that she and her fiancé would only have one attendant each, and I thought, hey, her wedding, her wallet. I also theorized that since I live across the country from her, whereas Oldest Sister lives in the same city, my being a part of the wedding party might just have been a little problematic.

Then she announced that if her fiancé were to have a second attendant, she would ask her best friend from high school to be a bridesmaid. I raged, I cried, I ranted, but I did it on my own time, because she is my sister, and has a right to have her wedding the way she wants it. I gritted my teeth when she then asked me if I would help her Martha-Stewart-ize the whole shebang, but I agreed. When said former best friend got married last summer and Middle Sister was guest, but not attendant, at the ceremony, the idea of a second bridesmaid got dropped.

Recently, Middle Sister wrote me an email telling me that they have asked one of the fiancé’s best friends to officiate at the ceremony. She explained that his wife is also a good friend of hers and has been of immeasurable help in putting together the wedding plans, as well as coaching her through a very troubled spot in their relationship a couple years ago. Putting those two things together, she said that she felt obligated to ask the wife to be her bridesmaid. I, on the other hand, have been handed the task of a reading at the wedding as well as a part in some kind of “candle-lighting ceremony,” for which I will walk down the aisle lighting people — er, candles to symbolize their love.

I truly feel that, within reason, a bride-to-be deserves minimum flak for how she plans her wedding. I just don’t know what to do. I love my sister very much, and I know she loves me. But I guess I was of the impression that if you have a good relationship with your sisters, they are always first picks as bridal attendants, plus additional important females of your age. This is not a terribly traditional wedding, and it seems that the original plan to have equal number of attendants just doesn’t fly as an excuse. While she said that it was important to her that I be part of the ceremony, hence the candle-lighting thing, it just feels to me like some consolation prize. And I know that roles in a wedding party are not to be treated as a popularity contest, but I was never even considered important enough to stand with her on her wedding day. It hurts, and I don’t know how to handle it.

Grown-up Little Sister

Dear Sis,

Maybe Middle Sister is thinking something along the lines of, “I sort of have to ask these other people first, because if I don’t and they get offended, it might end the relationship, whereas if I don’t ask Little Sister and she gets offended, we’ll still be sisters.”But I don’t know.I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with her; I don’t know whether she really does consider the candle-lighting a big honor, or whether it is in fact a consolation prize.

But the fact that you’ve kept all of the ranting and raging to yourself is telling.I mean, you expect to play a large role in the wedding and for her to include you in the party, but at the same time, you feel like you can’t express your hurt feelings to her at all…it sounds to me like maybe you just don’t know each other all that well, or at least that the two of you can’t speak frankly to each other.But again, I don’t know.My brother and I just do the blunt thing in situations like yours, but maybe it’s different with sisters; I have no idea.

The other issue here is whether you should express those feelings to her — whether it’s appropriate to do it now, or to wait until the dust settles after the wedding and then point out that the candles felt like a sop to you.You could take her aside and tell her that, you know, you don’t want to tell her what to do, but you do feel downgraded and left out, and you just don’t know what role you really play here.

Maybe she’ll tell you that helping her plan and “Martha-Stewart-ize” is much more important to her than standing up at the front with her, because maybe it is — but if you do discuss the issue with her, you might get an answer that’s a lot less flattering.And if that’s why you haven’t brought it up before now — if you pretty much already know the answer, which is that she’s not really close with you and doesn’t want to pretend otherwise — maybe it’s best just to leave it alone.

And honestly, I would leave it anyway.Weddings often have a politicizing effect on every relationship in play at the time, and unfortunately the wedding itself means that it’s the worst time to address those issues.The path of least resentment, I think, is to wait until later and then mention your feelings to her in a non-confrontational way, couching it as “I want us to get closer” or what have you.

TN,

Conversations with people my age seem to be answers to three
questions: who wants to marry a millionaire, what are the Osbornes
doing, and what is going to happen on Spring Break 2004?I need to
know if there are interesting, intelligent, and somewhat sane people in
their twenties.Is it impossible to be a combination of all four?

I ask
because my major depends on it, and I do not have the money to investigate
(until my applications for loans/aid go through) anything further than
a community college in the Midwest.If there is any help/info you
could offer or direct me to, it would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Bored In The Center Of Hell

Dear Bored,

I just don’t have the first damn idea what you’re talking about.Your major?Info?What what?

Yes, there are interesting, intelligent, and somewhat sane people in their twenties.No, it’s not impossible to be a combination of all four.If you haven’t found any yet, you need to keep looking, but it’s not like they have a clubhouse.

Sars (Stellar And Rockin’ Soph),

To butt in or not to butt in? That is my question.

My best friend, “Angie,” was a funny, cool, independent girl until she started dating (and living with) “Josh” almost four years ago. Since then she has sunk into a severe depression and gained about a hundred pounds. Nothing good ever happens to her. She never has anything good to say about anyone or anything. When you ask how she’s doing, she starts in on a litany of her problems. When you offer her advice (“Go to therapy, Angie,” or “I’ll help you find a job, Angie,”) she either disregards it or tells you why she can’t follow said advice. It’s almost as if she WANTS to be depressed. It’s exhausting. Angie doesn’t drive, doesn’t have a job, has no plans to finish school.

But the biggest problem is Angie’s boyfriend. Josh is a bigot who makes racist remarks in public. He deliberately makes fun of people and tries to hurt them. For instance, one of our mutual friends’ father was recently diagnosed with mutiple sclerosis, and when she told us all, Josh did a really horrifyingly unfunny impression of someone shaking and spazzing out. He argues with people constantly. He makes fun of Angie in front of people and draws attention to her weight, but when she tries to diet, he laughs at her.

Most of our mutual friends have stopped hanging out with Angie, and they all agree that it’s because of Josh’s behavior. She never goes anywhere without him. Recently, she asked me why people don’t seem to want to hang out with her anymore. I didn’t want to cross any boundaries that I shouldn’t cross, so I made up a story about every being really busy lately, which she seemed to accept.

Sars, should I tell her why everyone’s avoiding her? I think this guy is truly bad for her, and I miss my sweet, funny, happy friend. Or is this one of those things Angie will have to realize for herself? I know love is blind, but is it totally senseless?

Thanks, O Wise One.

What’s My Place?

Dear Place,

Leave “everyone else” out of it; tell her to talk to them herself if she wants to know why they don’t want to hang out anymore, and stick to what you feel.Her boyfriend is an insensitive dickbat who has had a thoroughly negative effect on her, and you love her and want the best for her, but you’ve pretty much had it, and it’s time for her to hear that so that she has the relevant information.

I wouldn’t count on a cinematic epiphany as a result, by any means; what you can probably count on is defensiveness and weeping, because she does have to realize Josh sucks on her own before she’ll do anything about it.But if she’s told in so many words that Josh is systematically alienating her friends, she has the relevant information.

Again, what she chooses to do with it is up to her, and from what you’ve told me, she’s probably not going to do much of anything, beyond feeling all put-upon about it — but that’s her choice.You can’t force her to get her shit together; what you can do is set some limits with her for yourself, and I think you should.Don’t want to hang out with Josh?Don’t.Don’t want to hear her whine for the fiftieth time about the same problem?End the conversation.Don’t enable her in ways that annoy you and make you uncomfortable anymore.

Sars, O Queen Of Witty Advice —

There’s a guy. There’s always a guy, isn’t there? I’ll bet you’re sick of
boy problems, and you’ve probably heard every one in the book. But this one
has a few unique aspects.

I’m 17. And the guy? 26. No, that’s not the unique part.

First off, let me say that I am not in high school. I’m in the acting thing,
so I’ve tested out and am living on my own in the glorious place called
Hollywood. Insert sarcasm here. So in addition to having always been
incredibly mature for my age, mentally, physically and socially, I’m working
for a living. I’m not in the environment where boys, tests, and football
games are the most important things. I feel like I am much more in the world
of an adult than in the world of a teenager, and am very much on the same
levels as “Starboy.”

Starboy and I met while working a year ago. I felt an instant attraction,
and later I found out that he felt the same way. But he was incredibly
concerned about image (though neither of us is famous enough to warrant too
much tabloid interest), and he was afraid that he’d be taking advantage of
me if something were to happen between us.

Well, something happened between us. It wasn’t initiated on either of our
parts, but shit happens, you know? It wasn’t full-blown sex, but both of us
agreed that it was one of the most intimate experiences of our lives
(although that means more coming from him, me and my two previous
relationships). We talked about it a lot (maybe a little too much), and we
decided to give the relationship a try. We agreed to keep it to ourselves,
and only tell it to the people who were on a need-to-know basis (namely, my
parents). They took it surprisingly well, as they trust my judgment.

The relationship itself is wonderful. Starboy is the most amazing guy I have
ever met, and I can see myself spending forever with him. Too much cheese,
yes? We don’t fight, we have intense chemistry, and the age difference
matters not.

The problem? We don’t go anywhere. We don’t do anything. We sit in his
apartment, eat Chinese, watch hours upon hours of television (not that
that’s a bad thing), and make out. Not a bad thing either. I loved it in the
beginning, because we really got to know each other and found out pretty much
everything about the other. But now? It’s fucking BORING.

I’ve talked to him about it. I wanted to know if he was ashamed of me. He
vehemently denied that, and said he was worried about people judging us and
his image. I tried to gently tell him that he needn’t worry about his image,
because at this point in time he doesn’t really HAVE an image. A few guest
spots on sitcoms and an independent film does not an image make. Starboy,
however, has a deluded view of his career, convinced that it’s only a matter
of months (days, hours, SECONDS) before he hits it big and gets an Oscar
nomination. He thinks that if we go out in public, the paparazzi will flock
to us like flies to honey, and pictures will appear in magazines. Again,
I gently tried to tell him, “Sweetie, that’s not really an issue.” But he
refused to hear me. He doesn’t even have any completed projects, or any
lined up, yet he’s convinced that if we go for sushi a picture of us will
appear in People?

Compound this with the fact that my career is taking off. Maybe not taking
off, but taxiing on the runway at least. I’ve been working pretty steadily
for a few months, and have some impressive auditions lined up (yay me!), and
he’s stuck at his day job from 9 to 5, calling his agent daily and not
getting the auditions he wants. He seems to be getting jealous and bitter
about that fact, and is now extremely obsessive about the actor I’m doing
romantic scenes with at the moment. It’s gotten to the point where he shows
up unannounced on set, and acts as if everyone should be catering to him
because he’s a star (hence Starboy). He even went so far as to pull my
costar aside and tell him that it better stay professional. Argh. I
apologized to my costar and then tried to talk some sense into Starboy,
which caused a huge fight — our first since we began dating.

How can I deal with his ego? And the jealousy? And convince him to take me
somewhere? ANYWHERE? Even if it’s just to the movies?

Not Exactly A Starlet

Dear Not,

You don’t “deal with it.”You dump him.

First of all, if the relationship is so “wonderful,” what’s with the condescending attitude towards his career?I don’t think I understand why it’s so important to you that he take you out in public when you don’t seem to have much respect for him in the first place.

Second of all, let’s do the math here.He doesn’t want to go outside with you on a date because he doesn’t want anyone to see you together + inappropriately expressed jealousy with no foundation = what?Either of those variables on its own is obnoxious; add them together and he’s probably cheating on you.He’s got another girlfriend, she’s “industry,” he’s projecting it onto you…it’s textbook.

Even if he’s not, you don’t need this amount of relationship aggro at your age.It’s put-up-or-shut-up time.Tell him so.If he won’t put up, get rid of him.

Dear Brainy One,

I have a grammar question about the use of the word
“historical” versus the use of the word “historic.”

Recently, Kentucky voters just elected a Republican as
governor.It’s a significant occurrence because Dems
have held the governorship for a while.While
watching the local news with my boyfriend, I began to
yelp when the newscaster with shellacked hair referred
to the event by saying, “It’s an historical moment.”
“It’s ‘HISTORIC,'” I bellowed.Evidently, the next day,
the governor-elect used the phrase “historical moment”
in a speech, again referring to his win.Ack!

Now, the way I understand it, “historical” refers to
something which occurred in or refers to the past,
usually the distant past.(As in the phrase
“historical narrative,” which popped up on a recent episode of Angel.)”Historic”
refers to something which is important enough to be
noted in history books.Or something like that.
Right?

I’m normally an easy-going guy, but this is driving me
slightly batty.Am I out of line, or is my ire
justified?

Thanks,
Grammar Police Deputy Dan

Dear Auxiliary Unit,

According to the 11C, “historical” is a synonym for “historic,” and vice versa.The definitions of “historic” include “famous or important in history,” “having great and lasting importance,” “known or established in the past,” “dating from or preserved from a past time or culture,” and “historical.””Historical,” meanwhile, lists “of, relating to, or having the character of history,” “based on history,” “used in the past and reproduced in historical presentations,” “famous in history,” and “historic.”

Garner distinguishes between the two words thusly:

An event that makes history is historic; momentous happenings or developments are historic … A documented fact, event, or development — perhaps having no great importance — is historical.(337)

I suppose the difference is one of significance, of perspective.A Civil War battle — Gettysburg, say — is historic, while what buttons the Union soldiers wore on their uniforms during that battle is historical.The type of uniform button is a fact known to history, but it doesn’t have the same larger relevance now that the battle does.

So I would say that, yes, your ire is justified — but it’s a frequent error, so you should probably find a constructive outlet for it.

[11/11/03]

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