"I wrote 63 songs this year. They're all about Jeter." Just kidding. The game we love, the players we hate, and more.

Culture and Criticism

From Norman Mailer to Wendy Pepper — everything on film, TV, books, music, and snacks (shut up, raisins), plus the Girls' Bike Club.

Donors Choose and Contests

Helping public schools, winning prizes, sending a crazy lady in a tomato costume out in public.

Stories, True and Otherwise

Monologues, travelogues, fiction, and fart humor. And hens. Don't forget the hens.

The Vine

The Tomato Nation advice column addresses your questions on etiquette, grammar, romance, and pet misbehavior. Ask The Readers about books or fashion today!

The Vine: May 30, 2001
May 30, 2001 · No Comment

Sars Dear,
In that same vein [as Sick Of Personal Questions], one of the things I truly hate from people is the overwhelming urge they seem to have to touch a pregnant woman's stomach. As if …

The Vine: May 29, 2001
May 29, 2001 · No Comment

Dear fellow cat slave,
I have a problem, and I was hoping that between you and your illustrious felines, you might help me see my way through it. My problem is this: I've been with Bear …

The Vine: May 25, 2001
May 25, 2001 · No Comment

Dear Sarah,
My mother did the exact same thing Lucy's mom did to her. Only she had two more kids with the new man and decided that the mistake she had made in high school (i.e. …

The Vine: May 24, 2001
May 24, 2001 · No Comment

Hey Sars,
For the last 20 minutes or so I have been reading the Vine and thinking to myself, hmm, maybe I should run my issues past Sarah! So what do you know, I open up …

The Vine: May 22, 2001
May 22, 2001 · No Comment

Have I got one for you…
My ex's current girlfriend is semi-stalking me online. Okay, so stalking might not be the best term, but basically she's sent me harassing emails, somehow found out my instant messenger …

The Vine: May 21, 2001
May 21, 2001 · No Comment

Here's my story:
I recently moved from NYC to Southern California.While in NYC, I had a triangle friendship with two others (guy and a girl — no pizza place).Everything was cool until I developed feelings for …

Bad Food For Thought
May 20, 2001 · One Comment

I've never understood picky eaters. I'll eat anything — and I mean anything. I've always eaten anything and everything, even as a little kid; I knew from reading the comics pages that kids as a …

A Few Things I've Learned About Shoes
May 20, 2001 · 2 Comments

"Man-made leather" is not leather. It has very little to do with man, or any real "making" as we understand the word. It is not pleather; it is not vinyl; it is not plastic, or …

What Women Want
May 20, 2001 · One Comment

Sarah: So you just left?
Regina: Yeah.
Sarah: Just grabbed your bag and —
Regina: Hell yeah!
Sarah: No explanation. Nothing.
Regina: Dude. He ordered a girl drink. It's not like I could stay there.
Sarah: What kind of girl drink?
Regina: …

Sincerely Your's
May 20, 2001 · 26 Comments

I try not to get snitty about the crappy English usage of other people. I breathe in through my nostrils and slowly out again with my mouth shaped like an "o," reminding myself that not …