Hello, Sars!

What’s the deal
with “that that”?For example, “I don’t know that that is a reason to
break up with him.”It looks strange to me and MS Office grammar
check scolds me for repeating a word, but I hear it used all the time.
Is “that that” technically correct?If not, what’s the proper
alternative?

Thanks!

Will “is is” be next?

Dear Next,

“That that” is correct, because each “that” is serving a different purpose in the sentence.The first “that” acts sort of like “if” or “whether”; it’s a conjunction.The second “that” is a pronoun, presumably standing in for a noun phrase along the lines of “his breath” or “the fact that he cheated.”

Substitute different words or phrases that serve the same functions and it becomes clearer that the two “that”s do different things, but are both necessary to the structure of the sentence, but if you find it bothersome-looking, just switch the first “that” to something else.

Dear Sars,

My boyfriend and I got in a huge, screaming and crying fight about this:

This past year a girl we both know was sexually harassed. We weren’t really friends but circumstances led to me going with her to report it, which was so sad and draining and emotional. It was a “he said/she said” thing and she wasn’t sure how she wanted to deal with it, so it was reported in such a way that no charges were laid but it is on record. If she decides to press charges, she can and she has this statement. If the cops ever look this sleazebag up (say, if someone else complains about him) then it will show up that he has done something like this before, but her permission will be required before the cops can look at her statement.

She was understandably upset and wanted to think about it for a few days and get some space before she decided what she wanted to do. As he is a student at our school and it was a school event, I encouraged her to also report it to the university and to get counselling for herself. In the end she decided that she didn’t want to press charges and she didn’t want to get him expelled.

A note on the guy: He comes off as a sort of clueless and completely socially inept nerd. Although he has followed girls around in the past, I honestly believed, until this incident, that he was harmless. He is very short which makes him appear powerless.

She didn’t want him to get off scot-free though. She wanted the university to know what he had done and have someone sit down and talk to him. She wanted him to understand that what he did was wrong and she didn’t want him to do it again, to anyone. She didn’t want anyone to know. She didn’t want to be gossiped about as “that girl who that guy assaulted.”

So she went to the university through the right channels and somehow it got way out of hand. Someone in the faculty took it into their own hands to talk to him and it became this huge fucking thing that everyone knew about. She got scared, backed off, wouldn’t talk, and nothing was done about it.

Enter frosh. The freshman are young and gullible and mindlessly follow their frosh leaders around for the week. There was some talk as to whether this guy would be allowed to participate or not, but in the end because the university hadn’t officially done anything, neither did the frosh organizers. In one event where the freshman are led around blindfolded (hands on the shoulders of the person in front of them) he was pretending to be a freshman and was also being led around (lots of upper years do this, just to mess with the freshman).He inappropriately touched the girls in front of him (ran his hands up and down their sides). My boyfriend knows these girls and he is upset.

Finally to the question: Does a victim of sexual harassment have a responsibility to do everything in their power to make sure that the harasser can never hurt someone else? This is how my boyfriend feels, whereas I feel that that is a shitty deal. You get harassed and then, not only do you have to deal with feeling violated, the onus is on you to stop him? Does it matter if the assaulter is a rapist or someone who fondles your bum?

Thanks,
It Makes Me Want To Cry

P.S.As someone who will be organizing events at school this year, what is my responsibility? He comes across as such a doofus. It’s only when you add up this incident plus the following girls around plus the invading of personal space plus the making girls extremely uncomfortable by staring plus the touching of frosh that it becomes conceivable. These are all small incidents that no one reports so nothing is done. Since nothing came of the one girl reporting him, I don’t know if anyone in the faculty has a complete picture of this guy. Even if I went and told someone, “He’s done this and this and this,” I don’t think anything can be done unless those girls are willing to come forward. And say what? “He makes me really uncomfortable, could you please expel him”? I don’t want him around, but he has rights too. What do I do?

Dear Cry,

Demanding that a victim of sexual harassment also carry the banner for every other woman the harasser might come into contact with is, in my opinion, a little much.Of course, it depends on the situation and on the particular harassment, and I think you’ll get a different answer from everyone you ask, but my take it on is that I do believe it’s important to stand up to, call attention to, and try to put a stop to behavior like that…but I also believe that other potential targets of this guy’s harassment can be counted on to take care of themselves, and that that first girl shouldn’t have to feel like he’s her responsibility entirely.

With that said…he fondled her, from the sounds of it, and if he didn’t have her consent and it wasn’t really an accident, she should report that and follow it up, because even if he did it out of cluelessness, that clue needs to be gotten ASAP before he gets himself into much more serious trouble.

And if he did it again, to freshmen who were blindfolded, and you witnessed him doing it, you should report it.Yes, it’s a pain in the ass; yes, there’s the possibility that school administrators might try to blow it off because it’s a secondhand report.But he’s…feeling people up.Uninvited.You know?I mean, there’s something really wrong with him, maybe, I think, that he thinks that’s okay or that he’s going to get away with it, and the school has a legal and moral responsibility to step in and either force him to figure his boundaries out, or to remove him from situations where he might harass other girls, and if that means he gets expelled, well, the school can take it up with his parents because clearly they fucked up somewhere.

So, I would report it, if I were you, and in terms of organizing school events, I would exclude him as much as you can, and if he must participate, keep a close eye on him and make sure other girls you’re working with are aware that, if there’s a problem, you want to hear about it.You don’t have to mention him by name; just say that if anyone is making them feel uncomfortable, they should let you know and you’ll help them out.

One last thing: These situations are hard to negotiate.It’s difficult to know what the right thing is, and to do it; there’s no “good” outcome, really.Just do your best.

I need a third-party opinion.

I started dating a girl about a year ago.Short history, relationship was great, sex almost every time we were together, outside looking in, the perfect couple.Not to mention that I was pretty popular amongst my friends, so it solidified the relationship.The undercurrent to the relationship was that I was a recent college grad and unemployed throughout the relationship, and she was dealing with debilitating migranes that she was on a tropical of meds for.

About a month ago, I broke up with her.Why?Because I kept having a gut feeling that I needed to do it.What was stopping me before? I was more worried about her and what everyone else would think.She can’t deal with the whole “maybe we should take a break” type of conversation, even for her to move away to get a better job.Plus my wounded pride that maybe I should work things out.However, things came to a head and I broke it off.

Here is where it starts to go downhill.

I’ve never broken up with someone before.At the very least I knew that voicing my feelings would not have made a difference.I did it over the phone.I am thinking that it’s over, and the fact that I haven’t heard from her has sealed the deal.However, she has posted a Livejournal post about her woes about our relationship.Which involves friends and people who shouldn’t have been involved. I called her phone and was pissed off.I deleted her comments from my Livejournal and blocked her.Plus broke up with her again over the phone.

Find out it’s STILL not over.Except now we have the final talk.She is so self-absorbed and doesn’t let me get a word in edgewise.She didn’t get the first breakup voicemail, because her phone was “broken.”Got the second message, casually mentions that “you broke up with my phone and not with me.” Not sure how to proceed.Finally starts telling me how she feels about things.I feel guilt (which is why I did it over the phone to begin with).I say I want to work things out.

I get in my car and feel like I’ve been had.The other problem is that I already had my sights on someone else and started dating her already.This was causing friction in my new relationship and rightfully so.I called to break up with her yet again, this time saying I found someone else.

I think it’s over.It’s not.Using Livejournal again, there is another post saying that I broke up with her, and it wasn’t pretty.Mentioning that “I won’t face her as a man and tell her what happened in our relationship.”I confront her again, now she’s on this kick that I cheated on her.That I treated her like absolute shit, the whole nine yards.Keep in mind she can barely stand.The conversation went again like last time, I don’t get a word in.I eventually get the door slammed in my face and I can do no right.

I think that it can’t get any worse.It does.She posts on Livejournal again, and now this is the coup de grace.She tells EVERYONE that I cheated on her.I’m starting to learn where she’s getting her sources from.Apparently I got drunk at a party and started hitting on everything that moves.She also ends up in the hospital because she ODed on migrane pills and wanted to kill herself.And she can’t keep food down.The only reason I even find out she is going is that she sends me a text message on my first day of my new job.(I assume that if I cheated on her, and I am the scum of the earth, why would she message me?).I immediately called her back out of pure disbelief that she would ever talk to me again.

I feel like I have nothing left.Not only do I feel guilt from doing whatever I did at the party, but she’s in the hospital and I don’t want her death on my conscience.So I get sucked into the fray.To redeem myself, I suck up my gut and visit her in the hospital.We are having a normal conversation, except I get stabbed in the heart when she asks for her “friends” to be there and she’s so lonely.

She gets out of the hospital.I’ve pretty much said that I’m done with her.There is nothing more I can do for her.The only thing I had left to fear was going back to my little social circle (which is a set of conventions we all attend) and watching the repercussions.She is still communicating with me, sending me IMs and text messages.Conversations are about other things.

I see her at the next convention.Again the conversation is normal.I’m finding out that some people are cutting me off, and that she’s been mouthing off to anyone who has an ear that I cheated on her, effectively dragging my name in the mud and ruining my reputation.In retrospect the “detractors” are minimal and I’m not getting eggs thrown at me.The only thing that drove me over the edge was that she told me to call her later.(I think everything is okay).I call only to get “the shoulder to cry on” in her hotel room telling me off.I went to his room ready to kick his ass, only to find my ex hunched over and crying.I was asked to leave by someone else in the room and I immediately went home.Crying/hysterical all the way.

I find out later from her that the reason why she is crying is that someone talked to her at the convention and has a tape of me cheating on her.Again, it’s the same situation, I got drunk, hit on everything that moves and was making out with someone.

The thing I’m getting out of this is two things.One, I shouldn’t have gotten involved with her.If I followed my gut and didn’t compensate for her then it wouldn’t be NEARLY as bad as it is now.Two, I need to stop drinking.That’s fine.At this point, I don’t care how wrong I am, or how right she is, but this 180-degree backstabbing bullshit needs to stop.I’m starting a new job, essentially a new life, and I can’t let this stop me from working or moving on with my life.I also don’t want to stop being social at conventions just because I had a relationship that went sour and I essentially need rehab.I just think that things are going to get worse, and either I have to help her get over it, which is just going to keep hurting me, or I let go of everything attached to her, which I have to hurt people who had nothing to do with this. Either way, I need some peace here.

Sincerely,
Broken Wings

Dear Broken,

If you want the “backstabbing bullshit” to stop, how about you just stop dealing with it already?I mean, my God — you just keep getting sucked back into the situation, and I don’t really understand why, because if you thought so little of her that you’d dump her over the phone, why does it matter what she says about you, or whether you aren’t friends?

Put some distance between you and keep it there.Now.Today.Stop reading her LJ, stop responding to her phone calls, stop discussing it with other people who are just trying to stir up aggro.She’s not going to take back what she said; she’s not going to calm down; accept the facts, namely that you handled the breakup kind of hamfistedly, and that your ex is kind of crazy and kind of a drama queen, and that as a result of these two things, she is not going to think well of you.It is what it is; your efforts to change it only make things worse.Figure it out and remove yourself from the situation, promptly and permanently.

You broke up.Act like it.Eventually she’ll settle down, but you need to give her space to do that, and you need to stop acting like the wronged party because it just inflames her.Leave it alone.

Dear Sars,

I’ve got this friend who lost her husband last year.
We’ve known each other for a long time — about six
years.We used to have a lot of fun, talking on the
phone and emailing (we live in different parts of the
country, so we don’t see each other often).

But now
she’s — well, she’s different.She’s not much fun
anymore.She’s kind of inappropriately intense, and
she cries sometimes, and she talks about how she’s
lonely, and sometimes she seems really angry.And now
she’s asked me if maybe she could be part of the
online community I’m a part of.

I don’t know what to
tell her because, Sars, she used to be fun, but she’s
really not anymore and I’ve been avoiding her myself,
as much as possible. I certainly don’t want to inflict
her on my other friends.

Is there some graceful way of telling her she wouldn’t
fit in without getting her all upset?

Thanks!

I just don’t want to make waves

Dear If By “Waves,” You Mean “Empathy,” Yeah, I Got That,

Yeah, obviously there’s a “graceful” way of telling a woman whose HUSBAND DIED that you don’t want to “INFLICT” HER on other people because SHE’S NOT FUN, and by extension, those other people might think YOU’RE not fun.Because it’s all about you, apparently.So, just tell her that.”Your grieving process, which I have apparently made zero effort to understand or sympathize with, is annoying, so get your own damn friends.”

I mean…Jesus.Look, a person who has suffered a loss are not exactly a party on legs, and sometimes that can wear on their friends a little bit, because the adjustment, the process, it takes time.I understand that it’s hard to deal with others’ grief sometimes.But if you want to call her a friend, if you really consider her a friend, you suck it up; you try to understand that she’s going through a lot — and that she’s lonely, dude.Her husband is gone and she’s trying to connect with people, and your response is, basically, “No, because you might embarrass me.”Which, I’m sorry, is shitty.

Maybe you should just tell her she can’t join.If everyone else in the community is so selfish that they avoid their friends because they “cry sometimes,” she’s better off finding something else to do.

Or you could get your head out of your ass and help her fit in, instead of whining that she won’t.

Hello, Sarah:

I think I have something new for you today. In fact, it’s neither relationshippy or cat-related.

So, my grandmother has an attic. And in this attic are easily 200 garment bags. And in these garment bags are dresses — like, hundreds of dresses from the ’30s and ’40s, most of which were handmade specifically for Gram. And of these hundreds of handmade dresses, I’d venture to say half still have tags on them.

Did I mention that I’m a size 8 — exactly the same size Gram was at my age? Yeah; now you get where I’m going with this.

You see, my grandfather plays a mean accordion. (He even toured with Bob Hope during the war!) Poppy played the clubs in Manhattan every night as a young man. On Saturday nights, Gram would go to the city with him to watch the band — and she wouldn’t have been caught dead in the same dress twice. Luckily, she had a friend who was a dressmaker, and he would create an AMAZING dress for her every single weekend. (Sidebar: Fifty years later, that same man now owns a bridal shop — and he made my wedding gown! So. Beautiful.) Anyway…

Ever since I was old enough to recognize the awesomeness of these vintage, barely worn dresses, I’ve been dropping hints to Gram. Not even hints, really; they couldn’t get much more blatant. I’ll say things like, “Wow, I can’t wait for the day when you take me up to your attic and let me check out all those dresses!” Or “I would love to wear one of your beautiful dresses to the wedding!” I think you’ll agree that I’m not what you would call subtle.

But she’s clearly not into it. She’ll say things like, “One day…” Or “I’m too tired to go through all that shit.” (Gram has quite a mouth on her.) And it is her shit, after all. I’m sure it holds a lot of meaning for her; so I really don’t feel like I should press it. Thus, I never have.

But it seriously bugs me that all of these amazing dresses are going to waste. I mean, I would truly love them and be so grateful to her for sharing them with me. It breaks my heart to think of them collecting dust.

What do you think? Is there any way to get my grubby little paws on those dresses in the near future? Or do I just have to sit down, shut up, and wait for Gram to take the lead?

Your advice is much appreciated,
Prêt-à-Porter

Dear Port,

Well, let’s call things what they are.You aren’t really annoyed that the dresses are “going to waste.”You’re annoyed that she won’t let you have them.It’s not like you’re haranguing her to give them to the local costume institute, after all.Is it.

I’m not pointing this out to bust on you; I’d want the dresses too.I wanted plenty of my own grandmother’s fancy cruise-wear and cool costume jewelry pieces.And then she died, and I got it.Not to be all morbid and “focus on your time with her, not with her stuff” about it, but…you know.She gets that you want to get your hands on the dresses, believe me, but I think you just have to stop asking, because your grandmother doesn’t want to feel like you’re more interested in her olde-tyme clothes than you are in her, and more importantly, she’s already made it crystal-clear that she’s not giving them up to you, so…drop it.Unless you want her to also feel like it’s a foreground issue in your relationship with her, you’re better off leaving it be.When she’s ready, she’ll let you have a look.Until then, try eBay.

[11/4/05]

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