The Vine: October 14, 2009
Hi Sars,
My boyfriend and I just moved to New York, and since I arrived two weeks ago, I’m plagued by a near-constant fear of being attacked. (I figured I might as well jump right in.) More particularly, I’m afraid of sexualized or specifically misogynistic violence. I’m afraid of getting nabbed or raped or shot in the gym or any number of fantastic L&O SVU-style perverse scenarios, and I’m so afraid of it that it’s sort of paralyzing my daily activity.
This is coming from left field for me. I’ve never been subjected to any kind of abuse or attack, thankfully and luckily, and in terms of daily living, I feel like I generally know and employ the standard precautions women should take at home and in public. Before, those were always enough to keep me feeling relatively calm and empowered, but it’s not cutting it anymore.
What’s more, I’m not sure where the fear is coming from. I went to college in an urban environment, albeit on the West Coast, so it’s not like I’m fresh off the boat from the Yukon. We’re living in a very safe neighborhood near two major streets where businesses close late or not at all, so normal people are out grabbing a slice or hanging out with their friends until late at night — it’s not a threatening environment in any way. I lived in the city alone last summer on a fellowship, so I’m not new to or uncomfortable with the mechanics of the city in terms of public transportation, navigating, walking around, whatever, so I think I can rule out unfamiliarity as the cause of my anxiety.
I’ve never had any bad experiences here — the only thing I can think of is that we got here a week before our apartment lease began, so we were crashing with a friend in Washington Heights and while I never felt threatened per se, the neighborhood is lively and there’s a fair amount of hooting and hollering towards any woman out walking around, even if she’s in a muu-muu.
So maybe I’m still primed with the head down, don’t respond, get where you’re going mentality in ALL aspects of going around? I remember being cautious last summer, but I definitely wasn’t gripped by this unusual level of unproductive worry.
I’ve talked with my boyfriend about this fear, and he’s been responsive and understanding and has told me to tell him whenever I feel as though going somewhere or doing something would be risky, and he’ll go with me. I appreciate this and I do feel safer with him. Lots of times when I’m out and about we’re together — he’s a great drinking/movie-going/friend-visiting/all-around hang-out buddy.
But I’d also like to be able to do reasonably normal things without needing an escort, and my new friend this weird phobia is getting in the way. Just last week, I turned down two opportunities to meet friends for dinner and drinks because I hadn’t been to the restaurants before and the idea of walking from the subway station after dark was just too freaky. Whatever the cause of the runaway anxiety, I just want it gone. It’s unpleasant and I’m afraid it could interfere with my ability to intuit a TRULY dangerous situation if and when one arises.
I’ve already signed up for a library card and the instant it arrives, I’m checking out The Gift of Fear — so no need to reiterate that rec. I guess what I’m asking is, from a brand-new New Yorker to a seasoned one, as a woman how can I feel more comfortable going about my ordinary business in the city? Are there any NYC-specific safety rules and precautions you apply in your own life? Will I feel more comfortable with time?
I don’t ever expect to stumble down dark alleys drunk off my ass and emerge unscathed, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to hope that I might be able to feel more comfortable here meeting friends and running errands. I really do love the city and think I’m going to like living here, if I can just rein in my crazies.
Maybe I should become a nighttime caped crusader for nervous women everywhere
Dear Cape,
The Gift of Fear is a great read — but it’s not going to address the issue in this case.TGoF talks about obeying our instincts, speaking up, and putting our safety before our worries about “making a scene” or “not being nice”…in other words, it’s about learning to recognize and obey the fight-or-flight response a little better.Your problem is that your fight-or-flight response has gone haywire, to the point where any foray outside your apartment after sunset is fraught with potential danger.
The phobia is interfering with your day-to-day life, and your attempts to manage it on your own haven’t worked; you should see a therapist, one who specializes in phobias.I can tell you in a general way where I think the irrational fear is coming from — it’s probably that you feel out of control or out of your element in some way you haven’t dealt with, and the stresses and challenges of moving to a new city, or something in that situation as it relates to your boyfriend, perhaps, have manifested in this anxiety that doesn’t seem to have to do with anything.But the anxiety isn’t rational, and a counselor can help you unpack it and put it aside.
I could give you some safety tips for New York City living, but if you’ve lived in cities before, you get it — and again, this isn’t about New York.This is about something else that’s going on with you, something that may seem to have little or nothing to do with this phobia.And the one thing I would tell you, unfortunately, pretty much comes down to showing no fear.
If you’ve canceled plans, that means the fear is controlling you, in a way larger than a book is likely to change.Many many therapists deal with this sort of issue, though, so call one today and get at the central issue before it goes any further.
Dear Sars,
My boyfriend of over 3 years is a workaholic and I don’t know if I should try and get him help or if it is a lost cause. I’m hoping your sage advice will steer me in the right direction.
A was raised in a rural town by working-class parents. His now-deceased father worked long hours for little money, and his sister and mother have both asked him for a bailout within the last week, which has happened a few times previously.
A is in the mortgage industry and is employed by a large bank. Changes in his industry have certainly made his job more frustrating. People are scared and can get angry.
He has always worked long hours, I knew it before I started dating him and I was fine with it. He works from about 8 AM to 9 PM every day and it isn’t uncommon for him to work until 11:00. He usually hits the gym afterward. During the week it is pretty common for him to come home after I’m asleep. He usually works Saturday mornings as well. Though most of the people in his office work more than the traditional 9-5, he is always the last one there.
If I’m being honest the hours do bother me, but worse is how frustrated about work he always seems to be this year. It affects the little time we spend together. When we talk on the phone during the day he is easily annoyed. He usually comes home mentally and physically exhausted after his long day. He doesn’t really want to talk, certainly doesn’t want to cuddle, and can’t even think about being intimate.
I try to be understanding, I try to rub his back and not press issues I know will upset him.Sometimes I feel like a total nuisance if I want to talk about my day. I used to get upset by his fall-into-bed routine and he would have no kind words to comfort me. If I bring up that is has been awhile since we’ve had sex or that I’ve been missing him lately he usually snaps back at me. Anything I have to say, anything I want to do is reserved for the weekend.
So we live for the weekends. Friday he is usually too tired for much. Saturday we try to do something fun with friends and Sunday we are usually with each other and it is great. Is it enough for me? No, not really, but I would rather be with him the small amount of time we have together than anyone else who had all the free time in the world.
Of course it has negatively impacted our relationship, I don’t feel like I’m a needy person but lately I’m constantly craving compliments, affection, or for him just to be nice to me during the week. It has gotten so bad that lately I have found myself flirting back when I receive male attention. It isn’t who I am and I’m not proud of it but it is the truth.
My father traveled a lot for work but always made sure he didn’t miss “important” things and that he really spent quality time with us when he was home. I am a career-minded girl myself. I have a job I love and a pretty robust social life. A makes a good deal more money than I do but he doesn’t support me; I pitch in with the mortgage and utilities and try to plan fun things for us for what is left over after my own bills. Oh, and I’m sure he is really working so that isn’t the issue.
I don’t think anything will ever change A’s devotion to his job. That is fine with me; I love his determination and this really isn’t about being number one. I just need to change how it affects his mood at home during the week or I can’t be in this relationship much longer.
More important than our status is his health. His heart hurts frequently and he is losing his hair. How do I tell if this is a permanent thing or a product of the economy that will fade away and everything will go back to normal? How do I deal with this without ruining the little time we have together? How do I tell if I am actually needy or the problem itself? If I do have to disengage, how can I get him the help I believe he needs so he doesn’t work himself into the grave?
I really love this man but am starting to lose myself in the relationship and I can’t let that happen.
If You Fix This My Next Paycheck Goes To Donors Choose
Dear I’ll Settle For $10,
You need to read this entire letter to A, and then you need to point out to him that the way you talk about him makes it sound as though you are in an abusive relationship — because it does.You tiptoe around him; you bend over backwards not to set him off.You put aside your own needs and worries so that you don’t get snapped at.
I feel for the guy, because that industry has got to have handed out thousands of ulcers in the last year or so, but it’s not an excuse for him to check out of the relationship or treat you rudely…and he keeps doing it because you permit it.He’s not getting any consequences; he’s in a bad mood all week, which you tolerate, and doesn’t ask about your day or your problems, which you tolerate, and doesn’t want to have sex or talk, which you tolerate.
So, no, nothing is going to change until/unless you 1) tell him that his work — not his hours per se, but their effects — makes you feel invisible or annoying, and that you have major doubts about the relationship if things don’t improve, and 2) show him that the behavior isn’t acceptable.”I’m sorry you had a bad day, but that isn’t my fault, so don’t speak to me in that tone, please.””I’m sorry you’re tired, but when you never pay any physical or emotional attention to me during the week, it hurts my feelings.””I need you to ask about my day, or I assume you don’t care.”And when he acts like a dick, leave the room.Snap back.Something.Not that you can’t be supportive when he’s had a hard day, but who supports you?Your friends?That’s fine, but A needs to step up.
Ask for what you want; require him to participate in the relationship when the relationship needs it, not when it suits his work schedule.He needs to know these things so that he can work on them, but again, you’ve trained him how to treat you (tm Dr. Phil), and now you will have to retrain him on that point.He acts the way he does because he has learned that not making you important doesn’t carry a penalty.
He’s having a hard time; I sympathize.Taking it out on you, after a year?No.This Saturday, instead of going out with friends, lay it out for him: you’re done being spoken to like a pest and made to feel like crap.You won’t call him at work anymore if that helps him out any, but in exchange, during the 10 minutes a day when he’s not at work, he puts you ahead of the gym a few times a week and treats you like a trusted, valuable human being.Period.
Hi Sars,
First off, I love your site.Longtime reader, first-time Vine question-asker.
When you started your DonorsChoose.org contest this year, I posted a link to it on my FB page.I got the following comment from a friend who is a teacher:
“Uhh, I’ve submitted projects to Donors Choose before. And while they were funded, they make the teachers jump through hoops of fire backwards before and after the projects are completed.”
Not really the response I was hoping for, but okay.I was a little irritated with her comment because anyone who isn’t familiar with your contest or DonorsChoose.org could read her comment and automatically have a negative reaction towards the whole thing.I commented back that I have received thank-you letters from the teachers and pictures of students participating in whatever activity I’ve donated to (I have to say, those pictures warm even my cold, dead heart), so I guess some teachers are happy with the results.
I thought that would be the end of it, but then she sent me a long letter as to why she felt this way.(I’ve provided the letter in its entirety below.You may print it or not as you see fit.)Her response made me feel almost bad that I’ve donated to DonorsChoose.org, which then irritated me even more because I don’t think that donating to them is a bad thing.
First, was it kind of a dick move for her to post her original comment on my FB page?I would have preferred that she email me directly so that other people couldn’t see her comment and not be left with a somewhat bad impression of the whole thing (assuming that they didn’t click on the link and read about how truly awesome this contest is).
Second, am I justified in being a bit annoyed with her for bad-mouthing an organization that I’ve chosen to support?She wasn’t totally bitchy about it or anything.She says that she has donated in the past and that I should still donate now.However, if that’s the case, then why is she telling me all this negative stuff?I’m not planning on discussing this with her further because I can’t really argue with her.I just want to know if I’m making too much out of this.
Still Gave To Projects And Am Happy About It
Dear Happy,
I won’t reprint your friend’s letter, because I don’t have her permission, but I’ll review her primary complaints for the readers:
1. Several teachers got projects sent back by DC for wording changes, which discourages teachers from trying.
2. Teachers may want a specific product, or a specific printing of a book, but because DC allows only particular vendors to be used, teachers don’t always get exactly what they’d had in mind.
3. DC gives “VERY specific guidelines” about the thank-you letters from the teachers and kids, which your friend finds insulting, and which more advanced students find “constraining.”
4. DC sent her emails regarding her colleagues who owe them materials.
And then she closes with a somewhat sniffy paragraph that includes this: “All those teachers who are willing to jump through their hoops certainly do deserve the money, and there are kids who benefit too.”
Well, it’s nice of her acknowledge that the entire point of the thing may be worthwhile.Jesus.
I think your friend might have an entitlement problem, but as far as whether it’s a dick move to post that on your FB page?Tough call.She certainly comes off like a dick, starting the comment with “Uhh,” which is dismissive right off the bat, and then acting like expending any effort to get these resources is offensive to her — but that’s on her, and I think you handled it well.You disagreed, you pointed out some positives, and you decided to let that be the end of it.Deleting her comment would have caused more problems than it solved, and not everyone has to think DC is awesome.
So, that’s the question you actually asked.As to her complaints…you know, it does sound like some work to get a project up.Some.In exchange, teachers get critical resources paid for, and they themselves do not have to pay for it.I feel like it’s a fair trade.I also feel like Donors Choose probably knows, since they do this and only this all day, which project submissions get more attention and funding, and submitting to an edit is not an insult to a teacher’s abilities; it’s supposed to help them succeed in their goals. I can tell you firsthand that I won’t add a project to the TN page that has flagrant spelling errors in the title or the first paragraph.The project is probably perfectly worthy, but if you don’t run a spell-check on it before asking me to ask my readers for a thousand bucks to pay for whatever it is?I mean, it takes five seconds.If you really don’t want to make any effort, that’s fine, but you can’t expect miracles in return.
Yes, the thank-you notes sometimes seem copied from a script.So what?The thank-you notes I wrote my own relatives as a kid couldn’t have sounded more stilted if they’d been written on an actual pair of stilts.Your friend’s problem is more with the script provided for teachers, but it’s supposed to save the teachers time, I think, and isn’t really a reason to get angry.
As for the last thing, it’s like she’s looking for reasons to get pissy.Just forward the fucking email to your colleague and get on with your day, good grief.
DC does not do everything perfectly.They will be the first to say so.Nor is it necessary for teachers who post projects to kiss DC’s ass.But your friend is acting like they’re asking her for money, which whatever.
Tags: boys (and girls) health and beauty workplace
I am saddened by people who put down an organization that is attempting to help.
My workplace (a hospital) did a yearly March of Dimes fundraiser for the first 4 years that I worked here. Right before the year 4 (but it had been going on for 15 years before that, or something) fundraiser, someone sent out a hospital wide e-mail saying how bad the animal testing was, and how absolutely nothing good came out of MoD. And how bad we should all feel for paying 5$ for bluejean fridays, etc. (This also had a link to PETA, which apparently HATES MoD)
Only about 50% of the previous year’s participants showed up, the next year they only raised 10% of what they raised the prev. year. adn they haven’t even attempted it, since.
The really sad part is that they haven’t attempted ANY kind of fundraiser, since.
You know, I am a HUGE GoF fan, so this might come off as too deBecker-y, but maybe Cape’s fear (ha) IS trying to tell her something. Maybe something is off in her new environment, and her spidey sense is trying to tell her that. I’m not saying this to freak her out or keep her inside more, so I hesitate to even hit ‘submit comment’ here, but it can’t hurt for Cape to take a closer look at what is freaking her out so much. Is there a dude lurking in the hallway a lot? Does she always feel particularly creeped out at a certain time of day, in a certain spot? Also, her fear could be telling her that she don’t like NYC for a different reason. In one chapter deBecker talks about a woman who is very scared walking to her car at night, and after he talks with her, he discovers that she hates her job and the late hours and the commute and THAT was what was making her feel off. Cape’s intuition is telling her something’s up, she needs to figure out what that is, and a professional can help.
On the Donor’s Choose thing, I’d like to add that you hear SO often these days of “charities” that are flat out scams, or that take an excessive percentage of donations for administrative costs, and very little of your donation reaches the intended recipient. Those reports contribute to an atmosphere of distrust that hurts every non-profit.
Part of the reason I donate to Donor’s Choose is because they do their background checking, and I feel secure that my donation is actually helping kids learn. I don’t worry that DC is taking most of my donation, that just anyone can claim they are a teacher and post a project, or that the teacher receives the money and then never actually completes the project. If I didn’t have that feeling of security I wouldn’t donate. So, Donor’s Choose can and should do thorough background checks and follow up.
I find it distressing that a teacher has such a, frankly, immature and rude attitude.
Paycheck writes “His heart hurts frequently”
Boyfriend needs to see a doctor, ASAP.
Cape – Hang in there – I’ve dealt with unexpected fear before, and it’s no picnic, but it can get better. Please, please follow Sarah’s advice and find a counselor to help you with this. For me, though, something else that helped was trying to find safe ways to address my fears. Maybe look in to taking a self-defense class, or add a can a pepper spray to your key chain. This won’t replace looking in to the root of the fears, but it will help you feel like you are taking a positive step. Also, use your daylight to explore the area, and remember why you wanted to live in NYC to begin with. Good luck!
@Cape: I would try a little Feet To The Fire self-help, myself – before paying someone to do it for me. If it IS some sort of Law & Order-induced phobia (I actually assume that if I’m ever in New York, I will surely find a body at least once), then set up for yourself a practice:
Set up a date with the BF, for after dark, at a restaurant a few blocks from a Metro (sorry – subway? I’m DC-bound in my public transportation language) stop, and meet him there. While you’re out there riding around, and walking by yourself, take inventory of what, exactly, is setting you off. Strange men walking toward you? Too many people in general? Walking past alleyways? Traffic lights blinding? Homesick and tired of all the newness?
And then you’ll reach the restaurant and have BF there to welcome you with open arms – and to discuss the whole thing.
I just moved to DC from the Sooner Nation, so I feel you a little. I don’t share your recent phobia, but I can certainly empathize. But just think – millions of people are out there walking around all willy-nilly, NOT getting attacked; you are on that list!
To $10: I agree with Sars’ advice, but I’d also like to add that his health is a major concern as well. My husband was in a less-drastic, but similar situation – job he hated, long hours, poor health. I was worried about him because it was making him miserable. He’d start getting bummed on Saturday night that his weekend was over and he’d have to go back to work on Monday. But, he was supporting us, and didn’t have a resume… blah, blah, blah. I told him that his health was worth more than money, and that we could make it work if he had to take a pay cut, but that he NEEDED to look for a new job.
As fate would have it, when he finally got serious about it, he got laid off. (Economic reasons for the company, not like they found him looking for a new job or anything, that was kept to off-work hours). He had an annual physical not long after getting laid off and his blood pressure was down from the year before. So, your boyfriend’s heart hurting him? That is very likely stress related.
It didn’t make anything happen right away, but I think it helped my husband to hear that I knew he was unhappy, that I didn’t like the changes I was seeing in him, and that I would support whatever decision he made.
It is important to let him know that he can’t just walk all over you, but it will help, I think, to let him know how concerned you are about him. Don’t dismiss your feelings and your needs, but also let him know that this job seems to be killing him. These are tough times, but it wouldn’t hurt to put his resume together and start looking for something else.
Also, if other people in his office are working 9 to 5, and he is still pulling 8 to 11, plus gym time? That’s a problem. Why do other people leave at 5, but he stays later? I know my husband felt like he didn’t have a choice, but the owners of that company wouldn’t sacrifice their time and health for him. It’s hard to put your own needs first when you are worried about layoffs or something, but the company probably won’t reward him for the sacrifices he’s making.
While Happy’s friend is entitled to her opinion that DC is a PITA in terms of getting on the list and then issuing the thank you notes and whatnot after funding is provided, her complaint doesn’t do much to deter me from giving. My point is that perhaps the rest of Happy’s FB world did not care either. The “Uhmm….” wasn’t that DC was keeping too big a slice of the pie or the money not going to a good place (unlike the anti-MoD email); she doesn’t even suggest that DC is somehow censoring the projects in some way. I don’t know of any other organizations that are going to give me the opportunity – on the same scale – to pick a particular project that I want to help pay for that is related to a real world classroom as opposed to throwing money in a big pot that goes God-knows-where in the end. Perhaps if I personally knew a few teachers that could make use of my $25 as an alternative to DC, that complaint might mean something. But as it is, Happy’s friend just sounds like a complainer that it was too much effort to get something basically for free. Yeah, you don’t get that specific edition of the book or that specific brand of crayons but isn’t a different edition/brand better than nothing? Frankly, her complaint might make me more willing – I know that there is some kind of quality control at DC, they make an effort to make the funds go longer in getting people what they’ve asked for, and they aren’t blindly letting anyone post a request for money. If you aren’t willing to put in some effort to ask me for money in a nice way, why should I give it to you?
@Cape – Allowing fear to grip you over and over, allowing the phobia to work on you over and over, just strengthens those pathways in your brain. Fear is, as deBecker points out in GoF, intended to tell us when something’s wrong, and if it’s “on” all the time, you stop being able to pick up on it. Go see someone before it gets a better hold on you, and you may be surprised how quickly you can shut it down.
@Happy – I bet there are some hoops, but hoops aren’t necessarily bad. Sure, some people are too overwhelmed to even get started when confronted with a bureaucratic obstacle course, but hoops are also a way to weed out those who aren’t committed and/or those who can find another way if they look harder. DonorsChoose helps so many people, and they’d be inundated with projects if everyone who just wanted a few free pens asked them to help with a project.
I echo what many others have said re: DC, but honestly: The students find the thank-you note guidelines constraining? I don’t have a problem with that, to be honest with you. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a teacher complain that students shouldn’t have to do anything constraining before. I found writing about history constraining when I’d rather have been writing fiction. Part of school is doing things that are constraining, because that’s how you learn to do things according to a set of instructions, which is a thing you will run into a few more times in life.
When I was in eighth grade and the Delaware Society Of Professional Engineers funded my trip to Washington to compete at MathCounts! (shut up), my mother made me go to their banquet where they wanted to acknowledge me. They paid for a TRIP, was her thing. You can go and dress up and let them fuss over you, even though they are professional engineers and you are in eighth grade and you don’t have a lot in common.
At which banquet, I should mention, I accidentally knocked my entire dinner plate into my lap, a humiliating experience I later wrote about in great detail for English class, which basically started me on the career path I am following today. One must do things from time to time that one does not want to do.
Re Donors Choose: I’ve been a high school teacher and I’ve been a scientific researcher. While I have not applied for funding through Donors Choose for my classroom, I am familiar with the process and I’ll tell you, the “hoops” are nothing compared to writing a research grant (NSF, NIH, take your pick.)
So, you know. Perspective.
@Cape – NY is rather intimidating. I think you may be experiencing culture shock, especially if your west coast city had fairly homogeneous (socio-economic, race, language) neighborhoods, even if they were next to each other. The good thing about culture shock is that it will go away. But it may take a year. I would suggest that when you are walking around alone, always have your cell phone and look like you’re talking into it. Or really talk into it. Having someone “there” may help your sense of security. And who really wants to attack someone who could scream and help would be on the way? But you will get used to it and you’ll find your comfort routes and people will look less threatening once everything else is familiar.
@$10 – I broke up with my boyfriend when he had a job he hated because he became a miserable person. I couldn’t take it. We’re back together now, mostly because he has a new job he likes and a boss he can tolerate. It’s weird how men really define themselves by their jobs but can’t seem to leave a good paying job even if they hate it. My honey now makes 2x what he was making in the miserable job but it took them selling the company and him having to leave to get him out. Creatures of habit. Sars is spot on. Let him know and don’t take the abuse any longer. And it is abuse. Best of luck!
@ Melanie – one thing I was taught in self-defense class is that if you are walking around with a cell phone or earbuds in, you make a more attractive target because you’re distracted and not fully attentive to what’s going on around you. I wouldn’t recommend it.
@ Cape,
I agree with Sars in her recommendation for therapy, and I would like to like to echo J’s recommendation for a self-defense class. A friend of mine who used to be a campus cop and martial arts instructor created a program called “Buy Yourself a Minute”. I’m not really plugging his program specifically; his book appears to be out of print, and a quick internet search indicates he may not have had any luck franchising his specific program. However, the rough general concept he advocated – if you can manage to hold off your attacker for one minute through whatever means (escape, avoidance, fighting back, pepper spray,etc..), your chances of escape/survival go up. Any reputable self-defense course will teach similar concepts. With this information you will likely gain back some confidence, knowing that you can handle yourself in a similar situation. Your best weapon is your mind. Paired with therapy, I think you’d be on the right track. I don’t know NY law regarding pepper spray or similar items – legalities change from municipality to municipality.
New York in particular can be quite intimidating, due to its size (both geographic and population). It wouldn’t hurt to research some crime statistics. New York on a per capita basis usually has lower crime rates than other cities (Detroit, Baltimore, etc.). You just need to get past that mental hurdle. Law and Order and its spinoffs & ripoffs would have decimated a smaller city with all the murders they’ve had over the years, so try not to dwell too heavily on it. Remind yourself they’re fiction & have to play up the negative aspects of the city to justify going into a third decade of broadcast and syndication.
@$10 – I also work in the mortgage industry. If I didn’t have a son, I’d probably be working hours like your boyfriend. I am the ONLY staff member left. Two years ago we had six support people, and now it’s just me. I have hung on by my fingernails, through downsizes and layoffs. I can NOT afford to be unemployed right now, and there’s nowhere else to go. I work till 6 or 7PM frequently, and come in on Saturdays or take work home. If the owner of the company asks me to do something completely outside my typical realm, I DO IT. I have my job, and the rest of the people I worked with do not. In this economy, being the one who never says NO goes a long way.
I am not saying that your boyfriend is right to treat you like he does. He needs to see a doctor, and a therapist. But I am saying that the fear and uncertainty in this and many other industries right now can cause some very unhealthily workaholic behaviors.
@Happy It sounds like you handled the facebook situation fine. You responded, but didn’t attack her. I’m sure its a bit of a drag to fill out the paperwork and do the thank yous and what-not, but today I just saw someone who has had 33 projects funded. 33! If its that’s horrible, I don’t think someone would do 33. I’m not a teacher, but I think I would understand that both DC and the people donating want to know they their money is going somewhere good and would plow through it. I mean, if I were a teacher, I wouldn’t want other “teachers” submitting fraud “projects” and getting funding that could be going to me. Plus, DC seems to implement changes a lot, I would hope that they would do their best to dial it down if the red tape gets chokingly thick (I would hope).
But back to what I was really going to say that I see people nay-saying organizations for assorted reasons in assorted locations at assorted times. Doesn’t matter the charity, someone doesn’t like it for some reason. Some people are more obnoxious about it than others.
As a teacher who has posted projects on DonorsChoose as well as written many a grant, I’d say that DC is the easier and more teacher-friendly route to go. The project proposal is fairly simple in comparison to that of most grants I’ve written. Once a project has been funded, DC takes care of ordering the materials so that I don’t have to go through our school’s sluggish finance department. I can submit all of my paperwork electronically, and DC even takes care of sending the Thank You notes on to the donors. All right, we took a half hour of class time to create some cards. What’s wrong with that? My students have been blown away by the fact that people in other places care enough to donate to their success, and, inspired by this kind of generosity, now look for ways to help others in return.
“It wouldn’t hurt to research some crime statistics.”
I completely disagree. A phobia, unfortunately, is not always subject to knowledge-is-power rational thinking, because it is by definition irrational; looking up crime stats is just going to refocus the obsessive behavior instead of getting at the root cause. Some people would feel empowered by understanding the realities of the situation, it’s true, but she does understand them, intellectually. She’s not able to control the anxiety that way.
Not to be always recommending therapy and sounding like Ann Landers, but in this case, I really don’t think a tae kwon do class and a rubber band around the wrist are going to cut it.
Cape: I was having this problem and it basically became untenable. I was also worried about family members all the time, so not just my own personal safety. I’m working with a therapist now on my anxiety issues, and interestingly, it’s looking like some unresolved traumatic grief is playing out in my anxieties. Now we’re doing EMDR therapy to try and attack it at its source. Anyway, it’s a good idea to talk to a therapist about sudden changes in thought patterns, because it can lead to nonintuitive insights that you wouldn’t have gotten to on your own.
“I really don’t think a tae kwon do class and a rubber band around the wrist are going to cut it.”
Absolutely. Cape needs to talk, talk, talk this thing out with a therapist – something is different for her this time, and talk therapy is an excellent way to figure out what/why. She *has lived* in the city before without this kind of anxiety. That tells me this is stemming from something other than the move, at least in part. Given her prior experiences in NYC, I don’t think it makes any sense at all to suggest that Cape’s anxiety comes from being immersed in non-homogeneous neighborhoods (I mean, really, what?). Nor do I think it’s particularly on-point to really blame this on L&O. There’s more here, and it’s worth the time and money to figure it out with the guidance of a professional.
And while we’re on the subject of paying therapists for help – @Krissa’s phrasing (though perhaps unintentional) emphasizes a rather pervasize, negative view of therapy that I think holds a lot of people back from getting the help they need: “I would try a little Feet To The Fire self-help, myself – before paying someone to do it for me.” A therapist doesn’t do anything *for* you. A therapist facilitates a dialogue that allows you to work through emotions, issues, obsessions, anxieties, grief, etc. Therapy is hard work for the patient; it’s not helpful to suggest that the cost of treatment somehow means the patient is handing it all off to a pinch hitter. We’re talking about mental health, not vacuuming.
I don’t have a strong opinion about Donor’s Choose one way or another, but what *should* you do when you think that a friend or relative is donating money to a bad organization? Not just an organization whose aims you disagree with (I personally almost never get involved with any kind of religiously-based charity, but I know lots of people who do and whatever, that’s fine), but an organization that you believe to be badly run (or even fraudulent)? I don’t want to come across as someone who is “putting down an organization that is trying to help,” as Carena puts it up above, but some charities spend an awful lot of money on administrative costs, marketing, etc., and as someone who doesn’t have a whole lot of money to give, I prefer to give my hard-earned where it is going to do the most good, and I think probably most of my loved ones feel the same way. Is there a good way to say, “I think you’ve already thrown away your money donating to that charity and I want to stop you from doing it again!”?
I love Donors Choose and donated for the first time this year. It doesn’t seem like most of the reporting requirements are overly strenuous or anything…but I admit I winced when I read that Happy’s friend is getting emails saying other teachers aren’t doing their parts. That seems like crossing a line to me.
As far as the DC editing process goes, your friend may be interested to know that I was about to donate to a literacy project when I noticed that buried in the description of the project was a misuse of “it’s” to mean “its”. Another project looked like it might be cool, but I was actually unable to understand exactly how the project fit into the stated goals for the curriculum.
A clear, concise, grammatically correct project description can make or break a project, and if you friend is offended by being offered help to produce one, then I guess she doesn’t really want the money very much.
@Kyle: I don’t know if there’s a “good” way to say it, but phrasing it in more of a “here’s some information you might not have about the organization” way could work. In this case, the complainer acted like the information was public knowledge, which combined with the put-upon attitude is not a recipe for being taken seriously on this point, but if I donated to an organization which a friend of mine knew for a fact was embezzling donations, yes, I would want to know that.
But a snitty comment on Facebook is perhaps not the venue.
@Cape:
I reiterate the previous calls for therapy — this sounds like something that runs deep.
I also wanted to say this: I was born and raised in a tiny Midwestern town of about 6,000, and since reaching adulthood I’ve lived in a lot of cities, New York City among them (Washington Heights, actually). While it is an intimidating place because of its reputation and the density of its population, I felt (and was) safer there than in any other city I’ve lived in.
It’s because there’s *always* someone around. And if I was walking around late at night, and my route would take me through one of the rare side streets where there *wasn’t* someone around? I’d find another way to where I was going. Or I’d walk the tiny block, clutching my keys between my knuckles and glancing side to side, because I never had the forethought to buy myself some damn mace or a whistle. But it never lasted longer than a block, and there were *always* people less than a block or two away who I felt I could call out to if I were desperate.
Now I live in a West Coast city with a huge population of meth addicts and sometimes I’ll walk ten blocks without seeing a single soul at ten on a Friday night. I think I may actually go out and buy myself some mace this time. (Or a whistle? Which is better? Is a whistle any good if there’s no one around?)
So: therapy, definitely. But in the meantime, know that you as long as you don’t go out and do something dumb (and it really doesn’t sound like you will), you are in a safe place.
@Bria – completely unintentional, that. My apologies. I in no way intended to minimize the patient/therapist relationship or responsibilities. Nor do I think of it as a common chore.
I am only coming from my own perspective of a very strong “I wanna do it ON MY OWN!” mentality – I would feel as though I didn’t give it the ol’ college try if I didn’t at least attempt to sort things out on my own. While we’re not talking about vacuuming, we’re also not talking about a life-long struggle with anxiety and/or fear of the city life. I would want to try everything I could think of before I’d feel comfortable enough to even open that dialogue with a therapist. I don’t mean that therapy should always be a last resort – far from it! – but in *this* kind of situation, for me, I would want to bring all the answers I could to the table or I would feel unprepared to work through the Stuff. Like I didn’t do my reading, so I can’t talk about the book.
@Isa- ‘I have my job, and the rest of the people I worked with do not. In this economy, being the one who never says NO goes a long way.’
Isa, I’ve been in similar shoes, though I’m sure not yours exactly, and while in your case not saying ‘no’ did go a long way, who’s to say that it will in $10’s boyfriend’s case? I think there’s a difference between extra effort and pulling way too much of the load. If he was staying late every night until even just 7pm, that’d be putting in way more work than everyone else and still managing to balance his life.
I’ve seen people work like this, and they often end up doing poor work in the long run because their brains never get a chance to re-charge. When I work more than a couple twelve hour days in a week, I end up making stupid mistakes that cost me more time in the long run, and I’m not stupid or lazy, or the only person that it works like that for.
I’ve also been in an industry for the last eight years where every single year there was a good chance of losing your job. It was just the way of the industry (and political machinations of companies all fighting for the same work), not the work you did. What I learned from that, though, was how many other opportunities there really are out there. Most people just hate looking so much that they’ll deal with being miserable for years and companies definitely take advantage of that.
Another good “walking around at night” safety device:
A big, heavy effin’ flashlight. Or a small one that is crazy bright (or some combination of the two). Some of the new LED flashlights are seriously so blindingly, painfully bright that if someone messes with you, shining it right in their face would temporarily blind them and definitely distract them.
I don’t know how bright it is, but this one definitely satisfies the “long and heavy” criteria:
http://tinyurl.com/yk68xpc
I mean, you could really clean someone’s clock with that thing, right?
They also apparently make flashlights that are made for self-defense, like this really expensive one that I kind of covet, not because I need it but because it looks bad ass:
http://tinyurl.com/yzyr4lw
I don’t live in the USA and don’t know Donors Choose as an organisation. However, I run the community affairs programme for a very large and prestigious UK law firm and give away money to worthy causes on a regular basis. Charities that pass on funding to projects need to have rigorous vetting and evaluation processes to ensure that donations are spent in a worthwhile manner. I give money away for a living and I want to know that it is being spent wisely, and for the purposes it was given. No teacher is being forced, at gunpoint, to apply for DC funding, so I find Happy’s teacher friend’s attitude really weird. And yeah, total sense of entitlement.
One thing worth remembering is that you can delete other people’s comments off your facebook page, so that’s what I would have done with this negative and pointless feedback from the miserable teacher (rather than risk her opinion putting other potential donors off).
Re: Cape–I moved from my relatively low-income, high-ish crime into the small city I had lived near my whole life. My first year I lived in a low-income subsidized housing artists’ loft meant to rehabilitate failing neighborhoods. There was a methadone clinic next door (though actually everyone who stood in line outside the clinic was polite and not-scary, and it was oddly the most organized, polite, and unrowdy waiting line I’d ever seen), and we got lots of mentally ill homeless people outside the building–anyway, it wasn’t a safe place. A year later I moved to a residential neighborhood in the city, where about 50% of the homes are owned by rich people and 50% are divided into apartments. It’s one of the safer areas of the city. But once I moved here, for some reason, my always-higher-than-normal fear-o-meter went way the hell up. It wasn’t my environment, it was partly that my new roomie was gone a lot, but it kind of happened quickly and rather unexpectedly. I do have a close family friend who was once attacked by a stranger and nearly killed, and I think my experience with her family has made me more fearful than average.
Anyway, I got a dog and it was the best thing I ever did. He’s a rescue, German Shepherd/hound/lab/etc mix, and he’s very, very dedicated to keeping me safe (especially from the dangerous monsters we have in these parts called “squirrels”). When I walk him, men cross the street to get away from me when they see me coming instead of the other way around. Now when I hear a creaky noise or think someone’s trying to get into my window through my fire escape, I look at him. If he’s laying there or paying attention to his stuffed animals and not looking out the window like he needs to cut a bitch, then I know I am in no danger and can relax. When I answer the door and it’s the fed-ex guy, I don’t worry about opening to door to sign for the package, because the dog’s standing behind me making sure the guy in the uniform doesn’t try anything funny. When I hear a woman screaming at a man in the street, I can grab him and stand on my porch to ask what’s wrong, hackles-up dog beside me looking scary (because he responds to my emotions). It’s been unbelievable how much this animal has changed my life. It was about 6 months of serious, debilitating anxiety. Within a month of having him, not only was I more comfortable in my house alone at night, but being out alone wasn’t as scary either. It’s like, when I was nervous all the time it was exhausting. When I could have all that time with him, feeling safe and less stressed and happy, then walking to my car alone at night was just regular-alert, because I was able to re-regulate my own fears (or something?). Maybe it was just that having some time where I wasn’t anxious meant my fear-response wasn’t in overdrive and overworked.
I know New York isn’t the best place to get a 70 pound dog, but I walk him a a few miles a day and take him to the do park on weekends. He doesn’t run around my lawn because it isn’t fenced in, and if he saw a monster across the street he’d try to go slay it/eat it and possibly get hit by a car. It’s a lot of work and a lot a responsibility (far more than having cats, of which I have two–my apartment is big) but the reduction in stress in my life has been truly, truly unbelievable and it has been worth it a thousand times over. Actually I’ve also lots like 20 lbs because I walk him a lot, and my health is better than ever. It was literally the best decision I’ve ever made. Especially now, actually, when so many house-trained animals are being abandoned for financial reasons, getting a dog who won’t poop in your bed is not that hard. I took him to a trainer and it’s easy and fun to walk him, and he listens to me. Provided there are no monstrous squirrels in view.
I feel like I want to play devil’s advocate for a minute and recommend to $10 that she dump the boyfriend. I know, it seems harsh, but I don’t see him coming around, even with re-training. A partner who is only nice to you one day a week is no bargain. Mightn’t you be better off alone than with someone for whom you seem to be nothing but an inconvenience, another burden in an already overburdened day? You really do deserve better.
And I’d further reject the notion that dumping him would necessarily be piling on a guy who’s under a lot of pressure already. I think there’s a very good chance it would be a relief, but even if it’s not, it’s not your job to save him from himself.
To reiterate: you deserve better and it doesn’t look to me like this guy is interested in that.
@Bria
I’m really sorry that NYC is freaking you out…I echo others here who mention a therapist…even a few sessions where she/he can help you develop coping skills to deal with your situation a little better will be beneficial.
I lived in NYC for almost 6 years and still visit there very frequently and the funny thing is, I never felt scared there. (But yeah, you stumble down dark alleys late at night…not good…glad you don’t do that) There are some subway stations that are sketch late at night, but if you feel nervous about being there late at night by yourself, maybe spring for a cab ride just to ease your mind a little? The funny thing is, I moved to DC a couple of years ago and I feel a LOT less safe here than I ever did in NYC. If you need help navigating and easing anxiety, feel free to email me…hang in there.
Cape – I’m guessing, but this sounds more like an anxiety issue in general than a fear of NY. (I have anxiety disorder, and some of what you said sounds familiar.)
If you need to feel like you’re empowered and know how to take care of yourself, I strongly recommend a course in NYC called Prepare. They teach you how to use your own body to protect yourself, and how to be aware of your surroundings, trust your instincts, etc.
I think Sars had a good point though – this may be something you want to talk to a therapist about, because it’s more than just a fear of NY – it sounds kind of like a fear of the “unknown”, you know? And it’s better to face it and learn how to deal with it than let it control you. If you let that happen, you’ll find that more and more, you’re boxing yourself in and staying home and not doing things – and the fear becomes paralyzing.
I hope you won’t let that happen, and that you get to enjoy living here. I’m a NY native and I can tell you this: yeah, there are some freaks out there. But the good stuff here outweighs the freaks. :)
“I don’t have a strong opinion about Donor’s Choose one way or another, but what *should* you do when you think that a friend or relative is donating money to a bad organization?”
I think you address that issue privately with the person. You do not do it publicly, in any sort of way which might make the person feel as though his or her integrity is being called into question in front of others.
I would liken this to some of the scare emails I get from my Mom (to be fair she’s not taken in by much). I look them up, link evidence of their bebunking to her, and let her decide if she wants to send out notice to other people on the copy list. That’s being respectful of her, while addressing my personal concerns. In regards to this issue, it seems like the FB friend’s objections to DC are sort of personal taste. It’s not like people’s money is actually going to nefarious causes, so making a public pronouncement of “fact” is rude and misleading.
.02.
I totally agree with Attica regarding the workaholic boyfriend and the likelihood of that situation not being fixable.
The whole ‘what should you do if you think a friend or relative is donating money to a bad organisation’ question is simple, I reckon: if they’re adults I would accept that it is none of my business and leave them to it. Unless I had serious reasons to suspect that the charity in question was completely dishonest (and that’s fairly difficult in the UK, as it’s all very regulated), I’d assume that their philanthropic priorities were different to mine.
Oh Wise Sars, I wish I had the sense to follow your v. reasonable advice to Fix years ago.
@ Fix – I lived with that. And then he had the nerve to walk out on me and say *I* had “personality problems” and then overdraw our bank acoount to the tune of about a grand. For what it’s worth, I am now a first time home buyer, have an awesome bf, my finances are in order, and I don’t have to put up with that shit no mo’. Am I happier now? You bet your ass I am.
@alie – that is EXCELLENT advice. It sounds like you and your dog are in a mutually beneficial relationship … it’s great to hear about animals who are being used to do the work they were bred to do, rather than being couch potatoes. I bet your guy is happier because he has a ‘job’ to do, and you are happier because he does it well! Win-win!
And @$10 – ITA with @attica & @Jacq, etc. But if you can’t see clear to dump him, then please FIX THIS before you consider marrying him & having children with him. YOU can deal with this behavior and encourage the necessary changes, but a child could not. No kid deserves the kind of absentee parent he would be if this isn’t corrected before then. Please don’t go there until he realigns his priorities … if that is, indeed, what HE wants to do. If not? Sayonara.
Fix, it sounds like you and your boyfriend are living out paralell unhappiness.
He’s spending ridiculous amounts of time trying to keep his job from dumping him, and you are spending wayyyyy too much time trying to keep him from snapping at you. Both of you are desperately unhappy, and something is going to give sooner or later–you’re going to have a fight, he’s going to have a heart attack, or you may end up in an affair-type situation because it’s the only way you feel you can “express” yourself.
The thread of this Vine seems to be fear and how pervasive and suffocating it can be. Both of you seem to be in its grip, and feel helpless and smothered, and like nothing will ever change EVER, at least nothing you have control of. But that isn’t true.
This economy sucks out loud and your loved one is in one of the most stress inducing, hard hit industries around. That’s true, but it’s not the whole truth. What’s also true is that hard times or not, you are not serfs required to submit to the whim of some crackpot despot. You are employed and earn enough to pay your way. There are ways to reduce expenses drastically and ease the financial burden of the household. But you have to do it together–this is not something you humbly “present” to him as an offering to make HIS life better. It’s something you as a couple do to make both your lives better.
Your boyfriend seems to be bound by a double rope–fear of losing his job has him choking, and “I’m SO OVERWORKED I don’t have time to be a decent human” has him staying on this track. He’s acting this way because he’s getting things out of it: martyrdom, soothing his anxiety, a person to dump his frustrations on. You may feel bad for him, but that’s not a reason for him to make you feel bad.
Rule Number One For Life In General: Don’t be an asshole. That’s the rule for everyone. Recession or no recession, job hate or job love, mortgage or rental.
I used to work in the mortgage industry for many years. I was “just” an admin assistant in a regional office, and I was in it during the Great Refi Boom of 2001 – 2004.
And it was *miserable*. Awful. Even MY hours included a lot of OT, and thank goodness I was in a non-exempt position because I didn’t earn a bonus or a commission or anything over and above my shitty $34,000 annual salary for everything I did for those people, so hell if I wasn’t gonna get paid accordingly for the time I put in!
Dude, it’s been over 4 years since I left that job, and I still think about it almost daily, and I’m STILL bitter. ::sigh:: I know…I need therapy.
Anyway, I remember my first job with the company…I started out as a temp in their wholesale office here in the area I live in. 3 people had their birthday celebrations in the couple of months I was answering their phones…I remember they were all turning 30. And I was amazed, because I thought they were all at least 40 – 45.
THAT is what the mortgage industry does to people. Hand on the bible, it is an effed up, backasswards place to work, even when the times are good! I cried almost every day over the pile of work I had to do. I left when I asked for a raise that would give me about $150 more in each paycheck, and they said no…right after they gave some goon and his team over $50,000 in sign-on bonuses just to come and sell mortgages for our company. The stress and the misery just weren’t worth it for me, but it took me a long time to figure that out, and step away from it.
All of this to say that I understand what your boyfriend is dealing with, Paycheck. I admire him for working as hard as he does, and you for continuing to love him. Because he needs you. He may not show it, but he does. So like Sars says, show him your letter, and let him know what he’s doing to his personal relationships in order to honor a shitty, effed up situation that will never get better. NEVER. I hate to be all doomsday about it, but it’s the truth. He might want to consider a new industry…like insurance, perhaps? I have some very happy insurance salespeople friends in my life, and they seem to be doing pretty well for themselves. :)
@Stef: Not to freak you out, but Washington, DC IS much less safe than NYC, according to any crime stats I’ve ever seen/heard of.
Yeah, I wasn’t sure what is funny about being more scared of DC. DC is much more dangerous and has much less reliable public transportation….
I would caution anyone thinking about arming themselves ( flashlight, mace, etc) in order to feel safer to really think about what you are doing and take a self defense class first. Most people don’t know how to defend themselves whether they are armed or not and I was pretty freaked out to find out how often mace/ flashlight/ keys become the weapon of opportunity for your attacker.
@Cape, I became phobic of riding in cars when I moved to a new city for grad school. I saw a couple of car accidents (one fatal) within a few month span and it just triggered something. I think that the fear is more based in stress than with the fear itself. My advice? Cope with the stresses in your life, understand that your fear is not allowed to control you, and if it does, seek counseling ASAP.
Good luck!
@Happy, Getting grant money is ABOUT hoops. It’s not money for nothing, you have to work for it. You have to plan, and show that you will follow the grantor’s rules. There’s no such thing as a free lunch.
“Not to be always recommending therapy and sounding like Ann Landers, but in this case, I really don’t think a tae kwon do class and a rubber band around the wrist are going to cut it.”
I must point out that my original posting recommended self defense classes in addition to therapy, not in lieu of it. It was always my suggestion to recommend both in conjuction with each other. Also, I need to clarify, I was suggesting self-defense geared instruction, not necessarily martial arts in general. Many martial arts classes are not specifically defense oriented; they may emphasize earning escalating colored belts, competition, or even sparring for exercise’s sake. My recommendation was to look for self-defense classes specifically aimed at Cape’s fears. Quite a few of these classes are oriented to women only and take bits and pieces from different martial arts as well as instilling precautionary bits of wisdom, such as “always know where the exit is”, and “keep aware at all times”. I know from my own experience that the classes I took (mine were martial arts, not specifically self-defense) gave me the confidence to know that I can handle myself in almost any enivronment. The skills are important, but so also is the confidence that comes with the knowledge. I think this can be an effective complement to therapy. I feel that the more steps Cape is able to take toward coming to terms with her fears, the better.
I disagree that knowledge of the actual crime statistics does not help the situation. No, Cape is not able to control her anxiety that way, YET. Having the information is not the problem. It’s the ability to process the information in useful ways. She may know that her fears are irrational, and in fact, she has mentioned that she is cognizant of that fact. However, that information does not operate in a vacuum. I would be very surprised if therapy does not make use of the fact that there is plenty of information available to Cape that belies her fears. Not all of it is clinical, like statistics; she has available to her anecdotes from others, such as TN readers, friends, neighbors, coworkers, etc. Different sources of information get processed differently, and some people do better with numbers and others from personal experience. That info is a foundation and as the therapist is able to work on the anxieties, it will probably serve Cape well to have the base information already there, intellectuallized, if not fully processed emotionally. I don’t mean to imply this is the only tool that a therapist would use, just that I would be surprised to find that it wouldn’t be used at all. Therapy should help consolidate the reality to the expectations.
Having the information is not the problem. It’s the ability to process the information in useful ways.
Then I think we’re basically saying the same thing. Information itself is almost never a problem; my feeling, based on her letter, was that, if she’s already cancelling plans, it’s past the point where information on that topic is going to help. The danger is that she’s going to seize on the, say, two armed robberies in the neighborhood in the last month, and not put them in a context with how many thousand people live in the neighborhood, the fact that she never goes to the delis where they took place, or what have you.
Anyway: sorry I misunderstood the original comment, but like I said, I think we’re saying the same thing, just arriving at it from different angles.
@Stef, GeorgiaS, and LDA–thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to quote former DC Mayor, convicted felon, and current DC City Council member Marion Barry: “If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate.” Thank you, Mayor Barry
@Cape–I wish you the best of luck. It sounds to me that you moved to New York because you wanted to enjoy the experience of living there. Whichever advice you choose to follow, just keep in mind your goal, which is to experience all the best that NYC has to offer. Do what you need to do to make that happen.
@happy: Donors Choose isn’t alone in requiring something of the people they want to help. Non-profits have stringent standards to weed out those who aren’t really in need or won’t take the program seriously. It also helps raise the image of both the non-profit and those in the program in the community. There’s a certain sub-section of society that has an issue with people seemingly getting something for nothing. When a person has to actively earn the help they’re seeking, it tends to quiet the critics.
@cape: I don’t know if this will help, but when I’ve dealt with anxiety in the past I found that going through things in a “safe” way helped me do it later. Walking to a certain neighborhood with a friend before doing it on my own, using the subway in broad daylight before using it after dark, etc. It also helped to think about how many safety nets I really had: the cell phone in my pocket, the cop on the corner, the 24-hour stores where I made a point of getting to know the cashiers, things like that. I hope you find something to help you.
Ha ha. Hoops for Donors Choose? I seriously doubt it. In my job I both ask for grants, and run a grants program. If someone is giving you money, there are necessarily going to be some hoops, since the funder is going to need to know if you actually used the money for what you said you were going to use it for. I’ve spent basically the past 2 1/2 years, submitting, revising, and resubmitting the same funding request to the National Science Foundation, and finally, FINALLY, they’re willing to accept us to the next step. Granted, we’re talking about $1M, not $1K, but if you want to talk about hoops…particularly if we actually get the $1M. Sheesh.
Funders like Donors Choose are trying to achieve a particular mission, and in this case they are choosing to fund existing programs instead of creating their own. They can’t know if they’re achieving their mission if the money just disappears in to a black hole.
As an aside, teachers who can’t spell make me completely insane. At the very least, please, please, use spell check before you teach my kid either a) how to spell something incorrectly, or b) that spelling doesn’t really matter. Because it does. I have totally pulled grant proposals from the running because something was spelled wrong or was poorly written. And I’m not as nice as Donors Choose to let them edit it and send it back.
My aunt recently made a similar sort of comment about Donors Choose; I’d been enthusing about it and she interrupted to snit “You know, the thing with them is that they charge a HUUUUGE overhead and really inflate the costs of the items in the projects to cover it. I’d much rather donate to places that don’t do that.”
And that made me think…maybe they do upcharge a bit to cover operating expenses and what not…nothing happens for free, right? But when is the last time you EVER got a personalized thank you from anyone who benefited from the donation you made to any of those ginormous charities? I’ll keep my money going to Donors Choose, thankyouverymuch, where I *know* it’s going straight to people who need it and who appreciate it.
“You know, the thing with them is that they charge a HUUUUGE overhead and really inflate the costs of the items in the projects to cover it. I’d much rather donate to places that don’t do that.”
Good luck to her in finding one. Non-profit organizations have a run rate — all of them. So please do ask her to tell us the names of these “places” that don’t pay rent or utilities, run entirely on volunteer time, and get free postage and office supplies, because then truly we will be in the presence of a miracle.
Sorry to bag on your aunt, but…really.
@Sars,
We probably are approaching the same solution from different angles. I was less concerned about the crime statistics as a potential trigger than the aforementioned Law & Order: SVU (and then you go and plug SVU in one of your next posts, hee!)