Sars,

I hope you can help me sort something out before a
large conflict erupts in my family.

I have a two-year-old daughter.I love her dearly and
my husband and I provide her with everything she
needs. However, my Mom has bought about 75 percent of my
daughter’s wardrobe since she was born. I did not ask
her to do this, but I’m sure she has spent thousands of
dollars on her granddaughter (the only grandchild in
the family) in the last 24-plus months.Although I am
uncomfortable with the sheer amount of things Mom has
bought for Daughter, it has been a huge relief to our
already tight budget.Plus, Mom says that it’s not a
problem — she’s buying Daughter the things she
couldn’t afford when I was young.

Here’s the problem: Mom recently asked me to give her
all of the items Daughter had outgrown so she could
sell them on eBay.While I’m a packrat and save
everything and had put all Daughter’s clothes in a
cedar chest for our next child, I gave my Mom
everything, except a few things I wanted to keep: her
first Christmas outfit, the clothes she wore on her
first birthday, et cetera.

This has caused problems on a number of levels.First,
Mom is upset that some of the clothes I’ve given her
have stains on them that can’t be removed.She feels
that I didn’t do a good enough job taking care of
them.Plus, she wants the “special occasion” clothes,
since they were the more expensive items and therefore
more likely to sell.

Second, Husband is upset because
he feels that Mom has just “loaned” us the clothes, and
that there are now strings attached to everything she
gives us.I’m upset because I figured Mom wouldn’t be
able to sell a lot of the clothes (because of lack of
demand) and I would get back the extra, as I
requested, for another child.I found out today that
she gave everything (which was actually the majority
of the stuff I gave her) to my aunt for her three-month-old daughter to grow into.

What should I do?Tell Mom that I’m upset and risk a
family feud? Or just suck it up and not worry about
what a daughter I may never have will wear?

Please help me figure this one out…

Thanks,
Fool for Fashion

Dear Fashion,

I will never understand why people can’t get a grip on the “gift” concept — namely, that you can’t control what’s given to you, and that once you’ve given something, it’s out of your hands, in all senses of that phrase — but apparently it’s escaping your mother, and if she continues to “give” you things for your daughter, you will have to set her straight on it.

You don’t have to give her a lecture.You just have to clarify with her that if she expects the clothes back for resale, or to re-gift to your little cousin, you will no longer feel comfortable accepting them.Either she gives you the clothes outright or not at all.You can soften it (read: make her feel guilty, while also pointing up her tacky behavior) by saying that you don’t think you can keep them clean enough to meet her high standards.

As far as the special occasion clothes go, stand your ground.You have a right to keep things given to your daughter, and you also might try giving your mom guilt on that front — that she’s taking things away from her grandchild, in the end.Not that your daughter cares at her age, but it might work on your mom.

Whatever you decide, get an answer from her on whether you can expect her to collect the stuff she gives your child in two years’ time, and if she does, don’t accept it.That’s bullshit.

Hey Sars,

Here’s my problem. I want to go away to college in the U.S. for various reasons — my intended major is not available anywhere here, I want the freedom U.S. schools offer in choosing what to study, I want the social and academic opportunities that schools here don’t have, et cetera. The list goes on and on.

I’ve done my homework, researched schools, and managed to come up with a list of six schools I’d love to go to (not to mention that would offer me financial aid if accepted). I’ve taken the dreaded standardized tests, started filling out application forms, blah blah blah collegecakes.

My family has been pretty supportive and respectful during this process. My parents have paid for my testing, driven me to college fairs, and have promised to pay for part of my education. They know I’m serious about this, that I’m sure it is what I want, and that I have done everything in my power to achieve my dream.

However, they make me feel guilty about wanting to leave — they don’t do it on purpose, I’m sure, but I still feel shitty. You see, people here are expected to live with their parents until they get married. Families are close, and mine’s not the exception. So, my wanting to leave feels strange and unnatural to them.

My parents keep telling me that I’ll be away for such a loooong time, how they’ll miss me soooo much and how I’ll not be here to watch my sisters grow (they’re 11 and 15 now). Said sisters aren’t much help either — they are always calculating how old they will be when I graduate and stuff like that.

Frankly, the guilt trips are getting to me. They want me to stay. I get it. I also know they’ll have to accept my decision if I go. But they won’t like it. My intended departure is a year away and they act like they’re planning my funeral. In my head I know I shouldn’t let this get to me, but it’s hard to see my mom and sister teary-eyed over the prospect of my leaving home. It break my heart — at times I think I should just stay, choose another major, and suck it up, if it’ll make them happy. But I don’t think I would be happy that way.

How do I deal?

Torn Apart in Mexico

Dear Torn,

No, you have to go, and I think your family is behind it in theory.But they’ll miss you, and you should talk to them about that.Sit down with each member of your family individually, or segue into it with a couple of them at a time if the subject comes up on its own, and tell them what you just told me.Remind them that you have to do this.Let them know that you feel bad about making them sad, and that you’ll miss them terribly too, but there’s no reason the family can’t remain just as close.Promise to visit and write as often as you can.

Your family just wants reassurance — that they won’t lose you to the States, that you won’t change too much, that you won’t leave and never come back.It doesn’t sound to me like that’s your plan; you want to study up here to study, not to escape from your family, whom you seem pretty close with, and you should tell them that in so many words.

Families do this with the first one out of the nest.The first time I referred to college as “home,” my mother nearly blew an artery.It’s an adjustment, but if you soothe their fears a little bit, they’ll make it just fine.

Hey Sars,

My husband just got out of the military, and
fortunately found a decent job. Sounds great, right?
Um, not exactly.
The job is in an area that moved us a few thousand
miles, and VERY close to one of my husband’s closest
friends. Let’s call him “Mike.”

The trouble is, Mike is becoming more and more
antagonistic, not only toward my husband, but also
toward me, and worst of all toward “our” six-year-old
daughter (my daughter from a previous marriage). While
I can understand that Mike might have issues or
problems with either my husband or me, in my mind
there is absolutely no excuse for picking on a child.
I won’t get too far into specifics, but I will say
that I’m not the only one who has noticed it.

To make matters worse, Mike’s wife, “Wendy,” always
wants us to do “couple things” together. Wendy isn’t
somebody I would become close friends with, but she’s
a sweet person, and I like hanging out with her once
in a while, as long as her husband isn’t around.

I’ve discussed it with my husband, who agrees that
Mike has some problems. But in the end my husband just
keeps asking me, “What do you want me to do?” After
all, my husband is very close to Mike and Mike’s
family, and they were one of the big reasons we moved
here.

I would rather not go around busting up my husband’s
friendships, but I don’t understand why he remains
friends with someone who behaves so terribly. Plus,
Wendy seems really hurt when we don’t want to do
things with them. I’m doing my best to just avoid
Mike, but even that doesn’t seem to be working, as he
and my husband work in the same office!

I’m sure the
answer is something obvious, but apparently I need
some help seeing it.

Signed,
Myopic in Mississippi

Dear Myopic,

Has anyone pointed out to Mike that he needs to lay off your child?Have you said, “That’s inappropriate behavior, and if it continues, I can’t spend time with you anymore”?Has your husband taken Mike aside and told him to quit acting schmucky or else?

I would start there.Drawing Mike’s attention to the problem might solve it; after all, even if he takes it badly, at least that means he won’t come around anymore.So, tell your husband that he can do as he pleases, but you yourself will not tolerate Mike’s antagonism, towards you or towards your daughter, and if Mike starts in on either of you again, he’s barred from your home and you won’t socialize with him anymore, period.Back that up.You can handle it however you like — you can lay down the law with Mike yourself, or you can have your husband do it — but Mike needs to hear in plain English that he’s become a problem.

Leave Wendy out of it for now.She obviously doesn’t see a problem with him snarking at a first-grader, so, you know, to hell with her.Mike is the issue; deal with Mike.And if he’s still getting in your face after he’s told not to, well, that’s that.He’s a jackass, but he’s your husband’s jackass to hang out with if he wants to, because you have had it.

[11/5/02]

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