The Vine: October 26, 2011
I am hoping you can give me perspective. The background is I am happily married for two years to one of the best men I know. He recently started a job out of town, so we are only able to see each other for about two days out of the week. During the rest of the week, we text or call a lot but I do miss a male presence around me.
Since he is out of town most of the time, I go to friends’ events which includes spending time with friends alone. The issue is during the week when my husband is not around, I will have very sexually charged fantasies about some of these friends, mainly the single-male friends but not always. I see fantasies to be a fun romp of the imagination, totally separate from reality and a natural part of sexuality. There have never been any suspicions or allegations of cheating between my husband and me nor any type of impropriety between these friends and me.
I can’t explain why my mind drifts into this area, but my best guesses would be 1) mental laziness from trying to create vivid scenarios from scratch; 2) a security or trust to think about these people in these ways; or 3) I am totally naive and having these fantasies is going to get me in trouble. There is never an intention to act on these fantasies nor actual romantic feelings towards these friends, only aimless, mental wanderings and almost like watching a self-starring porn. I am not sure why I prefer to fantasize about friends rather than my husband, but I think it’s just more exciting and different from actual life.
Am I playing with fire by allowing myself this indulgence? If not, at what point would it become a problem? Thank you!
Sincerely,
Dreams are for hearts, and fantasies are for loins
Dear Dreams,
No. This is normal. This is, mind you, not something I would mention to my husband if I were you, but developing crushes on male friends, or on his male friends, or picturing them while you…give yourself a hand? Happens all the time. Almost always passes.
I think it becomes a problem if you start to feel about one of these guys the way you would feel about a boyfriend, or to treat someone who isn’t your husband like a husband surrogate. Do you primp a little extra to go down to the corner for a casual pint with one of these dudes? If shit blows up at work, do you text one of them first, instead of your husband? The first-call gut-check is useful in assessing all sorts of relationships and where they stand, both with you and in relation to each other — if you fall down at 2 AM on a Monday night and break your wrist, who gets the first call? Because if it’s not your husband, then I think you have a problem, and even if “but Guy X lives closer and there’s nothing Hub could do anyway and”: yeeahhhh…no. Your husband doesn’t need to know every little thing you do or think about, and it’s fine to have close friendships and private jokes in the between times, obviously. But if he’s not your first call, or if you have to think about it, that would indicate an issue.
It’s conscientious of you to worry about it, but at this point, it doesn’t sound to me like you need to, really. Just remain aware of what the actual friendships with these guys are doing, and how you’re feeling when you spend time with them — and if it starts to feel strange or inappropriate, you don’t need anyone’s permission to cut down on face time or only see certain guys in a group setting.
Tags: boys (and girls)
Nicely said. When I was a teenager I used to worry about sexual fantasies (“I had a dream about a guy being a little rough and I liked it, OH MY GOD I’M SOME KIND OF MASOCHIST WHO WANTS TO BE RAPED”, etc.) but as I’ve gotten older I’ve come to think that if you can keep clear boundaries in your “real” life, anything goes in your fantasies.
If your fantasy is genuinely not hurting anyone (including yourself and your relationships) then I think Dreams is right about it being harmless. It’s one part of your existence that’s completely your own.
Yeah, I think it’s just that: fantasies are for what ISN’T happening in your life. That’s why mine star celebs or what have you. Other people may have spouses in starring roles but in really far-fetched scenarios or whatever (escaping pirates, husband/wife spy team, whatever)so just coming up with that “last fifteen minutes before I fall asleep” mini-movie is just that–a mental movie.
I would do regular check-ins, though, if this work situation is likely to be prolonged: the problem with a long distance type relationship is that you understandably binge on each others presence, everything’s heightened, you don’t want to spend your together time grocery shopping etc. But then that real life stuff tends to flow around your little relationship island, and a freind might come along in a little boat, and suddenly that person is kind of filling the mundane slot, and then you have to do that “first call” checklist.
I think you’re fine, Dreams. I’m also working in a different city from my husband and I only see him about once every two weeks. Long distance is hard and has some strange side effects. Without giving everyone TMI, I’ll say that fantasizing about my husband when we’re apart makes me miss him and then I get depressed and resentful of the long-distance situation. So because of the distance I tend to look to, uh, other inspiration more than I do when we live together. I think as long as they stay fantasies you’re fine.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong in what you’re describing, but if the fantasies start to involve only one friend, tread carefully.
I think you’re fine. If you’re worried, maybe try to switch your fantasy to one of the celebrities on your freebie list, but it sounds totally normal.
I find myself in a similar situation. My fiance had to take a job in another city, so we only see each other on the weekends. I’d never thought of myself as having a particularly strong libido before… but going without gives me a new perspective. And, as Petite Chablis says, fantasizing about my fiance usually only makes me feel sorry for myself.
Although, (I can’t believe I’m saying this and I hope it’s not over-sharing) Google video chat can be used for more than chatting.
I tend to fantasize more about fictional men (I’d never seen the appeal of, say, “True Blood” or romance novels, before either). But I’m sure that if I had any attractive male acquaintances, I’d be in your boat. Don’t sweat it.
Spot on advice, as usual. That first-call-gut-check is actually the reason I’m with my husband. When we met, I was engaged to someone else, but over time, our friendship overtook my relationship with my fiance. I didn’t want to admit it, even though my therapist kept calling me on it – talk about serious denial! It all finally came to a head when I got some amazing news and the first person I called was … not my fiance. In fact, I was already on my way to celebrate when I realized I still hadn’t called my fiance. We broke up, and I’m now happily married to the guy who is still my best friend and my first call.
So, you know, just plugging that “go with your gut” thing. It changed my life.
I just have to say that I as always am impressed by your level-headed and practical advice.
Oooof. I’m in a similar situation (temporary long-distance, inappropriate proximal attraction), except I’m not married and there’s just the one friend. The way we’ve worked it out (yes, I’ve actually talked about this with my partner) is that what I do in my own head is my own business.
Obviously YMMV, but I found that talking it out was good for the both of us.
Shirley Glass (Ira’s mom) wrote a book called NOT “Just Friends”. It had some useful guidelines for when a friendship was threatening a monogamous relationship.