The Vine: November 16, 2011
This is a question about a friend and money.
A coworker and I developed a friendship that was very work-based. We chatted at work, emailed throughout the day, left for staff meeting early to share a coffee, etc. We did not, however, socialize outside of work. I made overtures about getting together but she never seemed to be interested in escalating the friendship.
In June she went out on maternity leave with the expectation that her husband would find a new job elsewhere and she wouldn’t be back. I made — an truly meant — an offer of any assistance that she might need, knowing that she was likely to be overwhelmed with a new infant, a still job-searching husband, and a large dog. In July she sent me an email asking me a favor. They had their new location (halfway across the country) and were prepping to move. She wanted to know if she parked her car in our work parking lot if I would hold her keys and give them to the car mover in August. I offered to instead let her park the car at my house, mentioning that I felt it would be safer there, less likely to raise the eyebrows of our work security, and said that I would run it down the road every now and then so the battery stayed charged and the brakes didn’t rust. That’s foreshadowing.
She and her husband dropped the car off in mid-July. I drove it once at the end of the month. I got a text from her to arrange pick-up at work the following morning. I went home early that same night to do a cat-vet run. When I finished with the cats I started her car to move it behind my car in preparation for the following morning. One of the rear wheels was frozen. I called my local tow guys who came out, removed the wheel, took off the drum, freed the brake, and put the wheel back on. It cost me $75. The mover called later that night and wanted to pick it up from my house instead of at work the following morning. That was less hassle for me, but kept me up later than I would normally stay up and involved several phone calls and running around in the rain.
Is it appropriate to ask reimbursement for the cost of having the brake freed?
This is how I see it. In the “no” camp we have: I volunteered to take the car when she wanted to leave it at work. That required her to drive about an hour round trip instead of a twenty-minute round trip. I said I would drive it, and only drive it once. In the “yes” camp we have: if the brake froze despite the one drive, it probably (?) would have frozen anyway. I stored her car for free for over a month. I dealt with the mover. Another factor that shouldn’t matter but I have to admit crossed my mind is that $75 is about a third of my total monthly spending money. She made significantly more than I do, so it seems like a proportionately much more significant cost to me than it would be to her.
I would greatly appreciate hearing opinions on this question.
E
Dear E,
Did you not call her when the brake froze and ask her what you should do? When the tow guys quoted you $75, did you not call her at that point? Does she not know, as of this moment, that the brake froze and you had to have it repaired? That’s a safety issue; I’d want to know about that if I were her.
Your approach to the situation and to this woman is…odd. You reached out a number of times to build an outside-of-work friendship; she wasn’t interested. You offered your help during a move, and she availed herself of the offer, but despite 1) doing her a favor and 2) having to cough up $75 for a car that isn’t yours, you’re concerned that she had to drive 40 minutes farther, to pick up the car she left…with you? And then there’s this score-keeping with how you had to stay up later…? I mean, some people are quite sensitive about their sleep patterns, but…we’re not two-year-olds here.
I mean, I’m in the “yes” camp, but I mention the other things because I find it striking that this is even a question — or that this is still a question. If Mr. S leaves me in charge of his car for a long weekend and I notice it has a flat, I love the guy, but my first call is not to AAA. My first call is to him to ask how much he’s willing to spend, or should I just wait for him to get back, or what. Yeah, that’s a sibling, but that’s kind of my point: your relationship with this favor is puzzling to me. You’re not really friends, and she’s moving away. Why would you put yourself out to the tune of a third of your disposable income?
You should have called her on the spot and put the repair costs on her card, but you didn’t, so now it’s time for the “oh hey, just checking in, hope you’re getting settled — and also, I hope the frozen brake I should have mentioned weeks ago hasn’t caused any further problems. And about that, since I had the tow guy out on my dime…could you? Because the economy sucks” email.
Or the “oopsie, silly me, I forgot to send you this bill for the thing I had repaired on your car” email, or whatever, but a favor doesn’t imply assuming all associated costs. If what you want is the money back, you’ll have to ask for it. If what you actually wanted out of this is something else, something emotional you needed to prove about being a good friend to someone who didn’t appreciate that, well, now you know that that costs $75. Maybe I’m reading too much into it. Something to think about, anyway.
Tags: etiquette friendships
I agree with Sars — you certainly can ask for the money back, and if I were her I would give it with a smile (or at least not a grimace), but you should have asked her what she wanted done. Could the car have been moved with the frozen brake, and you could have let her deal with it? If so, that was the solution.
If $75 was a lot of money to you, you should have looked for another solution before spending it. If you don’t get your money back, just know that is the price of questionable decisionmaking in situations with people who aren’t close friends.
(… also agreeing that something’s off here WRT the scorekeeping and the details and the drama and the comparing salaries and the trying suspiciously hard to be friends and the overthinking the whole shebang. I mean, the vet in the what now? (… and not to judge at all, because we’ve all overthought something here and there or counted one bean too many, but consider that this may explain why she wasn’t overly eager to be BFF.) )
I agree that it’s weird you didn’t call her already.
Ask her nicely to reimburse you. I don’t actually think politeness is required – it’s her car, etc, etc, but since you did this on your own and without talking to her, she’s not legally obligated to reimburse you.
Don’t debate over it anymore; immediately proceed with the oopsie plan outlined by Sars.
I’d forget reimbursement, to be honest. Tell her what happened for honesty’s sake, and if she offers to pay, accept gratefully, but asking? No:
1) If someone took it upon themselves to do something to my vehicle *without my permission* I’d be pissed, not grateful. How do you know she didn’t have a roadside plan that could have handled it for free, or a brother that fixes brakes for a living? If you didn’t get the OK up front, she’s got no obligation to reimburse you.
2) The read I get is that you’re more interested in collecting the *attention* due you for the kindness and good deeds. It’s hard, and I say it only from having been in that place too many times, but the bottom line is that most good deeds go unnoticed. She took advantage of your kind offer because it served her needs! You aren’t owed a medal because something was offered and she took it. Only you know where you’re really at, but if reimbursement is really about commanding her appreciation for how *very* much you did for her, I fear you’re not going to get what you want.
I think Cyntada’s got it right. If you arranged to fix the car without her knowledge or input, that’s on you. Mention it, and if she volunteers to pay, great, but she is not obligated, legally or morally.
I agree with Cyntada too. I would be annoyed if someone took it upon themselves to pay for something that wasn’t a life-threatening emergency without calling me and asking what I wanted to do first, and then expected me to reimburse them for it. Mentioning it in the HOPES that she will pay you back is fine, but I definitely would not think she’s obligated.
Yeah, I’m with the others that you should mention that you had the brakes unfrozen, as that’s a safety thing and you also don’t know whether she’s had a problem with the brakes before. I’d want to know that if I were her.
But, I wouldn’t be happy with anyone who had my car repaired without telling me. Here’s an example: I just bought new tires, and got one of these “lifetime rotation” service deals with them. The warranty on my tires depends on my getting them rotated at the tire place. If you went ahead and had something done anyway it would A) waste your money and B) void my tire warranty. I think some places offer lifetime brake warranties too — how do you know she didn’t have that and you just messed it up?
Look, I’m sure you meant well, and it’s not a total catastrophe, but this may just be one you need to chalk up. Let her know about the brakes, and if she offers to pay, count yourself lucky. If not, it’s the price of an education.
Not that it matters much, but I think I’m missing something here. “The mover called later that night and wanted to pick it up from my house instead of at work the following morning. That was less hassle for me, but kept me up later than I would normally stay up and involved several phone calls and running around in the rain.” Why did the mover’s request to pick up the car at your house require several phone calls and running around in the rain? And why does “I dealt with the mover” make it onto the list of reasons in favor of asking for reimbursement? This seems like part of the favor you agreed to do for her, so how is that additional inconvenience that needs to be included in the accounting of this thing?
I agree with Cyntada. You offered (and truly meant it!) any assistance she might need and…she took you up on it for one thing that didn’t take much effort on your part. If I’m reading it correctly, the initial ask was “please hold on to my car keys?”, and you super-sized it to include parking the car at your house and regular engine-starting. To the extent any of that was a hassle for you, it’s on you.
Also, I’m hoping this letter has been in the Vine email queue for a bit. If this is still an open issue – if you haven’t mentioned it to her as of mid-November 2011, pushing 4 months later – I’d say cover the safety issue by sending the oopsie email Sars suggests, but don’t mention the cost.
As Sars indicates in the last line, I’m hearing the letter as this:
“Because I’d extended an offer of friendship, I felt I had to say yes to a favor to prove I wasn’t mad that it was rejected. It got more complicated than I’d expected, I regret having done it, and I’m resentful.”
If so, I feel that–I could totally see being right there with the OP–but then I think that’s the issue to walk yourself through rather than yes/no on a $75 bill that it may not have been necessary to incur. And maybe develop a practice of saying “Let me check my schedule and get back to you” for longer-term favors, to make sure that you don’t agree out of momentary good fellowship.
Bria, I also was confused about how having the car picked up at E’s house resulted in staying up late, phone calls, and running around in the rain. Sounded like all she had to do was move the car, which was what she was already doing when she discovered the frozen brake.
I agree with Cyntada.
I also feel like I would have to have close relationship with somebody to take any kind of responsibility for their vehicle after they left the state. I wouldn’t want to make the car be my problem, whether for condition or vandalism or anything else.
Personally I thought that offering to start the vehicle periodically was a way of trying to deepen the relationship…which is curious since what little there was of a relationship was ending. The scorekeeping says to me that the writer doesn’t feel entitled to reimbursement and is making a case both for the money and for and expected refusal…and that maybe there is a little bit of envy that the former coworker both made more money and now doesn’t have to return to work. In the offer to take over this problem, I smelled a willing victim.
The only thing I really could get behind was that maybe it wasn’t a great idea to store the car in the work parking lot without first asking permission of the employer, in order to avoid having it towed. Again, this was the owner’s problem all along.
My overall feeling is that you can be a friend to somebody without making their problems into your problems.
I’m coming to this late; I have to agree with other posters when they say that it would have been best to ask the woman first re: clearing the charge. In this situation I’d probably just pay it.
You went above and beyond to help someone out – someone who, as you said, didn’t seem particularly interested in being anything other than a polite co-worker. You sound like a really nice person who wants to help others. I learned the hard way: don’t spend too much time offering assistance to people who don’t seem very interested in you as a person. You’ll always get taken advantage of.
Still, you put something good out in the world, and that’s a good thing! :)
I would be embarrassed to ask for reimbursement because you volunteered to take the car and also the fixing without permission. You asked if you could do her a favor…and you did.