The Vine: October 21, 2009
Sarah:
I’ve just been referred to you for help.
Can you please help me identify the Woody Allen film in which a particular scene appears? Here goes. In an attempt to become/seem less Jewish, Woody throws bologna and a loaf of white bread into his cart while touring a supermarket. Many thanks. The scene and my inability to place it have been haunting me for about a week now.
Thanks again.
Marion
Dear Marion,
Do you mean the scene in Annie Hall where he’s horrified when Annie orders a corned beef on white with mayo and pickle?Googling didn’t turn up anything else.
Readers?
Dear Sars:
I’ve been scratching my head most of the day about something I completely didn’t expect to happen.About three weeks ago, I got an invitation in the mail to C’s wedding.C was a friend during high school, we’ve known each other socially for over fifteen years and briefly dated for a small period, but haven’t really kept in touch at all for the last six years or so.
She’s getting married to J, who I don’t know at all, but by all accounts is a really great guy and they’re head-over-heels for each other.I was happy for them and pleasantly surprised to get the wedding invite, so I RSVP’d that I would be coming.
Fast forward to this morning.C calls me up, horribly embarrassed.It turns out that she mistakenly put my name on the envelope when she meant to put my father’s name (his name is a shortened version of mine, though they couldn’t really be mistaken for each other) and the invitation was meant for him.Our fathers are quite close friends, so it would make more sense that he would get an invitation over me.Because I recently moved out of my dad’s house and am having my mail forwarded, the invitation got sent to my new address and I didn’t think anything of it.My dad and I aren’t close at all and don’t talk much, so I didn’t bring the invitation up to him at all.
C was extremely apologetic, but told me that she’d already called dad and told him of the mix-up.He confirmed that he would be attending and since the venue was so small, there wasn’t enough room at me for the reception.I was a bit taken aback at getting un-invited, but assumed it was the bride’s prerogative and told her it was fine and not to worry about it.
Now that I’ve had a few hours to think about it, the whole situation makes me feel rather odd.I’d already bought a gift for C and J off their registry (it wasn’t cheap, either, and I’m going to grad school, so money is tight) and arranged to have the day off for their wedding.The wedding is two weeks from tomorrow and I’m almost as surprised at the short notice as I am by the un-invite.
I guess my question to you is two-fold: first, was C out of line by telling me not to come, and second, should I send the gift anyway?I threw away the receipt, but could probably get store credit if I were to return it.Thanks for any help you can give, because I’m not sure what the etiquette would be on a situation like this.
There’s four letters’ difference, woman
Dear Four,
Yes, I think she was.I understand that a wedding can get expensive, I understand that couples want to stick closely to the agreed-upon guest list, I understand some venues can’t accommodate any overage — fine, whatever.But if you live in the world and you have any experience with weddings, even third-hand, you know you’ll have a few last-minute changes, a few roommates who mistakenly assumed the entire apartment got invited, and so on and so forth.Couples need to build at least a little elasticity into their numbers to allow for that…primarily to avoid awkwardness of this type.
And if it’s that important to them to stick to the guest list as written, no substitutions or exchanges, fine — then it’s probably just as important to check spelling on names, make sure invitations don’t go astray, and so on.C did not do this.Yeah, your father is really her own father’s guest, but she dated you; presumably she knows the difference in your names, and I think we can also presume that, if she has room in her catering budget to invite her parents’ friends, she has room for one more person she might not have expected.If she cared that much about the head count, she ought to have been more conscientious about the invitations.
It’s not all that horrible, I guess; it’s not as though you assumed a level of closeness that she then uncomfortably had to adjust for you.It’s tacky, though, and the gracious thing here, I think, is to just issue another invitation to your father and mention nothing to you about it.
Since she didn’t go that route, though, she can do without the frying pan you bought her.You could send the gift anyway, with a pointedly correct note wishing the couple happiness and saying it’s too bad you couldn’t celebrate with them now isn’t it oh my whose fault is that why what do you know it’s totally yours cough cough — but passive-aggressive behavior is bad enough when it doesn’t cost anything.You can’t really afford it, and she’s made it clear her wedding can’t really afford you.Return it.
What is an inexpensive, attractive, non-disposable wrapping-paper alternative? The holidays are coming and I’m anti-paper and meh on gift bags.
Not a throw-away nation
Dear Throw,
…Tupperware?A sock?Not to sound flip, but “inexpensive,” “attractive,” and “non-disposable” may not be able to co-exist given the customary function of wrapping paper.
Taking the second requirements first, you might go with vintage boxes; depending on the size of the gift, you could make part of the gift the wrapping, and tuck jewelry or gift cards into a pair of mittens, or a hat, with a fabric bow tied around it.How about baskets?Haunt flea markets and stoop sales for cheap ones; I’ve never passed a stoop sale in Brooklyn that isn’t selling some baskets or notional bowls for a buck each.You could also browse a fabric/notions store like Jo-Ann for inexpensive bolts of cloth; it’s definitely different, and if the recipient is crafty, that could make up part of the gift as well.You could use hand towels, aprons, or scarves, too (and a little creative folding and/or tying will save you some tape).
But those things cost money, and while some of them sound pretty rad and memorable, it’s the type of project that can seem nifty and fun at first, and then before you know it it’s December 12th and you feel like you have a second job.I made custom barrettes for my entire class one year, and it just turned into this Dickensian subplot, plus the end result…not cute.
I feel you on the gift bags, but they don’t cost much (you can probably get a great deal on plain Kraft bags somewhere like Uline.com), people do re-use them to death, and it saves time.Open bag, huck gift into bag, tie bag closed with festive doodad (or not), done.Up to you, though — if you’ve got some time and a plan, and you can price out other options attractively, go for it.Just don’t kill yourself on it to make a point.
Tags: etiquette popcult rando retail Woody Allen
I love the idea of getting gifts in reusable bags from stores that aren’t in my town. I’m hundreds of miles from the nearest Whole Foods, but would be thrilled if a gift came in one of these big cooler-type insulated bags they have — about $5, I think, but they’re very useful.
I would also love gifts to come in hatboxes.
Four Letters: I’d return the gift. If the girl thought it was appropriate to uninvite you, she probably doesn’t expect a gift …
Not reusable, but I used to use old issues of free Chinese language newspapers (usually the pages without pictures) with a ribbon and it generally looked rather festive.
Now I just go with my offspring’s daubings (which are on the newspaper headline posters our weekend paper gets delivered on, thus meaning it’s about the paper’s third use) because I have so many of the damn things and I feel mean just throwing them out.
I’m with MsMolly and Faith on the whole wedding thing. And I don’t think that the bride was particularly thoughtless or crass – she rang and explained the situation and apologised. What else could she have done to correct and resolve the situation?
Okay, Four, the bride AND HER FAMILY have been close to yours for over a DECADE. You DATED the bride. Your Dad’s WORKING ON HER WEDDING. His name and yours are not, in fact, the same. You went to her SISTER’S wedding.
Whatever’s going on, I’m gonna say she didn’t send you your invitation BY MISTAKE. You say you and your Dad don’t really talk.
You know what I think? I think you, yourself, were actually invited, on purpose. I think someone else kicked up a fuss, and put the bride in the position of UN-inviting you – which she then did.
Go return the gift for store credit. It would be one thing to go “eeehhh,” and send a gift to an old family friend who couldn’t invite you to her wedding because it was a small wedding, no room, whatever. It’s another thing ENTIRELY to send a gift to someone who’s made sure to DIS-invite you. Emphasis here on “dis,” because I think you got dissed, big time. You sound like someone for whom that extra seat should have been found, under the circumstances – you weren’t just someone’s And Guest who shouldn’t have been dragged along. (“Here, let me be unspeakably rude to my long-time family friend, about whom I once thought enough well enough to actually date. Because that’s just what you DO to old friends!”)
It does sound kind of odd, and as if you and your Dad don’t talk much (as you said); he doesn’t seem to have mentioned to you that he was WORKING ON THIS WEDDING [his gift for them], while you lived at his house (out of which you only recently moved). I mean, your DAD let HIS invitation get forwarded to you? Something’s amiss here, and not just the bride’s behaviour.
Get the store credit. If you’re not only not close enough to invite, but unimportant enought to specifically DIS-invite, no gift for this bride. Focus on grad school, and be really really happy that she isn’t YOUR bride.
@wheatjumper: Although not technically “non-disposable” I would agree with the comics idea. My mother hasn’t purchased wrapping paper since I was a teenager, and just saves up the Sunday comics every week. Then at Christmas she wraps everyone’s gift in them and does her best to recycle them. So it’s a reuse and a recycle which, in my opinion, is still better than buying new wrapping paper every year.
@Four Letters: The bride’s mistake here was twofold: not being conscientious enough to keep her invites straight and then being rude when she realized her mistake. In no way was it alright for her to un-invite you. Most brides have an “A” list and a “B” list, so that when the “no” rsvps start coming in they send invites to the “B” list. Upon realizing her mistake, she could have knocked someone off the “B” list. Also? All brides know that you can expect about 80% of your guests to show. She could have found a chair for you. Her behavior was very rude.
Another idea for Throw, similar to wrapping boxes like on soap operas (covered wrapped separately), I like to use photo storage boxes with a ribbon tied around them. They’re available in a lot of different patterns, look a lot more appealing than shoe boxes for permanent storage, and can be budget-friendly. You can find them at Big Lots or the drugstore, but look how cute these are: http://tinyurl.com/yla6tvm !
Ooh, love all the alternative wrapping ideas that have been listed! Someone mentioned re-using liquor boxes–awesome idea, but to avoid a pre-Christmas meltdown at the Post Office, please know that you cannot mail re-used liquor boxes. After some kvetching at the extremely patient postal clerk, he calmly handed me a roll of “Priority” tape and instructed me to mummify the entire box so no liquor label was visible. Don’t be me people!
not super cheap if you’re doing a ton of gifts, but lots of stores have super cute reusable bags that aren’t just adverts for their stores. I love Pier One’s:
http://www.pier1.com/Catalog/Gifts/tabid/501/List/0/CategoryID/119/level/a/ProductID/4273/ProductName/Damask-Reusable-Bags/Default.aspx
I couldn’t find on their website, but the ones I have from them are made out of a parachute-like material, fold up and snap into a holder so they fit into a purse like a deck of cards. So really, two gifts in one (assuming you fill the bag with a gift)!
Also, depending on where you are located, Christmas Tree shops (mostly in the Northeast) have all sorts of jars/tins in a huge range of sizes for small money that could stand in as gift wrap. These are also reusable, storing baked goods for re-gifting!
@Tori – my family is that way as well, my mother especially – she has boxes of saved wrapping paper, bows, tissue paper, etc. Last I checked (looking for some wrapping paper in a hurry) I noticed some baby shower paper in the bottom of the box that she must have gotten on gifts when I was born – I’m the youngest in my family and I’m in my mid-thirties!!
http://www.leevalley.com/wood/page.aspx?c=1&p=44948&cat=1,43326
These watchmaker cases are awesome for wrapping tiny gifts like handmade, flea-market, or costume jewelry that doesn’t come in its own nice box. Of course, I think the cases themselves are awesome gifts, but that may be my own obsession.
“It’s not actually that weird to assume that, when you get an invitation to a wedding, you are, in fact, invited. Nor is it weird to plan to attend said wedding, clear one’s schedule, and buy a gift. I was brought up with the rule that if you are invited, you attend, unless you can’t.”
Agreed. Especially since he said he’d attended the bride’s sister’s wedding – he’s clearly a family friend, not an acquaintance. And taking a day off is often required for weddings; they’re usually on Saturdays, and if you have to travel, you spend Friday doing it.
It would not occur to me to give a gift to someone who made a point of un-inviting me to something. I would have hung up the call and returned it that day. If she wasn’t planning on having you, she can’t have been planning on getting a gift from you (and if she is, she’s nuts). Take it back and feel good about it.
My dad’s favorite wrapping paper is aluminum foil. No tape required, just mold it to the gift. When the recipient is done opening the gift, throw it in the recycling bin.
For years, I save any nicely shaped/appropriate sized boxes. After xmas, I buy wrapping paper for the following year, as well as ribbons. Then at christmas, I wrap the boxes and their lids seperately, and hold the lid on by tying a ribbon… everyone ends up keeping the wrapped boxes, and re-using them the next year, so now our christmases are filled with beautifully wrapped gifts, and they are all re-used over and over. I’ve also used newspaper, and hand painted it.
Re: wrapping paper: not re-usable but you can use pictures from old calendars to wrap gifts in, or pages from old out-of date atlases, which are interesting and colorful.
Re: being disinvited by the bride – that is unspeakably rude and insulting. I would disinvite her from the rest of your life.
For wrapping paper, I think it’s really pretty (and definitely cheap) to cut up brown paper grocery bags. Cut them long-wise so you have a long flat piece of brown paper (the bottoms don’t work as well but they’re ok); you can iron it if you want to get REALLY fancy. You can stamp all over it with event-appropriate stamps, and tie it in real ribbon scraps you might have around, or raffia or whatever, to dress it up. Tuck in a couple of real pine twigs or mini pine cones (they’re all over the parks around here) and it’s actually very elegant.
“Especially since he said he’d attended the bride’s sister’s wedding – he’s clearly a family friend, not an acquaintance.”
To be fair, he clarified that in the comments. His letter led me to believe, at least, that he hadn’t been in touch with the bride in several years. His comment on that part of the letter helped me understand better what the relationship was.
Also, I assumed that Jonathan works in retail, or something, and that’s what he means by needing to take a day off from work to have attended, had he still been going. But the wedding was 2 weeks out from when the bride made her call to him. I’d hope he could’ve talked to his boss about the issue, and possibly gotten himself back on the schedule. It doesn’t seem all that big of a deal to me, but I’m not Jonathan, so I’m going to stop interpreting that part of the letter now. :)
FWIW, at least he called him. She might’ve been more of a bitch about it, and just Facebooked him, or emailed, or texted. But she didn’t. She effed up, and she admitted to it. Can’t she get some credit for that, at least? Planning a wedding is stressful, yo!
I still say he should return the gift. No reason to give a gift if you weren’t actually invited to the party. None at all.
re wrapping paper, I used to wrap gifts in pages from old issues of Interview magazine (& embellish with cloth ribbon), because they were big enough to wrap a smallish-to-med gift, and because the arty subject matter on the pages was pretty enough for gift paper. Oh, and the bride? RUDE.
She effed up, and she admitted to it. Can’t she get some credit for that, at least? Planning a wedding is stressful, yo!He’s agreed not to go, which is more credit than she’s due, imo. She’s due some shame.
Oh, and a suggestion for a fast and festive way to decorate paper or bags if they are a bit plain and lacking in colour (especially reused-recycled like b&w newsprint, old tissue paper, paper grocery bags, etc): tear or cut off the pictures from last year’s holiday cards, stick on wrapped gift or gift bag. Depending on size/colour, can also be cut up smaller and written on as gift tags. I save the fronts of my Christmas cards every year for this purpose. Birthday cards would probably also work for bday gifts.
Oh, and I possibly just had a BRILLIANT wrapping paper idea!!
You know how most Moms and/or Dads wind up with a HOUSELOAD of Tiny Child Art from, well, tiny children, over the years? And many of them have crippling guilt over throwing it out, but don’t want to keep it ALL, either? How about reusing the Child Art Not Selected For Permanent Archiving as wrapping paper! That way, it’s not thrown out, the tiny children are actually a part of the Christmas preparations, not just the recipients of all the prep, AND if the recipients so choose, they can keep the artwork … or not.
Re. wrapping. Another thing I do a lot is use old road maps. I always pick one up at the tourist information center when I cross the state line. Every few Christamases, I clear out the glove compartment. With new construction, etc., the maps have a shelf life. And really, what are the odds I’m going to be in North Dakota again?
I’m a little late to the party so I don’t know if these have already been suggested for Throw, but I just came across these Baggu things in Real Simple that might fit the bill: http:www.baggubag.com
I don’t know how Throw qualifies “inexpensive,” but they start at $6.
PS – RS says to search “wrap with baggu” on Youtube to find giftwrap instructions. A quick search turned this up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjJ2rp63RGE
(I swear I don’t work for them. I just think they’re cute.)
I use handmade fabric bags which are easy & cheap because I get the fabric from home-decor places like interior decorating studios (my mom works at one) or home improvement places. When a fabric manufacturer discontinues its fabrics and introduces new patterns, they send the decorators a new “fabric book” for customers to flip through. I get the OLD fabric books, disassemble them and make gift bags from the fabric samples!
Most fabric books are ring binders so the fabric samples already have big metal grommets at the top. I fold the sample in half so the grommets are at the top (right side in) and straight stitch 2 sides closed & turn it. Then I thread ribbon through the grommets at the top to tie closed when it’s full. I don’t even have to get out the scissors.
With neutral-colored thread and a book of fabric samples (and a sewing machine), I can make one in about 90 seconds for less than 30 cents. The fabrics are usually beautiful (hello, Waverly!) and gift recipients are impressed. I keep my mouth shut about how easy they are!
One Christmas my aunt bought a roll of brown paper and make Christmas-shapes with glitter. I’ve also done the brown paper with red and green raffia and some plastic red and/or gold berries. Little bells would look cute too. All can be bought in bulk at Michaels.
http://www.chicobag.com
The red and green ones look really festive at holidays and the Vita style is an awesomely large grocery bag. Plus, they fold up so cute and small they are easy to store.
is Hannah and Her Sisters.
@Tori: Were we separated at birth? My parents hoard and reuse wrapping paper until it disintegrates. We’re big reusers of boxes too … there’s a box labeled “Electronic Wasp Trap” that’s been circulating in our family for two decades. It’s just not Christmas until we found out who got the wasp trap box this year. (Somehow that box is the perfect size for any gift.)
I like the idea of the wrapping being another small present. I’ve used Whole Foods bags too, and for baby showers, I always wrap the gift in a receiving blanket. Hatboxes are a great idea. I’d love to get a present in a hatbox!
@Four, I will assume, charitably, that C’s behavior in this situation is a matter of airheadedness rather than rudeness, but the practical point, if we take her on her own terms, is that…you weren’t supposed to come. And if she didn’t intend to invite you, she didn’t expect a gift from you. Ergo: return the gift, and if it’s too late to get back on the work schedule, spend the day doing something you enjoy. Any noises she makes about you returning the gift are her own damn problem.
@Throw, it partly depends on the composition of the gift; size, shape, texture, material. Will all these gifts be in their own boxes, and you’re just looking for something pretty to put around the boxes? Or are you looking for suggestions for the containers, too? I like the idea of thrift-store scarves, but if the gift is large, they might not do the job. Sewing craft-store fabrics into drawstring bags could also work for relatively small stuff, but again: how big a gift are we talking about, here?
@Tori: Your family sounds like a slightly-more-obsessive version of mine! :D We’ve always got a “bow box” sitting in the room as presents are unwrapped, and yes, sometimes there are six layers of old Scotch tape on them. Boxes are stored throughout the year and the ones that seem to work best get reused year after year. I was raised to Never Trust The Box, but I find it funny how many people who weren’t raised that way seriously try to figure out why I’ve given them a harlequin doll (or something equally odd). My grandmother’s favorite boxes are old yarn boxes… checks fit perfectly and that way it’s still a box and not just a card.
I have to echo the comment about bags being appropriate for the person, though, because otherwise it will still get thrown out. I like a lot of the suggestions here, though. :) I think I may try to incorporate some of them this year.
The cheapest wrapping paper is to not use paper at all. Just hand the person the item and say “here, I got this for you”.
Failing that, go the other way. Get a really nice PERMANENT box, and ask to have it back. There’s no reason why “look pretty” and “don’t create trash” cannot coexist.
@Faith–the problem is that the phone call is where she effed up, and she hasn’t admitted to it. So no, she gets no credit for solving her problem by being extremely impolite to somebody else.
On the subject of reusable bags (which DO make great gift bags), if you aren’t familiar with it, http://www.envirosax.com is amazing. The bags fold up into themselves and hold together with a little snap. They are only $8.50, and they have dozens of patterns. I keep mine in my messenger bag, and it’s great for groceries, or if I unexpectedly need to take supplies from somewhere to somewhere else. They hold 44 lbs – I can usually get over half of a week’s groceries into mine.
AND, they have 5-bag sets (less than $40) that go into their own tiny pouch, so you can bring all your bags to the store for shopping day.
I do not work for this company, I just heart the product.
I’m guessing you already use canvas grocery bags and such, but if you do have any plain, brown paper shopping bags (inside out out works as well), they can be great for wrapping particularly large items. I actually kind of like them plain in a “brown paper packages tied up with string” sort of way, but they’re also fun to decorate, which puts a little bit of you into the project as well.
You can also take gift boxes and wrap the top and bottom separately with paper, and then just place items within and re-use the pre-wrapped boxes again and again.
For my friend’s wedding shower, her S-i-L gave her gifts in a Rubbermaid storage box, so I gave her her wedding gift in a big Rubbermaid storage bin. I wouldn’t do it for every gift I give, but I may do it for weddings in the future.
I think the Woody Allen film is Hannah and Her Sisters. Woody Allen goes through some sort of religious crisis and seeks out all kinds of religions. He comes home with the bologna and the white bread and throws it on his table along with a cross. I think this is during his I’m-going-to-try-to-be-a-Christian period.
I’m also recently married and I agree that it sounds like Four was initially invited, and then someone decided that was unacceptable. Maybe not, but either way, I would have been incredibly hurt and angry if I received that call. I’m surprised so many people don’t think it’s that bad. Accommodations can be tight, sure, but it’s still one of the rudest things I’ve ever heard. If you realize you invited someone by accident, I think the appropriate thing is to find an extra seat because it’s your bad. Especially since you RSVP’d. ESPECIALLY because they actually KNOW you, unlike half of the people who will attend as plus ones. In fact, this woman would probably feel incredibly awkward and guilty receiving a gift from you because–what would she write on the thank you card? She’d deserve it, but I think you should try to return it.