The Vine: October 15, 2008
Hi Sars,
This one is short and sweet. What do you think of housewarming registries? Useful or tacky? I’d never heard of them until recently, when I saw someone announce on their blog that they were changing apartments with a link to their Target registry (which actually has a Housewarming category), and I have to say, I thought it was a little tacky.
I’m asking, though, because my husband and I are about to buy a house. Once we’re settled in, we’d like to have a casual open house for friends and family to come check it out and then hang out in the back yard (we’ll have a back yard!) and eat burgers (and a back yard grill!), but we haven’t been calling it a housewarming party, as we didn’t really expect anybody to even think of getting us gifts. Until recently, that sort of thing just hasn’t been all that common in my little corner of the country, where it’s generally seen as something for city folks and those crazy liberals on [pick a coast].
But, totally unsolicited, a few people have mentioned getting us housewarming gifts and asking me what we need. There are actually quite a few things that we could use that we didn’t get for our wedding two years ago — every day I think of some new thing we’ll need to get because OMG a HOUSE! That we’re responsible for maintaining and fixing! It’s kind of a frightening prospect, really, and it would be a big comfort to know that our near and dear have our backs.
So much for this being short. Anyway, what say you and/or your readers? Should I put together a housewarming registry, or is it tacky? And if I should, then how do I tell people without feeling tacky about it?
Thanks,
Wedding-Gift Etiquette Was Hard Enough To Suss Out
Dear Suss,
I feel about them roughly the same way I feel about wedding registries — it’s fine to have the registry, and to direct people to it if they ask, but if they don’t ask, it’s tacky to include the information anywhere in the invitation.
It seems like people in your life want to buy you things for your new place, and having a registry set up will make it easier on them and you; you can probably even write a little sub-header into it that says “thanks so much for thinking of us, but a visit from you is all our new house REALLY needs” — just so it’s clear that you don’t expect gifts.But if people have inquired, why not make a list so you get things you need?
But again, don’t put it on the invitation; if your guests would like to bring a gift, they will follow up with you.
You can also just call the open house an open house, which I think has fewer implications of the guests helping you to feather your nest than if you call it a housewarming.Either way, building a registry is not in and of itself tacky; mentioning it unprompted is.
Hey Sars,
So, I recently got out of a wretchedly, horribly bad relationship. Calling it “abusive” is being kind — every kind of abuse you can imagine was going on. It lasted a little under a year, and I’m glad to say that I was able to truck it out of there without even having to get a restraining order (though, believe me, in case this person tries to contact me ever again, I have my finger on the button).
My friends are glad to have me back (and are horrified by some of the sketchier details of my ex), and I’ve instituted a sort of moratorium on dating (in general) and conversation (with crazy people). I’m getting back into the routine of life, and getting back into the things I like (both of which I was prevented from doing in this relationship).
I guess my question is…what now? This wasn’t my first controlling relationship, but it’s the first that was clearly, underlined, bold, and italicized ABUSIVE. I’m relatively strapped for money and I don’t have the kind of insurance that will cover a therapist.
The last detail to this is what basically shuts down all my Google searches on the matter: I’m a guy. I was in an abusive relationship with a woman. I’m bi, so I wouldn’t be terribly uncomfortable in a gay space, but either playing the pronoun game or explaining that yes, I was dating a woman are things that I’d have to think about beforehand.
I’m imagining that the average support group is going to be mostly women, particularly mostly women who were in relationships with men and who may well have some (very understandable) issues with a guy coming into their space.
Thanks in advance,
Man, Table for One.
Dear Table,
You’ve gotten yourself out of there, and you’ve taken steps to get right with yourself for a while and track back to center, so — good start.You’ve done the hardest and most important parts, but now I think you want to investigate what led you into the abusive situation in the first place, and how to avoid going there again, which is great, but as you said, it’s a relatively atypical situation, at least in terms of finding institutional support.
But I feel like Googling must turn something up — some sort of online space for men who have survived abuse in heterosexual relationships (which, regardless of your sexual preferences, this one was, and I don’t think you want to have to worry about changing your pronouns all the time), or a nearby group-therapy situation you might look into.It’s rare, but it’s not unheard of; try searching again with various strings of words, and see if you can’t find an online space where you can do some reading and talk things out.
Also investigate low-cost counseling options; many therapists will work for an adjusted fee, and it’s not a permanent investment — you can take a few sessions, and see how things go.Even if you had a more “common” problem, you still want to look at what you as an individual have going on; everyone’s baggage isn’t packed the same way.
Keep researching, and see what you turn up; don’t get discouraged by the fact that it’s tough to find a community whose issues seem to fit yours.It’s still worth doing.
Hey Sars,
I’m in the process of going through my wardrobe for the first time in many years and deciding what I’m going to keep and what gets sent to Goodwill. The issue I keep coming up against is tight jeans.
I used to like wearing pretty tight jeans, but a year of wearing khakis for work made me rethink that position. Now I require my legs to have some breathing room. However, I have a bunch of pants that fall into the tight category for the first four or so hours of wear, but have settled into nice and comfy by the end of the day.
I’d like to keep these pants, since they do have it in them to be comfortably wearable, and I feel like buying bigger pants would just mean that those pants wound up too loose by the end of the day, but I hate the hassle of squeezing into them in the morning, and squatting usually doesn’t work that well. I already wash them cold AND hang them to dry.
Any other tips for how to either keep jeans from shrinking at all or stretching them a ton super quick?
Buying New Pants Is Expensive
Dear Pants,
I just wedged myself into a similar pair of cords earlier today — for them to have any shape at all after a couple of hours, I need to buy them tight, but that first 20 minutes is like wearing a vise.
Sometimes, with heavy non-stretch denim, you just have to wait it out and take shallow breaths, but I’ve had good luck with bending at the hips and knees and blow-drying my butt and legs for a minute or two.It’s not going to win me any dignity awards, but I…wasn’t really counting on those anyway, so who cares.
Other suggestions welcome, elegant or not.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette health and beauty rando
re: Pants –
I am so incredibly glad to know I am not the only one that wears jeans until they are visibly dirty. I thought it was my own, weird shameful secret. rejoice! Caloo callay!
re: Party of One –
I have to chime in on this. I’m beyond happy that you got yourself out of this. I have a very good friend who is not capable of removing himself from an incredibly abusive situation, and my heart breaks for him constantly. Thank you for reminding me that people can and do choose their own health. As to your question: abuse is abuse, and frell the pronouns. You deserve support just as much as any woman.
I too am a member of the Gross Club, I don’t wash my jwans unless they’re noticably dirty or my laundry load is light that week and I want to bulk it up. But since I have a job that requires nice-ish clothing I only wear jeans on the weekends these days so they don’t wear out as quickly. Plus I rotate between two pairs so that helps too.
“building a registry is not in and of itself tacky; mentioning it unprompted is.” – exactly my stance on the registry, perfectly phrased.
Ok, it appears I am too persnickety. I wash my jeans every time I wear them. I wear ’em fairly loose though, and I have a bubblebutt so that the diameter of the jeans is taken up in the rear, which sort of skews the jeans backward & I get very distinct wrinkles in a V in the front…after one wearing it’s like a big arrow, all “Hey! Look at this crotch right here!” I hate that!
Man, I think if I were in a support group for abused women & you turned up at a meeting I would welcome you as a guy who understands my situation, not reject you for having a penis. The issue isn’t gender, it’s abuse, as Bev N says. Folks usually have to try on more than one talk therapist, more than one support group, in order to find one that feels right, so you might try a women’s group & see if it’s as exclusionary as you expect. I’m so glad you’re out, and free, and seeking your joy. You’ll find it! Best of luck to you!
Table, I’m really happy for you that you’ve gotten out of that situation. I think it’s far more common than most people realize, and therapy, however you can get it, is absolutely a good idea. I know someone who’s in that situation right now, and I hate that he’s still at the stuck point. I have a pretty good idea how he got into it; he had an abusive mother, and he has recreated that relationship, which is the only one he knows between husbands and wives. It also puts him in a position where he is constantly struggling to earn the approval of his mother, still – even though she’s dead. It is a dreadful way to live, and no one should have to put up with it.
@Suss: congratulations, and may the three of you – you, your husband, and the house – be very happy together. Intellectually, since people are asking, it makes sense to either have a registry, or to say, “Oh, if you insist, a little gift card from Home Depot”, but my gut reaction is – you got married two years ago, and you got presents then, presumably from the same group of people to whom you are close enough to now invite over for a barbecue. I’m thinking they’ve contributed enough to your establishment – that was the whole idea behind the wedding gifts. THOSE were the assist to your start in life together; this really isn’t and shouldn’t be the chance to get what you didn’t get then. If you’re grown-up enough to buy a house, you’re grown-up enough to take care of it – repair and fill (and empty) as needed. Mind you, this is coming from someone who recently got a house herself – not because I’m particularly grown-up, but because it was that or live under a bridge. Those were my two choices. The house needs work, and even though I don’t have a second income to help, it still never occurred to me that it was or is anybody’s responsibility but mine to take care of it. It’s up to me to either fix it, or to find someone who can. Since it took most of what I had to get the house, there’s a lot that will wait a long, long time before it gets fixed or replaced. That’s just the way it is when you own a house.
@Pants – I’m with the “don’t wash so often” crowd. It IS better for the fabric, and it’s more economical. Heh. I’ll bet I have all y’all beat, too – it may be a year before my jeans get washed. No, NOT gross! – I only wear them for a couple of hours at a time, every two or three (or five) months. I got four pairs of jeans about four or six years ago, and it will probably be another six years or more before I have to replace them. For the ladies who are putting their jeans on damp to figure-fit them, I can only suggest that for comfort and health, you put some kind of liner or pad between you and the damp fabric until it dries, because otherwise that’s just begging for a yeast infection. It’s why you don’t want to hang out in damp gym wear all day – risk of infection. It’s no different with damp jeans.
I am so happy everyone does this with pants, especially jeans. Thanks to you guys I have my new motto:
I haven’t washed my jeans in 3 weeks and I’m not disgusting I’m just SAVING THE ENVIRONMENT.
Pants –
I agree with the person who mentioned misting the jeans and then doing some deep knee bends/squats. I usually only have to do this the first time I wear them after washing them, but sometimes it helps on “fat days” too. It does kind of suck on cold mornings, but they warm up pretty quickly.
I’m right with Molly and Bossyboots. I’m ashamed to admit I didn’t think a “housewarming registry” was an actual thing. and I don’t think it should be. Buying a house is great, but it’s not an excuse or a reason to suddenly upgrade your kitchen stuff and linens on someone else’s dime. And if the big-ticket items like lawnmower, etc. are a concern, those should be factored into the overall expense of home buying at the outset, right alongside mortgage, utilities, property taxes, etc. If close family/friends are really keen on warming your house, they’ll ask you what you need. Having yet another “gift me!” event on the heels of showers, weddings, babies, etc. is the last thing anyone wants or needs to be a part of. Exception: I am def. sensitive to single friends who haven’t reaped those benefits, and always try to do something special for them when they move.
“Buying a house is great, but it’s not an excuse or a reason to suddenly upgrade your kitchen stuff and linens on someone else’s dime.”
I’m seeing some responses here along that line that really aren’t responding to anything in the original letter. People asked unsolicited whether they needed anything; it hadn’t occurred to the letter-writer to start one until that point, and if she’s using it primarily to keep organized, what’s the harm? If you don’t agree with the idea, don’t start one, or bring a bottle of booze instead.
I understand generalized resentment at the number of occasions which have morphed into compulsory spending, but let’s not assign mercenary motives to the author that aren’t there.
My thing with the housewarming registry is that…while I do understand that this came up in your mind only because people asked, and that, as Sarah said, you have no bad motives, I also think…housewarming gifts are meant to be much smaller that wedding gifts, I think, so it concerns me that you want to fill out your housewarming registry with things you didn’t get for your wedding. The risk you run, I think, is somebody saying, “Hey, did you need anything?”, thinking you’re going to say “a cutting board,” and then you hand them off to the registry and they see that you’ve signed up for substantially bigger gifts than they were thinking.
My caution would be if you’re going to set up a housewarming registry, it should NOT look like a wedding registry. In my experience, housewarming gifts are…not necessarily tokens, exactly, but they are small gifts. It is a nice-thought event, not a transfer-of-wealth event, do you know what I mean?
As Sarah said, I ascribe no evil motives, but when you’ve just shown people a Things I Want list two years ago, you have to be reeeeeally careful with another Things I Want list two years later. If you make one, I’d keep it to really modest gifts. The Target placemats, not the toaster oven.
I stopped weraing jeans for a few years, because I put on a lot of weight and I’m just kind of strangely shaped as far as finding a good fit goes. Then Lane Bryant brought out their “right fit” jeans (with stretch) and they are so comfortable. There are three styles (labeled yellow, red, blue) depending on the difference (in inches) between your hips and waist. My jeans no longer gape at the back when I sit down! They also now have right fit dress pants, as well. I would recommend them: http://tinyurl.com/6kzp2n
Hey all, thanks for the feedback on the housewarming registry. Just to be clear: it never even crossed my mind that it’s anyone else’s RESPONSIBILITY to feather my nest. And I would never put big ticket items on such a list–I didn’t even do that with my wedding registry. I just wondered about the social acceptability of using it to make things easier for people who already expressed their intentions to gift us and asked what sort of things we need or would like to have. I’m not exactly sure how that connotes expecting our family and friends to pony up and stock our tool shed, or what have you, or that we’re too poorly off to take care of it ourselves; but at any rate, I appreciate everyone’s opinion. I was already less than comfortable with the idea, and you’ve definitely helped me make up my mind. If anyone presses the matter, I’ll just point out that I wouldn’t turn my nose up at gift cards or free booze.
On another note, I usually wear my jeans several times before washing them, too. In fact, if something smells okay and doesn’t have any stains, it usually gets hung back in the closet after a wearing.
Thanks, Sars.
@ Suss: I’m with Sars. Create a list with your husband, and only let people know about it if they directly ask.
My husband and I made a list of home improvement projects when we bought our first house. And, seeing how our 50’s house was remodeled with lime green and pepto flavored walls . . . that list was a little daunting. We had close family members ask us what they could do as housewarming gifts, which floored us, since this was about a year and a half after we got married. It was completely unnecessary, but touchingly generous of them. With our list, we could easily share our priorities, and they felt like they were really making a difference for us. We did invite friends over, stating that gifts weren’t necessary. I was not shy about asking them for referrals or advice, though. It’s free for them, and maybe the name of a primo electrician is just what I need to add into my electronic rolodex.
But I’d like to encourage you to continue that list of home improvement projects beyond your initial move in. Maintaining that list together helps set goals and make financial plans as a couple. My husband & I were just revising our list last night, and we’ve lived in the place for over 4 years. (Fix the part of the roof that the tree landed on, then get a new fridge, and then either fix the fireplace or build decking . . .) We may ask for Depot cards for Christmas to put towards a fridge or decking, so the list is valuable in that arena, too.
You’re right– owning a home is daunting and it will continue to challenge you in unusual ways! When we bought our house, a friend recommended we withdraw a thousand dollars in ones and begin staple-gunning them to the outside of the house. When I asked if that was a fancy kind of weather stripping, he replied that it was just to get us accustomed to throwing money at the sucker.
Re: Jeans
The WEIRDEST Loosening Technique EVER
My boss has a technique for jeans-loosening that I have never ever heard of anywhere else. She puts on the jeans then proceeds to stuff balled-up socks down her pants, around her waistband, etc. She’ll sometimes have as many as 20-30 pairs of socks stuffed down there. She leaves them there as she gets herself ready in the morning. She confessed that there was once an embarrassing moment when a housemate walked in and saw her with lumps protruding out all over her legs and tummy area. She swears it works wonders.
Table for One, contact your local YWCA. Yes, it’s “Young Women’s blah blah” but they might still have some ideas for you at the very least. Just explain the situation and say that you’re just asking for advice from them because you don’t know where to start.
http://www.ywca.org/
Jean, for whatever comfort you might take, at least you didn’t get a 1950s house “flipped” … mostly upside-down … by a brand-new lawyer and her professional chef-paintin’-hatin’ husband. They “improved” the house by knocking down the masonry wall… then knocking a big hole in the drywall (this was to drag in the couch they left behind)… installing a bathroom mirror that didn’t quite fit the hole they cut for it, under which was the new sink/cabinet that turned out not to actually be secured to the wall, but at least the hot water can be turned off underneath, since the tap itself runs freely … Pity they didn’t caulk the tub’s plumbing … or scrub the mold out … or fix the hole in the washer line … or the crack in the basement wall …. or paint all the way up to the ceilings …
That doesn’t even begin to cover it, really. I’ll be living with some o’ those up-to-date, fetching, Harvest Gold appliances for a long, long time. I expect I still won’t be unpacked by the time you’re barbecuing burgers and watering your new houseplants. The nice thing for you is, since your friends and family were asking what you might like (without prompting), they will at the least be giving you moral support while you face your new challenges; they might even be up to painting parties for a room or two. And I understand that Home Depot offers classes for a lot of the do-it-yourself needs, so you don’t have to tackle anything without instruction, unless you actually like that kind of challenge!
RE: housewarming present.
I guess I’m weird, because while I wouldn’t ask what I could bring (as in, what was needed) for a housewarming-or in other words, an invite to a new house, or yes, apartment (even a rental), I would want to bring something beyond the typical flowers or bottle of wine. Nothing too expensive, but nothing too neccessary either. Something that the hosts would love: I’m thinking along the lines of vase, bowl, pretty clock, here. These could be wedding presents too, but wedding presents tend to fall along more practical lines; for a new home, I’d want to get something that would make the house seem more…homey. But then, I love to buy presents.
‘I understand generalized resentment at the number of occasions which have morphed into compulsory spending, but let’s not assign mercenary motives to the author that aren’t there.’
Yeah, sorry to the registry-or-not lady. My brain went into, ‘more presents to buy’ mode, too- not necessarily directed at you, but just bitterness that everything I do or everywhere I go seems to require a tip and/or a gift anymore. Not your fault for asking a question wondering how to react when others bring up that they want to give you stuff, though. So my apologies. I’d say good call with the gift cards/bottle of booze dealio.
Jeans- I’m with the folks that say less washing = good stuff and wanted to toss out there that a good way to tell if they jeans are at the stage where they do need a washing is to hit them in, uh, key positions, with a warm iron. Sometimes when you put clothes on they smell ok, but as they heat up some, well, smell blossoms. Sometimes it’s just that they smell stale, but if you’re worried it’s a possibility, that’s a quick test.
I always thought that the only proper answer to “what do you want (for a housecoming)” was a plant, bottle of wine, or a candle.
I agree that the original letter doesn’t seem to be grasping for gifts, but I am sick of hearing someone say they think something is tacky, but then think it is convenient for themselves- which is exactly how everyone ends up with a wedding registry and the idea that they should get real gifts for a housewarming and not token gifts.
“housewarming”
A “housecoming” is……..a popularity contest for houses?
On the registry issue, please don’t open a registry. Even if I asked someone unprompted if there were anything I could do to help , I would be appalled if the answer were “sure, here’s where I’m registered!”
You know how weddings are events where gifts technically aren’t but kind of are expected and that’s why registries (though not on the invite) are now accepted facts? Registries for other events are there to make people think that they are obligated to buy presents for those other events, and that they should spread the word about the registries for those events.
One thing you might want to ask people about, though, is advice for home-ownership. Products? Painters? Plumbers? Recommendations you can have on file for reliable people that other people have tracked out and sorted through.
I’m with MM – the local university by me offers very, very inexpensive counseling on an income-adjusted basis. They also offer dental care, vision, etc. A wonderful resource for everyone in this economy.
Oh, and BTW, not washing clothes after wearing? Ewww.
@La BellaDonna – I feel ya. We’re not that bad off, but we ended up in a flipped early 70s house. The flippers didn’t do a bad job, but we’re finding a lot of places where they took shortcuts, too. First lesson we learned: no matter how thoroughly you inspect a house before you buy, things will break and problems will reveal themselves only after you move in.
And at the rate we’re fixing things and getting unpacked, it’s likely to be spring before we have our cookout. Boo.
For the record, again: plants, place mats, vases, etc. are exactly the kinds of things I was thinking of. Those are the things that make a house homey, but they’re also SO not at the top of our “must buy” list right now. Good thing I knit and sew.
Table: If you’d like further, objective evidence that you’re not alone in this, try this link to a study on female domestic violence: http://www.dahmw.info/characteristicsofcallers.pdf. At the very least, you could look up the number for the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men, call them, and ask them what resources are out there.
Good luck, and congratulations for making it out.
I LOVE registries, because I love buying people gifts, and if there’s a registry I know that they really want the items on it. It helps me see colors and styles they like, too, so that if I see something delightful or bigger but on a really good sale that’s not on the registry I know it will suit them. If I ask someone what kind of present they would like, I want a few suggestions, not a polite brush off. So the “gift card or free booze” reply is perfect.
I don’t feel OBLIGATED to give gifts, I enjoy it. Since my means are modest, it’s a modest gift unless I find a killer deal. I’m usually sneaky about gifts though. I just make observations or bring things up in every day conversation about the new spouse/house/baby and then remember what my loved ones say. I let it percolate, then when I’m shopping for other things I can often find a great present.
One year early in our marriage, I bought my adorable MIL Ruth a silky/angora sweater for Christmas, remembering a story she had told me. She always wanted one in high school, but her parents were too poor and also modest in dress to get her one. She was completely mystified at how I knew she would love that particular kind of sweater, she’d completely forgotten the conversation. And this year she called me instead of Ed to thank me for the Mother’s day presents we sent because she KNEW Ed had not observed some inexpensive but convenient and fun kitchen tools she was lacking. She is so FUN!
So I for one don’t think registries are tacky, but useful to people like me who like to buy gifts for any occasion. :)
Also, I wear my jeans until they actually need to be washed, usually about a week barring spills. Shirts too, especially in winter when I never sweat at all. Lighter pants, skirts and shorts I usually wear once or twice then wash. I’m discovering the wonderful world of belts. I’ve lost forty pounds unintentionally, and I don’t have money for all new pants! The ones without belt loops I literally have to safety pin on. Places like goodwill never have pants in my size, so I have to buy new ones. I’m investing in all-beltlooped pants for now.