Hi Sars,

My car is in Delaware and I’m moving to
Alaska — I have thousands of miles to cover, and I’m giving myself
about a month to make the trip. No hurry. I know you drove US 1, so
I’m hoping you might have advice to share with me. What makes a road
trip more than traveling from point A to B? How do I counter the
inevitable boredom? Aside from safety items, what are the essential
road trip accessories?

Thanks!

My Kingdom for a Camper Van

Dear Kingdom,

Well, it helps to bring someone with you, which I did not do on my US 1 trip and which I wish I had, looking back at it.Parts of it, it’s better to be on your own; you decide when to go and when to stop, you can just get lost in thought and listen to music, and so on.But that can also get old when you’ve been on the road for days on end.

If you’re definitely going on your own, bring lots of music, download comedy routines from iTunes, borrow any audiobooks you can, and use the super-flat, super-dull parts of the country to put on your cell phone’s headset and talk to friends.I would not have gotten out of Ohio without dying of driving-induced boredom if I hadn’t been chatting on the phone for most of the state.

Other than that, I don’t really have any advice except to go where the day takes you.If the weather gets bad or you feel sleepy, take the hint, get off the road, and read a book, or go to a local diner and be around people.If you’re not feeling it, take a day off; if it’s “time to stop” but you’re still wanting to drive, keep going.A road trip that long is its own thing; try to go with it as much as you can.

Hello, Queen Sars,

I’m rather timid about writing to other people about stuff like this, but…I need some affirmation, here.I’ve got these questions that have been bugging me, and I feel that you’ve got a knack for advice, so…here goes.

You see, two years ago I had a fling with a woman who I met at work.She and I would talk about various things, and she was open with me about almost everything; too open, now that I look back on it.For one thing, she claimed that a week or so into training, someone had sexually harassed her; a fact that I never gave much credence, but told her if such was the case, to talk to the proper authorities in the office about.Basically, the story is this: I became smitten with her, but she was smitten with someone else.Then, after she couldn’t get her way with him, she settled for the affection that I was trying to give to her.It should have been a red flag.But being young(er) and smitten, red flags and warning signs don’t register over harps and violins.

Now I say settled, because I never got the sense that the affection and respect I gave to her was ever reciprocated.First, she made me spend over $400 of my own money to buy clothes (including some shirt that I never would have chosen in my life).I had a fit, because I had bills and rent to pay (I live at home, so I pay part of the rent; that’s the deal), and I felt that she just…ran me the hell over.

Then there was the issue of my family, who she never seemed to respect.Now, I’ve heard her ramble on about her family, and how she hated them, but never said one word in disrespect; I don’t know her family, nor the circumstances that were involved, and it wasn’t for me to judge ’cause I didn’t have that much evidence to rule from the bench, so to speak.Whenever I told her I had family obligations, she got this false impression that my mom was controlling me, which was never the case.And I had to constantly make the point to her that my mom does not make decisions for me; that she gives me latitude as an adult to make decisions.Sure, I go to her for counsel, or she’ll offer advice, but she basically leaves me alone to make my own choices.

Despite all that, I always tried to make time for her.I eventually forgave her for the shopping bit, and we literally kissed and made up.She even invited me to her church and stuff; a religion that she had been in and out of, and I had gotten into for a while, but drew away from after a while because I didn’t feel comfortable in it.

Then, she got fired for going off the deep end at work, yelling at the supervisor and stuff.I continued seeing her after she was canned, and we eventually had sex.But soon after that, the whole dynamic changed.She went to visit family out of state, and met some guy in a Wal-Mart; I was dumped with my eyes closed (meaning I didn’t even know it was over…until it was).At the same time, I managed to buy a car, and she had asked me to drive down to where she was, pick her up, drive her back to the city for some medical appointments, and then drive her back down after that.In all, 34 hours over a span of three days were spent driving down, driving back up, sleeping at home, driving back down, sleeping over, and driving home again.All because I loved her, and I presumed, falsely, that she had the same affection for me.

In our last week or so together, she told me that she had a certain preference for certain type of guys (understand, I’m African-American; she was white, but had a preference for black-African men) because of some guy she met a few years back that she became so smitten with, but he married someone else.Since that time, she dated other men, trying to get a semblance of what that man had, and could never find.So I told her that I understood.But thinking back, I don’t truly understand; why would you hop from man to man because of one person?If we guys did that, we’re playing around, and we’re dogs.

Well, not long after that, she moved away with this guy she met; three months later, they were married.Needless to say, I was crushed when she left.I spoke to her one last time in March of last year.I have not seen or spoken to her since.I deleted her phone number off my phone two months after our last chat.Even though she said that I could call her and visit her anytime, I don’t really intend to take her up on the offer.In short, I feel burned by the experience (even though I wouldn’t change a thing if given the choice to correct it), and it’s kind of soured me on getting into another relationship.In fact, I’m resigned to being single until I’m 30.Which…isn’t necessarily a horrible thing, but…still.I’d rather not be by myself, but despite my desperation to be with someone, I’m not about to do what my ex did.I’ve seen that movie too many times in my life, and I made a commitment long ago that I wasn’t going to be that same way; like a vagabond, going from one girl to the next, having babies and rolling out the door.

Basically, what I’m trying to get at is this: I think she made an impulsive decision based out of desperation, not out of love.That’s not to say I would have married her, because…no, I wouldn’t.Yet I recall her last conversation with her, and she was complaining that her husband and her were getting into verbal spats.The diplomat in me prevented me from just cattily responding, “Well, see…that’s what happens when you commit to marry a guy you don’t even know.” That whole situation just disappointed me, because I felt that she was settling for less out of convenience.

So, having said that, my questions are these:

1). Did I make a mistake in ever getting involved with this person, and did I do too much for her when my efforts were barely reciprocated?
2). Am I being too stubborn when it comes to standing up for the things I believe in, and the people in my family?
3). Should I be more angry about what happened here, or am I handling this the right way?Because I feel like I should be angry and indignant a touch more than I am about this, but I can’t conjure it up, and I don’t know why that is.And finally,
4). Am I being too pessimistic when it comes to my chances at love in the future?

All these things are what I wonder about sometimes when I think back on it, and I need a different perspective on it from an independent source, one who isn’t in my or my family’s circle of friends.I’d appreciate whatever advice or comment you have.Thanks.

Sincerely,
Standing in the Shadows of Love

Dear Stand,

1) Yes.2) No.3) Yes, but…yes.4) Yes.

This woman used you, flagrantly; you permitted it.Then she dumped you and married some other guy.She’s…a dickhead, basically, and it’s appropriate to be pissed at her and annoyed at yourself for putting up with her shit.

But these things are pretty easy to see in retrospect; yeah, in my opinion this would have been just as easy to spot at the time, because she really doesn’t sound subtle to me, but what’s done is done.You cared for her and you did what you thought you had to and there’s not much point in beating yourself up about it now.

Nor is there any point in making a big old federal monastic case about how you’re going to quarantine yourself from love until such-and-such a time, because love isn’t the issue here.The issue is that you don’t have the greatest boundaries when it comes to other people, and relationships in and of themselves aren’t what you should avoid; it’s people like her, and your willingness to let her turn you inside out and get nothing in return.

Her failure to value you properly doesn’t mean you have no value.Your chances at love are just as good as they ever were — but you could probably improve them by valuing yourself a little more, and by not letting someone with no interest in you, except as a fucked-up placeholder of some kind, run over you that way.You can love someone, and give to them of yourself, without it turning into a thankless exercise, and you should look forward to doing that with a woman who, you know, isn’t an asshole.

Hey Sarah,

So, I’m trying to write a column here today, and I’m
trying to say “skooch on over” but I have no idea if
that’s how you spell the word “skooch.”Considering
it’s, you know, not a word.At least not according to
the dictionaries I’ve checked.Do you have any
experience in what is the accepted spelling of this
not-real-yet-handy word?I figured you may have come
across it once or twice (tried searching TN to no
avail).

Thanks!

No, I Don’t Mean “Scotch,” But I’ll Have
Some Anyway

Dear Me Too,

I would go with “scootch.”A quick and unscientifically conducted Google indicates that it’s marginally more popular than “skooch.”

I have no real reason for my choice, but since it’s kind of a variant of “scoot,” and my version has the word “scoot” in it, you could go with that rationale if you were so inclined.

The dictionary doesn’t have any of them listed, so you’re at your leisure.

Sars,

My boss is a nutjob, a classic control freak. Every
book and article I’ve read on the subject describes
her behavior perfectly — pushy, obnoxious, paranoid,
manipulative, delusional, et cetera. She’s obliterated my
confidence and ability for independent thought. During
my tenure here, I’ve been to HR more times than I can
count, but my boss evidently has powerful allies, so
nothing comes from my complaints — official or
unofficial.

Because I’m a classic doormat, needed this
job badly and was able to take off six months when I
had my son, I’ve been able to survive for more than
three years. (Now that I’ve had the baby, moved and
finished up my degree, I am actively looking for other
opportunities, as well as investigating opening my own
consulting firm.) However, she has driven two people
in our department to mental health facilities and
fired another two because they didn’t do things her
way. So, now we have a bunch of open positions and are
looking to fill them. And, ss the senior person on the
staff, I get to conduct some of the interviews. This
is where my dilemma begins.

How do I interview people, knowing what she is like? I
try the old “How do you deal with difficult people?”
or “What management style do you prefer —
micromanagement?” questions, but I feel guilty for not
providing full disclosure. Of course, I still need
the job, so I can’t give full disclosure, as my boss
interviews them after me and questions them about what
I said about her (she has come back to me for
explanations of my questions a few times). When
candidates ask me if I like my job, I honestly answer
that I love my work, leaving out that I hate my boss.
A few people have seen through her and have asked to
be removed from consideration, but the majority don’t
— when she needs to be, she can be quite personable.

Do I have an obligation to these interviewees to be
more honest, at the peril of my own job? If not, is
there anything else I can do to clue in the person?
Or, should I just not worry about them, as they are
adults and have to make their own decisions? I just
hate the thought of becoming colleagues and then
facing them after she goes on one of her attacks.

Any advice?

Thanks,
“You’re right. I understand. I’ll do it that way.
You’re right. I understand. I’ll do it that way.”

Dear That Way,

I’ve had a couple of nuthole bosses; nobody warned me about them, and I can’t say it ever crossed my mind that they should have.I don’t think you have any obligation to warn people, no.If anything, you risk coming off as the nuthole in the situation, like, why does she still work here if it’s so bad that she’s warning prospective employees?

Conduct a standard interview; you have to protect yourself, and you have to let the interviewees catch a scent of crazy in the wind — or not.They’re adults.And by that same token, if they take the jobs, they’ll presumably understand that you had your reasons for not blowing the whistle.

Dear Sars,

I am a self-proclaimed fiction junkie, but lately, I’ve been interested in
delving into the world of non-fiction. You know, broaden my horizons and all
that stuff.

The trouble is, I don’t have the faintest idea on where to
start. The only non-fic books that I have ever read are textbooks and
weight-loss books and none of those were ever any good. Could you or your
readers help give me a list on some well written and interesting non-fiction
books? It doesn’t make a difference what the subject matter is; I’ll read a
book about toilet brushes if it’s interesting. Thanks for any help you can
give.

Tired of crappy romance novels

Dear Crap,

Take a spin through my book list and see if you find anything there you like.It’s got a lot of true crime in it, but also memoirs and history books and stuff like that, so you might get some ideas there.

Readers: Feel free to submit suggestions (one per person, please).

[11/2/05]

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