Dearest Sars,

I’ve got this wonderfully close group of friends.The four of us are an one-for-all unit that lasted all throughout high school, complete with inside jokes and nicknames.It’s disgustingly “ya-ya.”Anyhow, to celebrate graduation, we planned a road trip to Canada that we were all thrilled about (when you’re from a small town, Canada is exotic), but at the last minute, one friend in the group, herein referred to as “Snatchy,” backed out.Snatchy was a real…well, snatch about the entire thing, giving horribly lame excuses as to why she couldn’t go.The remaining three of us were crushed, and understandably pissed off.We cancelled the trip, and eventually got over it — we were all too close to let this trip eliminate four years of friendship.

Fast forward to freshman year in college.We’ve all remained pretty close, and Snatchy suggests a winter break Europe trip.Again, hopes and expectations build up, and then Snatchy pulls a Snatchy, backing out.This has eliminated all trust in her, and the remaining three are heartbroken.It’s not so much the trip, as the friendship being lost here.

But the problem lies in the fact that Snatchy does not realize what she’s doing.She doesn’t see her backing out as an end to our friendship, she just expects that we’ll forgive her and move on.This expectation is very immature and bitchy, but these are characteristics that we’ve sort of expected from the spoiled rotten, slightly gimpy, and always protected Snatchy.The trip is now pretty much doomed and there’s no chance of Snatchy reconsidering.

So, my question is, do I give this situation some time and not tell Snatchy all of the nasty things I’m thinking about her?Or do I call her up and lay down some smack?I want to give her a piece of my mind, but is it worth losing a friendship over a lost trip?In time, I’m sure I’ll forgive her…so do I risk saying all of the horrible things I’ve dreamed up in anger?

Thanks —

Wishful border-crosser/ass-kicker

Dear Wishful,

Whether you bitch her out depends on what you expect to happen as a result.If you do it thinking she’ll take your words to heart and do better in the future…you should probably think again.If you do it thinking that you want to show her how hurtful and irritating it is when she doesn’t come through, you should prepare yourself for the possibility that she won’t see it that way, or won’t think it’s important enough to make an effort next time.

My point is that the only behavior you can really control in this life is your own.It sounds to me like Snatchy is kind of self-absorbed and irresponsible, but when you don’t want to deal with that sort of thing, you pretty much have to just not deal with it, if you know what I mean.It’s clear you can’t count on her, so…don’t.

Not that you shouldn’t let her know that she’s pissed you off, because it’s possible that she genuinely doesn’t get it; if you haven’t told her it’s a big deal, maybe she really doesn’t know, and if you want the friendship to get past it, she should hear that.But if she’s consistently selfish and clueless, well, maybe the behavior that needs to change here is the one where you keep hanging out with her.

Sars —

I’m currently working at my first job in the publishing business and
loving every second of it.Unsurprisingly for a publishing drone, I want
to write someday, though my crippling fear of rejection paired with a lack
of clips and connections has kept me from being serious about getting
published lately.Right now I’m content where I am — I couldn’t be in a
better place to learn about the industry while I figure out where my
career should go next.

About a year ago, I dated “Fred,” who was very well-connected in the media
world (he works for another company).Because I did not want Fred to
think I was dating him for his connections, nor did I want editors to
think I was sleeping my way to the top, I was very careful not to use any
of Fred’s connections or ask him to put in a good word with editors while
I was dating him.I found my current job while I was dating him, but
totally of my own volition and without involving anybody Fred knew.

Several times, I met Fred’s good friend “Mary,” who was an absolutely
brilliant writer.We got along very well, and while I only met her a few
times, I know Fred talked me up to her quite a bit and vice versa, so we
felt like we knew each other much better than we actually did.She would
ask about me whenever they talked, that sort of thing.

Anyway, then Fred and I broke up.That’s putting it mildly.In reality,
it was more like Fred ripped my heart out of my chest and played kickball
with it for awhile before flushing it down the toilet.I still don’t
entirely feel like myself after months of therapy.My job and my writing
have basically saved me from totally losing my shit.

Fred still cares about me very much.I don’t doubt that.In the months
that followed, he and I exchanged a few friendly emails of varying length
and depth, but in late May I finally decided that hearing from him was
doing more harm than good and that I needed to stop relying on him for
moral support, so I stopped contacting him, blah blah blah
get-on-with-my-life-cakes.I could contact him anytime and we’d still be
friendly, but right now I just don’t think it’s good for me.Maybe in
another year or two I’ll be ready to try casual friendship with Fred.
Not now.

So yesterday afternoon, I’m looking at one of the publications I work with
and I spot a familiar name on the masthead — Mary’s.It’s high up on the
masthead.Like, really high up.And she just started about a month ago.
I was genuinely thrilled on three fronts: the wow-how-great-for-Mary
front, the how-nice-to-hear-what-Mary’s-up-to front, and the
oh-my-god-I-actually-know-someone-that-high-up-who-might-help-me-out-professionally
front.

So the temptation is to drop Mary an email, tell her congrats, and see if
she’d maybe like to grab lunch sometime.After all, I think she’s the
shit, we did get along well, and I would love to have a mentor like her in
this business…or maybe I could even pitch an article to her someday.In
another lifetime, she’s exactly the kind of person I’d love to have as a
non-professional friend, too, but Fred had her first and I wouldn’t push
that.

The problem?Well, there IS that niggling little doubt that I did promise
Fred I wouldn’t use his connections to get ahead.(Then again, Fred
promised me he wouldn’t break my heart, and look how that went.)

However, I’m more worried about this being an inadvertent violation of my
own personal Fred-moratorium.Fred and Mary talk often, so not only do I
know it’d get back to him that I’d contacted her, I can’t see how Fred’s
name wouldn’t come up when I talked to her.(In fact, I’ll have to say in
my email, “We met when I was dating Fred,” just because it’s been awhile and
I don’t think she ever knew my full name.)

And again, I really don’t want to hear about Fred.I know the industry’s
small, so it’s unlikely I’ll be able to go through life never hearing
about Fred again, but I’d rather be blissfully ignorant for awhile longer.
I imagine Fred is probably engaged to the woman of his dreams by now and
barely remembers me because he’s so busy living his perfect new life, and
being not exactly at that point myself, I’d rather not hear about it.

My contacting Mary has nothing at all to do with wanting to grill her
about Fred — but I’m afraid that she’ll think that’s exactly why I’m
contacting her.I’m sure Fred told her when he and I broke up, and he
might have even mentioned that it I took it kind of hard.I think it
might hurt me professionally if she thinks I’d actually schedule a meeting
under the pretense of talking writing when I really just want to talk
about my ex.And I don’t think I should come right out and say “this has
nothing to do with Fred” because that effectively comes off as the exact
opposite, doesn’t it?

So, if I’m to email Mary to say hello and ask her to a mentor-y kind of
lunch, what’s the best way to word it?How do I keep the conversation ON
publishing and OFF of Fred?Or should I just not do it at all?

Thanks,
Schmooze-aholic anonymous

Dear Schmooze,

I don’t think you should do it at all, not yet.You want Mary to keep you separate from Fred, your writing separate from your relationship, but you can’t even do that yourself at this point — your entire letter is “I promised Fred” this and “I don’t want to hear about Fred” that and “what if she talks to Fred” the other thing.Any email you send to Mary is probably going to read the same way; he’s going to make himself felt in his pointed absence.

Asking her out to lunch is a great idea strictly from a career-advancement standpoint — but your standpoint is not in fact “strictly” that at the moment, and until it is, don’t open that can of worms.Get past the Fred thing a little farther, and when you can consider sending her an email without worrying it to the tune of half a dozen paragraphs, then do it.

I mean, I completely don’t blame you for dissecting it to death.It’s a sticky situation.I just wouldn’t advise gumming it up any further.

I like The Vine enough that I’ve been examining my own life for situations that would warrant writing to you, but up ’til now they’ve all pretty much resolved themselves.This one, however, is entertaining.

I work for a local businesswoman pretty much full-time, though for next to no money, which isn’t my problem.I love her, I love the work, and I’m perfectly happy in my career.The problem is that I’m moving into the house that she owns, with her mother, in two months.It’s a beautiful house, and I love her mother to death, but I have some qualms.

Firstly, the woman in question will definitely be spending time at the house — her mother lives there, after all, and they’re very close.We’re both concerned about us seeing each other so often that we end up talking about work all the time — an issue that has come up in the past, since she works practically 24/7 and I don’t get to see her on a daily basis, so when I do I usually have work-related stuff to ask her about, which bugs the shit out of her if she’s not “on.”And she also has no real conception of the time I do put in, since it’s mostly done at home, at my computer, so her pity parties about how many hours she puts in really grate on my nerves.It doesn’t come up too often, anymore — we try really hard to be “respectful of one another’s space” — but when it does come up, it’s usually a big hairy deal.

Secondly, since I don’t make much money from what I do for her, I have a second job — and a third, fourth, fifth, and sixth, actually.(No, really.I counted.)I STILL don’t make enough money to eat anything other than Ramen, and I’m worried that being on her payroll and also being a source of income for her is going to turn into a financial nightmare.It’s possible that in a few months her business will pick up enough that she’ll be able to pay me more, but that doesn’t really untangle the potential knot.I have the opportunity to apply for a high-paying job, but it will be full-time, and I’ll have to pack in what I do for her around a 40-hour corporate work week.So I’m torn about that, too.

Thirdly, for the soap opera fans in the crowd, I have, in the past, had a MASSIVE crush on this woman.And her girlfriend.Actually, on a few of her girlfriends.I have been able to analyze and deal with my feelings for her, but when my hormones are up, it’s still difficult to forget that she’s gorgeous and smart and I love her deeply.And her girlfriend, well…mmmm. I’m not dumb enough to make a move, but I live in mild terror that my boss will discover my fondness for her long-term lover, because bitch is CRAZY jealous.

So, I guess my question is, should I put all my eggs in this one basket?My job, most of my friends, my home, my time — all tied up with one woman.Part of me is saying, “Hon, this is what you’ve been aiming for ever since you started stalking her,” and the other part is contemplating moving to Canada and changing my name.Commitment-phobia or legitimate fear?

Thanks!

Paging Alexander:we’ve got a knot here for you

Dear Alex,

“Ever since you started stalking her”?Yeah…no.Over-involvement, your table is ready.

Don’t do it.Seriously.You don’t have any part of your life — career, home, romance — that isn’t snarled up with the woman, and given everything you’ve told me about past conflicts and potential future ones, moving in with her mother is a disaster waiting to happen.

Make other living arrangements, and start separating yourself from her.Apply for the full-time job, take it, quit, and find other people to think about.

Dear Sars,

I loved “Yes, You Are,” and after recommending it to a prof who had been trying to make the same point in class today, I went back for a re-read. That’s when I noticed something I’d overlooked the first time around: “feministic adj.” I pride myself on being a bit of a grammar Nazi, so this threw me into a neurotic tizzy. Why?

Because I use “feminist” as both a noun and an adjective all the time. I’ve never used “feministic,” nor have I ever heard or read anyone else use it, but the more I think about it, the more correct, if cumbersome, it seems. I’d never say “artist personality,” so why does “feminist politics” seem totally kosher? If I’m talking economics, are the proper adjectives “capitalistic” and “Marxistic”? That seems to me like inappropriate universal application of a grammar rule, like when little kids say “runned,” but it still also seems correct.

Please weigh in, Sars. If I have to go proofread three years’ worth of women’s studies papers, I’d like to get started as soon as possible.

Adjective-Addled

Dear AA,

“Feministic” sounds like one of those words social conservatives like to spit out while accusing women of shredding America’s social fabric by daring to exercise our reproductive rights or some damn thing.(By the way, sorry to harp on this, except not really because it’s important, but I hope everyone voted today.If you live in New York City and you don’t think you need to go because it’s an off year, check this out — there’s a pretty sweet prop on the ballot that will allow all registered voters to participate in the primaries.It’s only at the municipal level, but it’s a start.Go flip your tab to “yes” on Proposal 3 and let’s make it an actual democracy around here.Go on, I’ll wait.)

Anyway.”Capitalistic” does have a listing in the 11C; “Marxistic” does not.To tell the truth, I don’t love “capitalistic” and “feministic”; neither one is incorrect, obviously, and it’s probably just my preference, but adding that “-ic” comes off like an affectation, and if it’s not in the service of precision…eh.

I’d stick with the “-ist” endings, which mean the same thing anyway.

Dear Sars,

You know what I hate? When someone says, “That’s a quality they both
share.” It’s wrong, right? It must be.

Boy, do I hate that

Dear Hey, Whatever Floats Your Boat,

It’s redundant; “both” is implied by “share.”We could argue, I suppose, that the “both” is intended as an amplifier, but we have no context for that here, so…yes.It’s wrong.Not mortal-usage-sin wrong, but lazy, and wrong.

[11/4/03]

Share!