Midtown Humanity On Parade, Vol. 4
Dear sir,
The next time you find yourself wearing sunglasses indoors, ask yourself these questions:
1. Am I the leader of a cult?
2. Am I either John Munch or Bono?
3. Have I recently undergone surgery on my eyes?
If you cannot answer “yes” to any of these questions, you are, I’m afraid, a douche, and your failure to recognize this fact is making the rest of us uncomfortable. And by “the rest of us,” I mean “your fellow passengers on the D train,” which, if you enjoyed the sort of rock-star fame you affect with your overpriced spectacles, you would not have to take. This is not one of the suh-weet trips to Vegas with your buds to see a title fight which you have no doubt bored countless blind dates to distraction by recounting. It is, rather, the morning commute. Nobody cares about your watch or your smoothie regimen, and you are not Jim Jones. You can take the sunglasses off, or you can take a cocaine-white limo to the modeling agency from now on. Those are your choices.
Ew,
Sarah
Tags: city living curmudgeoning
Wait, do you mean “Hustler’s P.O.M.E.” rapper Jim Jones, or Guyana Tragedy, let’s-have-a-glass-of-cyanide-Koolaid Jim Jones?
Erm… small voice// sometimes I don’t take my sunglasses off on the D train, either/end small voice
In my defense, I sure ain’t showing off, ’cause they’re not Gucci/Fendi/Chanel things with GIANT INITIALS on them; just standard $30 Macy’s swag. Frankly, it can be a hassle to remove them, especially if it’s crowded and the case for the glasses is under 237 other things in my tote bag. But if I was a guy, I wouldn’t have the tote bag excuse, so….carry on.
Let’s add “migraine sufferere” to that list please. There have been numerous times that I have had to wear dark sunglasses inside (at work even) until my meds have kicked in. The alternative is having my brain actually explode out of my head so I think the sunglasses are preferable!!
I have to maybe possibly defend the douchebag. I wear glasses, and I wear prescription sunglasses. If I’m going somewhere and it’s sunny out, I don’t necessarily switch glasses when I go inside temporarily — it’s a hassle to get the case out, and switching out two pairs of glasses with one case is one of those three-handed activities that’s just a pain. And if I do it when I go inside (to the subway or the coffee shop), I have to do it again when I head back outside to continue my trip. And just taking the glasses off so as not to look like a jerk isn’t much of an option — given the choice between looking stupid and actually being able to see which train I’m getting on or which station I’ve arrived at, I’ll go with avoiding blindness every time.
Seconded. A few weeks ago, I saw a douche wearing a rather smart suit and sunglasses in a church at a wedding.
Just not done.
Hmm. I often wear sunglasses indoors because both my regular glasses and sunglasses are prescription and if I’m just hopping on the train to hop off later, I am too lazy to switch glasses twice, especially when it means doing so in throngs of people, where my glasses could fall and get smashed.
So, could that be qualifier #4? Maybe that’s why?
1. Kool-Aid Jim Jones.
2. Other medical exemptions were implied in Item 3.
How could you forget the ineffable Blues Brothers? (we’re gettin’ the band back together)
Maybe he was keeping track of the visions in his eyes. Or does that only work if it is nighttime?
Granted I later learned they were the prescription ones that change with the light but when I saw a coworkers WEDDING picture and the husband was in sunglasses I just knew I would never have any respect for him. Just NO!
I wear my sunglasses on the train, but… that’s because most of the trip is above ground. If we had a reliable subway system in my city, I’d take ’em off.
Wait, why is Bono exempted?
Something else to consider: sunglasses on the subway *can* help to keep the creeps away. Creeps seeking eye contact, that is, and sometimes other forms of contact. It doesn’t make the wearer creep-proof, but it can help.
P.S. Bono is excruciatingly pretentious, yes, but I believe he also has some eye condition which makes the tinted glasses necessary.
P.P.S. What LTG said. And my sunglasses are $12.99 cheapies from the drugstore (so I don’t cry when I lose a pair).
So what would be worse? Wearing the sunglasses indoors/on the train or pushing them up to the top of his head all Miami Vice-style? I must say I can’t decide.
I wear my sunglasses on the El here in Philly, because I’m on it for fewer than 10 minutes and I go right back out into the sunshine. Surely public transit is not considered “indoors”? You wouldn’t think someone in a car who was in a tunnel was a douche, would you? It’s the same kind of temporary thing, I think.
My husband and I have recently relocated from Seattle to Houston. On one of our house-hunting trips I came down with a nasty respiratory infection that I picked up from the kids right before our flight down. One of the more disgusting aspects of the infection was that it came with a double shot of conjunctivitis. Yep, I had green slime oozing out of my eyeballs, and they were so bloodshot I looked like a demon from the nether hells. Out of respect for my fellow passengers I wore sunglasses for the entire flight. I didn’t take them off until we got to our hotel. Luckily for the bridge of my nose, we found a walk-in clinic that gave me some prescription eyedrops that cleared up my eyes pretty quickly!
That kind of funny I remember watching a documentary on Jim Jones awhile back and asking my self “why is that guy wearing sunglasses all the time?”. Although a few occations I will wear sun glasses in doors, if I am on my way out and my hands are full, normally I will just put them on top of my head but sometimes my hair is wet so I just wear them.
There’s always the possibility brought up in an earlier thread – the sunglasses may be hiding tears, whether from allergies or life’s accumulated miseries. I know that I wear my sunglasses on the bus and on the train because the flickering sunlight triggers nausea. I also have a friend who has photograys that darken when it’s bright, indoors or outdoors; bright light is very painful for him.
What, no exemption for Jack Nicholson? I’d give it to him over Bono.
I get where you are with this, but I also have a number of friends who are super photo sensitive and get migranes when there is bright light. I know I thought they were just pretentious goth fucks for a long time, until they gave in to my bashing and were pretty much crippled by monster migranes. So… Sometimes they’re just trying to avoid vomiting.
I got the impression that it was his attitude & demeanor as much as it was about his wearing sunglasses indoors. I live in Southern California and there is no shortage of That Guy. Or girl for that matter.
If I’m wearing sunglasses indoors, I could be crying and trying to hide it…
John Munch.
Hilarious.
I’m guessing it’s more the stance/attitude of the guy in the spendy sunspecs than the actual specs themselves — am I right here? Because there is a certain type of person that manages to make themselves look annoying with the “I where my sunglasses indoors” thing.
That said, I too fall into the Rx sunglasses category, and while I’ll make the switch when I’m going to be in a coffeeshop (where I’ll be speaking with someone), if I’m on a bus or something I’m not likely to bother. But I think you can usually tell the difference between “I need these specs to see” and “I’m a self-absorbed asshole.”
I find men who wear sunglasses inside disturbingly and inexplicably attractive. And yet, I must back Sars up on this.
And yes, Bono is exempt.
Normally, my reaction to indoor-sunglass-wearing is “take’em off, Corey Hart.” However, like LTG & Sepra, I wear prescription sunglasses & sometimes it’s just too much of a hassle to switch them with the clear ones when going from street to station & back again. I think there’s a different standard of doucheness when a roof is involved.
In addition to outright laziness, I have another, fully valid reason to wear them on the train- trying to avoid appearing to stare at someone’s chest/armpit area. I’m a smidge under 5′ tall and my eye level is around most people’s shoulders, so I can wind up with potentially embarassing views unless I a) stare at the ceiling (or the ED-assistance ads, lovely), which gives me crick in the neck, or b) keep my eyes closed, which is ridiculous & risks the contents of my purse.
And Ellen: word. Creep avoidance is key, and the shades + earphones combo is quite effective. A truly determined scumbag will not be put off, but your garden-variety creep doesn’t usually bother after an ogle or two.
Dear Sars,
hee.
>You wouldn’t think someone in a car who was in a tunnel was a douche, >would you?
douche or idiot, take your pick. Most tunnels I have driven through are pretty dark, and you need to push your sunglasses up on top of your head and turn on your headlights – for safety reasons.
But then again, I seem to be the only person in the lower 48 who knows how a 4 way stop works, so maybe I’m asking for too much logic.
Every year I buy a new pair of sunglasses, only to let them sit in my room, next to all those non-baseball hats I always think will work out until I bring them home. I think it’s because once you inadvertently establish yourself as someone who doesn’t wear sunglasses/noteworthy hats/whatever, you have to deal with a round of, “Whoa, look who’s wearing sunglasses/a noteworthy hat/whatever!” from all of your friends for the first few days, and I don’t know how to deal with that.
Anyway, I used to hate sunglasses indoors, until I realized that even sunglasses out-of-doors are fairly unnecessary, unless you’re driving, playing baseball, or you live on Mercury. Now I’m neutral.
I once worked with an enormous douche (he was the son of the president, natch; hooray for nepotism) who began mysteriously wearing sunglasses inside one day. After a day or so we finally figured out he was wearing them because he got in a drunken argument with a friend, said friend punched him in the face, and he had a huge shiner. Much snickering ensued.
I like all the varying opinions! I think a key question (for me at any rate) is: Accompanying in the indoor sunglasses, is there the attendant air of douchiness? It kind of seemed in Sars’ original post that there might be. And it’s that air that gives me the douche chills fairly regularly during subway rides – more so than just sunglasses.
As well as the “people who don’t switch sunglasses immediately upon walking indoors” folks, I also am prone to sunlight, or indoor light, or just plain gray foggy day (yay astigmatism!), headaches. On days when I have such headaches, sometimes I wear my sunglasses indoors because it helps curb the glare pain from the indoor lights.
My prescription sunglasses are also pretty light-colored, so I can actually see indoors with them on pretty well, and my eyes can be seen behind them. Possibly they aren’t as annoying to others? Heh. I know it’s kind of silly to do, but dammit, everyone else is not the one getting headaches.
as usual, you are spot on. i was just commenting the other day to the wife about the big assed sunglasses on the B train, and unlike the D train, these were definitely name brand $200 a pair. seeing as the B originates in brighton beach, i’ll let you do the math. they tend not to buy the knock-offs as it would not do their image any good! $200 would buy a lot of PBR.
One more exemption. And you must give me this:
Richard Belzer
I heard an interview with Bono on my local WNERD station (go back to Morning Edition on June 8), and he said he has sensitive eyes. I believe that’s covered by Sars’ medical exemption, too.
John Munch is played by Richard Belzer.
Folks, if you have a medical reason for wearing them, and if you were not striking a pose in your $450 jeans on the New York City subway the other day, then I’m probably not talking about you, so don’t worry about it.
Don’t I feel stupid right about now(hides eyes behind his Ray-Bans).
Wait … what if you have taken the red pill recently and are about to unleash some super-sweet bullet-time kung fu upon the unsuspecting denizens of Train D – RIGHT before intoning: “There is no spoon …” ?
…
erm.
Probably means you’ve been reading too much fanfic. ;)
Sorry you’re getting all nitpicked on this one.
But you know what wearing MaryKate like giant sunglasses inside is really good for? Hiding your red, puffy, crying eyes from the world when you don’t really want the questions. (Just sayin’.)
I know–if LaDouche was crying his eyes out, I’d be shocked, but hey ya never know. Maybe someone took his girls bike away.
Right on Sars ! I see this all the time in Houston, and think how absurd.
LOL..yeah for John Munch..Belzer rocks.
John Munch and Bono in the same sentence. I never thought I’d see the day.
“I know–if LaDouche was crying his eyes out, I’d be shocked, but hey ya never know. Maybe someone took his girls bike away.”
You know, I read that as “someone took his girls away” and had a very vivid mental image of the sensitive pimp, hiding his tears away behind his blinged out sunglasses of doucheness, because his girls have been stolen by a more pimp-y pimp.
Also, if you’re Bono — you’re still a douche.
I’ve been in the retail industry for nearly 14 years now and it still irks me when people wear their sunglasses while talking to me. I prefer to be able to see them so I can gauge what their needs are (I’m in a very customized industry so it’s important to get peoples vibes). I do understand the Rx angle though. I have eyeglasses with clip-ons and still find myself trying to take my “sunglasses” off indoors only to find myself blind (gotta remember to take only the clip-ons off-duh)
Some people can pull it off. Some… can’t. Spectacularly can’t.
Wait, does “hiding bloodshot, hung-over eyes” count as a medical exemption?
I get that this is not the point you were making and I totally see That Guy on the train all the time, usually getting off at Delancy St. But I have to share: on our honeymoon in Italy, my husband’s bag was stolen out from underneath him. It contained our camera and his regular glasses, as he was wearing his prescription sunglasses at the time. So for the rest of the trip, including stops at the Uffizi and the Duomo, he had to wear his sunglasses the entire time. On the plus side, people were usually surprised to learn we were Americans.
I confess, I used to be the sunglasses-on-head douche.
The only extenuating circumstance I can plead is that I was living in West L.A. at the time. The 2PM sunshine there can make you feel like you’re on Mercury, and if you have to go outside constantly to pedeconference with your chain-smoking bosses, it’s easier than constantly taking them off and on.
Slightly off topic
The girls are back to wearing their sunglasses on top of their heads as accessories(headbands) and it irks me. I told a younger co-worker that she had left her sunglasses on top of her head and she said “I know”. Now some of the other kids are doing it. Can we make this stop? Who do we have to call?
Thank you for your time.
signed,
Terribly Un Hip
Agreement with above comments that striking an “attitude” is what triggers the douchiness alarm. Motive actually counts.
I would add–you can increase the douchiness factor if the person is wearing all black, if it is night time (seriously, are you so cool that you need sunglasses on the TTC at night?), if they stare straight ahead ignoring everything around them (funny, if they accidentally miss their stop!), or if they otherwise pretend they are in the Matrix.
I would also add that douchiness is increased exponentially if the person is wearing sunglasses indoors, in a jazz club, at night, wearing black, pretending no one else exists, and has two obvious call-girls with him, and is holding their hands like it is a real date.
Then again, sometimes you get a real treat–all or some of the factors above, but they left their fly down, or they are wearing (no kidding on this one) a pair of black leather boots with pointy toes. That curly up like little elf boots. Seriously.
>The girls are back to wearing their sunglasses on top of their heads as >accessories(headbands) and it irks me.
hee. aww. sorry.
I do this, but not as an accessory. I do it as a place to put them. When I’m outside, they’re on my face, inside I pop them on my head if I’m going back out again soon. If I set them down, I’ll lose them, and if I put them in a pocket or purse, I’ll end up crushing them. I’m cursed when it comes to sunglasses!