Hey Sars,

The upshot of my problem is this: I’m homeless, friendless, and loveless.

Slight exaggeration.

I’m in a new city, new country; managed to find a great job in the field I’m trained in just as my money was running out, and now that I have a job, I’m trying to set down some roots.

I’d been staying in a backpackers’ hostel but am currently in short-term, dodgy-as-hell digs with a couple of other travellers. So I need to find a more permanent place to live (share accommodation, as all my furniture is on the other side of the world!). It’s very hard, and I only have a few weeks left or it’s back to the hostel and keep looking.

I could deal with this problem on its own.

As I’ve just moved to this city, I don’t have any friends or a support network. These things take time, I know, and I’m starting to become friends with some people from work, so I could deal with this problem on its own, as well. Or even compounded with the living situation. Stressful, yes, but doable.

Soon after I left home, I met this guy. I wasn’t looking to get involved and was really honest with him about this; nevertheless, he pursued me, we fell in love, talked about the future, him travelling on with me, marriage, kids — blah blah happyeveraftercakes. It’s all been pretty quick, but intense! He knew I would not be able to stay in the same city as him, not having a work visa for where he lives, but where I currently am is only an hour and a half drive from there anyway. We’d discussed that and sorted out how to continue the relationship once I found work and moved.

Last weekend — after I’d been in my job and therefore away from him for only ten days (with a weekend in between) — he informed me he doesn’t know if he wants to do a long-distance relationship, that he loves me but doesn’t know if he wants something serious (!?), he wants to slow things down without actually knowing what he means by that.

This is the problem. Without his love and support I feel lost, alone, empty. My support networks aren’t here, I don’t have a secure place to live, and while I know I’m in a great position to move on, meet new people and move discover new places, hobbies, whatever — not being in a place where I can be reminded of him or run into him — I need an explanation, I need a good cry, and most of all, I need a hug. Emailing friends or calling my mom when there’s a 14-hour time difference just doesn’t cut it.

He has a lot of stress in his life right now and I wanted to give him some space to think about things ( I sent him a kick-ass email — if I do say so myself! — telling him how I feel and asking for some explanations), but I’ve realized today just how much stress I’m under now as well! I think that if I get this sorted out (for better or for worse) at least the uncertainty will be gone and I can get on with everything else.

When I left last week, the plan was I’d go back in three weeks (now two) and we’d discuss things, and now I have the opportunity to go somewhere else that weekend and I really want to do that. So I’m thinking of calling him and trying to see him Sunday afternoon to work things out — maybe it’s not as much “time” as he originally expected, but I don’t want another two weeks of feeling like this!

He’s the one who said there was a problem; I think he owes me an explanation and I shouldn’t let this situation create more stress for me. I want to take control back of my feelings and I don’t think I can do that without an explanation for the sudden change.

Sars, I don’t know what I want you to say. I’m not really asking anything, am I? I know the friend and flat situations will sort themselves out in the coming weeks, but knowing that doesn’t make me feel any better. I guess…maybe I want reassurance that I’m on the right track? I know I don’t need a man — I’ve just travelled halfway ’round the world and scored a fabulous job without any help from anyone — but I want him, and if he loves me (as he says) then I don’t want to give up just like that.

If I keep writing, I’ll be talking in circles.

Thanks,
Humpty Dumpty (no longer on the wall)

Dear Dumpty,

I don’t know what you want me to say, either, really.Let me start with a general suggestion, though — don’t focus on the “why” of the situation.Focus on the “what.”

Here’s what I mean.He’s pulling away from you.In the end, the “why” doesn’t really matter, because regardless of his reasons and/or their validity, he’s having doubts.It’s painful, but that’s the reality, and that’s what you need to focus on — not whatever blather he’s giving you about the distance and slowing things down and not knowing what he wants.He knows how you feel, and you haven’t gotten an explanation because there really isn’t one.All you know for sure is that it’s giving you heartburn, and you don’t really need that on top of everything else.

You love him, and it’s hard, but it’s not your decision to make now, and I think you should cut him loose, because he’s not ready and waiting around for him to get there will only drive you both crazy.I wouldn’t rule out things changing for the two of you in the future, but that’s the future.You’ve got other issues to occupy you now, and you should concentrate on those things for awhile — finding a place to live, doing your job, making new friends, getting to know the city.

Short answer?You don’t have the time to devote to this kind of indecisiveness right now.Let him go.

Dear Sars,

I have never written to anyone for advice, because a) I usually have capable friends to talk to, and b) I am also usually the advice giver, and so it’s a little hard on the old pride. But anyway, I have found myself at a loss, and since I got addicted to Tomato Nation over the summer at work, and think you give excellent advice, I decided to give it a shot.

I go to what is considered a top school on the east coast (that’s important later; I’m not just bragging).I’m a sophomore in the engineering school here, and so is my boyfriend. We’ve been dating since midway through last year.Our relationship is great, we’re super-close, we survived a long-distance relationship over the summer (he lives about 800 miles away), and our few fights have been resolved within hours and end with both of us apologizing all over the place. Anyway, this semester, our classes have gotten exponentially harder. We made the supreme error of being in all of the same classes.So we’re together doing homework a LOT.We study together, too.Over the past few weeks, we’ve had a couple of important tests, and he hasn’t done very well.To make matters worse, I did really well on one of the tests, and sucked a little less than he did on the other.So, he’s entered this downward spiral. His new favorite sayings are “I hate my life,” “I’m so stupid,” “Why bother,” et cetera.He has proclaimed that he’s going to be upset for the remainder of his college career since he will never do better, his confidence is shot, and he wishes he’d gone to his local, easy college.

Now, all of this is supposed to make me feel sorry for him, and he’s admitted as much, and in his few moments of not taking himself so darn seriously, he is able to laugh about it. But the rest of the time, he is impossible to talk to.I’ve tried being comforting, sympathetic, and then, when my patience wears thin (as it does more and more), I lecture him about how he’s got it pretty good, relatively speaking, and that if he really hates his life so much, he should do something about it instead of bemoaning the unfairness of it all.This never goes over well.

The problem is, I don’t know if I can deal with this forever.I can’t say anything to him that helps, and I can’t stand seeing him miserable. I’ve told him this, and he understands, but he’s been having a constant pity party for weeks now.How many times do I have to say, “You are NOT dumb, you were the valedictorian of your high school and everyone loves you and I love you and yes you do too deserve to be here”? I feel that at some point I am going to say, “Oh, would you just stop WHINING and start STUDYING, for heaven’s SAKE.” And that would be bad.At the moment I am in “ignore” mode and just kind of nod or hug him when he starts his tirade.

Any ideas on how to deal with the situation? I want to be supportive, and I know he truly feels awful, but the way he is choosing to express it wears on my nerves.

Thanks for listening, and for your great site. It got me through many a boredom-filled workday.

Can’t Decide Whether to Hug or Strangle Him

P.S. You are WAY better than Dear Abby.

Dear Can’t Decide,

Thanks!I agree.Heh.

It sounds like we’ve got a basic behavior-reinforcement issue going on here.He whines; you respond with hugs and comfort.He moans and berates himself; you respond with reassurance and reminders that he’s not stupid.The point isn’t how you respond.It’s that you respond, period.Whether consciously or not, he knows that when he starts in with the academic neuroses, he’ll get attention from you, and even if it’s sometimes negative attention, it’s still attention.

Don’t do it anymore.Sit him down and explain to him that you love him, that you think the world of him and his big juicy chess-club brain (tm The Simpsons), that you have every confidence in his abilities, and that if it turns out that he’s not cut out for engineering, you won’t think any less of him.Then inform him that it’s the last time you want to have this particular conversation for awhile.Mean it.Back it up.The next time he gets on a jag with it, change the subject firmly, or nod and say, “We’ve been over this,” or say nothing at all.Leave the room if you have to.End phone calls if you have to.Stop responding.Stop reinforcing the behavior.I’ve had to do it myself in the past, and at first I felt horrible and coldhearted, but I’d tried everything else — hugs, kisses, cheerleading, logical discussions of the exact level of stupidity, telling him to cram it, everything.But people get in a cycle with this shit, and nothing helps, and it gets really really old, and if he won’t stuff it in a sock or get a tutor or look into therapy, sometimes the only thing left to do is say, “I love you, but I won’t do this,” and then refuse to engage it, period, full stop.

It’s a fine line between acting supportive and enabling a bunch of pointless whining, and sometimes it’s hard to find that line.I don’t mean that you should never listen to him complain, but you will know better than I the difference between when he’s just venting and when he’s picking at the scab again, and if it’s the scab-picking, shut it down.

I know you love him and you want the best for him, but again, he doesn’t do it for its own sake — he does it because it has an effect.Stop rewarding him for the behavior.

[11/28/01]

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