Hi Sars,

My boyfriend and I just moved to New York, and since I arrived two weeks ago, I’m plagued by a near-constant fear of being attacked. (I figured I might as well jump right in.) More particularly, I’m afraid of sexualized or specifically misogynistic violence. I’m afraid of getting nabbed or raped or shot in the gym or any number of fantastic L&O SVU-style perverse scenarios, and I’m so afraid of it that it’s sort of paralyzing my daily activity.

This is coming from left field for me. I’ve never been subjected to any kind of abuse or attack, thankfully and luckily, and in terms of daily living, I feel like I generally know and employ the standard precautions women should take at home and in public. Before, those were always enough to keep me feeling relatively calm and empowered, but it’s not cutting it anymore.

What’s more, I’m not sure where the fear is coming from. I went to college in an urban environment, albeit on the West Coast, so it’s not like I’m fresh off the boat from the Yukon. We’re living in a very safe neighborhood near two major streets where businesses close late or not at all, so normal people are out grabbing a slice or hanging out with their friends until late at night — it’s not a threatening environment in any way. I lived in the city alone last summer on a fellowship, so I’m not new to or uncomfortable with the mechanics of the city in terms of public transportation, navigating, walking around, whatever, so I think I can rule out unfamiliarity as the cause of my anxiety.

I’ve never had any bad experiences here — the only thing I can think of is that we got here a week before our apartment lease began, so we were crashing with a friend in Washington Heights and while I never felt threatened per se, the neighborhood is lively and there’s a fair amount of hooting and hollering towards any woman out walking around, even if she’s in a muu-muu.

So maybe I’m still primed with the head down, don’t respond, get where you’re going mentality in ALL aspects of going around? I remember being cautious last summer, but I definitely wasn’t gripped by this unusual level of unproductive worry.

I’ve talked with my boyfriend about this fear, and he’s been responsive and understanding and has told me to tell him whenever I feel as though going somewhere or doing something would be risky, and he’ll go with me. I appreciate this and I do feel safer with him. Lots of times when I’m out and about we’re together — he’s a great drinking/movie-going/friend-visiting/all-around hang-out buddy.

But I’d also like to be able to do reasonably normal things without needing an escort, and my new friend this weird phobia is getting in the way. Just last week, I turned down two opportunities to meet friends for dinner and drinks because I hadn’t been to the restaurants before and the idea of walking from the subway station after dark was just too freaky. Whatever the cause of the runaway anxiety, I just want it gone. It’s unpleasant and I’m afraid it could interfere with my ability to intuit a TRULY dangerous situation if and when one arises.

I’ve already signed up for a library card and the instant it arrives, I’m checking out The Gift of Fear — so no need to reiterate that rec. I guess what I’m asking is, from a brand-new New Yorker to a seasoned one, as a woman how can I feel more comfortable going about my ordinary business in the city? Are there any NYC-specific safety rules and precautions you apply in your own life? Will I feel more comfortable with time?

I don’t ever expect to stumble down dark alleys drunk off my ass and emerge unscathed, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to hope that I might be able to feel more comfortable here meeting friends and running errands. I really do love the city and think I’m going to like living here, if I can just rein in my crazies.

Maybe I should become a nighttime caped crusader for nervous women everywhere

Dear Cape,

The Gift of Fear is a great read — but it’s not going to address the issue in this case.TGoF talks about obeying our instincts, speaking up, and putting our safety before our worries about “making a scene” or “not being nice”…in other words, it’s about learning to recognize and obey the fight-or-flight response a little better.Your problem is that your fight-or-flight response has gone haywire, to the point where any foray outside your apartment after sunset is fraught with potential danger.

The phobia is interfering with your day-to-day life, and your attempts to manage it on your own haven’t worked; you should see a therapist, one who specializes in phobias.I can tell you in a general way where I think the irrational fear is coming from — it’s probably that you feel out of control or out of your element in some way you haven’t dealt with, and the stresses and challenges of moving to a new city, or something in that situation as it relates to your boyfriend, perhaps, have manifested in this anxiety that doesn’t seem to have to do with anything.But the anxiety isn’t rational, and a counselor can help you unpack it and put it aside.

I could give you some safety tips for New York City living, but if you’ve lived in cities before, you get it — and again, this isn’t about New York.This is about something else that’s going on with you, something that may seem to have little or nothing to do with this phobia.And the one thing I would tell you, unfortunately, pretty much comes down to showing no fear.

If you’ve canceled plans, that means the fear is controlling you, in a way larger than a book is likely to change.Many many therapists deal with this sort of issue, though, so call one today and get at the central issue before it goes any further.

Dear Sars,

My boyfriend of over 3 years is a workaholic and I don’t know if I should try and get him help or if it is a lost cause. I’m hoping your sage advice will steer me in the right direction.

A was raised in a rural town by working-class parents. His now-deceased father worked long hours for little money, and his sister and mother have both asked him for a bailout within the last week, which has happened a few times previously.

A is in the mortgage industry and is employed by a large bank. Changes in his industry have certainly made his job more frustrating. People are scared and can get angry.

He has always worked long hours, I knew it before I started dating him and I was fine with it. He works from about 8 AM to 9 PM every day and it isn’t uncommon for him to work until 11:00. He usually hits the gym afterward. During the week it is pretty common for him to come home after I’m asleep. He usually works Saturday mornings as well. Though most of the people in his office work more than the traditional 9-5, he is always the last one there.

If I’m being honest the hours do bother me, but worse is how frustrated about work he always seems to be this year. It affects the little time we spend together. When we talk on the phone during the day he is easily annoyed. He usually comes home mentally and physically exhausted after his long day. He doesn’t really want to talk, certainly doesn’t want to cuddle, and can’t even think about being intimate.

I try to be understanding, I try to rub his back and not press issues I know will upset him.Sometimes I feel like a total nuisance if I want to talk about my day. I used to get upset by his fall-into-bed routine and he would have no kind words to comfort me. If I bring up that is has been awhile since we’ve had sex or that I’ve been missing him lately he usually snaps back at me. Anything I have to say, anything I want to do is reserved for the weekend.

So we live for the weekends. Friday he is usually too tired for much. Saturday we try to do something fun with friends and Sunday we are usually with each other and it is great. Is it enough for me? No, not really, but I would rather be with him the small amount of time we have together than anyone else who had all the free time in the world.

Of course it has negatively impacted our relationship, I don’t feel like I’m a needy person but lately I’m constantly craving compliments, affection, or for him just to be nice to me during the week. It has gotten so bad that lately I have found myself flirting back when I receive male attention. It isn’t who I am and I’m not proud of it but it is the truth.

My father traveled a lot for work but always made sure he didn’t miss “important” things and that he really spent quality time with us when he was home. I am a career-minded girl myself. I have a job I love and a pretty robust social life. A makes a good deal more money than I do but he doesn’t support me; I pitch in with the mortgage and utilities and try to plan fun things for us for what is left over after my own bills. Oh, and I’m sure he is really working so that isn’t the issue.

I don’t think anything will ever change A’s devotion to his job. That is fine with me; I love his determination and this really isn’t about being number one. I just need to change how it affects his mood at home during the week or I can’t be in this relationship much longer.

More important than our status is his health. His heart hurts frequently and he is losing his hair. How do I tell if this is a permanent thing or a product of the economy that will fade away and everything will go back to normal? How do I deal with this without ruining the little time we have together? How do I tell if I am actually needy or the problem itself? If I do have to disengage, how can I get him the help I believe he needs so he doesn’t work himself into the grave?

I really love this man but am starting to lose myself in the relationship and I can’t let that happen.

If You Fix This My Next Paycheck Goes To Donors Choose

Dear I’ll Settle For $10,

You need to read this entire letter to A, and then you need to point out to him that the way you talk about him makes it sound as though you are in an abusive relationship — because it does.You tiptoe around him; you bend over backwards not to set him off.You put aside your own needs and worries so that you don’t get snapped at.

I feel for the guy, because that industry has got to have handed out thousands of ulcers in the last year or so, but it’s not an excuse for him to check out of the relationship or treat you rudely…and he keeps doing it because you permit it.He’s not getting any consequences; he’s in a bad mood all week, which you tolerate, and doesn’t ask about your day or your problems, which you tolerate, and doesn’t want to have sex or talk, which you tolerate.

So, no, nothing is going to change until/unless you 1) tell him that his work — not his hours per se, but their effects — makes you feel invisible or annoying, and that you have major doubts about the relationship if things don’t improve, and 2) show him that the behavior isn’t acceptable.”I’m sorry you had a bad day, but that isn’t my fault, so don’t speak to me in that tone, please.””I’m sorry you’re tired, but when you never pay any physical or emotional attention to me during the week, it hurts my feelings.””I need you to ask about my day, or I assume you don’t care.”And when he acts like a dick, leave the room.Snap back.Something.Not that you can’t be supportive when he’s had a hard day, but who supports you?Your friends?That’s fine, but A needs to step up.

Ask for what you want; require him to participate in the relationship when the relationship needs it, not when it suits his work schedule.He needs to know these things so that he can work on them, but again, you’ve trained him how to treat you (tm Dr. Phil), and now you will have to retrain him on that point.He acts the way he does because he has learned that not making you important doesn’t carry a penalty.

He’s having a hard time; I sympathize.Taking it out on you, after a year?No.This Saturday, instead of going out with friends, lay it out for him: you’re done being spoken to like a pest and made to feel like crap.You won’t call him at work anymore if that helps him out any, but in exchange, during the 10 minutes a day when he’s not at work, he puts you ahead of the gym a few times a week and treats you like a trusted, valuable human being.Period.

Hi Sars,

First off, I love your site.Longtime reader, first-time Vine question-asker.

When you started your DonorsChoose.org contest this year, I posted a link to it on my FB page.I got the following comment from a friend who is a teacher:

“Uhh, I’ve submitted projects to Donors Choose before. And while they were funded, they make the teachers jump through hoops of fire backwards before and after the projects are completed.”

Not really the response I was hoping for, but okay.I was a little irritated with her comment because anyone who isn’t familiar with your contest or DonorsChoose.org could read her comment and automatically have a negative reaction towards the whole thing.I commented back that I have received thank-you letters from the teachers and pictures of students participating in whatever activity I’ve donated to (I have to say, those pictures warm even my cold, dead heart), so I guess some teachers are happy with the results.

I thought that would be the end of it, but then she sent me a long letter as to why she felt this way.(I’ve provided the letter in its entirety below.You may print it or not as you see fit.)Her response made me feel almost bad that I’ve donated to DonorsChoose.org, which then irritated me even more because I don’t think that donating to them is a bad thing.

First, was it kind of a dick move for her to post her original comment on my FB page?I would have preferred that she email me directly so that other people couldn’t see her comment and not be left with a somewhat bad impression of the whole thing (assuming that they didn’t click on the link and read about how truly awesome this contest is).

Second, am I justified in being a bit annoyed with her for bad-mouthing an organization that I’ve chosen to support?She wasn’t totally bitchy about it or anything.She says that she has donated in the past and that I should still donate now.However, if that’s the case, then why is she telling me all this negative stuff?I’m not planning on discussing this with her further because I can’t really argue with her.I just want to know if I’m making too much out of this.

Still Gave To Projects And Am Happy About It

Dear Happy,

I won’t reprint your friend’s letter, because I don’t have her permission, but I’ll review her primary complaints for the readers:

1. Several teachers got projects sent back by DC for wording changes, which discourages teachers from trying.

2. Teachers may want a specific product, or a specific printing of a book, but because DC allows only particular vendors to be used, teachers don’t always get exactly what they’d had in mind.

3. DC gives “VERY specific guidelines” about the thank-you letters from the teachers and kids, which your friend finds insulting, and which more advanced students find “constraining.”

4. DC sent her emails regarding her colleagues who owe them materials.

And then she closes with a somewhat sniffy paragraph that includes this: “All those teachers who are willing to jump through their hoops certainly do deserve the money, and there are kids who benefit too.”

Well, it’s nice of her acknowledge that the entire point of the thing may be worthwhile.Jesus.

I think your friend might have an entitlement problem, but as far as whether it’s a dick move to post that on your FB page?Tough call.She certainly comes off like a dick, starting the comment with “Uhh,” which is dismissive right off the bat, and then acting like expending any effort to get these resources is offensive to her — but that’s on her, and I think you handled it well.You disagreed, you pointed out some positives, and you decided to let that be the end of it.Deleting her comment would have caused more problems than it solved, and not everyone has to think DC is awesome.

So, that’s the question you actually asked.As to her complaints…you know, it does sound like some work to get a project up.Some.In exchange, teachers get critical resources paid for, and they themselves do not have to pay for it.I feel like it’s a fair trade.I also feel like Donors Choose probably knows, since they do this and only this all day, which project submissions get more attention and funding, and submitting to an edit is not an insult to a teacher’s abilities; it’s supposed to help them succeed in their goals. I can tell you firsthand that I won’t add a project to the TN page that has flagrant spelling errors in the title or the first paragraph.The project is probably perfectly worthy, but if you don’t run a spell-check on it before asking me to ask my readers for a thousand bucks to pay for whatever it is?I mean, it takes five seconds.If you really don’t want to make any effort, that’s fine, but you can’t expect miracles in return.

Yes, the thank-you notes sometimes seem copied from a script.So what?The thank-you notes I wrote my own relatives as a kid couldn’t have sounded more stilted if they’d been written on an actual pair of stilts.Your friend’s problem is more with the script provided for teachers, but it’s supposed to save the teachers time, I think, and isn’t really a reason to get angry.

As for the last thing, it’s like she’s looking for reasons to get pissy.Just forward the fucking email to your colleague and get on with your day, good grief.

DC does not do everything perfectly.They will be the first to say so.Nor is it necessary for teachers who post projects to kiss DC’s ass.But your friend is acting like they’re asking her for money, which whatever.

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